My story

[pumpkinpie1]

It's not original. It's not pretty.

 

MM paid attention to me. He wasn't particularly nice..he wasn't a stand out, but he didn't abandon me. So there was that I suppose. When I got pregnant 3 months in, he told me that if I had an abortion (I wanted to keep it), he would leave his wife and marry me. He dumped me 2 days after the procedure. Then begged me to come back a week later and I said yes. I was just so relieved. WTF kind of person behaves that way?? WTF kind of person reacts the way I did??

 

We had a 7 month on/off affair before guilt got the best of me. I broke up, someone else knew and told his wife. I met with her and I watched her cry and crumble in front of me.

 

I am disgusted by my behavior. I acted like garbage and, in turn, was treated like garbage. I deserve this misery. I deserve it all. I kept justifying it to myself with all the usual nonsense..I didn't make vows to him..I don't owe her anything..I deserve happiness too.

 

I have been through my fair share of pain..but I've never felt this bad about myself before.

 

Why would anyone do this? I know it's not 100% my fault but I certainly didn't shy away from it. I should have walked away when I found out he was married. Why didn't I?? What's wrong with me?? Why did I fall for this? Why was I SO willing to compromise myself? I feel dirty. I feel like I will never heal, and like I don't deserve to.

 

I hate myself. I don't know how to get past this and I'm not sure I want to.

[Veronica73]

I don't know the answers to your questions, except that I think you do deserve to be happy. And being happy most likely doesn't include being with a sh*thead who cheats on his wife and manipulates you into getting an abortion. Please don't feel worthless. You're not. Work out why you made the decisions you made, why they weren't the best decisions, and don't make them again. You really do deserve better than that guy, no matter what bad decisions you made.

 

And I'm sorry, and I know most people here aren't going to agree with me, but he deserves the majority of the heartache for hurting his wife. Yes, you played a part, but he's the one she put her trust in. Not you.

[somanymistakes]

You did not act like garbage. Foolishly, blindly, yes, but NOT like garbage.

 

He treated you like garbage and you did not deserve it.

 

No one, not even someone who's done much worse than you, deserves to be lied to and pressured into an abortion and then abandoned. No one deserves that.

 

(hugs) Please see someone to talk to irl if you can, I know I'm just words on a screen so I don't carry much weight here.

 

If you allow yourself to believe that you are worthless, you are more likely to hurt yourself, and to let other people hurt you again, because you will feel that you don't deserve anything better. YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.

 

You were lonely and vulnerable and he paid attention to you, and because you were lonely and vulnerable that was enough to lure you into doing things that deep down you knew were probably bad ideas. Please don't hurt yourself so much now that you leave yourself vulnerable to the next liar who comes along looking for easy prey.

[CloudyHead]

I know exactly how you feel (and still feel that way at times).

 

First of all, you have to forgive yourself. You made a bad decision. I would have never ever thought I would have had an affair. But, I did. And, for a long time I beat myself up for it. Finally, I took a step back and tried to be objective. I thought about where I was mentally and emotionally at that point in my life so that I could understand why I allowed my self to follow that path. I spent time healing and getting mentally healthy to avoid being put in that situation again.

 

Next, look at MM. I was very naive when it came to dealing with people. I had never interacted with an addict, a narcissist, a sociopath, etc. I imagine your MM has those traits (some or all). People with those traits are predators. I am sure he said all the right things, made you feel that you were the only one for him, etc. But, he had an agenda. Were you used? Yes. But, again, forgive yourself.

 

Having an affair is like living in a bubble. It is excruciating to exist outside the bubble. But, it is a fantasy world. Nothing is real. Oh, your feelings for him are real. But, I discovered that the man I loved and would have done anything for was a facade. It was an image/persona that MM created. Honestly, if someone cared for you that much, would he put you what he put you through? MM said what you wanted to hear and you clung to those words (even though his actions said otherwise).

 

I paid a huge price for my affair. MM did awful things to me (there's plenty I could post on here about what he did but I am mortified that I allowed myself to be treated that way AND I think people would be completely aghast at things he did and for which I forgave him).

 

Again, forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself. No one is perfect in this world. No one. I know myself better than I did ten years ago. I know how to put walls up so that certain people are out of my life. And, I am learning to take care of myself and find what makes me happy and content. At the end of the day, YOU are the ONE PERSON who matters most to YOU!

