GFs kid lied and disrepected me

[Otter2569]

My GFs kid has an eating disorder. The kid is overweight and eats everything. She has lied for food, has hidden food, sneaks food and has taken risks to get food. Everything in her life revolves around food.

 

The other day she tells me that her mom gave her permission to go for ice cream (lie) then asked me if I wanted anything. I gave her money for a milkshake. Turns out the kid totally lied to me (she did not have permission) and when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it!

 

The deceptive little **** never apologized to me like her mom said she was going to. I'm disgusted by her behavior since it nothing new. It just continues. I don't even want to be around the kid.

[grays]

Ive had difficulties with overeating at times in my life. Its always a struggle, really, but through really hard work and a lot of knowledge about how food affects my body Ive been able to mostly keep it under control for the last ten years or so. Its really truly HARD.

 

Im wondering if there's more than the food issue or if you really are pissed because of her eating. I think the food thing is not a battle you're going to win. And she is, by definition, not in control of it.

[CC12]

You posted a few months ago about taking her to a therapist for this. Has she seen one yet? If not, why hasn't she? If she has, have there been any improvements?

 

I get that you're frustrated and you probably just wanted to vent, but your compassion needs some work. You've got to take it easier on this kid. I'm not sure what four-letter word you called her that was censored out in your post, but I'm sure it wasn't very nice. Don't do that.

 

She's a pre-teen, right? Having been one myself at one point, I can tell you that's a rough age. She's probably having a very hard time. She deserves your sensitivity and compassion.

 

You're taking her issues too personally. Saying that she "disrespected" you makes it sound like she purposely set out to dupe you. She probably didn't do it on purpose. She can't help herself, kind of like a puppy who can't control when it pees. It's useless to get mad about it.

 

You could also work on some of your own habits when she's around to witness them. I don't think you get to have her order milkshakes or other treats for you. You should be exhibiting healthy choices around her pretty much at all times.

 

Has she been to a doctor about this? She could have a thyroid issue or some other physical condition that results in her food issues.

 

You could also look into Overeaters Anonymous. I really think that you should look into some sort of therapy for yourself. It's hard to be around someone who can't control their habits. Maybe it would be helpful for you to attend some OA meetings to understand her better and learn better ways to live with her.

[Otter2569]

I am venting here so tend to be more uncensored but around her and her mom I am pretty calm and relaxed. This situation is just another instance of her eating disorder and poor choices / intentional deceptions to get junk food.

 

Her mom has not gotten her to a therapist yet but has called. I used this as an example of why the daughter needs to see someone ASAP.

 

There is very little junk food in the house but the kid will eat anything she can: 6 PB and J sandwiches (all natural, reduced sugar and whole wheat...). We buy a box of protein bars, the kid powers them down because they look like a candy bar. Its frustrating and I am distancing myself and limiting my interactions.

[elaine567]

I am venting here so tend to be more uncensored but around her and her mom I am pretty calm and relaxed. This situation is just another instance of her eating disorder and poor choices / intentional deceptions to get junk food.

 

Her mom has not gotten her to a therapist yet but has called. I used this as an example of why the daughter needs to see someone ASAP.

 

There is very little junk food in the house but the kid will eat anything she can: 6 PB and J sandwiches (all natural, reduced sugar and whole wheat...). We buy a box of protein bars, the kid powers them down because they look like a candy bar. Its frustrating and I am distancing myself and limiting my interactions.

 

She sounds like a very unhappy kid...

[Otter2569]

You're taking her issues too personally. Saying that she "disrespected" you makes it sound like she purposely set out to dupe you. She probably didn't do it on purpose. She can't help herself, kind of like a puppy who can't control when it pees. It's useless to get mad about it.

 

You could also work on some of your own habits when she's around to witness them. I don't think you get to have her order milkshakes or other treats for you. You should be exhibiting healthy choices around her pretty much at all times.

 

She did dupe me: lie about having permission for ice cream, ask if she could get me anything then eat it and put it back in the fridge like nothing ever happened. Or the time she wanted $ for a water and oops a Sprite came out instead...

 

Food is a very tough issue. I get that. Its everywhere, all the time and always accessible. I feel that you cant let your guard down for a second. The one time you do it gets thrown in your face (no pun intended). Its definitely a challenge.

[Otter2569]

She sounds like a very unhappy kid...

 

She doesn't have very many friends in school or in the neighborhood. She is an only child so she can be bossy, strong willed and think shes an adult.

 

IMO it seems like she always needs to be entertained and or doing something.

 

I know its not easy being a kid and especially a pre teen.

[CC12]

Its frustrating and I am distancing myself and limiting my interactions.

