My husband cheated on me with a swinger couple - now he has gonorrhea!

[waningmoon]

Hello everyone.

 

I'm a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. As of now, we have been married for almost 3 years. Our marriage is great and we have a regular, healthy sex life as well. We have no kids but we were planning to start our own family soon.

 

Thing is, my husband was into the swinging lifestyle when he was single for long years before we met in 2013. Well, to be exact he was mainly into the interracial cuckolding thing. My husband is black and he played with these older white women whose husbands loved to watch. I'm a white woman btw.

 

When we met and started dating, he told me about his swinger past which I was shocked about but he claimed that he wasn't interested in the swinging lifestyle anymore and he told all his contacts that he is out of it. He claimed that he was ready to settle down and be serious.

 

Years have passed, and TODAY he admitted to me that last Friday (on September 8th) he CHEATED on me one time with this older woman who is 33 (actually it was a cuckold couple to be more exact, her husband was watching). My husband lied to this said couple that I was aware of what he was doing and I have my blessing on it. HELL NO! Anyway. She has her tubes tied or so she claimed with paperwork (which we all know can be faked). My husband came in her (how freaking irresponsible!) and here is the thing: he now has GONORRHEA!

 

His symptoms showed yesterday and he went to a health clinic today. When he got home that's when he confessed. In addition my husband had unprotected sex with me this week (when he was still unaware of his condition) so it's possible that I have it too! I don't have symptoms as of now but I will go to a health clinic ASAP!

 

He apologizes, swears it will never happen again and will spend the rest of his life make it up to me, claims he has learned his lesson, and says he would totally understand if I left. I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I also don't know how to go on with our marriage. I have been so under shock all day that I couldn't even cry. I feel so confused, angry, and betrayed.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies for your circumstances.

 

I hope your tests (I'd suggest doing a complete STD panel to be sure, then schedule a followup pursuant to the latency periods of specific STD's) return negative.

 

H is a past swinger who apparently wanted another bite of the apple and deceived you. Now it's his job to work with you to affair-proof the marriage. You're not a swinger, apparently, so that's off the table.

 

The main worry I have is that he'd never had told you if not for the STD. What else hasn't he told you? Maybe nothing. Maybe a lot. IMO, drill down to any details you desire to know. Offer, and get input from him on, suggestions to rebuild trust.

 

Since you don't have children, if he's not on board with your recovery plan, now's the time to cut him loose, not after kids arrive. You're young so no rush. Five years isn't unreasonable to put this behind you and get the marriage healthy again, if that's what the plan is.

 

Good luck!

[Zenstudent]

No Kids? You are still very young, and he has shown you who he really is. This will most likely not be worth the troubles. You don't want another round of this with kids in the mix. Move on.

[merrmeade]

I HOPE you know that the just-did-it-once song and dance is old hat around here and virtually never true. Sorry. They all say they did only as much as the actual evidence demands. Hence, in your case, once because of the STD. Only takes once to get it, right? But, hey, come on. Chances are it was more than once.

 

There is absolutely no reason for you to take a liar's word for anything he's been lying about. Once that line was crossed, his word became worthless.

[Just a Guy]

Hi waningmoon, quite frankly you are on the horns of a dilemma. From what I have gleaned from the internet (I admit I have no first hand experience in the matter) the dynamic that you have mentioned in which your husband was involved in the past and to which he succumbed in the recent past is something addictive, both for the stag( your husband) and the Hotwife couple whom he obliged.

 

Your husband will always be in demand by such couples because it is kink fantasy for them. That being the case he is likely to succumb to such temptations in the future too, despite his swearing otherwise. I do not want to make this about a Black/ White dynamic do I'll just say that your husband is likely to stray in the future too and repeatedly so. That said it is up to you to decide whether you want to live with such a sword of Damocles hanging over your head. You will have to rely on your own sense of values and common sense to take a call. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

YOU are 26 and have no kids. His "lifestyle" choice is putting your whole fertility at risk here.

 

Chlamydia and gonorrhoea may be symptomless in women and both can cause pelvic infections which can totally ruin fertility.

 

YOUR husband is not faithful and has essentially gone back to his old habits and is not even using protection whilst playing away, (I guess he can't really due to the the part he plays) and he is putting your health and fertility at huge risk here.

Monogamy is not just a moral choice, there are very good reasons as regards health and the creation of a family for a couple to remain true to one another.

 

If marriage cannot change him into a faithful person, I doubt anything will.

I am sorry but I do not believe that the ONE time he stepped out he got gonorrhoea, I would guess he probably never really stopped.

 

Can you really now see him as trustworthy and, father and husband material?

