mortensorchid Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 My friend who I will call Sarah moved back to my city a few weeks/months ago after being away for seven years. I had not seen/heard from her the whole time, then out of the blue she sends me an IM through Facebook one day saying she was returning. I was happy. She was moving back to be with this guy she was with and when she arrived he went poof (long story I won't get into). She moved in with this other guy and they have been living together as roommates since. She has a new bf. Now granted, I don't know this guy at all but I did meet him for a flash a few weeks ago. He actually worked as a cashier at a liquor store across the street from her apartment building, we went across the street to buy for a Saturday night before the TV, I remember nothing about him except someone said he must have cut off all his dreadlocks to impress her. (And he had short hair, I remember that fact.) Since then, she asked him out, and I guess they are quite happy. Granted it's only been a few weeks since they are together. Just goes to show you how easy it is for everyone else. I don't attempt to meet people online anymore, although I have had a few friend interactions which have gone a few places (as friends nothing more). After getting stabbed in back and mistreated so many times my self esteem is in the gutter. The last time I asked someone out he said "I am not interested in you romantically" and I walked away after that humiliation. Something inside of me must have died, it was a turning point moment in so many ways. People say the same things : your fishing in the wrong pond, have hope, etc. I live a life of isolation once again - not interacting with people outside of special people I am training for jobs, substitute teaching (you're not one with the students nor the others on staff at the schools you are teaching at and don't think you are for a moment - learned that the hard way). All alone. I'm not complaining, it's just what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 Why not ask Sarah what her secret is? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 When people are content and happy in their own skin, people flock to them. When people have a positive energy, a contagious smile and laugh, a zest for life, people flock to them. I have noticed when I am really happy with myself, just feelin' myself, other people feel it to and want to be around me. Sometimes I find myself smiling or having a silent chuckle, because I think I am that damn funny... And the dialogue in my own head comes across my face - I see strangers try to make eye contact. I see others wanting to smile too.... What the dialogue in your head? I have a feeling that is where things start. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 I don't think Sarah has a secret. I don't think anyone has a secret quite honesty. I'm too out there, been burned so many times it's hysterical. I feel like no one wants me no matter what is or isn't happening. I don't see anyone around me. I'm just not one of THEM. I exist in the world, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 When you have the negative nobody wants me mentality it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe Sarah doesn't have that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Code123 Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 At least you haven't been approached in public by the opposite sex on more than one occasion and told that you're ugly like I have. Women have told me point blank throughout my life that I'm hideous. I wish I could tell you that I "didn't let it get to me and now I'm dating attractive women", but that would be the precise opposite of true. It has utterly destroyed my soul and led my life to ruin. I'm still a virgin and have never even kissed a girl. Every time I look in the mirror, the reason why is confirmed. My advice to you is just to make yourself attractive and available. Men will flow in. That's just how it is. Women don't have much to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephule Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 So Sarah uproots her life to be with a man who promptly disappears on her. Where is the easy part? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 I don't think Sarah has a secret. I don't think anyone has a secret quite honesty. I'm too out there, been burned so many times it's hysterical. I feel like no one wants me no matter what is or isn't happening. I don't see anyone around me. I'm just not one of THEM. I exist in the world, that's all. You are employed, seem to have your life together overall, and are definitely not ugly. Do you have an idea of what exactly doesn't make you one of them? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 What do you LIKE about yourself? All I'm hearing are things you don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 Sarah was interested in him and asked him out. She knew what she wanted and put effort into achieving results. Did you put an equal amount of effort into the guy you were recently interested in? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 How does your personality differ from your personality? