Head spinning

[LW1976]

Have I done the right thing?

 

Been married 18 years, four kids. Over the last year my wife has thrown herself into a sport, 3 nights a week and both days at the weekend she is gone for 4-6 hours at a time. The other two nights she may go for walks or to see a female friend. Spending a lot of money on herself and putting herself first with every decision.

 

She has started drinking on nights out with other women when she's been tee-total since we got married. Recently she announced she was going to start going out with a young single bunch of girls 10-15 years younger than her. She didn't go but the fact she wanted to left me wondering what the hell is going on in her mind.

 

I've had enough, when I challenge her she accuses me of controlling her. Today I've left, writing this from a hotel.

 

Am I over-reacting? Have I done the right thing?

[somuchfortheone]

Have I done the right thing?

 

Been married 18 years, four kids. Over the last year my wife has thrown herself into a sport, 3 nights a week and both days at the weekend she is gone for 4-6 hours at a time. The other two nights she may go for walks or to see a female friend. Spending a lot of money on herself and putting herself first with every decision.

 

She has started drinking on nights out with other women when she's been tee-total since we got married. Recently she announced she was going to start going out with a young single bunch of girls 10-15 years younger than her. She didn't go but the fact she wanted to left me wondering what the hell is going on in her mind.

 

I've had enough, when I challenge her she accuses me of controlling her. Today I've left, writing this from a hotel.

 

Am I over-reacting? Have I done the right thing?

 

 

That sounds like an awful lot of alone time... I would check

Phone records... sounds like an affair to me (I hope I'm wrong).

[PegNosePete]

I agree, it definitely sounds like she is having an affair.

 

You should get back in the house, though. See a lawyer and file for divorce.

[somanymistakes]

Could be an affair. Could be she's sick to death of spending time with you. Either way, it doesn't sound like your marriage is in a healthy place.

 

And if your reaction to her choices has been to "challenge" and yell and scream at her rather than to talk with her and find out why she's doing these things, sounds like the wedge driven between you has gotten pretty big. Whether she's cheating or not, your communication and your bond is broken.

 

With so little information I can't say if just walking out at this point is the "right thing" or not, as it sounds like you two should have tried talking to each other long before this. But it feels like she doesn't want to be with you anymore, so making that formal seems reasonable.

[kgcolonel]

To me, this is clearly a case for MC. She's not hearing you and if according to our thread title, you're checking out of the M as well....why not give MC a chance even if it is only to both give her a "this is serious" notice and to help navigate the separation and divorce....

[phyllos]

Agree with somanymistakes. Seems like you guys have had something going on for quite some time and one or both of you is looking for a reason to get out.

 

As far as marriage counseling goes, I've never been big on it. If two people can't communicate about their own relationship which no one knows better about than they do, then a third party isn't going to do anything but pull out even more issues for those two people to harp on or resent each other for. Take it from someone who's done counseling at least a few times. Such a waste of time and money in my opinion. It never seems to resolve anything in the long run. I've seen it help other people short term, but people can't inherently change who they are or what they want and need long term. If you think it will help you, then suggest it to her. But it really seems like you both are wanting out & if that's the case, don't take the long road, take the short one.

 

If you want to try and save the marriage, then you're going to need to change something permanently about how you two interact. That can be a tall order, but it can be done if both parties are willing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi LW, so what is happening now? You said you moved out. What happened subsequently? Is your wife willing to talk about what's going on in her head or has she already moved on and you are following in her slip stream? The posters who said she is having an affair seem to have got it right. The least your wife owes you is an explanation for her irrational behaviour and to let you know that ad far as she is concerned, your marriage is over. You can then plan your own way forward. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. Warm wishes.