Work crush has me thinking I need to quit before I cheat

[Cloudednconfused]

I'm new here so please be kind. I am desperate for some advice from a non biased party and am to the point where I am posting this from my cell phone at work while I should be working. Really though I can't focus on anything for the past month and it's taking a toll on me.

 

I am in a 7 year long same sex relationship. About four months ago I started a new job and it's a touchy subject at home because this is my girlfriends dream job and she was jealous about me getting this opportunity so I try not to talk to her about work much. I wanted this to be a career for me but a few things have recently made me think this isn't going to work out after all. I don't really care for the industry I am in but the pay is good so I'm here. Now there's another issue that is making me feel like I need to quit. My boss is older than me but super handsome and funny.

 

We get along and have kind of always maintained a flirty relationship but I do not see him everyday so it's hard to tell if he is interested. He is a really charming man and is super friendly to everyone so I just don't know. We are in an industry that requires us to be somewhat chummy and charismatic. He talks about his ex a lot and discloses details about why it ended. Last week he suggested we go get a drink at one of the bars nearby. We went out and had drinks and talked. He knows that I date women but I also mentioned an ex boyfriend and the sad thing is that I brought that up to let him know I was bisexual.

 

I'm totally ashamed but also really sexually attracted to him. He does not know I am in a relationship. I told him about being engaged once before and we talked about marriage not being all it's cracked up to be. He travels a lot so I go through little phases where I'm over it but when he returns from his travels the flirting and chemistry start up again. I haven't told my girlfriend at home but I know she feels my distance and is concerned about how much time I spend with this man.

 

I keep telling her that he and I need to work closely together because we are in the same department and the truth is that we really do rely on each other for work purposes. I've thought about quitting but I feel really bad because I basically begged the owner of this company for a job and he took a chance on me and I would feel really stupid quitting after only 4 months. Plus I don't even know if this guy feels the attraction as well or is just being nice.

 

I don't know what to do and it's consuming my life. Please help! [] This is technically emotional cheating

Edited September 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge duplicate threads

[Space Ritual]

Well, Well,Well.

 

I am about the most absolutist subforum member that you are going to find.

 

So with that in mind, I'd like to congratulate you in a way,

 

Why you may ask?

 

Because you already know where this is going to lead. Regardless of my opinion on any of this, please know that I can appreciate anyone that comes here for advice BEFORE they take a step they may not be able to come back from.

 

And that is a good thing.

 

I will not browbeat you, but will simply ask you to take some time to do some critical thinking.

 

Ultimately, think about what would be the best outcome as you see it now. Then compare it to not only what it would take to reach that outcome, but also at the reverse. (i.e. How do you reconcile that with the amount of pain you may inflict on someone if you go through with it, and might I add, needlessly inflict on someone else.)

 

Could you be having a crisis of conscience because you never thought you could be this type of person, perhaps? Indeed, what I have discovered over the course of my life, is that given the right circumstances, anyone is capable of anything, at any time.

 

I commend you for seeking advice. I also think you know what the final answer to yourself already is. Maybe you just wanted to have someone independently appeal to your common sense instead of your emotion. And that is ok.

 

If you can accept all the consequence that comes with being a cheater, now, and in the long term future, including the shattered feelings, the lies, the deception. AND the fallout from all of it.(friends and family choosing sides, not to mention the change in living arrangements, the issue with HR if some jealous coworker finds out and blows it up to HR). if you are not going to sweat that stuff, then by all means, continue at your own peril.

 

But I think a simple Risk/Benefit ratio examination will be all it takes to guide you to a decision which allows you to be honest with yourself, and to live with integrity.

 

Cheating is just something you can't come back from completely. Never completely

 

You already know the answer. Good Luck:)

[healing light]

How is your relationship at home? She isn't happy for you about the job but rather jealous? Do you feel emotionally supported in general by her? Is there a reason it's been 7 years without marriage? Sometimes when we feel strongly attracted to another person it's because there is something missing or a need not being met in the current relationship. I would work at figuring out what that is and evaluate if you can work on it with her.

 

Can you transfer to another department at your work so you're not immediately under this man's supervision and aren't working as closely with him? If he's dropping details about his ex, I'm guessing he's looking for more intimate conversation/probing you so I wouldn't be surprised if the feelings were mutual.

[usa1ah]

Take sex out of the equation for the moment.

 

Is this a guy that you would want to hang out with and get to know better if there was no chance the two of you could ever be together sexually?

