Summer Romance Gone Wrong

[ClaireSam]

I promised myself that I won't spend more time contemplating what happened or what could have happened and all the lame "what ifs", but I need help. I can't get him out of my mind, and I'm losing my concentration and almost my desire (ability?) to perform my daily routine tasks.

 

I'm a 21 year old senior engineering student. This summer I got accepted for an internship provided by one of the most recognized universities in the area. I lived in that town for a month.

 

1st time I saw him I was asking for directions. He didn't look like an Arab at all, blonde and green-eyed, so I asked him in English –there is plenty of Europeans in the area- and he smiled ridiculously, so I kept on mentioning the details of my target destination presuming he is not following or something, then when I finished he replied in Arabic, amusingly –I knew then he made me keep talking while he had no clue where the place is from the very beginning- "I don’t know, my friend there, once he is done with his phone call I am sure he can help." We talked for like a minute and he told me he moved to here a year ago, new job and so on. I can't really remember, but I said something that made him laugh at the end, or perhaps it was only my clumsiness.

 

A week later, I bumped again into him, he was on his phone, he waved at me in a friendly way and asked whether I reached my destination safely and smoothly and I said yes and thanked him again then waved back and continued walking –he was on his phone and I thought there is no room for a quick convo, that's all. He followed me, finishing his phone call on a hurry, then we talked for like a 5-10 min because I had to leave, urgently. He said "we should keep in touch", I replied fast mentioning "facebook". "I am not quite an active user really I prefer your phone number", he said. "I don't give my phone number to people I don't really know, I'm sorry, but I knew this the hard way*" I said. "I totally respect that. Facebook it is" he replied. This gave him a feeling that I'm conservative, which I'm , to be frank, I'm a hijabi, and with strong set of beliefs that I hold based on a moral code in which I invested so much effort to create. This life-guiding code isn't only based on religion. Religion comes as number three. For example, I don't do certain things because they are harmful or inhuman before I think of them as "religiously forbidden" like smoking or drinking for instance.

 

We texted for a couple of days. I'm such a tease, and I never run out of smart replies. This is my thing. I talk. People tell me good things happen to me because I'm beautiful and a smart mouth, but I love to think it's only because I'm not dumb. I find teasing people fun that's all (not the mean/vulgar type of teasing, I'm more of the cynical type). My convos and replies have tons of inside jokes. Why I'm telling you this? Well because I think he only wanted to go out with me because I challenged him intellectually.

 

He offered taking me to a tour since there is only 15 days left for me in the town. I liked him a lot. I sarcastically said to my friends that since he's incredibly hot, I'd love to think for the sake of godly justice and humane fairness, that he is probably gay, or dumbass.

 

Not so hard to guess that he's not. He is 29 (almost 30) year old combination of irresistible intelligence, class, kindness and hotness. It felt like he is custom designed for me as if God is mocking me or making some plan while smirking at me or something. Yes, he was such a perfect match. We loved the same books, music genre and art movements. We saw each other 6 more times before I left. In the second time, he kissed my hand telling me he likes me, and he is apparently falling for me. I rejoiced and I playfully brought up the idea that this happened super fast, offering several alternative scenarios how I could turn out to be a psychopath or serial killer disguised in a cheeky white curvy girl.

 

I don't trust people. I love people, I happened to know, the hard way as well, that even good people do ****, and say **** and they **** up sometimes. I'm fine with it really. Getting physical with him (kissing/hugging and so on) in my society is a synonym for being taken advantage of, and is religiously forbidden without marriage. Again, getting physical with him was an unacceptable act mainly because it's "unsafe"- after all, I don't know him yet- before it was forbidden. He lives a very European lifestyle; he lived there for a while. He drinks, gets laid, and till then (or till now) I thought he was only attracted to me because I only seemed different. I am not even sure that I am different. Being different is overrated anyways. I only seek to be a good person.

 

He tried kissing me that time and I pushed him telling him I'm not comfortable and he apologized repeatedly, I went on telling him things likes "I'm leaving in two weeks and it's not a good idea to get attached. I enjoy your company and I love to have a good time with you." He said he has strong feelings already and **** got deep and he's sorta losing control.. etc. I didn't believe him, he's a typical playboy, and I said I prefer we keep it this way. I have a tough year coming (recall that I am senior) and I need to stay focused because this sorta stuff (love/relationships/drama?) is a distraction and I'm an easily distracted fella. He drowned me with tons of really sweet talk. I remember that time he said something sweet and I replied with something sassy with a subtle sexual reference and he held my hand, sensed my pulse and FLAWALESSLY SAID "you know you don't have to say something every time you get nervous. You're blushing." Turned out I was blushing the whole time.

Brief Bio: "caffeine addict, cynical, engineering student who finds love in coffee, boxing, cinema and thermodynamics. Can't keep my mouth shut, and I go blank whenever I should be saying something."

 

…We kissed the last two times we met. That was the best thing that has ever happened to me I almost finally understood what entropy is. That was one hell of a first kiss. I didn't want him to stop but I asked him to because I didn't want to hate myself afterwards if things escalated –recalling my code.

 

He mentioned that he wants to propose, meet my parents. I KNEW this was only a way to make me okay with the physicality part, "you don't have to make promises really. Just don't. We’re only having a good time. If this is a mere "messing around" then I am fine with it." He said the L word, and many similar words afterwards.

