Any other successful women with man issues?

[tivogrrl]

My boyfriend and I have lived together nearly 6 years.

 

He has a very unstable personality and is prone to losing his temper and ranting about all the things he hates about me and his life. I think he is very insecure, but that doesn't justify his outbursts. I also think he inherited this problem from his mother, who was insane and unreasonable.

 

Thursday was my 40th birthday. He gave me nothing. Earlier this year, he had a big birthday and I threw a giant party for him at a fancy restaurant, gave him an extremely nice present (privately, not in front of everyone). He says he can't compete, so he gave me nothing. He also says I only did that for him to impress people. I did it to show him how loved he was. I asked him who he wanted to attend and invited all of his friends. It was absolutely not about me.

 

So, after no present (or card) at all for my birthday, this was supposed to be my birthday weekend. We are staying at out lakehouse, with my parents. Despite the fact that my parents are here, he blew up (not in front of them, but loud enough for them to hear) and left me here. He said, like he always does, that everything is about me, nothing is ever about him, and he never gets to do anything he wants to do.

 

We are in therapy. He thinks therapy is all about someone being at fault. I feel like I'm being punished for being successful and generous. I make alot of money, but I have a tremendous amount of stress. I spend alot of money on our life. It isn't always easy. I wanted to go today, in fact, to look at new vehicles, which I was going to buy for him. I don't say it that way. I say "we" are going to buy X or Y, but I pay the bill. I never throw this in his face and I refer to our possessions, our homes, etc. as "ours".

 

I'm venting because I'm sitting here alone, birthday wrecked, knowing he is going out on the town and complaining about me.

 

I'm not expecting alot of help here. However, I am wondering if any other successful women have ever had these issues and, more importantly, solved them.

[Outcast]

You solve issues like this by losing the bad-tempered, sulky, immature guy.

[Tony T]

"We are in therapy. He thinks therapy is all about someone being at fault."

 

No, actually, therapy is for couples who have a remote chance of working things out and getting back on the same page. Not only are the two of you not on the same page, but there is little hope you can ever be in the same book.

 

Though your post is bizarre enough to have been written by a troll, I respect that it is possibly legitimate. I hope that you will garner enough self esteem and love for yourself that you will know you deserve so much better than this.

 

Best wishes for a very Happy Birthday without the scumbag!

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Tony T

"We are in therapy. He thinks therapy is all about someone being at fault."

 

No, actually, therapy is for couples who have a remote chance of working things out and getting back on the same page. Not only are the two of you not on the same page, but there is little hope you can ever be in the same book.

 

Though your post is bizarre enough to have been written by a troll, I respect that it is possibly legitimate. I hope that you will garner enough self esteem and love for yourself that you will know you deserve so much better than this.

 

Best wishes for a very Happy Birthday without the scumbag!

 

I don't see where this is bizarre. This is a common problem in relationships. Could it be a troll? Yeah but so could any post on this board.

[Woggle]

Do you like younger men? If so dump him and get with me. I always wanted to be with an older woman. I am also very successful and I am a calm person even though I never bite my tounge. This guy sounds liek psycho. I lived with a woman who screamed all the time and acted like a maniac and I umped her. I remember looking at my next door neighbors ashamed after a screaming match. We lived in an apartment at the time and I know they heard it. Try me out. I bet I act more mature than your boyfriend even if I am younger.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Woggle

I lived with a woman who screamed all the time and acted like a maniac and I umped her.

 

What's umping?

 

He sounds like a real jerk! Don't put up with his behaviour! You deserve a man who will treat you well and love you, without all that bulls***.

 

He is selfish, mean and seems he's only interested in making you feel bad about you.

 

Make a list. Write down ALL the good this man bring to your life. His positive qualities....

Now do another list, except write down all the negatives.

 

Compare the lists....How much does the bad outweigh the good?? Is he worth fighting for and putting energy into? Can you see him changing his ways? To become more of a loving and kind person? Only you can answer these...

[Woggle]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

What's umping?

 

He sounds like a real jerk! Don't put up with his behaviour! You deserve a man who will treat you well and love you, without all that bulls***.

 

He is selfish, mean and seems he's only interested in making you feel bad about you.

 

Make a list. Write down ALL the good this man bring to your life. His positive qualities....

Now do another list, except write down all the negatives.

 

Compare the lists....How much does the bad outweigh the good?? Is he worth fighting for and putting energy into? Can you see him changing his ways? To become more of a loving and kind person? Only you can answer these...

 

I meant to type dumping. I dumped her because she probably should be in a looney bin.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Woggle

 

 

I meant to type dumping. I dumped her because she probably should be in a looney bin.

 

I know silly! I was trying to be funny. You made me laugh, that's all...

[tivogrrl]

Thanks for the responses.

 

No, I'm not a troll. I looked up this board last night, after I was left alone. A troll would have to make up my life that that would be a toughie.

 

I realize therapy isn't about fault. He doesn't. All he hears is fault. I said my feelings were hurt over my birthday, though I was trying not to feel that way because I know he loves me, and I got a big tirade about how his birthday wasn't so great and I could take the present I gave him and shove it up my a$$, etc.

