Mother/daughter conflict. PLease help

[Mamaof2]

This is killing me, fighting with my daughter. She's only 7 but we just can not connect. It has been like this for 2 years. Ever since her Mima, her daddy's mom, 2 years ago I have lost my daughter. I'm competing with a dead woman still for my daughter. I just can't take it anymore!!

 

I let this woman help me with our daughter, I just turned 18 when she was born and she was born with a birth defect with two feet of intestines on the outside. On top of that she came home with colic and it was hard for me, never being around kids and then to have one with needs. I was very tired and we let his mom take form time to time. Well, they bonded and I think my daughter would prefer her over me and this is just breaking my heart and I can't take it.

 

She has this mima book that I hide from her and every time that I turn around she has found it. She used to sleep with and now she finds and still plays with it. Please, has anyone gone through something like this? Please I need help. I found this site and was hoping that you could help me, please.

[RecordProducer]

Difficult matter. I feel for you. I can imagine how you feel.

There is only one way for you to go: to show her a lot of affection. You need to spend a lot of time with her. You are not competing with a dead woman. You're competing with the picture of the right mother. You've been judged by your own child. Just because she had a model of a perfect mother makes it harder for you and easier for her to know what she wants. All you need to do is be exactly what Mima was to her and do exactly the same things. She wants a mom like Mima. She was mature, warm, caring, loving...

It's time for you to grow up and be the mother she deserves. You're too young. You missed some time of her childhood, but you can make it up to each other.

Don't be so harsh on yourself, hun. I am sure that when you erase the unnecessary jealousy from your heart, you can be the mommy your daughter wants you to be!

 

In any case, some children are just more difficult than others and more prone to fighting. It's hard to deal with it, but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes we should accept our kids the way they are. There is so much we can do about some of their features. My ex fights with his 9-year old daughter all the time. Since always. She is a difficult little person.

[Mamaof2]

Yes I was too young but this woman was as we found out a drug addict that was hyper but fun to be around. I don't have her energy. I'm more mature then she was and more of a play mate to our daughter. I have to punish when she is wrong, mima didn't, I have to clean house, Mima didn't, I cater to her, her brother's and father's beckon need, she doted on her more then anyone.

 

I'm sorry, yes I do have jealously. I just try so hard. I am very grown up for my age. Been married for 8 years, have two kids and just want a strong relationship with my daughter. I'm only going to have one daughter. I fear that I will have a relationship with her like I do with mine. We do get along, I cater to her every need. Maybe I just can't stand to be reminded of that woman.

 

Maybe me and her are a lot alike. I was thinking of what you wrote, difficult person. My mom used to tell me that I was for her. Then I started to think, I have been told that my daughter and I do have a lot of the same personality. Maybe it's not so much of his mother, maybe she and I need to find a ground that we can relate to other then clashing with each other.

 

I'm not too young, I'm not, I'm not. LOL

 

 

Jennifer

[RecordProducer]

Hahaha!

Well you definitely have a sense of humor and you're incredibly intelligent for figuring out that your daughter seeks Mima in you. People with a lot of potential often feel trapped by life circumstances. And if we don't get what we want or expect or think we deserve we become desperate.

It definitely takes maturity to be a good mom. I became mom when I was 23. Motherhood tumbled down on my head. Plus my ex-husband was an a**h***. Plus he had this daughter who lost her mother and in all the compassion everyone had for her, I had to pretend I loved her. And she is so difficult to love. Her father has many problems with her character. She is demanding, selfish, self-centered, wants all the attention for her...

I live with my mom and it's hard for me to deal with her depression and lack of discipline she has for my kids.

I stayed on my own for 3 weeks and things have never been so easy for me. I have no problems with my kids. Maybe a little here and there, but basically we're getting along just great. Sometimes you need to stay alone with your kids and straight things out. My kids also miss my mom. They ask me every day when she will come back. She will tomorrow. I told my mom that if she wants to stay where she is, I would be fine without her, that I can't take our fights any longer, that I am doing just great without her criticizing me about everything... She said she knew what I was talking about because her father is doing the same things to her right now.

Some people are really difficult to deal with. Some of them are us. So the lesser the number of people involved the better the communication. Your daughter might be jealous of the other child too.

I cuddle with my kids a lot. But they love to cuddle. Physical touch is what keeps us together. Kids don't know whether you gave them food or medications on time, they won't judge you if you were negligent and didn't cover them at night, they don't know if what you're doing is right or wrong, they won't judge you if the house is dirty and the laundry is not clean on time... but they do know two things: 1. how much quality time you spend with them, and 2. how much (physical) affection you show them.

You think Mima was not mature, but your daughter isn't either. Maturity is not measured by seriousness, but by patronizing and indulging.

I have noticed that the more time and affection i give my kids the more they listen to me and respect me. Fights and beating are useless and lead to hostility that remains in their hearts forever.

Being a mom is the hardest task a woman can take on her back. It takes a lot of stamina and patience. You need to keep your words sweet and set rules of behavior at the same time. Take one step at a time. Remove the worst problems first then switch to the others. Don't expect miracle over night. She won't change easily or quickly. Maybe she won't change ever and be prepared to deal with the "disappointment" of parenthood. The only thing you're "obliged" to give her and owe yourself is to love her. She must see that in EVERY action, every step you make.

Furthermore, if you want her to respect you, you must respect yourself first. You must show her that you are a valuable person (with faults, of course) who sometimes makes mistakes but is giving her best.

I have the impression that you're trying to make some excuses for your own mistakes. Children don't forget our mistakes, but believe it or not, they love us unconditionally, just the way we love them.

[Mamaof2]

It's hard to read things that you know are true. My biggest fault is I lack patience with my daughter cause I see my myself in her. I see the things that I think are weakness. This is where my upbringing gets in the way. We won't go there cause I don't want to bore you with my problems. My daughter is a very well behaved, sweet, loving little girl that has my sassiness and stubbornness. Like I tell her to clean her room, she totally ignores me. That was so me as a kid. I once told my Dad, If you don't like clean it yourself. I told him that when I was 6. I still remember that because I thought he was going to beat my butt. I just have a hard time meeting her on her level

 

Do you have any ideas that could help me? She really is a great girl, I try to get involved in everything that she does, school, soccer, dance. My husband says that she'll be in High School and I will still be walking her to class. It has been hard being a young mom and wife, I do understand what you are saying. One day I was going out with friends and the next married and pregnant. I was so lost when I had our daughter, OK not so lost as I was scared. I was scared of my daughter, that I would fail her or even break her. Now I think that I have lost her and want to do what ever it takes to fix it.

 

I agree that I was young when I had her, 18, but I stepped up to my job as did her father, thank GOD. I take my responsibilities serious. That is why I'm asking for advice and help. My kids too are very affectionate and cuddly. I just want to connect with her. I guess I feel that she is measuring to her Mima and I'm not her and I don't have her same interests. Like, she used to have times when they pig out on junk food, I eat more health food. Dietary reasons, plus it's good for you. Which I have changed in my daughter. I guess, If I do it little by little I can change other things where she'll see that they are benefits of doing other things too. My son and I are close cause his mom was not given the chance to bond with our son. I wouldn't let her.

 

As you said that your mom is critical of you, his mom was of me. She never thought that I was good enough mom for her granddaughter. Everything I did was wrong. I didn't have a mom growing up or when I was pregnant. So I was doing everything by what the books said, I read a lot when I was pregnant. I wanted to be the perfect mom. I know there is no such thing but I wanted to be at least close. I think I am a good mom, I just want to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my baby girl. You know what I mean?

 

Jennifer

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Mamaof2

We won't go there cause I don't want to bore you with my problems.

 

Try me!

 

As to the room cleaning. I have the same problem with my kids. I've tried everything and the thing that works best is blackmail. I take their joystick away and tell them they will get them when they clean their room. Or they will go out when it's clean.

 

The first thing you should change about yourself is your attitude. You must conceive yourself as an adult. you are not her play mate or her sister, you are her mother. You are an adult and you should feel it with 100% of your being. I know you're young, but repeat yourself many times during the day that you're a full adult, fully responsible for your actions. Your husband probably makes it even worse for you, but you must learn to be strong. You must take yourself in your hands and not let anyone else control your life and motherhood. It's VERY hard to be stable and balanced, but that's the first thing you should achieve. I know you are responsible and caring and everything... but you must be well leveled and have control over your life. it's what you lack right now. You feel like the earth is moving under your feet and you don't know what to do. It's normal. Being a young mom is the most challenging thing you will ever experience. But if you manage it, you will feel fantastic.

The emotional instability is what your daughter feels about you and I would suggest that you fake it 'till you make it. Children LOVE discipline and stability. They don't want their parents to be their play mates. Make it clear that her room must be clean, the meal must be finished, and the teeth must be brushed. I made my kids brush their teeth by telling them "okay, your time for brushing teeth is up, you're going to have black teeth, I don't care!". Then they run to the bathroom.

Once you feel completely stable, you will find ways to deal with your daughter. Is your husband standing in the way somehow?

Just remember that love and discipline is what kids want and expect from us. If you give them too little of both, they will not respect you. Ignoring them is the worst thing you could possibly do.

How old is your son, Jen?

[Mamaof2]

No, My husband is wonderful and very helpful. He takes over when I get too frustrated and I need my time out. I'm a full time mom and don't trust anyone with my children besides my Uncle and Aunt. They have four kids and I stayed with them a lot when I was growing up.

 

My mom pawned me off on anyone who would take as a child. I can honestly say I don't think that she loved me as a child. We are just know working on our relationship. My father is a whole different story. They divorced when I was 8. Disaster.

 

I started thinking about what you are saying. I need to find a balance big time. I don't feel like a child but at the same time I don't feel like an adult. I love playing games with me kids and doing things with like going to the movies. But I need to find a balance to talk with my daughter and relate to her where we have a relationship. I hope that you know what I am talking about. I can't be any more stable, we have our time to get up, clean house, play and exercise. We have a very stable home, like a said I don't trust anyone with my kids. I just let my daughter ride the bus for a field trip for school, of course I was right behind the bus. Her teacher laughed, she understood where I was coming from. I feel that no one can watch my children like I do.

 

My mom pawned me off on anyone who would take me as a child, and not everyone was nice to me. I would never do that to my children. My mom wasn't very nice to either but at least it was my mom, not some one else.

 

I do the same thing with having them clean there room. I threaten to take toys away, which I have. Nothing. I have threatened to pull her out of dance. Nothing. ( I'm not going to pull her out of dance, she does to well and loves it) Told her that she won't go on play dates, have done that. Still nothing. Ran out of things to threaten her with. Asking her what I should do right now. She told me to take everything away if she doesn't. I told all right. She still haven't left to clean yet. OK she left, lol. I hear in there telling her brother to clean up or mom is going to take everything away if they don't clean up, lol. Matthew is asking why, she's like cause I told her to. He's still asking why? Too Cute huh?

 

We do spend a lot of time together, I just want to have a close relationship with her and be all that she needs. Do I sound unreasonable? Probably a bit selfish. I just don't want to miss anything with her.

 

I try not to discipline, I do discipline and make them behave at all cost. MY children or not spoiled brats at all. But major disciplining I have their father there with me. 1) to make sure that I don't other do it. 2) So there is no Dad said this or Mom said that. 3) to show unity between us. I think that we are doing a good job with them, everyone says that we are. I just more from my daughter. What do you think on that?

 

Jennifer