[waningmoon]

Thank you so much everyone for your answers, I really appreciate all the helpful advice.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Waningmoon, something much more serious to consider is the possibility of getting AIDS with the kind of behaviour your husband is indulging in. Gonorrhoea and syphyllis are curable infections if caught in time. AIDS is not and is a death warrant. Of course there is medication with which you can continue living but would any one want to live a half life especially when one is in one's prime? Just think about it. Thought I'd add this to what I posted before. Warm wishes.

[maria76]

Hi Waningmoon, something much more serious to consider is the possibility of getting AIDS with the kind of behaviour your husband is indulging in. Gonorrhoea and syphyllis are curable infections if caught in time. AIDS is not and is a death warrant. Of course there is medication with which you can continue living but would any one want to live a half life especially when one is in one's prime? Just think about it. Thought I'd add this to what I posted before. Warm wishes.

 

Hi Waining Moon!

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your situation.

 

I'm responsible for a screening centre for HIV and sexual transmitted infections (STI's), and I have to second what Just a Guy said.

 

Your husband is engaging in behaviors that put him in a high risk group for STI's. That alone puts YOU in a high risk group. Being the subject of infidelity puts you in this group and adds to the risk.

 

From your words, it seems like you have linked the transmission of the disease with his ejaculation inside her, and that's actually not correct. The only thing required to catch it is contact. Any contact whatsoever.

 

Please be aware that most tests that detect these kind of infections have a window period. That means that dependind on that window period, the test will give you an indication of how you (or your hunband...) were at some point in the past. If the test has a three month window, it means that three months ago you had the infection. It says nothing of your current situation.

Same for the absense of other infections... It tells you about their absense at some point IN THE PAST. You have to repeat the tests and engage in (very) safe practices (or abstinence, if you can manage that...) in the meantime to make sure you haven't contracted it during that window period.

 

Having a STI is also a high risk factor for contracting HIV. That's why we ALWAYS advise someone who has tested positive for a STI to get tested for HIV.

 

So, as it stands, you are in a high risk group for HIV for several reasons:

-Because your partner is engaging in high risk practices

-Because he's not using any protection

-Because he's already infected with an STI

 

Please, please, please, go talk to someone who can advise you on how to procede and get screened ASAP.

 

If there's anything you need to know, the sooner you know, the better the prognosis. Most of these infections are easily cured (for instance, to cure syphylis early on it only requires penicillin... but if you wait too long, not only do you increase the risk of HIV but the complications could be severe).

 

As for HIV, the pharmacological advances in this area have been huge and for most people, it's not a death warrant anymore. But it's still a chronic disease that significantly decreases your quality of life and has severely extreme and life threatning complications.

 

I want you to know that there's prophylaxy you can take to protect you from catching HIV should you come in contact with it. But again, time is of the essence. The sooner, the better, and after some time it's useless.

 

You are so young... You have so much life ahead of you. This is YOUR health... it's YOUR life, and the life of those close to you. Do not take this lightly.

[l8estnews]

Well, practically everyone already said what I have in mind, but just to put a little push, I'll have my say on it as well:

 

FACTS:

 

Good:

 

- You are Young (way too young to settle for this)

- No kids yet

 

Bad:

- You married a person who loves engaging sex with random people

- He engages in unprotected sex

- He is 37 years old (not bad in general but bad for him since he chose to screw this marriage just for sex.)

 

Final Thoughts:

 

- In this situation, I really suggest that you use your head and not your heart. You WILL love again. He is NOT your soulmate. There is no such thing. Find a guy who can respect your marriage. This old guy isn't that one.

 

 

This will definitely be my option. But this is your life.

[elaine567]

I missed the fact he is 37 years old...

NO you cannot teach an old dog new tricks and he will have this interracial cuckolding fetish and the swinging lifestyle hard wired by now.

YOU cannot change him and you would be stupid and very naive to even try.

 

Hopefully you are NOT already pregnant so you can walk away completely free.

[BTDT2012]

Get a full STD panel. I am so sorry that you have been betrayed like this.

[merrmeade]

Well, practically everyone already said what I have in mind, but just to put a little push, I'll have my say on it as well:

 

FACTS:

 

Good:

 

- You are Young (way too young to settle for this)

- No kids yet

 

Bad:

- You married a person who loves engaging sex with random people

- He engages in unprotected sex

- He is 37 years old (not bad in general but bad for him since he chose to screw this marriage just for sex.)

Wow. Just WOW. I'll bet I'm not the only one realizing that his infidelity is the least of your worries at the moment. I hope you realize this and are raging mad at him but more important, taking immediate steps to get and follow through with medical help. I'm so sorry.

