HJW001 Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Hi all, i'll start from the outset that I probably already know the answer, but just wanted to hear peoples thoughts. It started in July last year, a friend of my (then) wife told me she had a crush on me, so me being with a wife for nearly 13 years I didn't feel loved or appreciated (I know that's no excuse to cheat), so I took the advances of this woman (who was also married, but found out later on she had an open relationship) so we were going well, but then I started to get the guilts after a few months, and suggested I need to tell someone about it all, she freaked out and worried but I pushed it down because I fell for this girl, and to my suprise she told me it was a bit of fun to start with then she told me she had fallen in love with me, and of course I already had so this went on until October (hundreds of snapchats a day pics and texts - still saved), phone calls, her telling me she loves me so much and can't wait for us to be together, how i have shown her love that she hasn't had before, etc when I told my wife that I didn't feel the same about her anymore (didn't mention the affair) and we separated, so me and this other girl continued for a through till August this year but she had become a bit more distant (but constantly told me she loved me, and I put it down to her husband telling her he wanted out of her own marriage in May) so I was there for her, but then August came and I said I felt really bad and I needed to tell someone, and the next say I got a message (99.9% sure from her ex on her phone saying that he knows everything and that to leave her alone etc etc) ever since then I haven't had a message, a call, a snapchat (blocked) facebook (unfriended) no nothing, gone without a trace. I have asked a couple of her friends to find out but I still get the cold shoulder, I have tried ringing her (goes to voicemail) left a note on her car once (no reply) So I am at a loss, I know she had an open relationship and that she probably been with people while with me, but I can't help how I feel about her, so anybody give me any thoughts.....please...maybe.... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Leave her alone. If she wanted to contact you, she would find a way to contact her. Her husband found out and she is trying to save the marriage. If you care about her, respect her enough to not put added stress. Let her figure out her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Leave her alone. It's done. You made a poor decision - you trusted someone who shouldn't have been trusted. She has either gone back to her husband, moved in to someone else, or decided that she doesn't want to be with you (now that you are available). Either way, she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk to you. Time to focus on what you want for your own life, without this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Hi all, i'll start from the outset that I probably already know the answer, but just wanted to hear peoples thoughts. It started in July last year, a friend of my (then) wife told me she had a crush on me, so me being with a wife for nearly 13 years I didn't feel loved or appreciated (I know that's no excuse to cheat), so I took the advances of this woman (who was also married, but found out later on she had an open relationship) so we were going well, but then I started to get the guilts after a few months, and suggested I need to tell someone about it all, she freaked out and worried but I pushed it down because I fell for this girl, and to my suprise she told me it was a bit of fun to start with then she told me she had fallen in love with me, and of course I already had so this went on until October (hundreds of snapchats a day pics and texts - still saved), phone calls, her telling me she loves me so much and can't wait for us to be together, how i have shown her love that she hasn't had before, etc when I told my wife that I didn't feel the same about her anymore (didn't mention the affair) and we separated, so me and this other girl continued for a through till August this year but she had become a bit more distant (but constantly told me she loved me, and I put it down to her husband telling her he wanted out of her own marriage in May) so I was there for her, but then August came and I said I felt really bad and I needed to tell someone, and the next say I got a message (99.9% sure from her ex on her phone saying that he knows everything and that to leave her alone etc etc) ever since then I haven't had a message, a call, a snapchat (blocked) facebook (unfriended) no nothing, gone without a trace. I have asked a couple of her friends to find out but I still get the cold shoulder, I have tried ringing her (goes to voicemail) left a note on her car once (no reply) So I am at a loss, I know she had an open relationship and that she probably been with people while with me, but I can't help how I feel about her, so anybody give me any thoughts.....please...maybe.... Thanks You might want to consider she herself sent that msg as she is coward to discuss openly that she has moved on from you. She is in an open relationship ... her h would not mind if it's you or any of the 100 she may have been with before you or after you. Move on . Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 I'm sorry but I highly doubt her marriage was an open one. You can't really do anything but accept the fact that it's over and she does not want any contact from you. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Her husband told you to leave his wife alone. Respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Your concern shouldn't be the husband or what he wants or says. The problem here is your GF/AP hasn't reached out to you. I told my (soon to be former) MM's wife twice about our affair bc I wanted it to end. He always found ways to contact me again and we were never out of each other's lives. If she hasn't bothered to even say "hello", what's left to fight for? If she wanted to speak with you, she'd find a way. