Do I leave her because of no sex?

[wanting to heal]

My missing need was not really sex, but intimacy. I never got it, she never put me first. MC did not really help, lots of talks did not help. Her ONS did not help either!

 

You sound like me years ago. It just got worse.

 

You wife is missing something within herself. It is likely not money, time, sex, friendship or companionship from you. I tried it all, and none of it worked.

 

I filed for divorce two weeks ago. It is not easy, but I now know that I have a chance to really be happy. I was married 23 yrs.

 

Get out.

[reader]

Wait a minute!

 

She went dancing? There is something wrong with this picture.

 

With all due respect to the previous writers, there is no way I am going to spend the rest of my life with no sex. Sorry. I'm not crass, don't fool around, but sex between two consenting adults is one of the best things about living.

 

I'm married and wouldn't dream of hurting my husband. If he had a medical condition he could do nothing about, we'd find another way. Other than that, no way!

 

Get counseling for you. Take your time. I know it doesn't seem important to a lot of people but it is for you, and that is what matters.

 

Good luck.

[lilmoma1973]

 

If she had a hip replacement then how can she dance till dawn and not have sex cause it is uncomfortable for her.... Do you go with her to these clubs? Is it possible it is someone else? Are you giving her what she is needing emotionally to want to have sex with you? Itimacy begins outside the bedroom and well as in the bedroom...Are you taking her for granted and not being respectful and appreciated.. Women crave this attention the hugs and kisses the compliments !!! A relationship is a give and take not a a take and take !! I'm in this current situation with my h and he is slowly learning that sex isn't all that matters in a relationship !!! Good luck

[slubberdegullion]

It seems that she doesn't understand that by sexually rejecting him she's rejecting him as a person and a man. It's no different than if a man says to his wife, "gawd, you're fat and ugly and I don't want to be with you anymore."

[z1rmp]

Anyone reading this thread hear me out...

I am now separated after starting this thread.

Turns out my ex was bisexual - hence never interested in sex with me - a loving man.

She is now seeing a bisexual guy.

It hurt like hell and nearly finished me BUT...

I am now seeing the most beautiful, caring, willing, loving spanish girl you have ever met in your life. Such a contrast from the lack of affection I used to get from Hayley.

At the end of the day, it felt like I was the loser for months and months - I waited for them to pass, it was hell. Only to eventually discover that it wasnt me at fault. And somebody else adores me for what I am, what I was to that girl, H. C.. Anyone in this situation just remember - a broken heart is for christmas or whenever - it's NOT for life. Try to make things better but if it's never going to work - quit trying , let go in the knowledge that it will take time, it will hurt but ultimately you'll be better off.

 

Id like to thank everyone on here for advice when I most needed it.

 

If I can do the same please contact me.

 

Rob.

[bunset]

<snip>

At the end of the day, it felt like I was the loser for months and months - I waited for them to pass, it was hell. Only to eventually discover that it wasnt me at fault. And somebody else adores me for what I am, what I was to that girl Hayley Cayton. Anyone in this situation just remember - a broken heart is for christmas or whenever - it's NOT for life. Try to make things better but if it's never going to work - quit trying , let go in the knowledge that it will take time, it will hurt but ultimately you'll be better off.

 

Id like to thank everyone on here for advice when I most needed it.

 

If I can do the same please contact me.

 

Rob.

 

Very good advice...

letting go will be very difficult at first, but when you realize it is the other person's difficulty, and not yours, that you must let go of, it gets a bit easier.

[Lor]

She now feels insecure that she's only providing a 80% relationship and believes that there's someone else out there who could provide the 100% relationship. She is now saying things along the line of "I'm second best for you". Truth is she'll NEVER be second best - I love her wholeheartedly but I find it so difficult to give 100% when I don't feel it's reciprocated.

 

Well, yeah she's feeling second best; you've made sex the main focus of your marriage. She's uncomfortable talking about it because she now feels like she's not a complete woman because she can't satisfy her man. She's asking herself, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I build up any desire? I love this man but I can't make myself interested." She's going to avoid the issue and she's going to start getting mad and frustrated every time you bring it up because she knows there's something wrong, she doesn't know how to fix it, and pretty soon she'll start pulling away. She knows its not you and now she's not doing her job as a wife.