 

Do you mean you're limiting your interactions with the kid, or her mom? If you mean the kid, and you're living in the same house with her and/or supposed to be acting as a father-figure for this girl, then I don't think you should distance yourself. You don't really get to quit on that job just because it gets difficult. Imagine the emotional damage it could to do her if you become cold and distant toward her.

 

Now, if you're just mom's boyfriend and not much else to her, then yeah, you probably should distance yourself from this subject because it's not really your business. No offence meant by that, it's nice that you care about her, but you may just not be in the kind of position to do anything about this.

 

So now I'm curious - what's the relationship like with the kid? Are you like a stepdad or just mom's boyfriend?

[JuneL]

You talk about her like some stranger's kid. Why do you even live together? I think her mother is quite irresponsible to let move in together with you.

[knabe]

I wonder if she is a compulsive eater? Apparently if someone truly is a compulsive eater they literally cannot help but eat. She may not have intended to drink your milkshake. Still, she should have apologized.

 

I can't really relate to not being able to control myself with food, but it is apparently a documented illness. I think it's time for mom to stop pussyfooting and "calling someone." It's time for her to take her kid to the ER after her next binge and INSIST on help.

[d0nnivain]

I can understand your being upset but you are the adult & she's the kid.

 

Maybe you need to rethink the ground rules with her mother. If things are that bad & you know you can't trust her around food why didn't you suspect she was lying about having permission? It's something that could have been easily verified with the mom. Moreover, why do you think you could have trusted her with your milkshake? You know she can't resist. I mean I don't ask my dog to guard my steak.

 

Do you all exercise as a family? Maybe that will help the poor kid.

[Blanco]

Otter2569: Did you drink my milkshake?

 

Otter2569's SO's daughter: If you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's the straw, you see? Watch it. Now my straw reaches across the room, and starts to drink your milkshake. I... drink... YOUR... milkshake! I drink it up!

[RecentChange]

This isn't about being bored or simply liking food, the kid is basically an addict losing control.

 

She needs professional help.

 

Where is dad? Where are the boundaries? Where is the authority? You said she is bossy etc - why does Mom allow this?

 

Kid sounds like she lacks security. When kids (very much like animals) don't feel secure with their leader - they in turn attempt to take control. Acting like an adult, bossiness, eating disorder all point to this. How SECURE does this kid feel? Has her life been stable up to this point?

 

Eating disorders are often about control. Control to not eat (anorexia), control to binge and purge (bulemia), control to eat whatever she feels compelled to (over eating). In the end these compulsions take over - and the disorder takes control.

[Otter2569]

Now, if you're just mom's boyfriend and not much else to her, then yeah, you probably should distance yourself from this subject because it's not really your business. No offence meant by that, it's nice that you care about her, but you may just not be in the kind of position to do anything about this.

 

So now I'm curious - what's the relationship like with the kid? Are you like a stepdad or just mom's boyfriend?

 

I am the BF. We live apart and see each other several days a week.

[Otter2569]

I can understand your being upset but you are the adult & she's the kid.

 

Maybe you need to rethink the ground rules with her mother. If things are that bad & you know you can't trust her around food why didn't you suspect she was lying about having permission? It's something that could have been easily verified with the mom. Moreover, why do you think you could have trusted her with your milkshake? You know she can't resist. I mean I don't ask my dog to guard my steak.

 

Do you all exercise as a family? Maybe that will help the poor kid.

 

The daughter told me it was OK with her mom as she stood there in front of the neighbors mom who was taking them for ice cream. I hadnt been there 2 minutes when this all hit me in the face. My GF was on her way home and not there.

 

You are right - I can NOT trust the kid around food.

 

The girl hates exercise like I hate liver and onions.

[Otter2569]

This isn't about being bored or simply liking food, the kid is basically an addict losing control.

 

She needs professional help.

 

Where is dad? Where are the boundaries? Where is the authority? You said she is bossy etc - why does Mom allow this?

 

Kid sounds like she lacks security. When kids (very much like animals) don't feel secure with their leader - they in turn attempt to take control. Acting like an adult, bossiness, eating disorder all point to this. How SECURE does this kid feel? Has her life been stable up to this point?

 

Eating disorders are often about control. Control to not eat (anorexia), control to binge and purge (bulemia), control to eat whatever she feels compelled to (over eating). In the end these compulsions take over - and the disorder takes control.

 

I completely agree about the need for professional help and have said so to GF...albeit trying to be respectful.

 

Her father is pretty much absent in her life. Lives many states away, doesn't provide emotional or financial support. Takes her for a few weeks in the summer and that's it.

 

I take the daughters control and attitude as a me coming between her and her mom...thats just my take on this. The kids main focus is food, food, food and her attitude turns me off so I tend to go on dates with her mom versus including all of us as I did early on.

