Are Relationships Complicated?

[Logo]

My ex left me bitter. The entire relationship left me bitter. How could I possibly not be when she became unstable and unpredictable just a few months into the relationship?

 

 

 

And when I found out about the cheating I was already livid about a list of issues, her aggressive behavior, her controlling demeanor, her offensive comments. Sure, it came as a surprise, but it didn't shock me. By then I had realized she wasn't the vulnerable, misguided, gentle woman I had first come to know. By then she had already shown herself to be a narcissist, a pathological liar and a manipulator. A grand master of a manipulator. The monster that hid underneath that facade of innocence and victimhood was revealed.

 

 

And it was a completely different person than the person I first met.

[basil67]

A good relationship is not complicated.

 

You say that after a few months, your ex showed unstable and unpredictable behaviour. How much longer did you stay with her after she began to show her true colours?

[smackie9]

If I recall, you were trying to rescue her, and I told you how dysfunctional and unhealthy that is to start a relationship. That's why it got complicated.

 

Good healthy relationships start with emotionally stable, happy people....then there is nothing to be complicated about. Make better choices.

[Gaeta]

You broke up from that ex about a year ago, why so much bitterness still?

[The Urbanyst]

People don't change in relationships. They just hide who they really are until they feel safe enough to show their true colors lol.

[preraph]

It takes a lot longer to get to know all sides of a person then I think most people realize. And then also sometimes someone can be fine when you first meet them and maybe they have a middle illness onset when they reach a certain age. I'm sorry it's been such a mess for you. It sounds like there's nothing for it but to get away from it.

[central]

A relationship need not be complicated, BUT for this to be true, the people in it must have mastered some complex and difficult skills in order to keep it functioning happily.

[Blanco]

My ex left me bitter. The entire relationship left me bitter. How could I possibly not be when she became unstable and unpredictable just a few months into the relationship?

 

It's definitely possible. What you're saying is that one woman, one relationship has left you bitter about relationships as a whole. That's like eating a bad piece of fruit and deciding that all fruit is to be avoided.

[Logo]

You broke up from that ex about a year ago, why so much bitterness still?

 

 

 

I ask myself the same question sometimes.

 

 

I think it's because I'm upset about the way things turned out, the way she pretended to be someone she wasn't, and frustrated due to the realization of how difficult it is to find a good match.

[Logo]

People don't change in relationships. They just hide who they really are until they feel safe enough to show their true colors lol.

 

 

 

Yes. That's what happened.

[Gaeta]

I ask myself the same question sometimes.

 

I think it's because I'm upset about the way things turned out, the way she pretended to be someone she wasn't, and frustrated due to the realization of how difficult it is to find a good match.

 

In there somewhere are you mad at yourself for closing your eyes on red-flags when they started showing?

[d0nnivain]

You need to just let go of the bitterness. I know that sounds simultaneously so simpleminded & yet so difficult but it's the best thing.

 

 

She was flawed. Because of her flaws -- whatever issues she brought to the relationship which you didn't cause -- she hurt you. On some level it might not have even been her fault, in that she didn't sit there thinking up ways to intentionally hurt you.

 

 

Think about all of the peace you have regained since the split. Think about the knowledge you have gained on how to vet a partner & knowing when / how to walk away when you see red flags. Know you will use those skills in your next relationship. See the bright future ahead of you by ditching all the heavy baggage from the past.

[Logo]

A good relationship is not complicated.

 

You say that after a few months, your ex showed unstable and unpredictable behaviour. How much longer did you stay with her after she began to show her true colours?

 

 

 

About four to five months. Things got worse over time, but at first I thought it was this or that, then she rationalized things and I believed her, then it was this and that and I thought "It's just temporary. This, too will pass" and so on and so forth. I stayed in the relationship too long. I had a tendency to try and make things work. That's why now I bail at the first sign of trouble after the first date.

[Logo]

In there somewhere are you mad at yourself for closing your eyes on red-flags when they started showing?

 

 

 

Yes. I'm partially mad that I put up with it because I was emotionally invested. It felt as though I had come so far, maybe there's a way to fix, I thought, or maybe it's just a phase.