 

Her love for you is probably 100% reciprocated--just not in sex. HELP her, don't keep thinking "I'm not gettin' any." Take care of it yourself while you're in counselling--don't force the issue right now or it will severely damage your relationship. Marriage and love are about so much more than just sex. Yes, there are other ways than full sex to satisfy each other but she's already feeling insecure about herself, knowing she's not giving you what you want. Touch her, but let her know its NOT a prelude to sex; give her a backrub, sit on the couch and hold her, hold her hand. Trust me--let her know you're whole relationship is NOT based solely on sex. Let her know you love her more than just physically.

 

Don't let her build up a wall or you may never get it broken down.

 

You are at the beginning stages of what my marriage went thru. I built up the wall, became frigid and am now in the stages of divorce. If you love her enough, HELP her, just don't come on too strong on the issue or she's push away.

[Lor]

whoops, missed the part about her being bi! glad to hear you've moved on and are happy.

[junkopardner]

[COLOR=black]my take it on is this (as I had been through the same thing in my marriage):[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]She's more than likely been sexually molested as a child and has severe problems with sex. If she hasn't, then it's a psychological issue more than likely; I highly doubt that this is a medical condition. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]If she has said things like "I don't know why you always make such a big deal out of sex", or "Sex is not all important; it's not the be all end all" or anything remotely along those lines, you might try replying that if she feels that sex really isn't that big of a deal, then she should have no problem engaging in it, because after all, it's really no big deal, [FONT=Verdana]either way. [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]She's contradicting herself. She's saying sex is no big deal, but she obviously feels that is because she's the one can't engage in sexual activity. If I had to guess I would also bet that she makes you feel like some sex crazed maniac, that's all you really want her for, and that your making way too big of a deal out of it. In short, there's something obviously wrong with you. This is fairly typical. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]After you (very lovingly and carefully watching the tone of your voice) explain to her that if she truly doesn't feel that sex is that big of a deal than she should be able to have it (at least to make you happy and meet your needs) because, after all, it's "no big deal". What's she's saying is that it's no big deal for her to NOT have it, but it is for her to have it. But you have to really, really strongly convey to her that it it's a big deal for you NOT to have it. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Because realistically, what is a married relationship without sex? Not much if you ask me; you're just roommates and maybe friends, but that's hard to do when there's resentment and bitterness because your partner is blatantly disregarding your needs. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]You've heard it since High School from girls you were attracted to and wanted to date, "I like you, but not in THAT way...” Well what the hell does 'THAT' way mean? Of course it means romantically, intimately, and that obviously is highly sexual in nature. When you take THAT way out of a married relationship, it's f***ing dead. Its dead; and not solely because of the non-existent sex life. It's dead because the implication inherent in the lack of sexual interest your partner shows you is a total disregard for your feelings, needs and what you feel is important. It's also dead because if you were just friends or roommates, there would be no expectation of sex because you don't have a sexual relationship so there would be no bitterness or resentment over feeling rejected because your relationship would be platonically defined (and also no romantic love would be involved). [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]On a quick side note, if she ever says (or has said) that you talk too much about it, make too big of a deal about it, that it's all you think about etc., I encourage you to give her the following analogy:[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]You take a intelligent man and starve him for days and days, and then you take him to a nice restaurant with the aroma of great food hanging in the air. You try to engage him in conversations about politics, religion, science, theology, philosophy but all he talks about is food, how hungry is, how good the food smells, how he hopes it doesn't take to long to get their order. So you start yelling rhetorical questions at him like "Is food all you can think about!" [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]As human beings, we have a tendency to talk about what we don't have, what we want and still don't have......we don't talk incessantly about what we do have because, well, we have it. You probably wouldn't hear Bill Gates walking around rambling constantly about how loaded he is; he knows it, and everyone else does too, so what's the point. But you'll constantly hear poor people rambling on about money - more to the point, the lack of it. "How am I gonna get rent AND pay for my car?" Money, money, money. The ramble on and on about it because it's absolutely vital to existence, just like food is for the starving man. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Sex is vital to the health and vitality of any married relationship; without it, you're just roommates, except with bitterness, resentment and hostility piled on top. Her, because she always minimizes it and makes you feel like a sex crazed manic who's constantly pressuring her, and you because she makes you feel like a sexual leper who's not attractive, a sex driven maniac that only cares about a piece of ass, and also just unimportant because you're telling her something you need for your emotional well being, and she's completely ignoring you and through her inaction essentially saying "I don't give a s*** about you and your needs, your fragile emotional and psychological state or anything else; all I care about is NOT having it"[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]I assume that you feel strongly about monogamy and the importance of faithfulness, which means that she's your "sex well" and you just keep pulling up empty bucket after empty bucket. This is what eventually leads to infidelity and subsequently divorce. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]You guys are in some serious, serious trouble and if she doesn't get into some counseling very, very soon this is only going to worse and worse. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]You ever notice how easy it is to carry a 5lb weight about 40 feet? Now imagine carrying it for 40 miles. It just keeps getting heavier and heavier the longer you carry it, and pretty soon you just won't be able to do it. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]And trust me when I say without some serious help this is just going to get exponentially worse. If she refuses therapy, maybe suggesting there's nothing wrong with her, then tell her you take it personal. You take it personal because if there's nothing wrong with her then she's just not sexually attracted to you and that will never work in a relationship. If she says it's not you, it's just that she doesn't see it as that big of deal, then essentially she's saying that it's her, and that's where you let her know that because it IS her, then she's owes to herself, you, and your relationship to seek help because it's hurting you and your relationship, which is also hurting her because she's in the relationship. If you’re not happy, there's no way she could be, and that is the recipe for a relationship headed straight toward the rocks. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Best of luck to you, but I wouldn't let this go; your relationship depends on you persistently standing your ground here. If you back off and it's left up to her, all I see in your future is boxes and Kleenex's, lotion, bitterness, resentment and eventually divorce. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]~J[/COLOR]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[junkopardner]

