Case in point, so easy for others not me

[Cersei]

Stop looking for a partner. You are putting too much pressure on yourself.

A good one will find you when you least expect it.

 

Hang in there.

[amaysngrace]

You sound like you're stuck in a rut unless this is your normal way of being? I think you need to change your self talk since it may be that you're living a self fulfilling prophecy with all this negativity you're believing about yourself.

 

What are some positive things about you?

[CptInsano]

I think you are indeed stuck, and taking a break will not help IMHO unless you will do something substantially different. There are only two parameters to play with: You own attitude/approach towards dating and the men you date. Oddly enough you seem very well aware of the dilemma that you are facing. What is easier to change? I don't know.

 

In only know that I once had to take a good look at what type of woman I was looking for , and expand my horizons as a result at it. In that sense you are by no means alone.

[mortensorchid]

I don't think this applies to dating issues only. I think it applies to my general feeling in life. I feel like I am not worthy of being. I've had many people hurt me in the last few years, since I was a kid honestly, who have excluded me or told me I was not to be part of things, not to be part of their group, that I was too weird to be part of them, etc. Some of that is nonsense, things you would expect from other kids as part of growing up, when it comes from other adults and people you trust, it's another issue.

 

So I guess the best thing to do is to just retreat into myself, hide in the shadows, not do or say much. Because it's best to just stay silent, no one wants to hear what I have to say anyway. No one wants me, that's a fact.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Whenever I read your posts, just from some things you've said, you remind me of a friend of mine I've known for a very long time (since jr. high). You seem to be very much like her in personality, intelligence, maybe even some interests. No, I'm not asking if you want to meet her lol.

 

She's almost 45 and never married. And, quite honestly, everyone who knows her can see why. She's super career-driven (got her Ph.D. last year), very intelligent, worldly (as in, aware of what's happening in the world and can talk about any topic except marriage and motherhood), can be very funny and fun to be around. Loves most of her family, is a very devoted and loyal friend. But. She's very, very abrasive. Has super high expectations of people in her life. She's so dominant and opinionated and defensive and has little patience for opinions other than her own. I've had to hide her on Facebook to preserve our friendship. She's a fierce, fierce feminist. She still holds anger and resentment from not always being accepted in childhood/high school as much as she wanted to be. She has blamed (maybe rightly so) some of the rejection she's experienced on some scarring from a childhood car accident. She has carried this resentment and insecurity into her adulthood and it manifests by her appearing to be uber confident and completely unflappable. I can't imagine ever seeing her cry. Men (and many women) are not only intimated by this, they are put off and find her complete lack of vulnerability unattractive. She never, ever, ever gives in. About anything. She's argumentative. She's had a few relationships, but I've never met any of the men. I really wonder what they are like because I can't imagine a man who could actually put up with her! We became close again (since high school) a few years back, but after last year's election, we've taken a mutual break from that lol. However, during our time of reconnecting I did catch glimpses of a "softer" side of her when she'd confide things here and there about her insecurities....and they made her personality make more sense. But, the fact remains....she's abrasive. She turns a lot of people off because of this.

 

I don't know know if you are EXACTLY like this, but by reading a lot of your posts, I've seen at least some similarities, so I thought I'd share in case even 20% of this rings true for you.

[Chilli]

Whenever I read your posts, just from some things you've said, you remind me of a friend of mine I've known for a very long time (since jr. high). You seem to be very much like her in personality, intelligence, maybe even some interests. No, I'm not asking if you want to meet her lol.

 

She's almost 45 and never married. And, quite honestly, everyone who knows her can see why. She's super career-driven (got her Ph.D. last year), very intelligent, worldly (as in, aware of what's happening in the world and can talk about any topic except marriage and motherhood), can be very funny and fun to be around. Loves most of her family, is a very devoted and loyal friend. But. She's very, very abrasive. Has super high expectations of people in her life. She's so dominant and opinionated and defensive and has little patience for opinions other than her own. I've had to hide her on Facebook to preserve our friendship. She's a fierce, fierce feminist. She still holds anger and resentment from not always being accepted in childhood/high school as much as she wanted to be. She has blamed (maybe rightly so) some of the rejection she's experienced on some scarring from a childhood car accident. She has carried this resentment and insecurity into her adulthood and it manifests by her appearing to be uber confident and completely unflappable. I can't imagine ever seeing her cry. Men (and many women) are not only intimated by this, they are put off and find her complete lack of vulnerability unattractive. She never, ever, ever gives in. About anything. She's argumentative. She's had a few relationships, but I've never met any of the men. I really wonder what they are like because I can't imagine a man who could actually put up with her! We became close again (since high school) a few years back, but after last year's election, we've taken a mutual break from that lol. However, during our time of reconnecting I did catch glimpses of a "softer" side of her when she'd confide things here and there about her insecurities....and they made her personality make more sense. But, the fact remains....she's abrasive. She turns a lot of people off because of this.

