Do I leave her because of no sex?

[z1rmp]

Long story short...

Together 2 years

Never had gr8 sex life but at least got some

As time progressed from sometimes in the week and at weekends to

Just at weekends to

Sometimes at weekends to

occasional weekends to

very occasionally to

never

 

My wife has NO interest in sex at all, but I do.

I get into bed at night, take 1 look at her and DING DONG!!!

 

She is beautiful, I love her but any kind of closeness that might lead to sex she avoids.

I have tried to talk to her and asked if she could at least do something for my sake but the answer is a stern NO

 

She does not believe that sex is relevant to love someone and I disagree.

 

She says I should have sex with someone else if it's that much of an issue. WTF is that all about - I just want to make love to the woman I chose to spend my life with that I find incredibly attactive.

 

I'm now at the point of leaving her over this - purely becuase it's destroying me wanting to make love and having to deal with a rejection every night.

 

She maintains that she loves me and is happy as things are but I am not.

 

I don't want to leave her but there's no compromise from her - I am destined to a life of no sex, and for a healthy 30 yr old male - that's a big ask.

 

HELP!!!

[HokeyReligions]

Talk to a counselor so that you can find some tools to deal with this now - and talk to your wife about getting a complete physical and also into counseling.

 

many couples break up over sex and its really a problem that is deeper than sex. She has some issues or problems (mental and/or physical health) that need to be addressed.

 

I am a woman, but I understand how you feel. When in my 20's my husband rapidly decreased how often we had sex until is was every couple of years and then nothing for the last oh, about 15 years now. Sex was important to me too and it hurt llike hell to be rejected - even though he constantly assured me it was HIM and not me. That didn't help. Eventually we got counseling and I made the decision to stay in the marriage and have dealt with it and got past it. But it was a good 10 years before I was able to come to terms with it.

 

Personally, I think your wife may be seriously depressed / have a chemical imbalance, or has some trauma in her life or upbringing that is mentally attacking her sex drive. Serious medical diagnosis and treatment---including counseling is warranted. If she is not willing to do this at all, then have a serious discussion (not a threat) about ending your marriage so that you both can move on and maybe find others whose priorities match your own.

 

You said your sex life was never that great -- maybe she is just one of those people to whom sex is not that important.

[SoftDrink]

i don't think i could have answered that better than hokey.

[z1rmp]

Thank you.

The whole thing is tearing me apart.

Tonight she has stayed at a friends house just to get away from the issue.

I love the girl, she loves me. Her language of love is not sex, but I feel so rejected because of this and want physical contact - she is a beautiful girl.

Now she's not here I realise what life would be like without her, and I wouldn't like it.

Instead I am forced into a life that makes me unhappy.

Maybe I will learn to accept it and thats my lot so I have to get used to it.

I don't think I could leave her.

[Jayhawks]

Hokey is spot on on this.

[dgiirl]

z1rmp, get help now! Either IC or MC, but get help. If you try to ignore it, you'll end up building resentment and eventually leave or get depressed yourself. Trust me, this is an important issue and it will not get better. I'm facing a divorce myself because we both ignored the problem. We never fixed it, and infact a whole lot of other problems arised because of it. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for 8 years and now my stbxh has left. He wont come back and holds a LOT of resentment towards me. I love him dearly, but he's moved on. All of his emotions for me are dead. Dont ignore it thinking things will get better or you can handle it. Please, get help.

[MadManMike]

My wife is exactly the same except she does not have feelings for me other than the fact I him the father of her children. it has been over a year and a half since we had sex and before that it gradually dwindled. If a woman cares for you she will make an effort to satisfy your needs even if it isn't always when you want it.

[Mamaof2]

I agree that if she loved you as she says that she does, No offense to you, she would make a point to make love to you or see a doctor, mental or physical. She would be making some attempt to have a relationship with you. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I relationship is all about sex but I don believe that it is about communicating with your spouse and being intimate with each other weather it is talking about your feelings or otherwise, holding each other and so on. I lost some sex drive after our son was born but I wanted to please my husband and did make love anyways and he knew that wasn't the same for me and we talked our way through it. That's how it should be talking and the rest follows or go see the doctor, they got some great stuff out there now, lol.