my take it on is this (as I had been through the same thing in my marriage):

 

She's more than likely been sexually molested as a child and has severe problems with sex. If she hasn't, then it's a psychological issue more than likely (she may even be gay); I highly doubt that this is a medical condition.

 

If she has said things like "I don't know why you always make such a big deal out of sex", or "Sex is not all important; it's not the be all end all" or anything remotely along those lines, you might try replying that if she feels that sex really isn't that big of a deal, then she should have no problem engaging in it, because after all, it's really no big deal, either way.

 

She's contradicting herself. She's saying sex is no big deal, but she obviously feels that is because she's the one can't engage in sexual activity. If I had to guess I would also bet that she makes you feel like some sex crazed maniac, that's all you really want her for, and that your making way too big of a deal out of it. In short, there's something obviously wrong with you. This is fairly typical.

 

After you (very lovingly and carefully watching the tone of your voice) explain to her that if she truly doesn't feel that sex is that big of a deal than she should be able to have it (at least to make you happy and meet your needs) because, after all, it's "no big deal". What's she's saying is that it's no big deal for her to NOT have it, but it is for her to have it. But you have to really, really strongly convey to her that it it's a big deal for you NOT to have it.

 

Because realistically, what is a married relationship without sex? Not much if you ask me; you're just roommates and maybe friends, but that's hard to do when there's resentment and bitterness because your partner is blatantly disregarding your needs.

 

You've heard it since High School from girls you were attracted to and wanted to date, "I like you, but not in THAT way...” Well what the hell does 'THAT' way mean? Of course it means romantically, intimately, and that obviously is highly sexual in nature. When you take THAT way out of a married relationship, it's f***ing dead. Its dead; and not solely because of the non-existent sex life. It's dead because the implication inherent in the lack of sexual interest your partner shows you is a total disregard for your feelings, needs and what you feel is important. It's also dead because if you were just friends or roommates, there would be no expectation of sex because you don't have a sexual relationship so there would be no bitterness or resentment over feeling rejected because your relationship would be platonically defined (and also no romantic love would be involved).

 

On a quick side note, if she ever says (or has said) that you talk too much about it, make too big of a deal about it, that it's all you think about etc., I encourage you to give her the following analogy:

 

You take a intelligent man and starve him for days and days, and then you take him to a nice restaurant with the aroma of great food hanging in the air. You try to engage him in conversations about politics, religion, science, theology, philosophy but all he talks about is food, how hungry is, how good the food smells, how he hopes it doesn't take to long to get their order. So you start yelling rhetorical questions at him like "Is food all you can think about!"

 

As human beings, we have a tendency to talk about what we don't have, what we want and still don't have......we don't talk incessantly about what we do have because, well, we have it. You probably wouldn't hear Bill Gates walking around rambling constantly about how loaded he is; he knows it, and everyone else does too, so what's the point. But you'll constantly hear poor people rambling on about money - more to the point, the lack of it. "How am I gonna get rent AND pay for my car?" Money, money, money. The ramble on and on about it because it's absolutely vital to existence, just like food is for the starving man.

