Past infidelity + lifelong best friend = new drama

[mostlytogether]

Two and a half years ago, my wife and I split up because of my betrayals--not one but two affairs. To this day I am deeply ashamed of being a cheater and a liar, and I work every day to make sure I learned from my mistakes and understand what about my relationship and my character allowed me to behave so abominably.

 

About a year ago, after lots of pain and work by both of us, my wife took me back into her life. I feel so fortunate to have her give me a shot, and know it is a lifelong road ahead for me to earn her forgiveness and trust.

 

As part of our reconciliation, I agreed to cut off all contact with a number of people who had nothing whatsoever to do with my affairs, including everyone at the past jobs associated with the women, and two longtime female friends who, in my wife's vulnerable state, felt threatening to her. I still feel badly for cruelly ghosting several people with no explanation, but I believe my wife's emotional safety is a higher priority.

 

I drew the line when she demanded, on Christmas Day of the year we separated, that I cut off contact with my best and oldest friend, on the grounds that he was an enabler because I had confided my bad behavior to him. For the record, he told me it was a bad idea, but she also unearthed an old text from him, after I screwed up one time, advising me "not to be so hard on myself."

 

I told her I would not end my oldest friendship--not that I am choosing him over her but that I do not want to be with someone who forces me to make that choice. He and I have been through a lot together over 25 years; he was there for me when my father died, when my college girlfriend dumped me, etc etc, and I was there for him in his hardest times too.

 

However ever since my wife and I got back together, I go out of my way not to mention him in front of her and to only call him when she's not around, because even hearing his name throws her into a rage. At her request, I promised not to talk to him about her, or about our relationship, so aside from vaguely telling him she and I are "doing a lot better" I have honored that.

 

Now, after a year and a half of steadily improving reconciled relationship, I feel like it is long overdue that I spend some time with my best friend, who lives in another part of the country. I tried to raise this with her in the most sensitive way possible, but it immediately reignited the same thread of contempt she (rightfully) had for me in the wake of the affairs. Now she has not spoken to me in 24 hours. She has told me she wishes he would kill himself (he struggles with depression), that she hates who I am when I'm with him because we talk about "meaningless things," and that he is a threat to our relationship (he wants nothing for me but to be happy).

 

I have learned through this relationship saga that one of my own big flaws is being too passive and conflict-avoidant. (Thus my retreat into affairs, instead of dealing with my relationship problems in the past.) I am determined not to run away from this problem this time, but to address it head-on, but I honestly don't know where to begin.

Edited September 15, 2017 by mostlytogether

[NexttP]

First of all, you deserve this. None of this would happen if you just stayed faithful (or left her forever). With that said, there is a point of "too far" for her side. Yes she was justified to give you a bunch of conditions to give you another chance. Now it's her time to forgive you, once again, and let your best friend back in your life. Is a year and half long enough to prove your commitment? Well, that's for you to decide.

 

By the way, have you ever read that article about how a wife was accidentally abusing her husband? Somehow from your story I feel this might be one of those cases and it might give you some insight to how you should approach this.

[mostlytogether]

(((mind blown)))

I just googled it. I have no idea how you got from what I wrote to this, but 110% on point.

 

If the criticism --> resentment issue was the biggest issue right now I would be tempted to send her the article. But when I got home she basically threatened "write off your friend or it's over." So, bigger issues to deal with.

 

And aside from wishing she would have the epiphany described in that story, I'm not sure this helps me with that...

[carhill]

Welcome to LS. Did you and she get any professional counseling as part of your reconciliation process?

 

Would you consider it now, either as gaining some tools to resolve the current issues in a manner that promotes trust and intimacy, or at least gain some clarity on where things stand and what your boundaries are?

 

I've known a couple of couples who've reconciled after affairs, one male and one female as the offending parties, and they're now 5 to 10 years out and getting back to what is reported as the new normal. Perfect? IDK. What's perfect anyway?

 

For you, it's early times. Lots of bumps. A good psychologist can help with the bumps. If you haven't tried MC, I'd suggest at least trying it. Turn every stone and all that. It really helped me, especially in the communication and boundary areas. Up to you. Good luck!

[mostlytogether]

Thanks. That is awesome feedback. We did and I learned so much. I feel like telling everyone I know, go see a couple's therapist before you need one. Read the books about conflict and attachment theory and codependency. Understand this **** before your relationship is in trouble.

 

Unfortunately I feel like she fought the process the whole way. Refused to open up or be vulnerable, sort of got in a war of wills with our therapist, who ultimately gave up on us. I can't blame my wife one bit; why should she let herself be vulnerable when she was the one who was betrayed? I feel seriously guilty that I got a lot out of it when she couldn't. And now I'm the one saying "let's talk about our emotions" etc to her, when she still has raw hurt bubbling just below the surface. It's totally not fair to her.

