Has anyone dated a club bouncer?

[Ivy2017]

Most of the guys I've dated were bouncers - and contrary to what it sounds like, no, I never specifically looked for men with this job, it just happened this way.

I am currently dating another bouncer, I dated him a bit years ago and it wasn't a good situation at all, but after we reconnected almost a year ago it all fell into place and about 4 months ago we started a relationship.

We are not young; in fact, I'm mid-40s and he is 50. I look good (younger) for my age, and yet I am having more and more trouble coping with his job. It is his P/T weekend job, by the way. I feel like I am a little too old to be competing with other women, or maybe I'm using the wrong wording here - a bit too old to even fear that type of competition. After all, he works in an environment where temptation is everywhere, and the other bouncers are cheaters (I know them).

And even if it's not the competition, I got to an age where, after a full week of full time work, I would like to chill with my partner at home on a Friday night and maybe do something fun on a Saturday night. Instead, I'm home alone while he's there getting hit on by dimwits who think hitting on the bouncer and passing him their numbers is fun and exciting.

 

It is a widely known fact that women (or a certain category of them) will hit on bouncers. And my guy is not exactly a saint, he has cheated (not on me as far as I know), he has lied (to me too), so obviously I have trust issues on top of everything.

 

I hate, or I should say HATE his job with a passion. I was hoping by 50 he would finally decide to let go of it (why aren't there any laws to set a maximum age limit for something like bouncing???), but it doesn't seem to be happening.

 

He knows my fears and swears that he's not the type to pick up, and that I have nothing to worry about (duh!, don't they all?). I am relatively sure he wouldn't go for a one night stand, but what about the good looking women who actually start decent conversations with him and catch his interest? I may be good looking too and smart, but I am old news, I can never compete with the "new". And I'm scared. All I want is to hear him say the words "I am done with bouncing, for good".

 

People are telling me to end it, because I will never be happy in this scenario, and I will never trust him 100%. But I don't want to end an otherwise good relationship over something that may or may not happen. Yes, chances are he'll eventually cheat on me, or dump me in order to pursue a new woman he's met at the club, but if I end the relationship then there will most definitely not be any future for us.

 

I guess this is more like a vent, I am having a low moment of self doubt and insecurity, that I cannot share with him. Most people look forward to the weekend, I dread it because it is yet another chance for him to meet someone new. It's really taking a toll on me. Every time he seems colder in his texts, or doesn't contact me one night, I fear he's met someone else and he's on a date.

 

If anyone on here has any words of advice and/or encouragement, please share with me.

 

And if there are some of you who enjoy hitting on the bouncers in clubs, let me tell you - dating a bouncer is not as glamorous as it may look from the outside. Lonely nights, living in constant fear that yesterday's date may be the last, that next time you're having sex you may end up with an STD... nothing fancy about that. In fact, it's a real self esteem killer in the long run.

[smackie9]

I worked the door (coat check) for 4 years. I worked with a lot of bouncers, some from Australia. There is no way I would ever date or recommend dating one. Turn a new leaf, date a nice carpenter, or veterinarian, or someone that has nothing to do with the bar scene.

[d0nnivain]

I've dated a couple of bouncers in my lifetime. I generally met them when I was tending bar & they were the ones protecting me.

 

 

Yes, women do hit on them & bartenders too. To some extent flirting goes with the job. Part of it is the whole you catch more flies with sugar thing.

 

 

Bottom line the profession doesn't define the character of the man. A good guy will be faithful. A jerk will cheat. Where & how he draws a pay check is not the deciding factor here.

 

 

If some attractive woman talks to him, you have to assume he's going to chat her up. That doesn't mean he's going to dump you or cheat on her. Talking isn't boinking. You trust him or you don't. You are secure enough to put up with this or you need to find a different BF in another line of work but won't you be afraid he'll leave you for the hot new secretary in his office, or the nurse, or the lady who gives him his coffee in the morning. Women are everywhere.

[Ivy2017]

I've dated a couple of bouncers in my lifetime. I generally met them when I was tending bar & they were the ones protecting me.

 

 

Yes, women do hit on them & bartenders too. To some extent flirting goes with the job. Part of it is the whole you catch more flies with sugar thing.

 

 

Bottom line the profession doesn't define the character of the man. A good guy will be faithful. A jerk will cheat. Where & how he draws a pay check is not the deciding factor here.

 

 

If some attractive woman talks to him, you have to assume he's going to chat her up. That doesn't mean he's going to dump you or cheat on her. Talking isn't boinking. You trust him or you don't. You are secure enough to put up with this or you need to find a different BF in another line of work but won't you be afraid he'll leave you for the hot new secretary in his office, or the nurse, or the lady who gives him his coffee in the morning. Women are everywhere.

 

 

That's very true, women are everywhere and I personally know men in lines of work that are not conducive to cheating, who cheat. I do believe that it's all up to the guy's character, but I am still uneasy.

He's been known to cheat, that is a fact. Would he cheat on me? I don't know. We get along very well and have lots in common, which according to him is not easy to find ( he is not the easiest person to get along with).

 

He wants me to trust him, but I don't fully. The lies I caught him in over time haven't helped either.