[sandylee1]

We live and learn in life. I don't believe you'll go down that road again and perhaps seeing his wife crumble has reinforced that.

 

I'm not going to mollycoddle you like pp. Yes, you did wrong and yes you played a part in hurting her....you aren't innocent and he played a good game in trickery, as he didn't want a love child.... but you can recover and move on. Leaving it behind.

 

She OTOH, has an unfaithful husband on her hands and a forever tainted marriage. You don't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You need to get yourself into counseling with the specific goal of trying to learn to forgive yourself. And maybe also to church .

[Ahurtgirl]

Give yourself time to heal. Time is huge in getting past all the hurt and pain that happens between affair partners and their families. I was basically suicidal for close to a year after, I couldn't function, hated my life, blamed myself for being so stupid to get involved with a married man, blamed him and his wife for it as well, vented on here like a crazy person about what I was going through, was crushed by some of the advise given to me that I needed to take responsibility because I didn't specifically vent in how I was blaming myself also (this forum can destroy you by people who think you aren't feeling how they think you should be, and most don't understand what it's like being involved with a histrionic narcissist sociopath, which may have played a part in your situation as well.)

There are better resources available to help you heal both from the abortion and also the affair. If you are a person of faith, turning to God can help you heal in more ways than you imagine.

You will find healing and become a better person from this learning experience. Just give it time.

[BTDT2012]

None of us has the power to undo what has already been done. Learn from your mistake, accept responsibility for your choices. Get counseling to better understand yourself and why you made those choices. With time you will learn to forgive yourself. You are not garbage. Don't think it, don't say it. (((Hugs)))

[stillafool]

It's not original. It's not pretty.

 

MM paid attention to me. He wasn't particularly nice..he wasn't a stand out, but he didn't abandon me. So there was that I suppose. When I got pregnant 3 months in, he told me that if I had an abortion (I wanted to keep it), he would leave his wife and marry me. He dumped me 2 days after the procedure. Then begged me to come back a week later and I said yes. I was just so relieved. WTF kind of person behaves that way?? WTF kind of person reacts the way I did??

 

We had a 7 month on/off affair before guilt got the best of me. I broke up, someone else knew and told his wife. I met with her and I watched her cry and crumble in front of me.

 

I am disgusted by my behavior. I acted like garbage and, in turn, was treated like garbage. I deserve this misery. I deserve it all. I kept justifying it to myself with all the usual nonsense..I didn't make vows to him..I don't owe her anything..I deserve happiness too.

 

I have been through my fair share of pain..but I've never felt this bad about myself before.

 

Why would anyone do this? I know it's not 100% my fault but I certainly didn't shy away from it. I should have walked away when I found out he was married. Why didn't I?? What's wrong with me?? Why did I fall for this? Why was I SO willing to compromise myself? I feel dirty. I feel like I will never heal, and like I don't deserve to.

 

I hate myself. I don't know how to get past this and I'm not sure I want to.

 

I commend you for taking responsibility for your part in destroying his wife's life. So many OW could care less but you are compassionate. I'm sorry you had to abort your baby. It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson and I hope you meet a nice man and have the family you deserve.

[aileD]

Laying blame on others will never help you change. You ARE 100% responsible for your actions. Doesn't matter if he manipulated or used you or treated you badly, you had 100% veto power and you didn't use it.

 

That said, it doesn't mean you're garbage. Get to a therapist and they can help you work through your past and why you couldn't resist this temptation.

 

You now have 100% power to help yourself

[Ahurtgirl]

Laying blame on others will never help you change. You ARE 100% responsible for your actions. Doesn't matter if he manipulated or used you or treated you badly, you had 100% veto power and you didn't use it.

 

That said, it doesn't mean you're garbage. Get to a therapist and they can help you work through your past and why you couldn't resist this temptation.

 

You now have 100% power to help yourself

 

This type of advise cab be unbelievably destructive to your recovery. Yes, you did have veto power but not everyone has as strong of a personality as others have. This isn't the first time this person has given unsafe advise to another forum member. She doesn't realize that her husband caused the destruction of her marriage and she is out to blame all other women for his mistake.