 

I just wondered whether there were any other women who experienced this feeling. I feel I am punished for the good things I do. The more money I make, the more he tears me down. I spent over $8.000 on his birthday, between the party and the gift (I have never told him that specifically) and he complains about it. He finds ulterior motives in every good deed that I do. Yesterday, as I was putting on my makeup, he asked if I had a "hot date" and then said "No, I couldn't be that lucky."

 

Anyway, thanks again for the responses.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by tivogrrl

My boyfriend and I have lived together nearly 6 years.

 

Ouch.. Without a proposal.... It is about control

 

He has a very unstable personality and is prone to losing his temper and ranting about all the things he hates about me and his life. I think he is very insecure, but that doesn't justify his outbursts. I also think he inherited this problem from his mother, who was insane and unreasonable.

 

Ouch.. Very telling... Abusive .. more control beavior

 

Thursday was my 40th birthday. He gave me nothing.

 

Triple ouch.. dump this loser.. What an as* .. Again more control behavior

 

 

We are in therapy.

 

skip the therapy.. You seem fine.. Dump him

[tivogrrl]

Dear WallFly:

 

Love your nick.

 

I had a bad 8 year relationship which ended in the therapist's office. Thereafter, the therapist did the usual "you are welcome to come back on your own" and followed it with "but you really don't need it."

 

I am far from perfect, but I don't think the therapy issues are really about me. I wish they were. Then I could fix them.

 

No proposal is easily explained. Neither of us have ever been married and, truth be told, he would marry me in an instant. I'm the holdout and these outbursts are part of the reason. It's times like this that I remind myself why I am not married to this man. So, he gets a buy on that one.

 

However, the dumpage point is well-taken. I am seriously considering it. It is more complicated than merely telling him to leave, but I am seriously considering it.

 

thanks.

[whyohwhy]

I agree with everyone else that based on your posts, the problem here is not a "couples" problem. It is your bf's problem. He is angry and out of control, and takes pleasure in hurting you. As bad as things are, he still is rejecting any effort to improve them.

 

Your situation has some rough similarities to mine. I am a financially successful woman who has a bf who is on the margins financially (no investments or savings, no steady income stream). However, we have NONE of the problems you describe! We both love each other and use caring and courtesy to work through any slight issues that may come up. He is never angry at me, just always patient and loving. And funny thing, I am the same!

 

Yes, it is true, he does not shower me with expensive presents. Or really any presents, except very small ones. I have had to come with terms that this man will probably never give me a $20,000 diamond that I can use to intimidate my female acquaintances. On the balance, given how good he is to me and how happy I am with him, this is not even a sacrifice that registers on my radar screen. BTW, I also do not give him $$$ presents. Presents and gifts don't mean a lot to me, or to him. We show our love in other ways.

 

Oh yes...back to your situation. No questions your bf's behavior is atrocious, but I am also wondering a bit about yours. Is there any chance that you are using (or attempting to use) your money as a control mechanism? You spent $8,000 on his birthday, and you are planning to buy him a new vehicle? But why? It's not like these presents make him happier, right? It seems that he actually feels WORSE after the expensive gifts. I detected a trace of "I spent $8,000 so he really SHOULD be happy". This is a man who will have a hard time ever being happy, and if he ever achieves it, it will NOT be monetary gifts from you or anyone that have caused it.

 

...I refer to our possessions, our homes, etc. as "ours"...

Now this REALLY bothers me! First of all, unless you have put him on the titles (please say you haven't), then they really aren't his. For you to say so is just incorrect. You could get the same feeling of sharing by saying, "I am so happy to share my home with you". In a way, it is condescending to refer to him as a joint owner. You will have a hard time understanding this until you put yourself in his shoes.

 

Second, since I am afraid that a breakup is inevitable and essential, anything you have done to blur the reality of your sole ownership could come up in a legal action, i.e. palimony or equitable distribution of property. He'll be ing there saying he did maintenance, made payments, etc. and should be entitled to part of your property.

 

Bottom line: I speak from experience and say that the problems you describe have NOTHING to do with disparate incomes per se.

[Outcast]

I'm the holdout and these outbursts are part of the reason. It's times like this that I remind myself why I am not married to this man

 

They won't change and nor will he. Marry him and you're in for more of the same. Yes, it's harder to break up a relationship that's been going on for a long time but don't let inertia keep you in this miserable situation.

[elijahBailey]

tivogrrl, I feel for ya girl. Although dumping him might be the easiest way out like most people here say, I think you've been with him for the last 6 years for a reason. It's very difficult to understand the entire situation just from the few lines that you've posted. I don't have any solutions for you, but here are some thoughts....

 

I think, in general, women are more capable of giving, and you've demonstrated that, even beyond what most women would do. Men, in general, I think, don't care too much about the gifts and the giving. For me, what's important, is that

1. I do not feel inferior when I'm with my girl

2. she doesn't patronize me in public.... etc....