 

You need to figure out what you want in the future. Then go from there.

 

Yes he is interested just hesitate because you are show signs of unease. Sounds like he is taking it slow.

[Cloudednconfused]

Space ritual- your reply helped me look at things from a more philosophical view point but I actually think it's quite opposite of what you suggested. I used to get bored in relationships and break up with people and move on quickly and sometimes I admit without really giving them any closure. The relationship I am in now has been the longest and I really felt like it was going to be my last relationship so I think that's where my crisis comes in. I don't want to believe that I can go back to my old ways and hurt this person just because I can't control myself. I've thought about the fallout and it just makes me feel worse and more confused. My parents and family value our relationship as well so I would be hurting and disappointing more that one person here

Usa1ah- I don't think I would honestly care either way. If there was no sexual attraction I don't think I would go out of my way to hang out or be his friend even though he is a pretty cool guy. He has also mentioned to me before that he had the opportunity to hook up with co workers but turned them down because it was unprofessional but he said this before he told me that he favors women with physical qualities similar to mine. He is not as easy to read as any of the other men I have met and this is part of the appeal I think. But it also makes me mad and confused and I just feel like a time bomb. I just wish I knew if it was reciprocated so that I could either force myself to get over it or just quit and find another job.

[Cloudednconfused]

Healing light-thank you for your reply. This is definitely an issue and great point to bring up. Sadly she has always been a bit immature emotionally and I blame this on her home life growing up. She does this thing where she feels like the world has dealt her a bad hand and she always gets the short end of the stick. I disagree and often tell her to be grateful and realize how blessed she truly is but she is a little rough around the edges and is stubborn. She says she wants to marry me but wants to wait until our finances are in check so we "don't have to go in to work the Monday after our wedding" we have discussed it and I truly believe she wants to hold out for the future so we can afford a nice honeymoon. Unfortunately I can't transfer. I am in a very unique work situation and am basically the only person that can do my job. I thought about that too but even if I was somehow able to get a transfer he would still be in the building sometimes and therefore still a problem. I was just kind of hoping/not hoping that the details about his ex and all the other inappropriate stuff was him treating me like one of the boys as we are in a mostly male dominated industry. He is very hard to read and has told me that he has turned down opportunities to hook up with coworkers because it's unprofessional but then followed that with saying he favors women with physical qualities similar to mine and asking me about my past relationships and things of that nature. It's making me feel crazy

[Dark-Farmer]

It would be nice if you "knew" if it was reciprocated. But no one has that luxury until they ask, it's just the nature of individuality.

 

But this is the thing is ... you don't need to know to make a decision. You'd just use the knowledge of reciprocation to reduce the personal risk to yourself. A safety net of having another option if you decide to leave your relationship.

 

If you wanted to stay with your partner, no matter what, then what does it matter? if you're still on the fence then how is "know he's interested" going to make the decision easier? if anything it'll make it harder (you'll have two compelling options). And if you no longer want to be with your partner then whether your boss likes you or not you should end the relationship to pursue him, or someone else that suits you more.

 

So it boils down to figuring out if your happy in your relationship, not if he likes you.

 

And then whether to stay in your job. And again maybe that decision should be made questioning if your happy there or not?

 

Just keep in mind it's not healthy to jump from relationship to relationship, without a pause for personal reflection. My experience is you tend to repeat your "relationship" mistakes if you don't take a break (how ever small).

[Cloudednconfused]

Thanks Dark Farmer for the solid advice. I guess I want to know if he feels the same so that I have a legitimate excuse to leave this job behind. I want him to try to make a move on me so that I can have that aha I knew it moment and be really sure that quitting is the right thing to do. I do not want to pursue a relationship with my boss and I don't want to leave my current relationship but this is uncharted territory for me and I don't know how to act. I agree about bouncing from relationship to relationship and I definitely feel like my current relationship needs a lot of work but it's hard to focus on that with all this going on at work.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Clouded, I think your situation is complicated by the fact that you are bisexual. You are a woman in a relationship with another woman and then along comes your boss who is a man and you are now attracted to him. I do not know(as I am not in your unique position of being a bisexual) as to how you respond romantically to your GF and how you respond to this boss on whom you have a crush. Your relationship with your GF is, for lack of a better word, not the norm whereas what you are feeling for your boss is a standard man woman dynamic. I do not know which will pull you more strongly. What are your views on having children? I ask because in a relationship with a man it would be relatively straightforward whereas in a relationship with a woman it would be a bit more complicated. You are the only one who can answer these questions and, quite frankly, I do not even know whether they are valid questions in your case or not. Maybe the entire scenario I have painted is completely off course. Only you would know what is fact and what is fiction.

