cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 I've had a crush on him for years. He's engaged. Last week he sent me a pic of him in his underwear. I handled it badly, then apologized. I secretly want to see more. Should i leave things as they are - awkward a.f. - or risk getting into something dangerous that might actually work out? How do I talk to him about this so we can at least go back to being friends? Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 How do I talk to him about this so we can at least go back to being friends? "Hey, you're engaged to be married. No more underwear pics please. What do you think of the broncos losing?..." Set him straight or bear at least partial responsibility for his idiocy. Also, what's the context of his underwear pic. "Hey, I got abs for my wedding!" or "I'm so good looking, don't you want me?" Or did you ask for the pic? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 here's the thing: he created a private account i subbed to, which in hindsight should have indicated to me where he was going with his posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 but he also sent me a pic from his regular account by direct message Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 the thing is, i really care for him. i adjusted to the situation of unrequited lust by thinking of him as a kind of brother. that's why when i got the pics i reacted other than i would have liked. i was responding as a shocked sister, when i would have liked to have responded in kind! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 You are begging for him to hurt you. He is in love with another woman who he has asked to marry him. You are willing to lower yourself just to have sex with him knowing he doesn't want you. Why play games with him that you were appalled by it when you admit you want to see more? He knows exactly what he is doing (getting some strange before he marries) but it is apparent that you don't know what you are doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted September 13, 2017 Share Posted September 13, 2017 I secretly want to see more. Yeah, I know. I'm like that with an ex-girlfriend. Fortunately for me, I know our personalities won't work in the long-term. But, she's so hot! Ugh. Should i leave things as they are - awkward a.f. -Yes. or risk getting into something dangerous that might actually work out?No. How do I talk to him about this so we can at least go back to being friends?Well, you could say, "I like you. Do not send me any more pictures without your fiancée in them. You are not single, and I am not going to interfere in someone else's relationship, or live with someone's left overs. We've been friends, and I'd like to be friends. If you can't be above board with our friendship, then it's best I don't speak to you or your fiancée. Don't hurry to reply, but let me know sometime how things are going in your engagement and your life. Your friend, cope ascetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 Yeah on the one hand i think he's getting cold feet as the wedding nears. But as a friend i should be the one to tell him to work his **** out instead of acting out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 13, 2017 Author Share Posted September 13, 2017 But on the other hand, I could ask him if they are going to have an open relationship. I wouldnt' mind that! Link to post Share on other sites
NexttP Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 OP, don't be that person, please. Respect his decision of choosing her over you and wish him the best, that's the least you can do. If he actually loved you, he'd have proposed to you instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 He probably just wants a threesome. Time to hoe the ***c up OP. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 His being engaged is a big deal but let's forget about that for a second and talk about him sending a picture of himself in his underwear. Being sent dick pics or partially nude pics does not equal romance, at least not in my mind. It's amazing to me how many women post on these boards all twisted up and hurting over guys who never even properly pursued or courted them. They start talking to a guy which leads into some sort of sexual behaviour like sexting, then they hook up and start having sex and then the woman declares herself in love with the guy and is in agony wondering if he loves her too. Meanwhile said guy has never even taken her out on a date. Maybe I'm old fashioned but my experience has been that when a guy really likes a girl and has romantic interest in her, he asks her out on a date, he shows interest in getting to know her, he wants to know what she likes, what her background is. He notices her qualities and gives her genuine compliments (not "nice ass"). He wants to impress her and he wants her to feel the same about him. He doesn't lead with a picture of himself in his underwear. Now maybe you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him. You said you have lust for him so perhaps you are only interested in him for sexual purposes. However since you also have a crush on him it is highly likely that you will develop feelings for him but he most likely will not develop feelings for you, because he doesn't see you that way. If he did he would not have been so crass as to send underwear pics to you. Guys are perfectly capable of having sex over and over again with the same woman and never fall in love with her. You know he is engaged and he knows you know that too. His pic was an offer to have sex with him. If you respond positively to that then you are essentially telling him you are all good with having a sex only relationship. That you accept being his hidden other woman and that you accept getting crumbs and left overs. Is that really the message you want to send? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 (edited) No, really. He just wants to see if he can get some side trash before he goes down for the big dirty. Women seem to want to romanize this **** up, but .........LOL!!!! Edited September 15, 2017 by Imported Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 You're probably one of a harem he has on a string for an ego boost. I know a guy who has been doing this all the time I've known him - 10 years now - a work colleague who started out as a friend or so I thought. He started to try this with me not long after I met him - and yeah, he sent me a pic of himself in his pants too! Lol! Took me a while to get rid of him, he'd text me out of work, send work emails with kisses plastered all over them, he still tries occasionally now too. I know he's had a harem of women at work (he probably has some outside of work too) who he consistently flirts hard with back then and still to this day. He got married this year and was still flirting with 3 of them (who have all confided in me) whilst he was on honeymoon and since his return. He has no boundaries and won't stop even when any of these women are in relationships, neither do they though. Nothing sexual has happened with any of them, they are all hanging on a string just for his ego purposes. He invites them out for lunch one on one on days he knows he won't be in the office. I knew on a recent Tuesday he wasn't going to be in the Friday but he had a lunch booked with one of them on the Friday and checked in with her on Thursday all was set for the Friday. She got stood up, totally unaware he knew he wasn't going to be there. I've tried telling a few of these ladies what he is doing - a couple of them were completely unaware, and their jaws hit the deck when I told them and dropped him but the others insist he is into them only. OP, stick with it if you want to but all he is doing is wasting your time for his own ego boost because he is insecure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 He knows exactly what he is doing. You also know exactly what he is doing. He knows what he wants. You know what you want. He knows his current and future plans, so do you. What's the question again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 So I guess I handled it right the first time after all. I told him how important he is to me. I hope what i said at least gave him pause so he thinks twice before doing this with other women. I don't think men realize they are lowering their own standards of conduct when they do this, disrespecting themselves. I hope he's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 So I guess I handled it right the first time after all. Did you totally ignore him first time around? If so, yes, that was the right way to handle this. I told him how important he is to me. If this was before the pants pic then you can summarise that you saying this meant diddly squat to him. I hope what i said at least gave him pause so he thinks twice before doing this with other women. Hmm, nope. I very much doubt it. I don't think men realize they are lowering their own standards of conduct when they do this, disrespecting themselves. This is all skewed. You are lowering your standards and the only person he respects is himself, not you, not any other women he is up to this with, not his fiancée, not her family, nor his family, none of their friends..... I hope he's okay. Why would you care? He is a douchebag and you shouldn't give him a first nor second thought. I hope you are OK, I believe anyone is of more value than a pants pic, the question is, why don't you think you are worth more than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 @GemmaUK: Well it's possible his fiance knows what he's up to. I don't see the problem if everyone is a consenting adult. I would like to have a long, meaningful relationship, but i'm not opposed to polyamory. There's something to be said for being the one in the relationship that doesn't have to deal with all the emotional baggage. He's actually not a douchebag. He has a tendency to self-sabotage and i think he may be signalling he needs help. After all, it's not an uncommon way for people to try to resolve their problems. My self-respect is intact, otherwise i wouldn't have been so baffled by his coming at me like that. I honestly think i may be the person he's seeking out to set him straight on his behavior, given what he knows about me. But thanks anyway Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 How many poly dates have you been on with him? I'm guessing his fiancée is into this and knows what is going on. Have you met a few times? It's just that I know a bit about poly relationships and they usually begin with consent and meeting all parties pretty quickly, not with pants pics. What confuses me now though is the title of your thread... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 I don't know if he and his fiance have agreed that he can do this, so obviously i haven't been on a poly date with them. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 I don't know if he and his fiance have agreed that he can do this, so obviously i haven't been on a poly date with them. So why are you so confident all will be OK? Are you sure he is interested in you and not just sending you picks of himself in his pants? It just doesn't provoke great expectations for me if a man does that. Engaged or not. Does it for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 If I was sure everything was going to be ok, i wouldn't have posted this thread. I would like to know how to proceed from this being an awkward situation between us after he did this strange thing. Somehow that seems to have gotten lost in all the judging that's going on in the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Hahaha, I can be pretty dang obtuse, but even I have the sensibility that if I were to send someone a photo of me in my drawers, I would know exactly what my angle was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cope ascetic Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 He's not a simple person, and i think there's more to it than that, but i guess i should ask him if i want to know. you folks haven't been any help at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts