another 2 years... and no significant progress

[pheonixrisen]

This is a follow on to the thread I created in 2015

see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/534677-these-limitations-reasonable-2-years-after-affair

 

I am so miserable and time is ticking on... we are getting older... since my previous postings, there have been discussions virtually every day. Lots of anger from my OH, almost on a daily basis, and what seems like more and more restrictions as to what I can / cannot do.

 

She believes I have Asperger disease, which accounts for my lack of empathy. She has been trying to 'train' me out of those behaviours, but it seems it's difficult to teach an old dog new tricks! I feel I have been trying so hard to change my behaviour and be more aware, empathetic and expressive, but it seems it is hard to do everything 100% correctly all the time.

 

In the meantime, I feel I am severely restricted by what she thinks is reasonable for me to do. Hence I would appreciate other's views as to whether these restrictions are reasonable, given my affair 4.5 years ago. The sort of things I am referring to mostly centre around me not being in a position to see other females, as they are invariable 'show-off sluts flaunting their sexuality. By other females, this includes people in real life, pictures on the Internet, including (believe it or not), cartoon images of females in those pop-up 'can I help you' web assistants.

 

So, limitations such as:-

 

- Avoiding browsing / buying anything on the Internet, unless she is present (and preferable in control of the mouse)... with the exception of critical business searches if she is out (but then I have to keep links to the sites, so she can check them out later). e.g. She is not happy with me going to (say) Amazon, because on the front page there may be pictures of slutty singers, film stars or women promoting clothes.

- Not going to shops or towns. She has categorically stated that there is no way she would let me go to a supermarket, DIY or department store again.

- Avoiding having any 'sexist' material in the house. This means that on the odd occasion when she buys me a Golf magazine (as I am not allowed to go to the newsagent), she will 'edit' it and tear out pages with women on it where you can see some thigh or the shape of a breast under a top.

- Letting her listen to any business voice messages we receive, in case there is a 'female' voice on the message. (and, I just remembered a few weeks ago she told me not to listen to a message or "I'll wring your f**king neck")!

- Not letting me look at the wedding photos of my daughter's wedding as there were so many "ghastly females showing off" (which there're weren't in my opinion). Hence, I have been asked to say what photos I may like to have and she will edit some for us to keep.

- Not doing to an old (male) friends house, because he is not the tidiest person and his lounge will be covered with unopened post which may contain pictures of "show-off" females and he will have 'boxed-sets of DVDs' which will have images of semi-clad females on it.

 

If I counter any of those preferences, I am met with one or more of the following counter arguments:-

 

- It is not my fault... it is the result of how you betrayed our trust and how porn-ified society has become, that I have only woken up to after the A.

- You are busy and have work to do, so it's better that I do the search/buying/fact-finding and then just get your agreement when I have short-listed valid products / suppliers.

- Supermarkets are grotty and full of show-off chavs, so it is better that I go there than you.

- Restaurants/pubs are poor value and serve low-welfare food, so we are better off eating at home (which I do agree with - we are both good cooks - but it is the restriction of never going to one again that is the issue, rather than particularly wanting to do so).

 

Recent low-points have included:-

 

- receiving a product bought online, and on opening it together, there was a 'guarantee/help' leaflet that had a picture of a smiling woman's face, wearing a call-centre headset. The woman was the stereotypical smiling blond (i.e. a stock photo and not how a real call-centre agent would look like). Now, at the point, I muttered something like 'more-sexist-rubbish', but because I apparently said it in a neutral way, without meaning, it resulted in her ripping it up in minute pieces, shouting at me and spitting in my face.

 

- wanting to go to a golf driving range on my own whilst she attended an exercise class nearby (i.e. going in one car). But that was met with non-acceptance on 2 grounds; a) that she wanted us to do fun things together and not separately any more, after what we have been through and b) she wouldn't be able to concentrate on her exercise class not knowing whether there may be some other female "showing off" on the driving range near me, and that she couldn't trust me to tell her afterwards what I saw. She was so upset at the thought of me doing something independently, that I backed down.

 

So, what to do? She says she will never be able to trust me again. Then adds that anyone is stupid to trust anyone anyway. She says that after the affair she wants us to do everything together (although she attends classes, yoga, sees friends and goes shopping on her own).

 

And she won't accept counselling as counsellors a) won't be able to understand the complexity of it all and b) they may not be totally confidential.

 

Any advises gratefully received!

 

Honest opinion from a bs whose h was in a 2 year affair

 

OMFG your wife is a whole new level of crazy .

You are a dog, she has the leash and when she says sit you wag your tail and sit

 

We are approaching 6 years in reconciliation. And I have bad days but have never stopped my h

 

-watching porn I enjoy it too

-I don't much care about semi clad or naked woman infact i do show him those pics when we are joking about something or just gossiping

-He is on various group chats on social media app with his childhood buddy and some of what they send each other is crazy .

 

He can meet women work related and when networking ...for heaven sake thier is business to be done with both sexes you cannot stop that from happening .

Plus there are a lot of good looking woman and men around .you are going to look .that's not a crime ...i do too

 

Does she know the world consist of men and women you are going to come in a lot of contact with both through out your life.

 

The bottom line as long as you are not having an affair..and is transparent about things it's good .

 

Your marriage is not .This Is the opp of working out the marriage .is she aware she cannot hold the affair over your head for ever .

 

She is wrong. It's time to talk to her or leave .some marriages work out some don't. And that's fine too .

 

Can't spend the rest of your life with every action of yours being controlled ....just thinking about it she herself must be tired and exhausted .

 

Your whole relationship is now abuse.