[z1rmp]

She has seen a doctor, she's been for blood tests.

There's nothing wrong with her, just no Mojo baby!!!

She does have a hip condition which can make sex painful for her but that's no excuse for not doing other things to compensate for that is it?

 

It doesn't have to be penetrative sex to satisfy your partner, she just doesn't want to & won't compromise on the issue.

 

My argument being that if she loves me then she'd at least make the effort.

 

Her argument being that she has no interest in it and doesn't want to - which I think is a selfish attitude.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she refuses to compromise and is completely indifferent to the fact that you have sexual needs, then you have little choice in the matter: adapt to this sexless marriage devoid of intimacy - or leave it.

 

I'm sure you've told your wife that you have sexual needs that need to be met, and aren't - what is her reaction to that? If she steadfastly and stubbornly refuses to acknowledge them - and chooses to do nothing then you will have to make a choice: you can either: decide to stay married with no sex life - or stay married and get your sexual needs met elsewhere - or if that doesn't work for you: divorce.

[dgiirl]

Get some IC. If she experiences pain during sex, she's probably uncomfortable with any aspect of it. I would guess deep down she wants to please you, but feels uncomfortable and a lot of anxiety with the fact that she cant completely, so she shuts down. You guys can talk and talk about it but I dont think she'll understand your need completely. A third party who is objective and has dealt with these problems before can help a lot. They'll give you the tools to communicate properly. I would recommend a female therapist so when/if your wife comes along, she wont feel overpowered by two males, and a female therapist can give you some insight into the female mind.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by z1rmp

Thank you.

The whole thing is tearing me apart.

Tonight she has stayed at a friends house just to get away from the issue.

I love the girl, she loves me. Her language of love is not sex, but I feel so rejected because of this and want physical contact - she is a beautiful girl.

Now she's not here I realise what life would be like without her, and I wouldn't like it.

Instead I am forced into a life that makes me unhappy.

Maybe I will learn to accept it and thats my lot so I have to get used to it.

I don't think I could leave her.

 

You really need to get some help with this - no matter what your decision. I could not have just decided to stay and tried to live with it and deal with it myself. I went through periods of intense resentment and anger and our marriage broke up a couple of times and it took counseling to help get it together. The fact that she's avoiding the issue by leaving the house is not good. My husband did that too and it hurt terribly, but more than that was the fear. Fear of failure. Fear of losing hope -- as long as we were together I would still hope that 'some day' things would change and that is what I worked toward for a long time on my own. Realizing that there will never again be sex in the marriage is a traumatic and life altering realization. It seems that there can be no hope of any kind after that. But there CAN still be hope of happiness and happiness itself, although until you get into counseling you can't find it. You need an outside person who will deal with your individual issues to help you.

 

I didn't think I could leave him either HOWEVER - I had to get to a place in my life where I KNEW I COULD leave him and be happy before I could make that decision to stay -- it is the only way to stay together and be happy--even without sex. Otherwise you will resent her, you will have times when you are so depressed you will seriously think death would be better. Your own self-esteem will be in the toilet and you'll think that a sex-less marriage equals a totally unhappy one and that is all you deserve.

 

This is a tough issue -- please get some counseling for yourself even if she won't consider marriage counseling.

[MadManMike]

Originally posted by z1rmp

She has seen a doctor, she's been for blood tests.

There's nothing wrong with her, just no Mojo baby!!!

She does have a hip condition which can make sex painful for her but that's no excuse for not doing other things to compensate for that is it?

 

It doesn't have to be penetrative sex to satisfy your partner, she just doesn't want to & won't compromise on the issue.

 

My argument being that if she loves me then she'd at least make the effort.

 

Her argument being that she has no interest in it and doesn't want to - which I think is a selfish attitude.

 

if I didn't know any better by what you just said, I would say you were married to my wife because she said the exact same thing. years ago she said, "I still care for you" and then it went to " I dont know if I have feelings for you" to " I dont have any feelings for you and if you dont like the way things are, get the divorce papers and I will sign them." she may be suffering from severe depression and doesn't know it or won't face up to it. if this were the case then you would have something to work with anyway.

