His 1 night stand is pregnant- do I give him a 2nd chance?

[busygirl5]

The bottom line: two weeks before we first met, he bumped into an ex-gf (from 10 years ago) at his hotel while on a business trip. They had a wild night together. Two months ago she informed him that she was pregnant. I need advice on whether to continue the relationship or not.

 

Prior to his learning about the pregnancy, we dated for 2 months. He suddenly stopped calling when he found out, but didn't tell me what happened. I emailed him a couple of times and each time he told me that he was in a bind that had sent him into depression and was doing a lot of soul searching. He apologized but said he needed to be alone for now. I offered my support and friendship but heard nothing back. After 2 months of not seeing him, he got in touch this week and explained it all.

 

He told me that he screwed up and apologized for messing things up. He said he really cares for me and could see that we had a future, and he's been trying to figure out what to do. He wants to start seeing me again. He wants me to think about this, and if I am still interested in him, we could discuss "options".

 

She is 42, wants to keep the baby and is 4 months along. We all live in the same city. He says he doesn't love her and won't marry her, but will support the child. He goes to Dr. appts and is spending time at her house, bringing her food, cleaning out the cat box, etc. He says that he's been staying over a few times a week, but was adamant that he sleeps on the couch (not sure I believe this). He explained that he knows she's milking it, but his lawyer told him to be agreeable to her requests & document them so that she'll be more agreeable during the discussions on visitation, child support, etc.

 

We aren't kids: I am a 38 yr old woman, and he is 40. We got along great and got along well with our respective friends. Although we hadn't dated long, I saw long-term potential (marriage, kids together, etc.) We have similar goals, interests, etc. Still, I don't know yet if he is "the one". While we dated, he was amazingly thoughtful, kind, and well mannered. I've never been married, and he's been married twice. Neither of us has kids (which was a huge plus in my book). That's rare at our age, but we both do want them.

 

He knows I have an objective to be married and start a family. Before all this, it felt like this guy was really promising. And I want kids and need to really get on it. I was one those women who was too focused on her career and haven't dated much. The few guys I dated didn't work out and finally I met someone with potential. I don't have the luxury of time to deal with the potential drama of dealing with the "baby mama" but I like the guy. And I'm nervous about dating a man that is in the middle of dealing with a pregnancy. I could really use some objective advice.

[lynnered]

is him being involved with this child going t0 take from u??

ex :does it change his on views marriage having a child(ren)wh u?

will this give u more bad times then good?

he made that choice to spend that time wh her

u should not have to sacrifice ur wants & needs for him ,

that is my main concern

& i agree as far as it (was)a good thing both of u not having children,

i am 27 no children & it is hard 2 find a man who has no kids

and i dont like him spending the night that would make me very uncomfortable

just be careful&true to ur feelings & needs

good luck

[HokeyReligions]

The way I see it is:

 

His encounter happened BEFORE you two met so its not like he lied to you or cheated or anything.

 

He cares about you and feels that you are 'promising' too.

 

When he found out about the pregnancy he did ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. Including telling you that he was in a bind and needed time to think.

 

Then, when he was ready he told you everything.

 

That sounds like a good man to me.

 

There are going to be bumps no matter what - you already know this. Well, this is the first big bump and its one that will pe part of his life (and yours) forever.

 

You have the opportunity to see how he is going to be as a father and how he handles the situations that arise. If you two get married and have your own family - your kids will have a step-brother or sister so you may have an extra kid around to take care of sometimes.

 

He cares about YOU and the the other woman was a one-night-stand - sex only, right? You have to be confident about that. Perhaps talking with him about it more and maybe even talking with him and his lawyer together will help you put your mind at ease as to why he stays the night. There are more circumstances than you can put in this post. He is going to be part of his child's life and that means that he needs to do things to legally assure himself that he will continue to have those rights. At the same time, he wants to do right by you and that put's him in the middle - it's gotta be really hard on him.

 

He had to take time himself to think about this and get his mind around it and decide what he wanted to do and what he should do. You need some time to think about it and decide too.

[933KJL]

Look, if the guy is as good as you say, give it a go. He seem supright wanting to support the kid and all, but sleeping over...I dunno about that.

 

Why not date him, see how it goes for a year--baby will be born and you can judge how he interracts with the mom and see if this is going to be a problem for you in the future.

 

You will still be young enough to start a family if you want by that time.

 

I would not make any hast decisions if you really love the guy and he loves you. It was a mistake made before you were dating so I would not hold that against him. The other consideration you need to think about is will his financial support of this child ultimately be a burden to you two if you decide to marry and have kids of your own.

[busygirl]

Thanks for your comments and advice. I decided that we would continue seeing each other and see how this goes. There a new twist: he left for a month long business trip to Asia so I have a little more time to think. We're communicating via email & phone a few times a week. So really this relationship will get going again when he returns in a couple of weeks. I told him that for us to be together I had three issues: 1. we need to communicate honestly and prioritize time together when he returns; 2. we start going to church together (to reground our relationship); and 3. get clarity on his relationship with the mother (for him, the mother, and me).

 

Although he says there isn't anything with her, he tells me he intends to call her everyday to see how the baby is doing. He said she didn't care one way or the other if they were together (yeah, right). I also learned that the have had an on & off again relationship for the last 10 yrs- they'd hook up in between relationships. There is something that keeps drawing him back, and that concerns me. According to him, she's a bit irresponsible and a heavy drinker. I told him that it seems he's sending mixed signals and he really needed to make sure that he was clear about his feelings about the mother and he clearly communicates them. I didn't tell him what to tell her, but I did say that he needs to do whatever he feels it right. But also know that I will not be sharing a man with another woman and I won't date a man who stays at another woman's house. So, he can choose to do what he thinks is right. And now he knows the consequence is that I will be choosing to remove myself from the relationship if there is more than a coparenting relationship between them. All this is dependent on him actually telling me the truth!

 

I like the idea of going to see the lawyer with him. If our relationship gets more serious, I will definitely be suggesting that. The good thing is that I have a level head, so he'd actually be better off having me there!

 

Thanks again for your comments!

[RecordProducer]

The only objective advice is that the situation is really complicated. You said you both have no kids. Well now he has one coming soon.

 

Why don't you believe him that he sleeps on the couch? He most of all doesn't want to give her hopes that he will marry her. He is trying to be nice to her as his lawyer advised him. Besides she is four months pregnant.

 

I don't know why you unconditionally believe him that this wild night happened two weeks before you met. Have you asked him about the due term of her birth? If you know it then subtract 280 days and you will get the first date of her last period. Plus 14 days. That's the date of her conception. (X/Y/2006 - 280 days + 14 days) = the day of conception (+- 2-3 days).

 

And this is important because if he lied to you about the time when he slept with her and hid for two months that his ex was pregnant, you probably won't want a relationship that starts with lies. You also seem to to find it hard to trust him about his feelings for this woman.

 

Keep in mind that he will probably postpone the commitment to you for a long time just to prevent you from having a say in his co-parenting relationship with this woman. Because the more he promises commitment to you the more you will have the right to demand from him not to stay at her house, help her around te baby, etc.

 

So if you're really determined to pursue the relationship with him, you need to be (or pretend that you are) completely okay with this whole situation. One wrong move and you will scare him off. And it's easy to make many wrong moves in a mess like this. Fights may start easily and fights are those who most kill the relationship.