Oliviasmith24 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for 7.5 months and lately we've been spending all of our free time together. I've noticed myself picking him over friends and opting to spend as much time with him as I can when we aren't working or taking our classes. He makes me very happy and being with him makes me happier than going out with my friends does. Is it normal to feel guilt over this? I don't want to lose all my friends because of my relationship.
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 It's normal to want to spend as much time as possible with a partner, however, it's not necessarily healthy to cut out your friends and family. Relationships need balance and room to breathe. I'm not sure what you're feeling, but I might guess that it's not really guilt so much as it is realizing that your life is changing and you're maybe actually missing your friends. You need to find a balance between spending time quality time with your boyfriend and having a life outside of the relationship. Sit down with your boyfriend and come up with a schedule for spending time with one another that is agreeable to you both and one that allows for you each to be yourselves. The danger in spending so much time together, while it feels good right now, is that eventually one or both of you will start to feel smothered and resentment builds up, etc. Now is actually a good time to start making room for all that so that there is no misunderstanding or hurt when one of you does decide they need more "me" time. Everyone needs that once in a while. If you aren't having a good time with the friends you have, then maybe you need to get some new friends too. Maintaining your independence even while in a relationship is very important. Complete dependence on a partner is very draining for them eventually. And, like it or not, you may find that this relationship ends and if you have maintained your independence and having a life outside of the relationship, it will be a little bit easier to go back to being single again. You'll have all that to fall back on, so to speak. You don't need a man to be happy. Having a man in your life should only enhance/add to the happiness you already have for yourself. That remains constant and all yours forever if you foster it for yourself. 3
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 You don't want to lose your friends but you will. Friendships is the same as romantic relationships you need to nurture those friendships for them to live. Is your boyfriend the one wanting all of your time? If I were you I would devote one night a week to my friends, example each Friday night. Also don't forget your family in all this. You've been dating 7 months so this man is able to follow you when you visit your family. When sh&t hit the fan family is always those who pick us up from the mess.
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 I agree. I've always been the single girl wanting to go out every weekend but now that I have a boyfriend who I also consider to be a best friend, staying in and watching a movie with him always sounds better than doing what I used to do. So now that we've been in the routine of spending so much time together, I feel like I'm pushing away my friends. I still spend a lot of time with my family though and so does he.
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I agree. I've always been the single girl wanting to go out every weekend but now that I have a boyfriend who I also consider to be a best friend, staying in and watching a movie with him always sounds better than doing what I used to do. So now that we've been in the routine of spending so much time together, I feel like I'm pushing away my friends. I still spend a lot of time with my family though and so does he. You're feeling guilty for negating your own wants and needs and life. You're kinda, sorta betraying yourself not your friends . . . staying in and watching a movie with him always sounds better than doing what I used to do -- Sure, you're starting to settle down. Nothing wrong with that. But, I wouldn't go cold turkey. Sprinkle a little of your "old" life in with the "new".
The Urbanyst Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 Co-dependency is not healthy. Its nice to have a relationship, but changing your identity should never be on the table.
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 I'm not too sure they are at the "co-dependency" level yet or at least as far as we can see from this post. If one or both of them have an addiction or "issue" of some kind and they are feeding each others "issues", then we could call co-dependency. I think they are young and in love and caught up in the newness of it right now. That's typical. However, what they don't have is the benefit of experience and foresight.
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted September 15, 2017 Author Posted September 15, 2017 This is true. I am 21 and he's 22. This is my first actual relationship not including high school short-lived ones. Being with him is my favorite thing to do but I'm trying to stop myself from going down the path of only hanging out with him and losing friends over it. I also wouldn't say I'm changing my identity by not wanting to go out and party anymore. Instead I would say I'm growing up. Most of the time, if I want to hang out with friends it would consist of going out to bars and getting drunk. Just not exactly my thing anymore.
Redhead14 Posted September 15, 2017 Posted September 15, 2017 This is true. I am 21 and he's 22. This is my first actual relationship not including high school short-lived ones. Being with him is my favorite thing to do but I'm trying to stop myself from going down the path of only hanging out with him and losing friends over it. I also wouldn't say I'm changing my identity by not wanting to go out and party anymore. Instead I would say I'm growing up. Most of the time, if I want to hang out with friends it would consist of going out to bars and getting drunk. Just not exactly my thing anymore. Like I said, you're starting to settle down. That's a good thing. But, do remember how young you are and you should be living a rich, full life. Not cooped up all the time watching NetFlix. That will get old. And, most of us girls here, will tell other women that a guy who is only taking you home to watch movies and chill isn't too serious about her. But given your ages, there likely isn't much money for going out, etc. Nevertheless, if he is treating you well and you're enjoying that, do that for a while but do keep an eye on the horizon for yourself. Mix it up a little. You don't have to go to bars. There are lots of other things to do in life. Get out there. Drag his butt out too. Explore and find new things you like and can do together. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 Wanting to spend a lot of time with a boyfriend is normal. But neglecting friends is not good. Have they been asking why you never see them anymore?