[Dave1963]

To put things into context... this is the sort of thing that causes rows. The other day, we needed to buy a computer component. As usual, she insisted that she sat in on the web browsing. And then she threw a wobbly when we scrolled down this page...

 

https://www.ebuyer.com/695890-samsung-850-evo-250gb-2-5inch-ssd-mz-75e250bw

 

I trust you all spotted the (and I quote)... "stereotypical sexist sh.t that these manufacturers use to promote their products... because it is males that buy such items and why the manufactures put images of female flesh in their promotional material so the male customers can enjoy and w@nk over... and those images are exactly the reason why 'we're' going to avoid these modern apps where people can't just enjoy music without having some image thrust in front of them".

 

If you didn't, it's part of the the image about a third of the way down the page, underneath the section about 'Capacities range up to 4 TB'.

 

I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?

[MidlifeMama]

I can't even fathom living like this. She has total CONTROL of you. People make mistakes. She obviously will NEVER let it go. This is unhealthy and abusive. I don't think you killed anyone. Maybe her heart and ego but Good Lord. I don't know anyone who could live this way. Is she that fabulous that you would want to?

Is your guilt that deep that you are o.k. with this life? I don't think so. That's why you came here. Heal yourself, forgive yourself. Forgive her for being a psycho, but get the hell out. Unfortunately, I don't see this changing. Even if her dictatorship were to lessen, she clearly won't ever get over the affair.

 

It seems you have given it your all to try because you say you love her..dig deep..is that out of guilt or because she is truly a gem whom you do not want to lose?

It's hard ending things, I am there, it hurts, it sucks, but there is no way in hell I would ever live as you have been FORCED to live, mistakes or not.

 

IF you feel you truly want to stay in this relationship, I think it's time to tell her that you messed up, you are sorry but won't continue to live as a dictatorship in a marriage and if she can't trust you again and stop the abuse, then things need to end for good.

[elaine567]

To put things into context... this is the sort of thing that causes rows. The other day, we needed to buy a computer component. As usual, she insisted that she sat in on the web browsing. And then she threw a wobbly when we scrolled down this page...

 

https://www.ebuyer.com/695890-samsung-850-evo-250gb-2-5inch-ssd-mz-75e250bw

 

I trust you all spotted the (and I quote)... "stereotypical sexist sh.t that these manufacturers use to promote their products... because it is males that buy such items and why the manufactures put images of female flesh in their promotional material so the male customers can enjoy and w@nk over... and those images are exactly the reason why 'we're' going to avoid these modern apps where people can't just enjoy music without having some image thrust in front of them".

 

If you didn't, it's part of the the image about a third of the way down the page, underneath the section about 'Capacities range up to 4 TB'.

 

I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?

 

The girl with the camisole/vest top on playing the piano?

[Birdies]

I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?

 

No. That is so far outside of normal that I think your wife has had some sort of mental break. This is crazy. You have plenty of formerly betrayed spouses telling you that this is abusive behavior. It is controlling emotional and verbal abuse to the extreme. Abuse doesn't just happen to women.

[dichotomy]

What if you just said "no" to most of her demands and rules - and went about doing what's right for you?

 

She can leave - thats her choice.

[Dave1963]

The girl with the camisole/vest top on playing the piano?

 

Yes, that's the image - thanks for taking the time to look.

[elaine567]

Yes, that's the image - thanks for taking the time to look.

 

Well that is a bit ridiculous.

I hardly noticed it on first scanning the page, but I thought it was going to be a bigger more sexualised image, not a tiny pic of a woman playing the piano.

But if she is being triggered by such images the "ridiculousness" will not be getting through to her.

[Cephalopod]

You need to go to an educational psychologist and have a full diagnostic study done to determine what you may have. There are a lot of different disorders other than Autism Spectrum Disorders that can cause the behaviors you display: ASD, ADHD, ADD, schizoid personality disorder as well as various phobias.

 

 

An educational psychologist shpuld be able to do a fairly accurate assessment of what your issue and how to get help for it.

 

 

Right now you are just guessing, and that gets you nowhere.

[Dave1963]

...It is controlling emotional and verbal abuse to the extreme.

Thanks, I hadn't seen it like that. I just saw it as her setting her limits which, I guess after what has happened, she is entitled to do.

[Crazelnut]

Thanks, I hadn't seen it like that. I just saw it as her setting her limits which, I guess after what has happened, she is entitled to do.

 

And you are entitled to decide if those limits are reasonable. Literally every response here has indicated they are not. What do YOU think of her limits? The fact that you started this thread gives me an answer.

[Bufo]

Dave--This comment may see a bit odd, but I wonder whether she enjoys punishing you. Some rush to divorce, others engage in revenge affairs and some keep bringing the A up to remind the WS that he/she is not a decent human being. (The latter often as a defensive strategy).

 

But here she wants to control everything you do. She must know that eventually you'll reach your breaking point. Do you think you can reach that point without violence? (Against yourself or

Her) Or will you simply disappear?

 

You are neither a toddler or puppy needing training. And most people

With toddlers or puppies provide love in addition to instruction and discipline.

 

Counseling? Spiritual guidance? See a lawyer to learn what divorce is all about? At a minimum keep reading and posting here.

[Undercoverirish]

This is such an awful environment to be in. Your wife controlling you in this matter will not help the fact that you had an affair. She's clearly very insecure and controlling and both of you must be miserable.

 

This is an abusive situation and you must leave if your wife will not give you the freedoms that someone deserves in life. You can't be expected to pay for an affair for the rest of your life. If she's unable to move on, then you're going to have to. Without her.