 

I don't know know if you are EXACTLY like this, but by reading a lot of your posts, I've seen at least some similarities, so I thought I'd share in case even 20% of this rings true for you.

 

 

l have no clue if mortons even remotely anything like her so please don't think l'm talking about yourself morton , matter of fasct l don't get that impression at all so it's just this one CO knows but hell yeah , what a nightmare, l started running halfway through reading it. No one could be bothered with that bs.

 

l've got a few sisters like this, 40's and 50s but l've always seen why but when they asked me and l've tried to tell them all l get is arguments back, l rest my case, l mean who can be fkd , yknow. Theys till seem to have absolutely no idea what a pain in the ass they are, it's weird.

 

But for morton nah , dunno if it's just me but l never get that impression. l like that your different to M , love different , don't retreat into yourself , that's no way to live .

l'm thinking it might just be your picker and expectations , around the wrong types or something, but can't tell.

Edited October 2, 2017 by Chilli

[amaysngrace]

So nothing is positive about you? Come on. There has to be something.

 

Don't let the way other people treat you define you because seriously that's really only just defining them. I'm sure you must know that.

[CptInsano]

I'm still trying to piece it together, too. It also confuses me that guys are supposed to reject the OP because she leads an exciting life and is popular, and on the other hand she feels excluded. I can honestly say that I'm puzzled.

[mortensorchid]

I've been told by many people in life that I hide from others. I have many great qualities, I have so much when others have so little, I should be proud of who I am, etc. I do not argue certain things, I agree with a lot of it. I've had some very jealous, evil people lash out at me from the time I was a kid and continue to as an adult (it still happens not as frequent) who have chipped away at my self esteem enough to make me feel as if I am lesser than they are. True, I think there are many who have treated me badly but I hardly think I am the first. I don't showboat about my life, I keep things to myself in general. If you want to see what I am doing they can read my Facebook page which is full of excitement and evidence of what I do and have done in the past.

 

The reason I hide somewhat is because others have hurt me and I fear they will take information and use it against me. Even trivial, mundane things like what brand of tuna fish I like eating. Years ago I had a coworker come up to me during the first few weeks on the job and she told me that people think I am stupid. That was a lance, to be sure, but I tell myself when people do things like that they are just evil to begin with and all others around them suffer from their behaviors. Cowardice reigns, as some have lashed out at me or broken up with me via email / text messages. Karma's a real bitch to them, they fall down hard eventually without any input from me. I am not alone, to be sure, but it's damaged me to the point where I think I must keep myself separate from others, isolate and be happy being a rogue. And I have had wonderful times being a rogue, don't think I sit at home and cry all the time because I don't. I am very popular and have a lot of friends and always doing something fun when I want to.

 

I guess I can only say that no one exists who shares these thoughts and feelings that I encounter.

[CptInsano]

I think what makes it hard for me to understand is that I don't feel separate from others when I'm with friends. They understand me, at least to some degree, and they have influence over me because I value their input. I trust them.

 

That's why I cannot quite follow when you say that you are a rogue when being with friends.

[hotpotato]

I know this is an over-simplification but if I could pinpoint one single trait that women who don't do that well with men have: they are introverted, some highly so.

 

This makes it hard for them two-fold: they meet less men because they enjoy solitary activities and they make men feel somewhat awkward to be around them because they don't chatter away and entertain them.

 

All introverted women I know that have found decent partners, met them in high school/college. Those quality, educated, honest and loyal men that value introverted qualities in a woman have settled down early and stay settled down.