[anika99]

This is the hell of infidelity. It affects so many people and relationships. When you confided in your best friend you basically brought him into your affair and made him a co-conspirator, against his will. You would have protected your friendship had you never told him, but cheaters always selfishly only think of themselves and what feels right and good for them (I mean while actively cheating and in the cheating mindset). Now your friend has become another casualty of your affair.

 

All that being said I do think perhaps your wife is being a tad unreasonable. It's not like your friend was helping you cheat and it sounds like he never approved of your cheating. Perhaps your wife feels like the only right thing for him to have done was tell her about the affair the moment you confessed it to him. I know lots of betrayed spouses feel that way but I'm not sure that's reasonable. He was your friend so it's understandable that he was loyal to you. I think if I were a betrayed spouse I would have a problem with my husband remaining friends with anyone encouraged or actively assisted, say by being an alibi, or lying on your behalf. Also any friends who are cheaters themselves who thought the affair was amusing would have to go.

 

How did your wife feel about this friend before you cheated? I don't think he is a threat to your marriage so it almost feels like your wife is vying for power here. She wants you to prove that she is the most important one to her and that you are willing to sacrafice anything for her, even your lifelong friend. I believe you will need a counsellor to help resolve this one so I hope you can get your wife to agree to some more therapy.

[mikeylo]

That's the price you pay. Its not about your friend. Its about the memories and hurt that your wife will have to go through again.

 

Choose wisely, when you can.

[road]

Logic

 

If logic ruled you would of not had an affair.

 

Your wife's logic is that this friend of yours

did not tell her about the affair hence he is

not a friend of the marriage.

 

After an affair recovery needs all people that

were not a friend of the marriage removed.

 

Now if your BW had found a string of emails

from your friend saying that the affair was

wrong, you must end it, you must tell your

wife, from when the affair started till the day

before the affair ended your friend would not

be perceived as an enemy to the family.

 

Your friend's silence spoke volumes to your

BW as to who's side he was on.

 

Affairs have consequences. Or as Arnold would

say; collateral damages. You dance and now

you complain that you have to pay the band.

 

 

 

Have you told your BW that your friend did not

support your affair?

 

That he told you to end it?

 

 

 

Your affair has made your BW take steps that

she deems necessary to recover her marriage.

This why she has made boundaries with many

people and implemented NC with them.

 

You made your BW feel very insecure. These

boundaries are there to give a feeling of security.

[Birdies]

Wow - that sucks. What a terrible situation. (This is why I didn't tell a single soul about my affair when it was going on.... didn't want to put anyone in the shoes of having to stay quiet, vs. "betray" me by informing my H.)

 

Very few people who feel a primary loyalty to the betraying party would inform the spouse. They just wouldn't. It's unreasonable of your wife to want you to cut him off for that. Would she ask the same if it were your brother? Because it sounds like he basically is a brother-like figure.

 

That said, people who have been through that kind of betrayal are not reasonable, and you can't expect her to be. BUT - I also think that if your wife has agreed to take you back, she should at least be trying to be somewhat reasonable and/or work on her side of things. Your followup post about therapy etc indicates that THIS is the bigger problem, not just in regards to your friend but overall. Refusing to be vulnerable or open up will just ensure that the pain never diminishes, and that's no way to keep a marriage. Seems like you really need to get back into therapy, either individual therapy for her or couples counseling or ideally both.

 

2 cents from someone who hasn't been in this position (my H and I mutually decided not to try to reconcile) but who has done a lot of thinking on it - so take it for what it's worth, maybe not much!

[rainy daze]

Wow - that sucks. What a terrible situation. (This is why I didn't tell a single soul about my affair when it was going on.... didn't want to put anyone in the shoes of having to stay quiet, vs. "betray" me by informing my H.)

 

Very few people who feel a primary loyalty to the betraying party would inform the spouse. They just wouldn't. It's unreasonable of your wife to want you to cut him off for that. Would she ask the same if it were your brother? Because it sounds like he basically is a brother-like figure.

 

That said, people who have been through that kind of betrayal are not reasonable, and you can't expect her to be. BUT - I also think that if your wife has agreed to take you back, she should at least be trying to be somewhat reasonable and/or work on her side of things. Your followup post about therapy etc indicates that THIS is the bigger problem, not just in regards to your friend but overall. Refusing to be vulnerable or open up will just ensure that the pain never diminishes, and that's no way to keep a marriage. Seems like you really need to get back into therapy, either individual therapy for her or couples counseling or ideally both.

 

2 cents from someone who hasn't been in this position (my H and I mutually decided not to try to reconcile) but who has done a lot of thinking on it - so take it for what it's worth, maybe not much!

 

This is for op- not the person I replied to- can't erase it!

Sorry dude- you made your bed and now you sleep in it.

I think you feel that it's over and now it's time to move on and your wife needs to just get over it too.

Selfish again- just like when you dragged your friend into it.

You have a debt to pay to her- quit your whining and pay your restitution.

Quit grovelling and just be what she needs you to be- for once.