 

I guess I'm just biding my time hoping at some point he will find he had enough of this bar scene, and want to retire from it. He was talking about it when we first started dating, maybe to make himself more appealing to me (he knew even then that I wasn't a fan of his line of work), but I haven't heard him mention it in months. I generally avoid the subject anyway, as it usually leads to fights.

 

I know every man is different, every situation is different. Unfortunately it doesn't make my life easier lol.

[d0nnivain]

He has a reputation for cheating & he's lied to you in the past. His profession isn't the problem. His lack of character is the problem. Date him at your own risk but go into this with your eyes wide open.

 

 

I might date him but I certainly would assume we did not have an exclusive relationship no matter how many times he swore that we did

[Space Ritual]

Most of the guys I've dated were bouncers - and contrary to what it sounds like, no, I never specifically looked for men with this job, it just happened this way.

I am currently dating another bouncer, I dated him a bit years ago and it wasn't a good situation at all, but after we reconnected almost a year ago it all fell into place and about 4 months ago we started a relationship.

We are not young; in fact, I'm mid-40s and he is 50. I look good (younger) for my age, and yet I am having more and more trouble coping with his job. It is his P/T weekend job, by the way. I feel like I am a little too old to be competing with other women, or maybe I'm using the wrong wording here - a bit too old to even fear that type of competition. After all, he works in an environment where temptation is everywhere, and the other bouncers are cheaters (I know them).

And even if it's not the competition, I got to an age where, after a full week of full time work, I would like to chill with my partner at home on a Friday night and maybe do something fun on a Saturday night. Instead, I'm home alone while he's there getting hit on by dimwits who think hitting on the bouncer and passing him their numbers is fun and exciting.

 

It is a widely known fact that women (or a certain category of them) will hit on bouncers. And my guy is not exactly a saint, he has cheated (not on me as far as I know), he has lied (to me too), so obviously I have trust issues on top of everything.

 

I hate, or I should say HATE his job with a passion. I was hoping by 50 he would finally decide to let go of it (why aren't there any laws to set a maximum age limit for something like bouncing???), but it doesn't seem to be happening.

 

He knows my fears and swears that he's not the type to pick up, and that I have nothing to worry about (duh!, don't they all?). I am relatively sure he wouldn't go for a one night stand, but what about the good looking women who actually start decent conversations with him and catch his interest? I may be good looking too and smart, but I am old news, I can never compete with the "new". And I'm scared. All I want is to hear him say the words "I am done with bouncing, for good".

 

People are telling me to end it, because I will never be happy in this scenario, and I will never trust him 100%. But I don't want to end an otherwise good relationship over something that may or may not happen. Yes, chances are he'll eventually cheat on me, or dump me in order to pursue a new woman he's met at the club, but if I end the relationship then there will most definitely not be any future for us.

 

I guess this is more like a vent, I am having a low moment of self doubt and insecurity, that I cannot share with him. Most people look forward to the weekend, I dread it because it is yet another chance for him to meet someone new. It's really taking a toll on me. Every time he seems colder in his texts, or doesn't contact me one night, I fear he's met someone else and he's on a date.

 

If anyone on here has any words of advice and/or encouragement, please share with me.

 

And if there are some of you who enjoy hitting on the bouncers in clubs, let me tell you - dating a bouncer is not as glamorous as it may look from the outside. Lonely nights, living in constant fear that yesterday's date may be the last, that next time you're having sex you may end up with an STD... nothing fancy about that. In fact, it's a real self esteem killer in the long run.

 

I was not a Bouncer, but a standard Doorman on and off in Chicago at some clubs. The whole stupid "Guest List" and Cheesy Velvet Rope included. I understand what you are saying, especially if your bouncer boyfriend works any currently Trendy clubs in your city. Chicks tend to be attracted to the Big Burly types. Some bouncers do actually have groupies, so it is not uncommon. Most though are just trying to supplement their income and don't have a lot of time to scurry off into the bathroom for an impromptu hummer from some teenager with a bad fake ID.

 

I would not worry as much about your Boyfriend banging some college co-ed as I would worry about him getting shot by some pissed off guy who was denied access to a club. I was always far more worried about that as people who show up late at night are already inebriated and don't wan't to stand in a line with some guy with a Blue Tooth and a cheap suit deciding who gets in. If the lifestyle your BF has upsets you, then you can always pull the plug on this.

[Space Ritual]

He has a reputation for cheating & he's lied to you in the past. His profession isn't the problem. His lack of character is the problem. Date him at your own risk but go into this with your eyes wide open.

 

 

I might date him but I certainly would assume we did not have an exclusive relationship no matter how many times he swore that we did

 

I have to agree with this. If he does have a nefarious past then you never know. But again, most of us door guys and Bouncers were far too busy making "selections" for crappy pay and watered down drinks at the end of the night. lol.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are really, really not compatible. Not sure which people over the age of 25 perceive bouncing as a "glamorous" job, but it is clear you are extremely uncomfortable with the whole scenario.

 

You don't trust him. He's lied to you before (about what?) He has cheated on previous partners. You hate this job of his. You are insecure, and he is in an environment where he's surrounded by pretty young things. Every weekend you are fretting that he's off banging someone else.

 

Why bother putting yourself through this? I can't see how this is worth it. I would end it and work on finding a man whose lifestyle and character is more compatible with yours.