 

Sex is vital to the health and vitality of any married relationship; without it, you're just roommates, except with bitterness, resentment and hostility piled on top. Her, because she always minimizes it and makes you feel like a sex crazed manic who's constantly pressuring her, and you because she makes you feel like a sexual leper who's not attractive, a sex driven maniac that only cares about a piece of ass, and also just unimportant because you're telling her something you need for your emotional well being, and she's completely ignoring you and through her inaction essentially saying "I don't give a s*** about you and your needs, your fragile emotional and psychological state or anything else; all I care about is NOT having it"

 

I assume that you feel strongly about monogamy and the importance of faithfulness, which means that she's your "sex well" and you just keep pulling up empty bucket after empty bucket. This is what eventually leads to infidelity and subsequently divorce.

 

You guys are in some serious, serious trouble and if she doesn't get into some counseling very, very soon this is only going to worse and worse.

 

You ever notice how easy it is to carry a 5lb weight about 40 feet? Now imagine carrying it for 40 miles. It just keeps getting heavier and heavier the longer you carry it, and pretty soon you just won't be able to do it.

 

And trust me when I say without some serious help this is just going to get exponentially worse. If she refuses therapy, maybe suggesting there's nothing wrong with her, then tell her you take it personal. You take it personal because if there's nothing wrong with her then she's just not sexually attracted to you and that will never work in a relationship. If she says it's not you, it's just that she doesn't see it as that big of deal, then essentially she's saying that it's her, and that's where you let her know that because it IS her, then she's owes to herself, you, and your relationship to seek help because it's hurting you and your relationship, which is also hurting her because she's in the relationship. If you’re not happy, there's no way she could be, and that is the recipe for a relationship headed straight toward the rocks.

 

Best of luck to you, but I wouldn't let this go; your relationship depends on you persistently standing your ground here. If you back off and it's left up to her, all I see in your future is boxes and Kleenex's, lotion, bitterness, resentment and eventually divorce.

 

~J

[junkopardner]

this message is completely screwed up and i don't know what happened to it; see the next one.

[REJ9106]

My wife and I have been married over 20 years, but the last three have been totally sexless. Not even any touching unless it is a side hug in the presence of friends to give them the impression that we are loving. She says she loves me, but will not deal with the sex issue at all. She will not go to counseling. She will not consider medication. When I talk about how abandoned I feel because of no sex, there is no reply.

 

She is depressed and overweight and refuses to go to the doctor when she is sick because the doctor will just tell her that she needs to lose weight. She has turned from a wonderful beautiful person into a selfish, self-centered bitch that thinks that only the things SHE wants to do, or eat, or watch on TV is all that matters. Frankly, the only reason I am not leaving her now is that she will take me to the cleaners in a divorce. I did not marry her to have a roommate...I wanted a spouse and a lover. It is as if nothing that I want matters.

 

I am getting so resentful and hurting so much. I don't want her to die, but if that were to happen that would be less painful than what I am going through now. If she keeps refusing to take care of herself, that is what is going to happen anyway.

 

I am at the point now that I only have two choices....leave or accept the fact that my life is going to be loveless and sexless from now on as it has been in the last 3 years. With either option, I am faced with an unbearable sense of pail and loss that never ends.

 

I would pay a woman money just to hug me and give me some human contact!

[dgiirl]

Rej, have you gone to counselling? Just because she wont go, doesnt mean you cannot benefit from it. They can guide you into making things better with your wife. I understand why you feel so hurt and resentful, but just like your wife, you both are focusing too much on your own hurt and not enough on what the other is feeling. You've started to demonize your wife, which I would bet is not 100% true. Just like you, she is hurting and focusing too much on her own pain to realize the pain she's inflicting on others. That's not to say you have to keep living this way. But you do have one more choice, and that is to start seeking help. A therapist can help you communicate better with your wife.

[rej9106]

Rej, have you gone to counselling? Just because she wont go, doesnt mean you cannot benefit from it. They can guide you into making things better with your wife. I understand why you feel so hurt and resentful, but just like your wife, you both are focusing too much on your own hurt and not enough on what the other is feeling. You've started to demonize your wife, which I would bet is not 100% true. Just like you, she is hurting and focusing too much on her own pain to realize the pain she's inflicting on others. That's not to say you have to keep living this way. But you do have one more choice, and that is to start seeking help. A therapist can help you communicate better with your wife.

 

I have been in therapy several times over this. Several different therapists. One thing they all agree on is that she must participate in the solution if anything is going to improve. In the therapy sessions they have all suggested that I set up romantic get aways, do nice things for her, actually try courting her...I have tried them all. We go out and have a good time. We go away for a few days. I do more things for her around the house. The only thing that changes is that she then expects me to do more of it and we still have no sex. I end up feeling used and taken advantage of.