[TunaCat]

It all boils down to two things:

 

1. He cheated on you.

2. He had unprotected sex & he got an STD & he put your health at risk.

 

Bottom line, you deserve so much better than this guy.

[merrmeade]

Hi Waining Moon!

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your situation.

 

I'm responsible for a screening centre for HIV and sexual transmitted infections (STI's), and I have to second what Just a Guy said.

 

Your husband is engaging in behaviors that put him in a high risk group for STI's. That alone puts YOU in a high risk group. Being the subject of infidelity puts you in this group and adds to the risk.

 

From your words, it seems like you have linked the transmission of the disease with his ejaculation inside her, and that's actually not correct. The only thing required to catch it is contact. Any contact whatsoever.

 

Please be aware that most tests that detect these kind of infections have a window period. That means that dependind on that window period, the test will give you an indication of how you (or your hunband...) were at some point in the past. If the test has a three month window, it means that three months ago you had the infection. It says nothing of your current situation.

Same for the absense of other infections... It tells you about their absense at some point IN THE PAST. You have to repeat the tests and engage in (very) safe practices (or abstinence, if you can manage that...) in the meantime to make sure you haven't contracted it during that window period.

 

Having a STI is also a high risk factor for contracting HIV. That's why we ALWAYS advise someone who has tested positive for a STI to get tested for HIV.

 

So, as it stands, you are in a high risk group for HIV for several reasons:

-Because your partner is engaging in high risk practices

-Because he's not using any protection

-Because he's already infected with an STI

 

Please, please, please, go talk to someone who can advise you on how to procede and get screened ASAP.

 

If there's anything you need to know, the sooner you know, the better the prognosis. Most of these infections are easily cured (for instance, to cure syphylis early on it only requires penicillin... but if you wait too long, not only do you increase the risk of HIV but the complications could be severe).

 

As for HIV, the pharmacological advances in this area have been huge and for most people, it's not a death warrant anymore. But it's still a chronic disease that significantly decreases your quality of life and has severely extreme and life threatning complications.

 

I want you to know that there's prophylaxy you can take to protect you from catching HIV should you come in contact with it. But again, time is of the essence. The sooner, the better, and after some time it's useless.

 

You are so young... You have so much life ahead of you. This is YOUR health... it's YOUR life, and the life of those close to you. Do not take this lightly.

I meant to quote/highlight this post earlier. It can't get more sobering than this.

[harrybrown]

how would he feel if you had an affair?

 

he is not over his swinging days.

 

Stds are horrible.

 

Good thing you are not pregnant right now.

 

are you sure you can stay with this? He could have many "relapses".

[usa1ah]

Hello everyone.

 

I'm a 26 years old woman married to a 37 years old man. As of now, we have been married for almost 3 years. Our marriage is great and we have a regular, healthy sex life as well. We have no kids but we were planning to start our own family soon.

 

Thing is, my husband was into the swinging lifestyle when he was single for long years before we met in 2013. Well, to be exact he was mainly into the interracial cuckolding thing. My husband is black and he played with these older white women whose husbands loved to watch. I'm a white woman btw.

 

When we met and started dating, he told me about his swinger past which I was shocked about but he claimed that he wasn't interested in the swinging lifestyle anymore and he told all his contacts that he is out of it. He claimed that he was ready to settle down and be serious.

 

Years have passed, and TODAY he admitted to me that last Friday (on September 8th) he CHEATED on me one time with this older woman who is 33 (actually it was a cuckold couple to be more exact, her husband was watching). My husband lied to this said couple that I was aware of what he was doing and I have my blessing on it. HELL NO! Anyway. She has her tubes tied or so she claimed with paperwork (which we all know can be faked). My husband came in her (how freaking irresponsible!) and here is the thing: he now has GONORRHEA!

 

His symptoms showed yesterday and he went to a health clinic today. When he got home that's when he confessed. In addition my husband had unprotected sex with me this week (when he was still unaware of his condition) so it's possible that I have it too! I don't have symptoms as of now but I will go to a health clinic ASAP!

 

He apologizes, swears it will never happen again and will spend the rest of his life make it up to me, claims he has learned his lesson, and says he would totally understand if I left. I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I also don't know how to go on with our marriage. I have been so under shock all day that I couldn't even cry. I feel so confused, angry, and betrayed.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

Why stay with someone that can do this to you?

 

He is not the man you thought he way. He has lied and cheated on you with in the first three to four years of your marriage. Do you really want to have kids with a man that is capable of doing what your husband has done. If you have a boy, would you be ok with him going around screwing married women like your husband has and still does. And yes your husband will tell your son about his past when he thinks he is old enough. When I was younger this is what I did.

 

Best wishes but I think you really need to find someone else.