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It SUCKS. MM and I went a few weeks with no communication and I felt like I was dying. It eventually gets better. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HJW001 Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 Thanks all, I guess the hardest part is all the promises she made to my face and in text, how I was there as her marriage failed because he has found someone new and (apparent he is still living in the house until he finds another) but to go from being a crush on me to having fun to her telling me she can't wait to be with me just does my head in....I guess the main reason is I need closure, I know not talking and getting a response should be enough but to go from wanting me and a future to nothing and no explanation is just killing me When I told my ex she was obviously upset but later that day she wrote a text to this girl and said how angry, upset and disappointed she was but if we were happy then so be it, and that she needs to talk to me because I was so upset and in pain the girl wrote sorry so many times and said that it was only companionship and didn't want to upset me or hurt me (which made me even more so when I heard that) It hard because I have 3 kids I'd do anything for and now the ex wife and I share custody and she has someone new, but I just feel so stupid and ashamed because I tried to find happiness with this girl (who I still feel so much love for) and I gambled and lost, so it feels like I've lost everything and I'll never find love again. I can't see anything getting better because she was only the second girl I've been with (I'm 36) and having a wife that didn't want me to a girl that gave me everything then kick me to the curb I just feel so heart broken and lost since the 6 weeks since I last heard from her Thank Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 You threw your family away for nothing. This makes me sad 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Indeed. You gambled and you lost everything. It makes me sad too. If only you could go back in time and tell yourself to better appreciate what you had... not to trust this wolf in sheep's clothing. But, what is done is done. You live and you learn. You are young and there is every reason to think that you will love again - if you chose to do so. But next time, show a little more respect to your partner and think twice before you follow your wandering eye... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HJW001 Posted September 16, 2017 Author Share Posted September 16, 2017 Thanks, but I already know this and I already feel bed enough, but I was in an unhappy marriage but that doesn't excuse what I had done, but I had mentioned to my ex that I wasn't happy many times and I tried to change but it was all from my side, so I guess I tried to find happiness elsewhere and true love....but I gambled and I lost, but it is all still raw to me and I'm stupid enough to go to bed in tears knowing that not only have ruined my marriage, don't seem my kids as much, not have the girl that she wanted me, I just feel so empty and alone and it really hurts... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Thanks, but I already know this and I already feel bed enough, but I was in an unhappy marriage but that doesn't excuse what I had done, but I had mentioned to my ex that I wasn't happy many times and I tried to change but it was all from my side, so I guess I tried to find happiness elsewhere and true love....but I gambled and I lost, but it is all still raw to me and I'm stupid enough to go to bed in tears knowing that not only have ruined my marriage, don't seem my kids as much, not have the girl that she wanted me, I just feel so empty and alone and it really hurts... Don't beat yourself up about it.it sounds like Your marriage most likely wouldn't have worked anyway if you had been that unhappy for a while and no changes or efforts were made to fix it. It also sounds like you would've left the marriage without this OW (eventually). I'm sure being with her made it easier but it doesn't sound like you're too upset about no longer being with your wife. I'm sure you miss being a family and being with your children regularly but I guess that's just life after a divorce. You'll find happiness soon. You are going to have to work on finding that happiness though. Make a conscious effort to move on from this relationship and work on yourself. You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Focus on being the best father to your children and work on yourself. Do counseling and rebuild "you" again. Officially divorce your wife and always respect her and be on good terms as co parents. This will make it easier for the kids and their adjustment to all the changes. As for the married other woman - You got burned. Cry it out, go to the gym and beat the crap out of a punching bag for release of all the emotions going on inside of you. Don't let ruin you. When the timing is right (in the future) you'll find a great woman who is available and make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HJW001 Posted September 16, 2017 Author Share Posted September 16, 2017 I've decided I'm going to give up, she is back on Facebook now (not friends obviously) but pictures of her with her friends all dressed up looking like they have gone out......so I'm obviously an after thought now, as I sit in front of the kids trying to keep it together and not break down it just really really hurts, I've never felt anything like it ever.... It's really hard to see a future and anyone else coming along, just feels like the more I try the worse off life is getting....these kids are the only thing that keep me going sometimes and I know I have to focus on them but I don't know where to start with me.....it feels like I need someone now but I guess bottom line is it's all my own fault and there is no one else to blame Link to post Share on other sites
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