bpb2017 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 This girl is in a happy relationship, prefers spending her time with her BF over friends, doesn't look back at all the old activities she did when she was single. How horrible, she's obviously doing relationships wrong because she has no problems with the guy . OP, you were single and now you're not. Do whatever feels best, if that means no longer spending as much time with old friends then that's also fine. If you take the advice from others then a year from now you'll be here writing about how great it is having your friends help you get over the breakup. 1
smackie9 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 Why not spend time with everyones friends as a group? Throw a party, invite everyone to hang out. Go to the beach, have a bonfire. There, two birds, one stone.
act00 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 I think what you're doing and feeling is really normal, and you really do have to nurture all your relationships, and sometimes that means doing things you're not really "up for" initially. We all experience this phenomenon, when you really want to, but really don't want to, but you do it, and it was just the best choice ever! Some things are just easy, and some things take work. Easy work, but when you're tired from the week and looking forward to lumping up on the sofa with your sweetie, you start getting into a funk, and slowly all your friends move on, stop inviting you, and then you realize one day all your friends are gone. You have to take time to nurture all your relationships. Maybe you're in a place in life where you don't want to hit the bars or do the things you did as a single person, and this is a normal life transition, and friendships drop and shift over life circumstances (marriage/babies/jobs), but take that effort to go out once in awhile. If you've really shifted away from some of the old things you used to do, get your friends together for something else. Invite them over for wine, food, gabbing, movies; get some lunch, hit some of the old haunts once in awhile. Don't let your guy be the only person in your life. Nurture your other relationships and just get out solo once in awhile, and bring him along as well as appropriate (not on girls' night). If this relationship is a long-term gig, you'll have lots and lots and lots of alone-time. Get out once in awhile!
Gaeta Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 This girl is in a happy relationship, prefers spending her time with her BF over friends, doesn't look back at all the old activities she did when she was single. How horrible, she's obviously doing relationships wrong because she has no problems with the guy . OP, you were single and now you're not. Do whatever feels best, if that means no longer spending as much time with old friends then that's also fine. If you take the advice from others then a year from now you'll be here writing about how great it is having your friends help you get over the breakup. People that isolate themselves in romantic relationships have extremely hard times with break ups and moving on. It's also the type of relationships that are more at risks of manipulation and abuse. It's normal at the beginning of a new relationship you like spending all of your prime-time together but after a while you need to open yourself to the world. It's better you introduce your friends to your boyfriend, that you have outings togehter, go to dinners together, etc. Your friends and family opinions are important. They love you unconditionally and have no hidden agenda. If your boyfriend treats you like **** they will point it to you.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for 7.5 months and lately we've been spending all of our free time together. I've noticed myself picking him over friends and opting to spend as much time with him as I can when we aren't working or taking our classes. He makes me very happy and being with him makes me happier than going out with my friends does. Is it normal to feel guilt over this? I don't want to lose all my friends because of my relationship. This is a simple fix. Don't spend ALL your time with your bf. You have known your friends longer than your bf, no? They are going to be there for you no matter what happens in your relationship. Why don't you include your bf with outings with your friends? 1
bpb2017 Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 People that isolate themselves in romantic relationships have extremely hard times with break ups and moving on. It's also the type of relationships that are more at risks of manipulation and abuse. It's normal at the beginning of a new relationship you like spending all of your prime-time together but after a while you need to open yourself to the world. It's better you introduce your friends to your boyfriend, that you have outings togehter, go to dinners together, etc. Your friends and family opinions are important. They love you unconditionally and have no hidden agenda. If your boyfriend treats you like **** they will point it to you. Everything you said is true but it's highlighting too many exceptions and is too risk-averse. You're assuming that the guy could be bad. I'm sure the OP is smart enough to recognise if her BF was bad in any way and the fact that she didn't mention anything probably means that he's fine. Friends DO NOT always have your best interest at heart, and I notice it more with women and their friend. I always say that a woman's biggest enemy is her best friend . I never had an ex that didn't get jealous when I was alone with her best friend and in 1 case her own sister (tbf she was right to be jealous ). Even on this LS forum you see so many threads about women self-sabotaging their relationships, it isn't hard to imagine women doing it to their friends as well. All I'm saying is that if you plan for the worst, then the worst is going to happen. You shouldn't have friends just to use them for insurance or as a bandaid. 1
Cersei Posted September 16, 2017 Posted September 16, 2017 You are young and this relationship is fun, new, and exciting. If (and I really hope it does not) the relationship were to have problems or ,heaven forbid, a break up were to happen, you will need your friends' support. So don't forget about spending time with them because one day you will need them. When I was your age I used to get so mad when my friends would ditch me for guys. When they came crawling back to me the moment they got dumped, it was hard to forget how I had been ignored for so long. 2
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