Avoid any hurtful advise and realize HE was 100% responsible for manipulating you... he advised you have an abortion! Who does that other than a narcissist sociopath who is only looking out for himself! Trust me, men are dogs and you should not be blaing yourself. You know you screwed up, now start realizing what an absolute loser he was to have brought you into his life to use you for whatever purpose he wanted. You are worth so much more than him or his wife. His wife allowed her husband to hurt you. It was her job to keep him from straying to protect herself and him from hurting others such as yourself.

[BigBlueSky]

Hey pumpkinpie, the fact that you're here says something about you. You recognize that your actions were wrong. You felt guilt which is what led you to stop the relationship. That is a GOOD thing!! You're not alone in thinking those thoughts and having those feelings. When I was in an A, I rationalized and compartmentalized big time. Now that I can step back, I have similar thoughts that you do... Wtf was I thinking? How could I do something knowing it would hurt and destroy someone else? What does that say about the person I am? I'm trying work through those things now. And it is hard. But I think it's important to move forward, to become better people and to decide daily to never do those things again.

 

Dont become a self-fulling prophecy when you say you'll never heal... Because you can. Recognize your failures and learn from them. I remember some of the things that wmac had said to me when I was working through things (she's a BS) and basically she said that she doesn't think us way wards deserve to be wallowing in sadness and shame for the rest of our lives, but that we should find healing too. As a BS she recognizes that most way wards aren't bad people but they have made extremely poor choices. Anyway, her comments really encouraged me and I hope that you find it in yourself to allow for healing to take place. It doesn't do anyone any good for you to be stuck wallowing in negativity towards yourself. I can tell by your comments that you have a good heart. Just figure out why you made bad choices and move forward. We're here to listen!

[BTDT2012]

It was her job to keep him from straying to protect herself and him from hurting others such as yourself.

 

No, it isn't. A spouse is never responsible his/her partner's decision to

cheat.

 

OP, concentrate on yourself. Don't spend any of your precious time speculating on his motives.

[Ahurtgirl]

No, it isn't. A spouse is never responsible his/her partner's decision to

cheat.

 

OP, concentrate on yourself. Don't spend any of your precious time speculating on his motives.

 

Yes, it was the spouses job. She saw her husband cheating, took it as a challenge and decided it was a competition that she was going to win. It was all a game to her. She came out of the affair with a bigger ego then before he cheated. His wife now has the upper hand and gets him to do anything she wants him to. Her life goes on with her husband. Had she of done a better job of being there for him, the mistress wouldn't have been involved since he wouldn't have had the desire to stray.

 

OP, do whatever you need to do to get through this. If you need to put full blame on him until you get past the worst of the recovery, do so. This is about YOUR healing, not HIS and definitely not his wife.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, it was the spouses job. She saw her husband cheating, took it as a challenge and decided it was a competition that she was going to win. It was all a game to her. She came out of the affair with a bigger ego then before he cheated. His wife now has the upper hand and gets him to do anything she wants him to. Her life goes on with her husband. Had she of done a better job of being there for him, the mistress wouldn't have been involved since he wouldn't have had the desire to stray.

 

OP, do whatever you need to do to get through this. If you need to put full blame on him until you get past the worst of the recovery, do so. This is about YOUR healing, not HIS and definitely not his wife.

 

Ahurtgirl, I hope you find peace.

[K.K.]

Yes, it was the spouses job. She saw her husband cheating, took it as a challenge and decided it was a competition that she was going to win. It was all a game to her. She came out of the affair with a bigger ego then before he cheated. His wife now has the upper hand and gets him to do anything she wants him to. Her life goes on with her husband. Had she of done a better job of being there for him, the mistress wouldn't have been involved since he wouldn't have had the desire to stray.

 

OP, do whatever you need to do to get through this. If you need to put full blame on him until you get past the worst of the recovery, do so. This is about YOUR healing, not HIS and definitely not his wife.

 

Now, thats what we like to refer to around my area as REAL TALK. Hell yea.

[K.K.]

pumpkinpie

 

You're human. I don't agree that it was 100% your fault. He was involved in this too. He came along with his selfish, psychotic ass and twisted your mind into a million pieces. It happened to me. I know how it feels and I know it's easy to self blame. I'm kicking myself in the ass for the exact same thing. But try to be easy on yourself. You didn't deserve this. That's why it feels so bad. Because deep down, we know that all we really did was love someone. We loved them with all we had, right or wrong and they dragged us into their web and ate us alive.