 

She really is a good person. If we were just friends, the relationship we have is wonderful. I am not willing to give up sex for the rest of my life though and it is wrong of her to expect me to.

 

I really let her have it this morning. I told her I loved her very much but this no sex thing has to stop. I cannot live that way. She said the act makes her uncomfortable and she is not going to do it. I replied then go with me to counseling. It is fixable. She just clammed up and turned her back on me. Then I told her that if I wanted to divorce her over it I would have done it a long time ago. It has been over three years since we have had sex and that her unwillingness to work on the problem in divorce court is called abandonment. I again restated that I do not want it to come to that, but if she continues to act that way it is going to happen. All she could say in reply is that I sure know how to ruin a nice day.

 

For now, I am going to look for a friend with benefits. I think I have been patient enough doing without physical intimacy for 3 years. I cannot take it anymore.

[z1rmp]

Rej,

I started this thread over a year ago.

My feelings on this are very clear now.

Get out because it wont get any better.

Sounds like you're doing all the running buddy.

You'll get over it, believe me. Hurts like hell, but you'll be happier within 12 months, trust me. What youre going through it torture, and unless youve been there, youll never understand. GET OUT. Youll just have your ego battered and feel worthless as a person. It will mess you up - I ended up having therapy to get my head straight for months. Dont let it ruin you, move on find someone else. They are out there.

 

Good luck.

 

Rob.

[ddw5195]

Hi, to answer your question,NO..NO..NO..NO..NO!! I cant give you much information cause my marrage is in the pots but to just let you in on a seceret. I have a best friend that was raped in the past when she was a young teen.(13) we have been best friends over 20 years. she has had sex with the men she has been with with and the ones she has loved dearly. Does she like sex no. why, because for one it is in the back of her mind that it is nasty. not good nasty but feeling like she is in the same age of 13 and its is not appealing to her. A BIG THING FOR HER ASWELL!!! out of all the guys she has dated and the one she is curently dating she has never, I mean never had an org. she is not one to sleep around with just everybody but has had sex with her guyfriends she has dated. she will tell you she has been in evry position and is not afraid to do the crazy insane things but she too had the very same problem and which ended her marrage. it is not you!!! you need to get to the root of the problem and find out her past and if she loves you enough then she will tell you. and if she dont it is not cause she dont love you it is because she is ashamed of what happened and already has locked it away because it makes her feel nasty and unclean and does not want you if she was to tell you that she is unclean. take more time with her and make sure her needs are meet and spice it up. you said yourself when you crawl into bed and you see her it is bong time. shhhheesehhhh, put a little foreplay in it!! call her at work or home and tell her little things sweet but naughty send her flowers do something instead of just jumping in bed and going right to it. you dont have to have a bad sex life and it does not have to cost money to spice it up. put effort into it and if it is still that she is unwilling to have sex then ask her to go to some counseling cause sex therpy is working for my girlfriend. she says she just cares less if she has it or not cause she has never had an org. go buy some toys and spice it up, buy some cuffs etc... really before you do all this you must ask her to be honest and ask if it is from the past do some digging if you love her and ask to go to marrage counseling for marrage and sex. when you love someone dont let it slip away just because you are giving into you phiscyal needs. rember you love her for better or for worse and I know where you are comming from I have not been with mine for almost a year. and if I get it on holidays I am lucky. he has the problem not me. you can reed my post. it is just need to talk..... I am lost. hope I helped!!!

[reddog63]

Well, yeah she's feeling second best; you've made sex the main focus of your marriage. She's uncomfortable talking about it because she now feels like she's not a complete woman because she can't satisfy her man. She's asking herself, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I build up any desire? I love this man but I can't make myself interested." She's going to avoid the issue and she's going to start getting mad and frustrated every time you bring it up because she knows there's something wrong, she doesn't know how to fix it, and pretty soon she'll start pulling away. She knows its not you and now she's not doing her job as a wife.

 

Her love for you is probably 100% reciprocated--just not in sex. HELP her, don't keep thinking "I'm not gettin' any." Take care of it yourself while you're in counselling--don't force the issue right now or it will severely damage your relationship. Marriage and love are about so much more than just sex. Yes, there are other ways than full sex to satisfy each other but she's already feeling insecure about herself, knowing she's not giving you what you want. Touch her, but let her know its NOT a prelude to sex; give her a backrub, sit on the couch and hold her, hold her hand. Trust me--let her know you're whole relationship is NOT based solely on sex. Let her know you love her more than just physically.