[Mamaof2]

I was just curious if you don't mind, is what is her stand on the children issue. Just curious cause when I wanted another baby and my husband kept telling me no so I told him on sex. I figured at the time that there was no need for sex if I couldn't have another baby. I have heard a lot of women have done that also.

 

Except I got wise and just tricked him into our son. Then he went and got fixed, but hey, I got my two kids. lol.

 

I was just wondering. I'm not trying to be nosy, just trying to help and look at all possible issue that might be going on. Women can be very emotional and can easily shut down when they think they are not being understood. I'm just trying to help.

[z1rmp]

Like I said. She does have a hip condition that means sex is uncomfortable.

However, my argument - she went out with work on Friday night and danced until 4:00am.

She can do whatever SHE likes, but not do anything that I want or need.

 

She refuses to acknowledge that sex IS a need.

 

HokeyReligions, I cannot thank you enough. I am going to see my doctor for some counselling.

 

She arrived back from her friend's house and because I have brought this issue up as such a major problem in the relationship she is now questioning whether it will ever be right, and indeed if she is happy herself.

 

She now feels insecure that she's only providing a 80% relationship and believes that there's someone else out there who could provide the 100% relationship. She is now saying things along the line of "I'm second best for you". Truth is she'll NEVER be second best - I love her wholeheartedly but I find it so difficult to give 100% when I don't feel it's reciprocated. It definately affects the way that I respond to, and around her.

 

I'm really scared and feel dreadful, I need to find happiness in myself and my relationship and fast.

[MadManMike]

I am going through the exact same thing as you so if you figure it out let me know and I will do likewise.

[MJTig]

Originally posted by Mamaof2

I was just curious if you don't mind, is what is her stand on the children issue. Just curious cause when I wanted another baby and my husband kept telling me no so I told him on sex. I figured at the time that there was no need for sex if I couldn't have another baby. I have heard a lot of women have done that also.

 

Except I got wise and just tricked him into our son. Then he went and got fixed, but hey, I got my two kids. lol.

 

 

Wow. Sorry, but that is just wrong to me- Using sex as a weapon and a way to get what you want instead of dealing with the issue itself. Then tricking him into having another child?

 

I am speechless.

[sundrop]

Don't want to get to nosey, But how is the foreplay on your end?

My sex drive isn't as strong as I would like it to be, but when my boyfriend rubs on me and plays with my hair and actually spends time making me feel beutiful than I am at his beck and call and can have sex with him all night and I too have a back condition that makes some positions painful.

But we have had long talks about what turns me on, and now he knows and he can push my buttons in a sec.

 

Talk to her and see if you can get her to open up.

[RecordProducer]

She loves you as a friend or room mate? What kind of love is that when you have no physical affection and passion? It's not the romantic or passionate type of love. You could be two girls or two guys living together. Actually if you had a female room mate, chances are you would have more sex with her than with your wife.

 

You are deprived from the best part of love. The only part that distinguishes love of a man and woman from any other type of love. She even lets you sleep with other women. Is that love? I am sure she is a great person and loves you, but what I am saying is that you need a different kind of person and love. You practically feel abandoned by her.

 

Her frigidity could perhaps be cures. But if doctors and sex therapists can't help you,. I wouldn't feel guilty to get divorced over this if I were you.

[MadManMike]

according to most if not all marrige contracts, a lack of sex for one year or more is grounds for divorce because it is considered a form of abandonment.

[z1rmp]

Foreplay? - I can't get NEAR to her.

When she's aching, Ill give her as loving massage all over with oil/balm.

I'll be as horny as hell, and when I try to do something more than that I just get "oi - stoppit".

and that's it.

 

She shown NO emotion at all - she's hard as nails.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by z1rmp

Foreplay? - I can't get NEAR to her.

When she's aching, Ill give her as loving massage all over with oil/balm.

I'll be as horny as hell, and when I try to do something more than that I just get "oi - stoppit".

and that's it.

 

She shown NO emotion at all - she's hard as nails.

