GFs kid lied and disrepected me

[basil67]

Muddy / Basil, what do you do in this situation?

 

I take it as acting out and a lack of self control ( I know its more than that now). I was raised in a "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" family where you listened to your parents or else. My MBA is in Finance and we did not have this type of situation with my kids so am clearly at a loss here.

 

A side from calling names and making accusations, please provide something meaningful that you think will better this situation for all involved.

 

Telling me that "I don't have a ****ing clue" or that "I am making it about me" is sweet but it gives me no tools to improve what so ever.

 

I did give you advice a number of posts ago, but it doesn't sound like you've followed it. Perhaps you need to remind yourself of the advice you've been given so far?

 

Repeating myself: Get a professional involved. Gain an understanding of what's going on in the child's mind and both of you take the approach according to what the professional advises. I don't know the child, so I can't tell you what action to take. However, as the mother of a child who has special needs, I can tell you that instinctive parenting doesn't work for all kids. My parenting style for that child came from books and professionals.

 

Also, when speaking about children, it's respectful to address problems by talking about the particular behaviour, not by calling the child offensive names. In short, it's a behaviour we need to address - it's not a bad child. If you tell a child they are bad (or worse - a little turd), they will believe you and it will just compound the situation. I realise that you probably didn't say this to the child's face, but your language speaks volumes about how you really feel. Don't under estimate how perceptive kids can be.

[Otter2569]

I did give you advice a number of posts ago, but it doesn't sound like you've followed it. Perhaps you need to remind yourself of the advice you've been given so far?

 

...If you tell a child they are bad (or worse - a little turd), they will believe you and it will just compound the situation. I realise that you probably didn't say this to the child's face, but your language speaks volumes about how you really feel. Don't under estimate how perceptive kids can be.

 

Thank you for reiterating.

 

I am totally up for counseling or anything to better understanding this issue. I am sure that my frustration comes through at times even though I NEVER EVER CALL HER NAMES.

 

My frustration is in how the girl treats us. She acts as if she is the alpha female. Food / eating aside she often uses tones, statements and actions that I feel are rude and disrespectful. You combine attitude, teenage emotions, bossyness and food and it can be a challenge at times to keep your cool.

 

I think there is a lot going on with this girl and professional help is needed for everyone involved to better deal with this.

 

 

Thx

[UpwardForward]

Regardless the reason for her eating or intake, she should be helped to get through this by replacing with a better way of dealing with the lack of fulfillment.

 

I continue to suggest keeping nourishing low calorie snacks for her in the refrigerator such as raw vegetables, salads, soups.

[Otter2569]

Read up on eating disorders. Join an eating disorder forum and ask questions. Learn all you can about it and possibly talk to your gf about doing family counseling (all of you go together) and also for your gf daughter to get professional help. None of this is going to get easier as time goes on if there's no outside help.

 

Thank you. I have done a lot of reading on this the last few days as well as having candid conversations with GF. This is a real challenge, I mean undoing bad habits, dealing with whatever issues are going on inside and crap food is everywhere - especially around the holidays so it requires real will power.

 

Her mom has her seeing a therapist (they have an appointment tonight actually).

 

Thank you for a real, non bull****, response!

[Otter2569]

Regardless the reason for her eating or intake, she should be helped to get through this by replacing with a better way of dealing with the lack of fulfillment.

 

I continue to suggest keeping nourishing low calorie snacks for her in the refrigerator such as raw vegetables, salads, soups.

 

I agree. Its tough because her mom usually doesn't buy crap food but there is always a party, birthday or holiday and the girl loves to bake.

 

I have noticed a lot of excess and by that I mean the girl wants to bake / bring something for "everyone". Half of which comes home as left over. For my birthday she made 3 cakes. Obviously its up to her mom (and I) to put a limit on this.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I have done a lot of reading on this the last few days as well as having candid conversations with GF. This is a real challenge, I mean undoing bad habits, dealing with whatever issues are going on inside and crap food is everywhere - especially around the holidays so it requires real will power.

 

Her mom has her seeing a therapist (they have an appointment tonight actually).

 

Thank you for a real, non bull****, response!

 

You're welcome.

 

This is a long and painful process, for her and for everybody in the household. I hope the therapy goes well and that the therapist suggests an eating disorder clinic too, not just regular therapy.

 

My friends daughter choked while eating and weeks after that she was terrified of eating and choking again so she stopped eating. Many many months (actually close to 2 years and plus a stint in an eating disorder clinic) her life is almost back to normal. what is learned can be unlearned, it just takes a lot of patience and hard work.

[startingagain15]

It's okay to lock up the food, put a lock on the fridge (her mother). I know of several people who have done this for their children with food issues. When you are gone you cannot expect her to be able to control herself. It's like putting drugs in front of an addict and telling them not to take any or you will be mad. Does you being mad outweigh the good feeling food gives her while she is eating? Certainly not. If she needs that fix it doesn't matter if it's healthy protein bars or a box of twinkies, she's going to eat them all if not checked, because chewing food and feeling full is comforting and safe.

 

I have struggled with food forever. Food makes me feel good and safe and comfortable. I've gotten better now, but I still cannot keep trigger foods in the house. It is very easy to convince myself that it's okay to eat a whole box of cookies, because I will make up for it by not eating anything tomorrow. And I'm 42 years old, a 13 year old isn't capable of controlling and rationalizing her need to have that satisfied feeling she gets from food.

[UpwardForward]

It's okay to lock up the food, put a lock on the fridge (her mother). I know of several people who have done this for their children with food issues. When you are gone you cannot expect her to be able to control herself. It's like putting drugs in front of an addict and telling them not to take any or you will be mad. Does you being mad outweigh the good feeling food gives her while she is eating? Certainly not. If she needs that fix it doesn't matter if it's healthy protein bars or a box of twinkies, she's going to eat them all if not checked, because chewing food and feeling full is comforting and safe.

 

I have struggled with food forever. Food makes me feel good and safe and comfortable. I've gotten better now, but I still cannot keep trigger foods in the house. It is very easy to convince myself that it's okay to eat a whole box of cookies, because I will make up for it by not eating anything tomorrow. And I'm 42 years old, a 13 year old isn't capable of controlling and rationalizing her need to have that satisfied feeling she gets from food.

 

It is OK to lock up food from one's self ... But not to lock or block access to food from/by others.