 

Don't let her build up a wall or you may never get it broken down.

 

You are at the beginning stages of what my marriage went thru. I built up the wall, became frigid and am now in the stages of divorce. If you love her enough, HELP her, just don't come on too strong on the issue or she's push away.

 

 

These type posts are such B_ll****! You are crazy lady! Something that is so obvious her fault and yet you find somehow to turn it back on the guy.................bs bs bs bs.........give her a back rub? How about a kick in the ass as she is walking out the door.........which lucky for him she is gone ....

[Gunny376]

What's your problem? Lor was just calling it like she saw it? And, before you start, I'm quick to call women on their BS that they can do no wrong and men can do no right!

 

If you opened up that closed mind of yours, and close your mouth ~ you might learn someting there Slick! Like how to approach a woman, treat a woman, be sensetive to a woman's wants and needs, and treat them like a human being instead of vaginal life support system or a sperm depository.

 

Luckly for guys like you, they're still making Baby Oil and producing Porn DVD's!

[JamesM]

And since the OP has solved his problem, this thread is taking on a life of its own.

 

Since I was there too in a marriage that had very little to no sex...and pity sex at that...for about four years (she says closer to eight..see I can be fooled), quitting can mean you may lose out on the greatest pleasure yet to come. She said she had no feelings for me. She blamed it on every thing, but none of those were the real reasons.

 

My wife had a thyroid problem...even though her tests showed normal thyroid levels. Through some research on my part and ALOT of help from this Board and another, I suggested a website that gave her a new medicine that not only gave her her libido back, but it also made her feel better than she had in over eight years.

 

If I had quit my marriage, then she would still be in pain. And who knows, the next guy would have figured out her problem. But no, she is very grateful to me for trying to solve her libido problem and loving her enough not to quit her during her lowest times in her life.

 

Look at all angles. A simple solution may be staring you in the face.

[Spydee]

I know I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I went through the same thing. We never had a great sex life and since the day we were married, it went from once every 2 weeks or so to 6 weeks and sometimes 3 months. I felt rejected, fat, torn apart, and it hurt me so much that the person I married didn't want me. Our fights about it grew to be less only because I got tired of it. We'd fight, make up, and MAYBE have sex....

 

So fast forward, there was a guy at work who I found attractive, and we started flirting and the feelings of being wanted overwhelmed me. I am only human....

So I told my husband about it, and he got pissed off, threw a chair against the wall and broke it, made it out to be my fault. I know he had a right to be mad because his wife was attracted to someone else...but as the days went by, I grew angry about how he made it my fault, when all I did was want some affection. He didn't need an erection to make love... you know what I mean, but he didn't want to use anything else either. I had suggested therapy a year before, but he didn't want to.

 

Fast forward again, I couldn't take my mind off the guy at work and coming home to a man who didn't want me sexually made me sick to my stomache. I told my husband that I had to go, not sure when I'd be home.... 2 weeks later I asked for a divorce and then he made me to go therapy, I agreed, but it was already too late. I didn't want to work on it anymore, I fell out of love. I know some people say that you have to choose to be in love, but I just couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I used to cry myself to sleep and sometimes I'd wait for him to go to sleep, run into the bathroom and cry some more. I don't expect everyone to understand.

 

Present day: The guy at work and I are in love now. I haven't felt this way in over 10 years. I know it was fast, but I think during the hard times at the end, I detached myself. I look back now and see that even though I married him, I could never love him like I love the new guy. There were more reasons other the few sex sessions we have... I could go on for days, but the main reason was sex. I have some friends who say they could have gone months without sex too, so I really don't expect them to understand. For me, sex is a closeness and a communication that your spouse and you share... I don't see love lasting without it, unless you both can live without it.

 

I remember in therapy my husband said "I never thought she would leave in a million years!" And to me, that told me that he would have taken it for granted for a million years. And before people start telling me that he might have had health issues, I asked him to see a doctor, but he didn't see it as a priority and when I told him that as long as he tried, he didn't take advantage of that offer. Did I try lingerie? Yes, and he said he was hungry. Did I try not to be so aggressive, yes and he wanted to go watch Star Trek. So yeah, I gave up and yes, I still feel guilty thinking about how he is alone and sad without me, but I can't go back to him because I pity him. I am still having a hard time beleving that I have a right to be happy, just as he had a right to be angry that I left him.