 

 

Our only hope is widowers really

 

There is a lot of truth to this. I had an ex gloat about how the new girl was sooo talkative and such a great conversationalist.

 

If you're not very talkative, people can make a lot of assumptions about you -that you're arrogant, stupid, not interesting, or not interested in them.

 

I enjoy many solo activities,too, like writing and reading. I'm normally not talkative. I've had people tell me they liked me better when i was drunk.

 

I, too, feel like my time to find someone has passed.

[Cookiesandough]

Is introverted being used synonymous to quiet here? I thought they were different. I thought introverts just 'recharge' in solitude. They can be just ask chatty as extroverts? At least I am.

[CptInsano]

I'm not sure if being introverted is necessarily the source of the dilemma. It seems that the OP pulled back because people reacted negatively towards her. I just have no clue as to why.

[hotpotato]

I was thinking about why I have this "no one wants me" attitude these days. I've suffered a lot, I've been dumped by cowardly men, been abused by one of them. I'm eccentric and a very social person most of the time, but I meet all creative types who tend not to be bread winner types. Even those who have somewhat of that in them tend to still throw me over for a sub par gal who ends up cleaning him out financially then divorcing / dumping him. What a mess.

 

Everyone says "keep the faith", "keep moving foward", etc. And I do that with my work life and my social life. Love? Dead in the water. Because the last time I had a thing for someone, he rejected me. I walked away and never talked to him again after that, because that's what I was supposed to do. Ever since that rejection, I changed. I was damaged, still am. I have this attitude that no one wants me, even someone who I say hello and shake hands with - they don't want me.

 

The solution to getting out of this funk is to find someone who deserves me, of course, but that person does not exist. I don't want to be a negative person, I want to be positive one and have a good time with life. But it never ever changes... What to do?

 

It's something about being abused by men that makes women not want to date! I don't think the reverse is true for me.

 

I had a coworker who was abused, and she would never had another relationship that I knew of. She'd meet a guy here and there, but things always seemed to fizzle.

 

I feel ya,too. Just about every guy who dumped me went on to date at least one woman after his money.

 

IMO here's how it goes. These women are very experienced with men, and they will come at a man full force telling him everything he wants to hear and doing everything right. If you're introverted and not very experienced, your charms may be more subtle. i was told that i was more subtle by one guy. This guy moved in a woman he barely knew and her kid from a different state which went downhill.

 

This is real talk. You many not need a man. These smooth talking women may have kids or be broke without stable employment so they have to hook a man. I'm not saying every single parent or every single woman is like that, but quite a few are. I know of women who don't know where their next meal will come from if they don't have a man. For these women, hooking a man is JOB.

[hotpotato]

Is introverted being used synonymous to quiet here? I thought they were different. I thought introverts just 'recharge' in solitude. They can be just ask chatty as extroverts? At least I am.

 

For me, being quiet is part of my introversion package. I'd imagine the quiet introversion will have more trouble with being social in general. I know i did.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is introverted being used synonymous to quiet here? I thought they were different. I thought introverts just 'recharge' in solitude. They can be just ask chatty as extroverts? At least I am.

 

 

I'm a very outgoing introvert. I find it very easy and rewarding to have conversations one-on-one. I LOVE getting to know people. All kinds of people. I'll strike up a conversation one-on-one with anyone, anywhere. I'll hear a near-life story in 5 minutes of getting to know someone, which totally cracks my one friend up because she purposefully makes eye contact with nobody (but she is NOT an introvert, go figure). People who know me very, very well know exactly what this means. People who just meet me think I'm super quiet and shy. Maybe boring.

 

Here's an example. I go to a "group fitness" gym. Small gym, all women in a 9:15 a.m. class. (It's open to men, but none go to the 9:15 class, not that it matters at all to my story). If there are 8-10 women there, I hardly speak. I very, very much enjoy the banter, funny stories, laughter, etc. But I don't chime in often at all. I prefer to stay in the background. If there are only 2 of us and the instructor in a class, I'm MUCH more talkative. I feel more comfortable sharing stories, etc. I still never monopolize a conversation, but I think on the days when there are small classes the instructor is probably like, "wow, she speaks!"

 

To sum up, I don't think introvert has to mean "quiet," although I often AM quiet and I'm OK with that. I think extroverts really HAVE to be in the middle of the conversation, participating, etc. The world needs ALL of us .