 

I was in love and I dodged badly to force myself to not feel anything because this is not meant to go on forever. I'm way younger than him –conversations were incredible, we communicated well- I want to seek my post-grad studies and if **** got deep I might get obsessed then I'd write a 2000-word question to seek help pretending it's only a cognitive exercise to keep track of my thoughts (depression-fighting-technique that I highly recommend for all the brave fighters out there) while in fact this question is an excuse to not feel guilty about thinking about him looking at the pile of assignments I abandoned.

 

Last time we met, we agreed get to know each other and "make this work", I showed my concerns about long-distance relationships and he soothed me. Frankly till that moment I thought he wouldn't call after I leave.

 

When I came back home, we kept in touch with each other, texting, callin for two weeks. Not regularly tho. Some days we talk for two hours, other days for 10 min, and some days we don't talk at all, but he would call later or text. He was very sweet to me. I was genuinely happy and started to accept the idea that he fell for me for real, and I started expressing my growing feelings as well.

 

Last video call, he wanted me to get more comfortable referring to reducing the layers I am wearing, and I turned him down, just like many other time. I would turn him down saying a joke or some smart answer and we'd laugh. I was never rude, perhaps a bit mean in a playful way, but never rude.

 

Then he suddenly didn't reply to a morning text I sent. I thought he was busy, he has a VERY demanding job, and I am totally cool with late replays. Two days later I tried to call him, but he didn't pick up his phone. I tried again two days later, he didn't answer as well.

 

6 days after the day I sent that morning text, I sent him a long message telling him that I would have preferred him to tell me that he doesn't wanna do this anymore, and what he has done is very disappointing, typical and immature. Yet, I am grateful for the lovely summer. Perhaps I was a bit salty but I kept the overall template nice. I needed to do it, then I blocked him, mentioning that I needed to block him to make sure there is no way back and it's time for me to move on. Frankly, my biggest problems the way he decided to do it, ignoring me, not that he is not interested –I'm also bugged by the fact he was lying. Thank God I kept my armors on till the last minute.

 

I cannot sleep well. I keep thinking of him, fantasizing scenarios in which he'd call, apologize then say any lame excuse and I’d cry and tell him" it's fine. Just be honest with me." Then I pity myself.

 

An evil thought that often crosses my mind that this is Karma bitching on me because several guys had a crush on me and two of them loved me badly and I was not interested –I was honest to them and told them in the very beginning. No evil protagonist here. But still, the situations were sad. I know I shouldn't think this way. I never meant any harm and did my best not to do any. We all know that people can still harm other people even if they don't mean it.

 

He tried calling me (once) today, I sent the long message to him yesterday. I couldn't pick up the phone. I'm scared. I have an exam tomorrow that I asked the instructor to postpone it because I couldn't do anything about it.

 

I want peace of mind. My future is my priority, but I secretly pray to end up with him then I despise myself for it. He is online most of the time. He was ignoring me. No way to think of this as a misunderstanding although I wish it is. I really do.

 

If you reached this part of the question AKA cry for help, I'm forever grateful to you. I thought well before posting this here, considering the very special conditions of my society, I thought it will be hard for a lot of people to relate or understand the situation somehow, then I remembered that *******s are everywhere, and that summer romance is, and will stay, one of the most acceptable and welcome clichés of all time. I apologize for my language as well as I'm still working on improving it.

Massive thank you in advance. Much Love.

 

*Here in the Middle East, it's totally unsafe/ unrecommended to give your phone number to a random guy; highly likely you will end up with cyber harassment … etc. Not generalizing of course, this becomes a whole different story in another context for example when meeting a guy at some conference or something. This is just so you can see the big picture.

[ClaireSam]

Originally he used to live in the same city i live in with his family but he had to move when his company's merged with another company a year ago. He works as a sales advisor. He is quite a successful person, and I joked a lot that the kinda emotional manipulation he uses with his clients won't really work with me -obviously it did. I tried hard but it did. He only talked briefly about his mom and sister. He told me once he has no real friends and people who surround him now are not really there for him and they are more like party-friends or hard-party kinda friends if you know what i mean, and that he wishes to cut off his relationship with them. He currently lives with a colleague of his. The closest person to him is his mom.

He said he wants someone like me in his life, someone who will push him in the right direction, someone who he can conversate with and will never be toxic to him ... etc. He told me some wild stories of his past., like really WILD. The boy was a party animal, this is why he keeps himself busy all the time, so he doesn't devote time to that kinda . I'm not defending really. I'm just clarifying the image, that's all. He had many girlfriends before -mostly nonArab, and he told me that he wanted to get married to one of them, but religion was an issue somehow.

I used to be very careful when it comes to love. I don't understand how this happened.

 

P.S. We live in the same country, only that we're 9 hours apart.

[2much4]

Don't beat yourself up over this. You experienced something new. Had a good time. Stuck to your own morals.

Got your heart broken.

 

It wouldn't have worked out with him over the long term....you obviously have different values.

[umirano]

I think you handled it well. I doubt it would have gone anywhere, even in the middle run. He stopped talking to you. That's all you need to know. It happens to almost everyone. We fall in love with unavailable people. Sometimes it's plogistics, sometimes it's character, sometimes it's the other person's history that makes them unavoidable.

 

My guess is that although you suffer a little bit now, you avoided a lot of suffering down the road. Definitely a good deal.

 

Good luck