 

I like your perspective. Obviously I wish we all get got along without issue but this the hand we are dealt.

[Blanco]

I take the daughters control and attitude as a me coming between her and her mom...thats just my take on this. The kids main focus is food, food, food and her attitude turns me off so I tend to go on dates with her mom versus including all of us as I did early on.

 

Hold on there, buddy. I've dated a single mom who had a kid that was... challenging, and I definitely had my "I'm gonna pull out my hair so I don't lose it" moments with her.

 

However, she's still young enough where I think she needs the benefit of the doubt and some guidance from MOM. It almost sounds like her mom is taking a hands-off approach with this, which isn't going to be an effective long-term solution.

 

As for your role in this, I will say that your first sentence is really at odds with the second one. So you think the kid is acting out because she thinks you're coming between her and her mom and your solution is to... exclude her from activities you and her mom embark on?

[basil67]

People who have eating disorders DO lie and manipulate. Those who overeat may hide what they eat and those with anorexia will pretend that they have eaten. It's all part of the disease. I think it's incredibly sad that you're calling the child a liar when in fact she's in the grip of a disease which is currently out of control.

 

What diagnostic tests has her paediatrican run so far?

[Otter2569]

...I think she needs the benefit of the doubt and some guidance from MOM. It almost sounds like her mom is taking a hands-off approach with this, which isn't going to be an effective long-term solution.

 

As for your role in this, I will say that your first sentence is really at odds with the second one. So you think the kid is acting out because she thinks you're coming between her and her mom and your solution is to... exclude her from activities you and her mom embark on?

 

Mom buys healthy food, talks about portions, talks about making good choices, encourages her to make friends, signs her up for sports and we do do things together. Personally I think professional help is needed.

 

We have a mix of family time and date time. The kid has been moody, emotional and more out spoken in the last few months so I am pulling back trying to understand what is going on. Yes pre teen hormones to which I have NO experience.

 

I could make a dozen posts about including the daughter and how she ruined our time together. If quality time doesnt include junk food (or if it involves exercise like walking) she doesn't want to go but we do invite her.

 

My fave is the time I got baseball tickets for us. It was a beautiful summer night. We talked about going all day. As we pull out of the house she "feels sick". So sick we cant leave her home so we don't go. 30 minutes later the kid is in her bathing suit going to meet her friend at the pool

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like she prefers the company of food to the company of you and it's no wonder why if she senses your disgust towards her.

 

Kids can often have a sixth sense when it comes to picking up on people.

[beatcuff]

teen children are faced with challenges. challenges they have never experienced. some make good decisions others do not. even then did they do so because of a good decision tree or luck? worse we often only see the result not the process. now add our (adult) frustration because it seems so easy to us, that we miss or more likely misinterpret what we see:

... when I got back home half of my milk shake was gone - she drank it!...deceptive little **** ...

that is NOT an act of deception. that is a blatant 'HELLO'. as a coach of girls high school ice hockey team: i have been 'confronted' with cutters and one nuclear meltdown... this CHILD is doing her best, in her not yet developed mind, to tell her mom and you something is VERY wrong.

 

it is time to take action: as in professional help from a person experienced in teen behavior issues. do not ignore her pleads.

[elaine567]

I guess by his other thread the OP is getting bored by this relationship, and the kid is just another excuse for his growing dissatisfaction.

[Blanco]

Dating someone with kids means it's a package deal. I empathize with your frustrations dealing with a difficult child, but again, I think there are some deeper issues at play here not being addressed.

 

Regardless of how good a parent is, there is always somewhat of a void if the other parent is completely absent from a child's life. Children might be more possessive of that lone parent because there's already this scarcity mentality, whether they are aware of it or not.

 

Now add in that mom is dating a guy who doesn't seem to like her all that much, and well, it's not shocking that she is having a rough go of it.

 

Young and adolescent children are not accessories or throw-ins. They're a vital part of the deal when you date a parent, and it's not for everyone. I think you need to decide where your intentions are long-term.

[RecentChange]

Again, it's not about food, it's about insecurity.

 

Where were they living before they moved in with you? What had her life looked like up to that point? How much structure and sense of security has mom been providing?

 

This isn't about portion control or healthy habits - the underlying cause for the behavior needs to be addressed. She doesn't do this because she is hungry, it's because she feels like her life is instable.

 

Moving in with "new dude" when it sounds like neither of you particularly like each other is HARD.

 

Why did they move in? What's the end goal here? Marriage?

 

Honestly when kids are involved, I think the adults should think very hard before playing house - so much at stake.

[amaysngrace]

Otter doesn't live with them RC.

 

I am the BF. We live apart and see each other several days a week.