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 At least you haven't been approached in public by the opposite sex on more than one occasion and told that you're ugly like I have. Women have told me point blank throughout my life that I'm hideous. I wish I could tell you that I "didn't let it get to me and now I'm dating attractive women", but that would be the precise opposite of true. It has utterly destroyed my soul and led my life to ruin. I'm still a virgin and have never even kissed a girl. Every time I look in the mirror, the reason why is confirmed. Has this happened as an adult? Strangers walk up to you out of nowhere and say this? I heard it plenty through my school years, people can be cruel. But I didn't internalize it, instead I decided that they were *********s and that I was smarter, classier and more capable than them anyway. Sure all a woman needs to do is "be attractive" and all a man needs to do is be successful. Good job, good people skills, and ugly men land beautiful women. Smarts and success doesn't bring women the same sort of dating advantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 Code123 - I have had people tell me that I am ugly. I have had people tell me that I am crazy, that I am stupid, that I am many, many inferior things compared to them. I know what you're saying - that they are insecure and they do this to make themselves feel better about themselves by chipping away at the self esteem of others around them. There never was a doubt in my mind after a certain point that this is what it's all about. As to the fishing in the wrong pond situation - either with friends or dating situations ... Unfortunately for me I think it was really over by the time I graduated from college at age 22. I was from that point forward no longer surrounded by people my age nor was I surrounded by people who came from good homes or were educated (I was lucky if I was with those who finished high school in many office situations). My father at first forced me into situations when I was first in the world - he dragged me kicking and screaming once to a high school football game when I wanted to go out with a new friend I met in the office and meet new adult friends, another time demanded that I go to an alumni get together and maybe 5 people showed up to it. Then he gave up, thank God. But that's a separate issue with me and him. And am I okay? Well none of the guys I have met who are white collar and educated want me because they think I am either crazy or a bitch or they are intimidated by me because I have an exciting life, that I'm a go getter, that I am not a snob, that I am popular with others, etc. And none of the guys who are blue collar and uneducated want me for the same reasons. And yet, at the same time, a guy friend recently told me that most men settle for the first woman who pays attention to them. So ... Tell me what it's all about then. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 I know this is an over-simplification but if I could pinpoint one single trait that women who don't do that well with men have: they are introverted, some highly so. This makes it hard for them two-fold: they meet less men because they enjoy solitary activities and they make men feel somewhat awkward to be around them because they don't chatter away and entertain them. All introverted women I know that have found decent partners, met them in high school/college. Those quality, educated, honest and loyal men that value introverted qualities in a woman have settled down early and stay settled down. Our only hope is widowers really Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted September 14, 2017 Author Share Posted September 14, 2017 And with all my terrible experiences and luck with men in my past, I feel I have been stabbed, broken, etc. So I assume whenever I meet a man that he doesn't like me, or he will find an excuse as to how / why he can't be with me, either because he will grow to hate me or he will feel inferior next to me, and he'll end up being emotionally abusive towards me. Fact. So no point in getting happy or excited or whatever else about it, all they ever do is hurt me if I let them in. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted September 14, 2017 Share Posted September 14, 2017 Its all about how we come off. Two of my male friends met their wives when they were down and out with relationships. Its not like they were happy and just upbeat. I think some of the people we see never with out a relationship are co dependent. some lucked out as well. My buddy SA is now technically single. His wife who he has been with since 1988 wants out of their marriage. They were teenager when they met. I am hoping they get back together. As I keep saying here. I think a lot of people need to let go being the driving force of finding love. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 I think that we all have a long life to live. So I guess for some of us that are still single. The best is yet to come. I can't see myself single for life. I see myself making it to 87/97 for lifespan. I don't see myself with nothing in that area. How it manifests it self and with who and the dynamics of it. Have yet to be played out. I just envision a woman that likes me romantically and makes a major effort to let me know about it. Its happened before. I just have not met her yet. So Prayer and staying a good guy is what I need to do. I almost think that Dating less for us is the key. As I have said before. A tattooed mental check list is what we should all have, when we are out there socializing and a dating situation pops up. Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted September 21, 2017 Share Posted September 21, 2017 I know this is an over-simplification but if I could pinpoint one single trait that women who don't do that well with men have: they are introverted, some highly so. This makes it hard for them two-fold: they meet less men because they enjoy solitary activities and they make men feel somewhat awkward to be around them because they don't chatter away and entertain them. All introverted women I know that have found decent partners, met them in high school/college. Those quality, educated, honest and loyal men that value introverted qualities in a woman have settled down early and stay settled down. Our only hope is widowers really Yep, you got it right down to the tee. This is why I was single for 6 years between my ex and my fiancé. My loneliest moments are usually when I'm with people, in the crowd, and just feel so lost. Every small talk, every grin, every smile literally makes me feel like my every fiber of being is being torn apart. Needless to say, apart from work functions, I just want to stay at home by myself doing my favorite - solitary - activities . This is where online dating, despite its creeps galore and its cold-hearted focus on stats & appearance (and I have had my fair share of creeps, trust me), comes to the rescue. My fiance and I both tell each other, "Thank goodness for the Internet!", because how else would we - two people who despise crowds - meet each other, when neither of us gets out of the house? Having said that, I know I was exceedingly lucky to have stayed on OLD for only a month and met my fiance that way (I couldn't wait to get off). I don't know if I would have persisted if I had gone on a date, or worse, dated a completely incompatible person and have it turn out horribly. Always one of those easier said than done type thing. Regardless, I understand how you feel because I'm the exact same type. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 This is how it really is. Until we all meet a potential LTR that rings our bell and we click with them. Most of will stay single. How bad is it being single. Not really that bad. For me all it means is no major physical affection and commitment with a woman in a romantic context. Thats it. I don't know why a lot of us here feel so down by not having a Romantic SO. I struggle with not wanting it as well. I don't know how to overide it and I don't think its a big sex thing for me as well. What we have to do is put our lives in perspective and say we are going to live a long life. It has yet to manifest for some of us. Might as well enjoy the freedom. Once we do have that SO. Its compromise and not having as much space as we would like to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 Thing is though l could read her in a line or two, so now she's hooked up with the cashier. lt won't go anywhere, remember she's been away 7 yrs and came back to move in with a guy that dumped her , few more in a matter of wks. Pretty well says it all. You'll probably come out ahead in the end but she;ll be still bouncing from guy to guy. l hear you though on your work and life sitch , l work at home on my own so l have to make a special effort to even leave the house to be honest apart from needing food or stuff for work. And on the online , l split with gf not long ago but did have a little lookie on an old date site, seems ridiculous , the women l like aren't gonna be in that place, not that l'm even in any state to meet someone new right now anyway. Mysterio , it's just the way iy has to be for me l think , has been my whole life even before l was married , then w and the gf , l just tend to meet people , even if l have no life. Though my faith in that one is wavering pretty thin these days but l gotta trust it l guess. Stumbled over w , stumbled over gf , the only two women that matter in my life but l stumbled over any other gf's too. l dunno , feel like my lucks ran out now though tbh but, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 ps , l dig introverted women , well the ones that are in a social way anyway. Between us and behind closed doors though , they can be brilliant and fun and quirkie and different , all things l just love. the whole sociable thing is highly over rated and it can also be a real pain in the ass in marriage and long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guy45 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 I generally surround myself with people who are in the same boat as me. I've had trouble getting dates my whole life. At the end of the day though I've come to realize that 99% of the women out there I don't even like, so being single isn't even that bad. Being single is actually better since it makes life more interesting and not so planned out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) Being a single or in rship but have their pros and cons. I think some people are wired better for one or the other, so if they aren't there, they can be quite miserable even if everything else in there life is good. They feel like something big is missing. I know people like this Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 I was thinking about why I have this "no one wants me" attitude these days. I've suffered a lot, I've been dumped by cowardly men, been abused by one of them. I'm eccentric and a very social person most of the time, but I meet all creative types who tend not to be bread winner types. Even those who have somewhat of that in them tend to still throw me over for a sub par gal who ends up cleaning him out financially then divorcing / dumping him. What a mess. Everyone says "keep the faith", "keep moving foward", etc. And I do that with my work life and my social life. Love? Dead in the water. Because the last time I had a thing for someone, he rejected me. I walked away and never talked to him again after that, because that's what I was supposed to do. Ever since that rejection, I changed. I was damaged, still am. I have this attitude that no one wants me, even someone who I say hello and shake hands with - they don't want me. The solution to getting out of this funk is to find someone who deserves me, of course, but that person does not exist. I don't want to be a negative person, I want to be positive one and have a good time with life. But it never ever changes... What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Don't be that negative, you've had bad experiences but who doesn't. I had a guy misleading me for years, speculating with the fact I was naive virgin with no social network. Then another one that beat me up several times. Also attempted blackmailing and stalking after I tried to leave him. Then a dude who tricked me into moving in with me and then sucking many thousands of my savings. Blackout drunk almost got our place on fire. More recently: a guy who was messaging dozens of women on dating site while asking me can we get engaged in the next few months, asking me about engagement daily. Not sharing the above to join the pity party, just saying that didn't 'damage' me. They wish I kept calm and carried on, even dealt with another frustrating dating situation No one, just no one can damage you unless you let them. And a person desired by anyone *does not exist*. Don't over-focus on it, but meet people and you'd end up meeting a match. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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