 

uhmm.... dude, I don't mean to be blunt, but have ya thought that it might possible that...

1. She is a lesbo or bi?

2. She is having an affair?

3. both of the above?

It might not be stretching the imagination if you consider the fact that she goes dancing on a Friday night till 4am? And she runs off to her friend's house at the first sign of trouble. I dunno, but it's hard to imagine a person who enjoys partying to be frigid in bed. Just my thoughts...

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by elijahBailey

It might not be stretching the imagination if you consider the fact that she goes dancing on a Friday night till 4am? And she runs off to her friend's house at the first sign of trouble. I dunno, but it's hard to imagine a person who enjoys partying to be frigid in bed. Just my thoughts...

 

I absolutely agree! Heddonism goes hand in hand with sex drive. Especially if she consumes alcohol.

I could imagine myself being married to a woman and not being interested in sex with her.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by z1rmp

Like I said. She does have a hip condition that means sex is uncomfortable.

However, my argument - she went out with work on Friday night and danced until 4:00am.

She can do whatever SHE likes, but not do anything that I want or need.

 

She refuses to acknowledge that sex IS a need.

 

I'm no expert, but I highly suspect that the issues you two have are far deeper than sex itself. Perhaps the issues are her and they manifest themselves in her lack of sex drive or deisre for intimacy with you. Physical problems can come from emotional/mental problems, which lead to more emotional/mental problems and/or a reinforcement of undiagnosed emotional problems.

 

She may be questioning herself and her ability to give you 100% because she is afraid of there being some deep seated emotional issues. There is no guarantee that even with counseling those issues can be discovered and resolved to your mutual satisfaction - but if you both try you may be able to reach a point where separation can be achieved so that you don't carry forward the issues to your future relationships. That's a hard thing to learn and I went through something like that too with my husband. I was terrified that a therapist would finally say "its not going to work together, lets work on easing your separation" and I cried more and felt horrible for a long time. I even felt like therapy was wrong and doing more damage because I had adjusted somewhat to the routine of no intimacy and long showers where I would cry by myself and feeling alone and the pain of discovery seemed worse. Looking back I can see how it was helpful and sometimes we have to go through more intense pain to get through the problem. Sometimes though, I think it would have been just as 'good' to have let go back then and traded one pain for the other.

 

If she is absolutly not willing to put an effort into the marriage and get counseling with you, then get the help yourself and seriously think of ending the marriage. There are times I know my husband still feels really bad about not being there for me 100% and I have to reassure him that I chose what he could give me because it's more important to me than what he can't give me. I don't dwell on what he can't give me anymore, though I used to do just that.

 

I have reached a point where I am 100% satisfied with what he does give me and that means that he gives me 100%. But that was MY choice and ability to accept from him what he gave as 100%. I'm not sure if that makes much sense.

 

Willingness to extend herself for you is important and that is where it sounds like the problem is stemming from. She is not willing to give you 100% of her emotions or trust; or do something that may frighten her in order to help you. I don't mean sex, I mean counseling.

[Topper]

There have been a lot of wise words here. Deep down inside you know if there is any real hope fora future with this woman. My ex wife was much like your wife. of 45 loss their sex drive. I was married for nearly 20 years. I would say that 10 of those years were almost completely sexless. I blamed myself (I wasn't a good lover) I didn't make a great living or any number of things. Great many woman loss their sex drive I think I read about 30% will at sometime in their life loss all interest in sex. Most can recover some drive with Counseling and maybe some medical help. Even those with a low sex drive can still be sexual for their partners. If intercourse is a problem there is always oral sex or mutual masturbation. I think your wife just wants out of the relationship Maybe she is afraid to face her own fears. Truth is if she loved you then she would be willing to deal with this problem. You need to takea long hard look at your relationship. You need to do what is best for you. Since my divorce 2 years a go I have had to lovers both were very satisfied. I am still good friends with one of the woman. and I have regained a lot of my self esteem as a man. I hope someday to be in a good loving long term relationship. I hope you can work this out. Remember love isa two way street . Your wife for whatever reason is being selfish. There are plenty of good woman out there That want a real relationship.