[Logo]

You need to just let go of the bitterness. I know that sounds simultaneously so simpleminded & yet so difficult but it's the best thing.

 

 

She was flawed. Because of her flaws -- whatever issues she brought to the relationship which you didn't cause -- she hurt you. On some level it might not have even been her fault, in that she didn't sit there thinking up ways to intentionally hurt you.

 

 

Think about all of the peace you have regained since the split. Think about the knowledge you have gained on how to vet a partner & knowing when / how to walk away when you see red flags. Know you will use those skills in your next relationship. See the bright future ahead of you by ditching all the heavy baggage from the past.

 

I keep reminding myself of that. But sometimes these thoughts blindside me and I find myself thinking about it when I shouldn't be.

[Logo]

On some level it might not have even been her fault, in that she didn't sit there thinking up ways to intentionally hurt you.

 

 

 

She did. She thought of ways to punish me indirectly and that was her revenge. I'm sure she felt satisfied afterward. It gave her the feeling of wielding power and control. And she needed to feel that way because she was insecure and a narcissist.

Edited September 13, 2017 by Logo

[Steve51]

Let's see. My ex fiancé of 5 years cheated on me when I was in combat, a few months before the wedding. We had deposits on everything. Then the live in girlfriend asked my three visiting friends to gang bang her. I kicked her out the next day. Hey, why shouldn't my friends not have fun first.

 

I was sour, not on relationships, since I have always had a woman in my life since I was 11, but on monogamy and a marriage structure that has a 50/50 coin toss chance of making it. My wife and I ended up in a poly triad with her best friend. Both women are bisexual and our girlfriend got married halfway through her 30 year relationship with us and split her time between us and her husband. So if you want to talk complicated relationships and the women in them, I know a thing or two.

 

First off, dating is the time you have to date different women and find out what and who you like. Expect to get a few lemons. It comes with the territory. My first girlfriend was when I was 6 years old. At the age of 11 I had two girlfriends walk me to school and make out with me afterwards. Got in trouble for that. Dating is your pre-game warmup. You learn how to construct and handle relationships. Some will be good and others will be with cheating liars who are bipolar and addicted to drugs. Use this time wisely and get out of relationships that do not feel right, as soon as you can. Most guys will hang around due to the frequent sex. I did that and it was a big mistake.

 

You will know when it is right. I met my wife on a train and were engaged 3 weeks later. Despite our lifestyle, we never even had an argument with our girlfriend during our 45 year marriage. All of our friends and siblings have divorced trying to live by what they were taught to believe. So find the right person and live your relationship the way you want to. I am not suggesting a poly relationship as they are much more difficult to manage, just that you should date until you find a woman you want to spend your life with and not one who is giving you regular sex or seems off in some way.

[Logo]

Use this time wisely and get out of relationships that do not feel right, as soon as you can. Most guys will hang around due to the frequent sex. I did that and it was a big mistake.

 

You will know when it is right. I met my wife on a train and were engaged 3 weeks later.

 

I have been in plenty of relationships in the past, but none came close to the level of manipulation that this did, let alone the cheating.

 

And as strange as it sounds, I didn't stick around for the sex. I couldn't care less about the sex to be honest. Sure, it was nice, but that wasn't the main reason. What made me stick around was the feeling of calm and peace that overcame me whenever I was with her. I felt happy, I was on cloud nine. She had a way of making all my troubles and worries melt away. For the most part, the relationship was okay with a few bumps along the way. But, I felt that we got over those bumps and moved on every time. That's why I stayed. The pros outweighed the cons.

 

Things only got really bad later on. And that was when I should have walked away.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to look back and say, "Yeah, I should have bailed earlier". But things didn't really come to ahead until much later. So now, I look at the relationship as a whole and think of all the red flags that I overlooked or rationalized and I get upset about that.

 

 

I have great memories from the relationship. Some very special ones, even. But I now look at it as a lesson, an opportunity to grow. And it wasn't all bad as I had originally described it, it's just that, well, as the saying goes, all's well that ends well. The entire relationship, the good memories, were all tainted by the realization of who she really was and the way things turned out. Well, this one didn't end well. So it left a bad taste in my mouth to say the least.

Edited September 13, 2017 by Logo