criticism

[Tiamet]

My husband is horribly critical. He is also extremely judgemental. He wants everything done his way, and never compromises. When I don't co-operate with him he puts me down.There is no rest from it, either. No time is sacred. I recently offered him money to go through the weekend without bitching at me, and he said there was no way he could. It is just a constant barrage.

 

I want to save this marraige, but I don't know how. When I try to tell him how he makes me feel, he tells me I am a baby, that I'm overly sensitive, or that my feelings are stupid. He also says if I would just get it together he would stop bothering me.

 

Last night I told him that he was just overwhelming me. I said that he criticizes me so much, about so many things, that I have to tune him out. I ased him to do like we do with the kids. We pick three issues a month to deal with. And those are the only things we comment on. We let the other, less important issues go so that they don't feel like we are always criticizing them. He told me I was an adult and all he should have to do is tell me something once and I should do it. He wants me to be perfect, and I can't. I looked for resources on the web about this type of thing, but found nothing. Any insight would be greatly apreciated.

[Michael]

I have a female friend in a similar situation. She is sick and tired of "walking on egg shells around him" everything she does, says, little things, he comes down on her even in front of the child. Her marriage has been this way for a long time. I suggested many options, counseling is always #1, but the husband wouldn't go for it. So finally she sat him down and had a long tearful talk about what was bothering her and if it didn't change she would leave.She even went so far as to leave apartment listings where he would find them: neat trick. Since then things have gotten better for her.Will it last I don't know. My point is try to communicate your feelings to him -make it known you are unhappy and want things between you better otherwise, this will contine. I hope things work out

[bethbonnie]

I have a female friend in a similar situation. She is sick and tired of "walking on egg shells around him" everything she does, says, little things, he comes down on her even in front of the child. Her marriage has been this way for a long time. I suggested many options, counseling is always #1, but the husband wouldn't go for it. So finally she sat him down and had a long tearful talk about what was bothering her and if it didn't change she would leave.She even went so far as to leave apartment listings where he would find them: neat trick. Since then things have gotten better for her.Will it last I don't know. My point is try to communicate your feelings to him -make it known you are unhappy and want things between you better otherwise, this will contine. I hope things work out I have just read your letter of concern re criticism... I do feel for you.. I was once in a very similar position. When was married some ten years ago, I 'walked on egg shells' around my husband..forturnately we did not have children be subject to this unhealthy situation. Would I be right in saying that you are nearly 'emotionally and physically' exhausted? Especially with children to extend needs on, you certainly need a good friend to take you shopping, and sit for a few hours peace chatting over coffee, switching off from the world for a few hours. When is the last time you heard someone say how wonderful you were? Or give you a hug because you need one so much? How often do your tears flow? (when no one is watching) ? This husband of yours is badly insecure, selfish and perhaps overflowing this anger, insensitivity and 'emotional and mental' abuse from the role models of his parents...does this ring true? May I suggest a website that will give you insight... http://home.vicnet.net.au/-girlsown/infospace.htm.. you will find some interesting reading..I believe this will be your first stepping stone toward receiving some important insight as to the way you are being treated. I applaud your resilience...you are doing a wonderful job and need to hear how beautiful you are inside...even though many negative words have wounded your precious emotions...none of them are true. It is a lie when someone says...'if you did'nt make me so angy.. then i would'nt ... ' blaming others for how WE feel is nothing short of weakness and insecurity. You keep strong dear girl, your a wonderful, unique, important, special, worthy, important individual person. Take good care of yourself and your babies...I encourage you to contact that website...let me know how you are doing respond to me if you need to ask any advice, I am well founded in relationship trials...the most wonderful freedom for a woman is finding understanding of her own self-worth, self-respect and to really know she is loved.... just for who she is...Take care, from Australia

 

[Red Dorito]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I'm not married, nor am I a mother, but I have been in a similar relationship. No person should be subjected to this kind of abuse. I know how terrible it can feel, to be in constant doubt. You don't honestly think this is your problem, do you? This is his problem. Remember when you were married, you probably promised to share in decisions and respect one another. "Obey" has been absent from most wedding vows for a long time. Why does your husband think he can control you like this? If he was aware that he couldn't stop for a weekend, doesn't that mean he is aware there is a problem? Have you sought counselling? If he thinks you require all this criticism, why did he marry you? You need to talk to him about why it keeps happening, instead of focusing on specifics. Use, and teach him how to use, the When...I feel... formula. (When you tell me I'm an idiot, I feel hurt. When you act like my feelings aren't important, I feel like I shouldn't be here...) Pay attention to how things are phrased. Maybe bone up on communication through a textbook or mini-course. If all else fails, I'm sorry to say I recommend considering separation. No human has the right to dominate over another like this, and no human is required to put up with it. Do you think your children aren't aware of this? I know you don't want them to begin to think it's ok to treat not only you, but their future spouses and acquaintances like this. Just imagine what it would be like if the kids joined forces with the husband, and all of them were picking at you. Now, before it's too late, either fix this or pack up. You'll start drinking, or kill yourself, or have a nervous breakdown if you don't.

 

Good luck, I know you'll find the strength. You are a strong, beautiful woman. We all are.

My husband is horribly critical. He is also extremely judgemental. He wants everything done his way, and never compromises. When I don't co-operate with him he puts me down.There is no rest from it, either. No time is sacred. I recently offered him money to go through the weekend without bitching at me, and he said there was no way he could. It is just a constant barrage. I want to save this marraige, but I don't know how. When I try to tell him how he makes me feel, he tells me I am a baby, that I'm overly sensitive, or that my feelings are stupid. He also says if I would just get it together he would stop bothering me. Last night I told him that he was just overwhelming me. I said that he criticizes me so much, about so many things, that I have to tune him out. I ased him to do like we do with the kids. We pick three issues a month to deal with. And those are the only things we comment on. We let the other, less important issues go so that they don't feel like we are always criticizing them. He told me I was an adult and all he should have to do is tell me something once and I should do it. He wants me to be perfect, and I can't. I looked for resources on the web about this type of thing, but found nothing. Any insight would be greatly apreciated.