 

The point I have been trying to highlight is that in your case it is not a simple or straightforward case of cheating but something that encompasses that and more. Ponder your situation clearly and come to your conclusions wisely. Warm wishes.

[Cloudednconfused]

I do not know(as I am not in your unique position of being a bisexual) as to how you respond romantically to your GF and how you respond to this boss on whom you have a crush. Your relationship with your GF is, for lack of a better word, not the norm whereas what you are feeling for your boss is a standard man woman dynamic. I do not know which will pull you more strongly. What are your views on having children? I ask because in a relationship with a man it would be relatively straightforward whereas in a relationship with a woman it would be a bit more complicated.

 

Just a guy-You do bring up points that would normally factor into a situation like this and quite honestly, I wish it were as simple as do or don't want because that would make my decision a lot easier. I do not want children so that does not really make a difference and my girlfriend feels the same.

 

In regards to your comment about how I respond romantically to both, my girlfriend and I had a very strong chemistry/attraction for the first I'd say 4 years of our relationship. After that we have had to work on it a bit because we moved nearby to my family and purchased a house together and the bills piled up and we sort of fell into that going through the motions trap that I've always wanted to avoid. I still find myself attracted to her when she makes an effort but most of the time we are so consumed with the day to day that we aren't always thinking about romance or passion.

 

It is a gender thing because obviously men are better at turning off their brain and getting down to it but as two women in a long term relationship it is not that easy. I guess my situation is not as black and white as I thought and obviously its not just about my attraction to this man but what I feel is missing in my relationship. Thank you for taking the time to give your input.

[Methodical]

I wanted this to be a career for me but a few things have recently made me think this isn't going to work out after all. I don't really care for the industry I am in but the pay is good so I'm here. Now there's another issue that is making me feel like I need to quit. My boss is older than me but super handsome and funny.

 

We get along and have kind of always maintained a flirty relationship but I do not see him everyday so it's hard to tell if he is interested. He is a really charming man and is super friendly to everyone so I just don't know. We are in an industry that requires us to be somewhat chummy and charismatic. He talks about his ex a lot and discloses details about why it ended. Last week he suggested we go get a drink at one of the bars nearby. We went out and had drinks and talked. He knows that I date women but I also mentioned an ex boyfriend and the sad thing is that I brought that up to let him know I was bisexual.

 

I'm totally ashamed but also really sexually attracted to him. He does not know I am in a relationship. I told him about being engaged once before and we talked about marriage not being all it's cracked up to be. He travels a lot so I go through little phases where I'm over it but when he returns from his travels the flirting and chemistry start up again. I haven't told my girlfriend at home but I know she feels my distance and is concerned about how much time I spend with this man.

 

I keep telling her that he and I need to work closely together because we are in the same department and the truth is that we really do rely on each other for work purposes. I've thought about quitting but I feel really bad because I basically begged the owner of this company for a job and he took a chance on me and I would feel really stupid quitting after only 4 months. Plus I don't even know if this guy feels the attraction as well or is just being nice.

 

I don't know what to do and it's consuming my life. Please help! [] This is technically emotional cheating

 

I intended to touch on some points in chronological order, but I've already deviated a few times. So, I'll hit on some points and might reiterate as I go through this. You aren't happy working in this industry, but the pay is good so you are there. Understandable. We have to pay our bills.

 

The problem isn't your boss being handsome and funny, it's the sexual attraction you feel. You have maintained a flirty relationship, but you've only worked there for four months. You have seven years invested in your current relationship. Plus, you admit that this industry requires you to be charismatic.

 

You are ashamed that you have intentionally omitted details about your current relationship and mentioned an ex-boyfriend. Okay, you have a conscience. In the past, you got bored easily and buzzed through relationships and ppl quickly, often without closure. You are here, bearing your soul, so I'd say you have matured. Recognizing that you are attracted to someone doesn't make you a bad person. It is how we handle these hurdles. You say you don't want a relationship with your boss. Good. Imagine the repercussions that follow when you get bored with him or vice visa. This is your livelihood, at least for the moment. What I don't understand is your need to know if he is attracted to you so you have a legitimate excuse to leave.