[aileD]

This type of advise cab be unbelievably destructive to your recovery. Yes, you did have veto power but not everyone has as strong of a personality as others have. This isn't the first time this person has given unsafe advise to another forum member. She doesn't realize that her husband caused the destruction of her marriage and she is out to blame all other women for his mistake.

Avoid any hurtful advise and realize HE was 100% responsible for manipulating you... he advised you have an abortion! Who does that other than a narcissist sociopath who is only looking out for himself! Trust me, men are dogs and you should not be blaing yourself. You know you screwed up, now start realizing what an absolute loser he was to have brought you into his life to use you for whatever purpose he wanted. You are worth so much more than him or his wife. His wife allowed her husband to hurt you. It was her job to keep him from straying to protect herself and him from hurting others such as yourself.

 

Please don't speculate on my motives. You don't know me. You are very bitter about your situation and it's clear from your posts that you don't seem to want to take any responsibility for your actions.

 

Most the advice I give is based on facts. It's a fact she had 100% veto power. The actual unhealthy thing to do is to blame someone else for your actions. I am not coming down on the OP just simply stating -- she needs to own 100% that she didn't have to do this. And therapy will help with why...why she wasn't strong enough to stand up for her morals, why she craved the illicit attention, why she felt she couldn't say no. That's where the real healing comes in.

 

My husband cheated yes. And he is 100% responsible for his part in that. His affair partner is 100% responsible for her part too. And it is not my job to keep him in line. He's an adult who chose to make ****ty decisions. That is not my fault. I don't keep him away from XAP, I don't control his life. He has the freedom just like any person, to leave if he wants.

 

Hurt girl, I really hope you find peace, get to a therapist. You need to heal. Once you do, you will see advice given by you isn't the healthiest and affairs are not okay no matter whatever reason they begin.

Edited September 12, 2017 by aileD

[alsudduth]

Yes, it was the spouses job. She saw her husband cheating, took it as a challenge and decided it was a competition that she was going to win. It was all a game to her. She came out of the affair with a bigger ego then before he cheated. His wife now has the upper hand and gets him to do anything she wants him to. Her life goes on with her husband. Had she of done a better job of being there for him, the mistress wouldn't have been involved since he wouldn't have had the desire to stray.

 

Are you serious? I am flabbergasted that you honestly just placed the blame for a person choosing to have an affair on the BS? I am not to blame for my husband's CHOICE to have an affair just as much as it wasn't him to blame for my CHOICE to have an affair.

 

Issues in a marriage may lead to people justifying an affair, however, when a spouse makes that CHOICE to cheat, it is THEIR CHOICE to make and THEY are the one to blame for bringing infidelity into their marriage. The OW or OM are not to blame for bringing infidelity into the marriage, but they are responsible for the choices they made to engage with a married person in the first place. and THAT is what they need to come to terms with and find out why they would devalue their worth so much as to put themselves in that situation.

[aileD]

Are you serious? I am flabbergasted that you honestly just placed the blame for a person choosing to have an affair on the BS? I am not to blame for my husband's CHOICE to have an affair just as much as it wasn't him to blame for my CHOICE to have an affair.

 

Issues in a marriage may lead to people justifying an affair, however, when a spouse makes that CHOICE to cheat, it is THEIR CHOICE to make and THEY are the one to blame for bringing infidelity into their marriage. The OW or OM are not to blame for bringing infidelity into the marriage, but they are responsible for the choices they made to engage with a married person in the first place. and THAT is what they need to come to terms with and find out why they would devalue their worth so much as to put themselves in that situation.

 

Very well said

[purplesorrow]

Yes, it was the spouses job. She saw her husband cheating, took it as a challenge and decided it was a competition that she was going to win. It was all a game to her. She came out of the affair with a bigger ego then before he cheated. His wife now has the upper hand and gets him to do anything she wants him to. Her life goes on with her husband. Had she of done a better job of being there for him, the mistress wouldn't have been involved since he wouldn't have had the desire to stray.

 

OP, do whatever you need to do to get through this. If you need to put full blame on him until you get past the worst of the recovery, do so. This is about YOUR healing, not HIS and definitely not his wife.

 

So because he went back to his wife, does that mean you didn't do a good job as mistress? Why didn't you rescue him?