 

ETA: I think I probably make extroverts who do not know me (I'm thinking of one particular woman at the gym) uncomfortable because I can't meet their energy level and they don't really know how to take me because I'm so reserved. I wish extroverts didn't think that introverts "aren't having fun" or that they are grumpy or sad or annoyed or....whatever. BUT, in my past (and I still struggle with this, but I'm so much better because I've worked at it), I've had trouble wanting to be around extreme extroverts. I'm thinking back to some friends I had in college whom I absolutely could not relate to because they were so extroverted, gregarious, expressive, even hyper....they made me so uncomfortable (all women, by the way) because I felt like I had to be able to match their enthusiasm, but it felt totally fake if I did. So I just chose to not be around them because I could not match their communication style. All super nice, kind girls. All of the women I'm thinking of are now my friends on Facebook, and I feel like I relate to them much better that way! lol! Now that I'm much older, I have a much easier time relating to people who have this personality type because I'm more confident myself, knowing I do not have to match their energy level to be able to have a conversation with them. Maybe my calm and reserved demeanor is what THEY need to help them tone down a bit.

 

Late night ramblings by CO....

Edited October 5, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[thefooloftheyear]

Being introverted isn't what holds people/women back...

 

I can't speak for all, and I hope I don't offend anyone that may have had struggles, but the one trait that I have found in women that don't do well with men/dating/relationships is that all of those women have a certain "coldness" to them...It's very hard to accurately define, or tie a particular behavior to it, it's just becomes "one of those things"....

 

Many guys love and prefer introverts...I, for one, don't care for outgoing women...They tire me out, just being in their presence, and want them to go away as soon as possible...

 

TFY

[mortensorchid]

Maybe I suffer from a certain degree of PTSD from the lashings out I have experienced. I live a very isolated life in many ways - I travel a lot as I am juggling 3 jobs and struggling to get by (substitute teaching and job coaching for 2 companies). I have pretty much given up on OLD as a means to meet someone (and after a few nightmares in the recent past I think it hammered it home). I hope that somehow I can meet a decent person going out and doing things, kind of the old fashioned way. The trouble is that I don't - arts and theater is populated by gay men. I've heard some join gyms to meet people, but that doesn't seem to happen for me as I rarely talk to others when I am there. I am involved with the community in other things but they are all populated by married couples or married people who are there without their spouses.

 

It's just a loosing battle in my case.

[Mysterio]

People see us in various ways. Positive or negative. Its not always universal. I got told a month ago that I would make a great husband, by a woman I am newly friends with. My ex wanted me to help her have a baby with her a couple of years ago. As she is pushing 40. I think that I come off as happy and light. I have people tell that to me all the time.

 

Several of my buddies were not high as a kite and happy. They were worried about aspects of their lives and the women, whoa re now their wives. Still broke through.

 

We are all restless in our lives. Some people are more charming in other areas of their lives than others.

 

I have it better in friendship/family than I do in dating. Dating = okay. I am coming to a conclusion that I am doing way to much in the dating world. Unless a woman is really making an effort to connect with me. I should really just leave it. I have had women make the move on be before. So why not leave it for awhile. The woman that I will settle down with is coming from the group that makes a move on me. Not me chasing some woman and trying to get her to like me romantically.

 

I don't know any guy or girl for that matter that goes on multiple dates and has to really struggle with who to pick. We meet we connect or don't connect. I personally think that mulitiple monogomus relationships is going to be the norm. Meeting someone early in your 20 till death do you part. More of an annomaly.

 

I have women friends so as I have said before. If I want a female perspective on anything. I just go to them.

 

In my pics. I'm always smiling and happy. So I don't walk around with a scowl on my face. Its very unrealistic for me and others to expect to be viewed in a roantic way at all times. There are Bills to be paid. Work/Working out/family/friends to attend to. We all can't project romantic vibes all the time.

 

Its like music. You like some. You don't like all. I interact with lots of women at my workplace at the hospital. There are a lot of pretty women. For me at this time in my life. Unless a woman is really showing me major interest. I don't get turned on.

 

A woman who wants me romantically is going to have to make some major moves on me, to turn my head. It won't me be being the driving force.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Mysterio