 

Back to the flirting, he has told you he is attracted to women with similar qualities that you possess. He has also mentioned opportunities to hook up with subordinates, but he hasn't because it's unprofessional. IMO, he feels a mutual attraction, but he isn't going to act on and this is his way of letting you know without being blunt.

 

 

I guess I want to know if he feels the same so that I have a legitimate excuse to leave this job behind. I want him to try to make a move on me so that I can have that aha I knew it moment and be really sure that quitting is the right thing to do. I do not want to pursue a relationship with my boss and I don't want to leave my current relationship but this is uncharted territory for me and I don't know how to act. I agree about bouncing from relationship to relationship and I definitely feel like my current relationship needs a lot of work but it's hard to focus on that with all this going on at work.

 

Provided that you really don't want to pursue a relationship with your boss, and you don't want to bail on your current relationship, you need to focus on your gf. Yes, it's hard to focus, especially when there is someone that you feel attracted to, who flirts and is chummy, standing in front of you. It's new and fun and doesn't have the baggage that exists in your current relationship. Keep in mind that eventually the newness wears off in all relationships.

 

According to you, if the feelings are mutual, that gives you a legitimate excuse to quit. I'm curious. Would you list that as the reason for your resignation? If not, then why do you need validation in order to quit?

Edited September 16, 2017 by Methodical

[Cloudednconfused]

You are here, bearing your soul, so I'd say you have matured. Recognizing that you are attracted to someone doesn't make you a bad person. It is how we handle these hurdles. You say you don't want a relationship with your boss. Good. Imagine the repercussions that follow when you get bored with him or vice visa. This is your livelihood, at least for the moment. What I don't understand is your need to know if he is attracted to you so you have a legitimate excuse to leave.

 

Back to the flirting, he has told you he is attracted to women with similar qualities that you possess. He has also mentioned opportunities to hook up with subordinates, but he hasn't because it's unprofessional. IMO, he feels a mutual attraction, but he isn't going to act on and this is his way of letting you know without being blunt.

 

 

 

 

Provided that you really don't want to pursue a relationship with your boss, and you don't want to bail on your current relationship, you need to focus on your gf. Yes, it's hard to focus, especially when there is someone that you feel attracted to, who flirts and is chummy, standing in front of you. It's new and fun and doesn't have the baggage that exists in your current relationship. Keep in mind that eventually the newness wears off in all relationships.

 

According to you, if the feelings are mutual, that gives you a legitimate excuse to quit. I'm curious. Would you list that as the reason for your resignation? If not, then why do you need validation in order to quit?

 

Thank you Methodical, I have been on a roller coaster between feeling guilty, frustrated, giddy, confused and angry all in the last 24 hours and your reply gives me hope that maybe I am not such a terrible person and might make it through this.

 

Men are so confusing, why would he even bring up the attraction to women similar to me and flirt shamelessly and then tell me that hooking up with co workers is unprofessional? What a waste of time and unnecessary confusion/frustration on both ends. I guess that is my inner crazy coming out but it is infuriating to think about (i've thought about this too) him possibly just being bored and playing with my head to pass the time.

 

The only friend I confided in about this mentioned that he may have said that to feel me out and see if my response was something along the lines of "whats so bad about that " or some other flirty "I won't tell if you won't tell" type of remark.

 

The more I think about this the more I realize that my gf and I may need professional help because the thought of working on my relationship while having to work under these conditions is downright draining. I have tried but it doesn't help that we are never on the same page communication wise and she is also going through a rut right now and is victimizing and refusing to do much in terms of getting out of it.

 

I guess that if the feelings were mutual and it was made clear to me, I would just have an "I told ya so" moment with myself and that would be my way to justify leaving the company. To avoid staying in a place where I could potentially find myself in dangerous waters because I would then know that there was a possibility he would try something and I might let him. I would not list that as my reason of resignation or tell anybody about it because quite honestly I don't feel this is a sexual harassment in the workplace type of situation. I feel like I am just as much to blame for the suggestive conversations and flirting.

 

I also feel it should be noted that I have a history of getting my way when it comes to what I refer to as "the hunt" or narrowing in on someone I like and eventually getting what I want out of the situation. So I feel that this hits a nerve because I usually know right away and this situation makes it almost impossible to know. So it's frustrating and confusing and I don't want to feel that way in my day to day at work.