 

It's a male ego thingy, but I'm sure you know. You're already very successful, and to throw him a big party (tho it's with every good intention on your side) can be embarassing for him in public. If I were in his position, I'd feel small and I'd have preferred a low-keyed one on one candle-light dinner, away from the fanfare, away from the other people you know. Can you understand what I'm tryin' to get at? You just have to accomodate his fragile ego (which most men have, too) if you wanna stay on in this relationship. If things become a little much for you to bear, well, breaking up is always an option.

[april]

Any other successful women with man issues?

 

Happy Birthday, hun.....(belated)

You define successful like it's all about the $$$ you have. (alot of MEN do this too )

 

Please realize that yes, you ARE successful because you are confident, mature, and have good self-esteem.

 

Gawd what an a$$clown he is! He didn't even acknowledge this milestone B-Day!

 

Yeah, he's a real catch - dump him.

[Craig]

And now for something completely different. A long time ago and far, far away you were attracted to this man and he to you. Along the way something changed, maybe both of you got lazy and reverted to the comfortable rut or maybe it is something else. I don't know and my reason for writing these words are that they might assist you to do what ever it is that you might need to do. To stay or go.

 

People are similar but different and each person has a specific way of knowing that they are loved by someone else. For some people they feel loved when they are told, others by a certain touch, a certain look from their partner or actions such as an $8,000 birthday party. For example, an $8,000 birthday party wouldn't do it for me (though I would express my appreciation) but quite literally three well chosen words delivered in earnest or the lightest of touches in passing can leave me on cloud 9. God I'm a cheap date.

 

Figure out what it is that your bf needs from you to feel loved. What did you do in the beginning of your relationship that you stopped doing? Remember what makes you feel loved is going to be different from what makes him feel loved so projecting your needs onto him isn't allowed. Experiment a bit with slight deviations from what has become your normal behavior towards him and see what the results are. Keep in mind though that his way of responding to you has become a habit and it may take a while for him to begin to change back into the person you fell in love with.

 

Your bf may in fact be prone to having an "unstable personality" and "losing his temper" but he might also be extremely frustrated with his role and position in the relationship. His mother, while generally acknowledged as "insane and unreasonable" may have provided your bf with nothing more than a bad role model. In other words your bf might not have inherited his mothers traits but simply learned the undesirable behaviors from her.

 

What does he say when he loses his temper and/or rants? What triggers these tirades?

 

What does he want to do that he says he never gets to do?

 

What does your bf want from you? If you don't know then ask him. Ask him when he is calm and relaxed and be ready for answers that you never thought of. And puhlease do not make comments or pass judgment on what he tells you just listen and then thank him for telling you. If you want to hear the truth you can't train him to feel wrong when he tells you the truth. Then think about what he said. Are you giving him what he wants? Is what he wants reasonable? Can you detect frustration in his comments that might hide what he really wants from you and the relationship? Is he holding back and intentionally not telling you what he wants for some reason?

 

It may be easier and cheaper to save this relationship than you or he can imagine or maybe the best thing for you both is to go your separate ways.

 

Going your separate ways would be one way to address the immediate challenges that this relationship presents, however the behaviors that are part of both of you would likely lead to you both experiencing similar challenges in any future relationships. Sucks to be human.

 

Learning about and working through the specific behaviors (in yourself and him) that cause problems and challenges in your relationship isn't a guarantee that the relationship can be saved. If, in the end, the result is that you split up then perhaps and just perhaps, in any future relationship what you learn from this experience might very well play a significant and substantial role in your longterm happiness.

 

My 2 cents.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tivogrrl

I'm not expecting alot of help here. However, I am wondering if any other successful women have ever had these issues and, more importantly, solved them.

this is exactly the reason why successful females want to be with men who are as successful or more successful than them....a mismatch in socio economic scale between lovers can cause a big problem, especially when thewoman is much more successful.

 

there is not much u can do. if you have so much money why not set him up in a business or something so that he can get some self esttem and make some $$$.

[april]

Originally posted by alphamale

this is exactly the reason why successful females want to be with men who are as successful or more successful than them....a mismatch in socio economic scale between lovers can cause a big problem, especially when thewoman is much more successful.

 

there is not much u can do. if you have so much money why not set him up in a business or something so that he can get some self esttem and make some $$$.

Look Alpha....he did NOT have a 40th birthday celebration for her...in my books that's a deal breaker.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by april

Look Alpha....he did NOT have a 40th birthday celebration for her...in my books that's a deal breaker.

 

By the way April... Nice ankles..

[april]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

By the way April... Nice ankles..

Thanks sweetie...they take the emphasis off my size 9 1/2 shoe size.

 

I've got rather big feet for a chick who's only 5'5"

[tivogrrl]

Once again, thank you for your replies. Believe it or not, they do give me something to think about and some strength.

 

I want to address WhyohWhy's comments re: money as a control mechanism. The way I see it, here are my choices: keep my finances separate and refer to things as "mine", which isn't really the way I think a relationship should be, or, refer to them as "ours" and mean it. I mean it. I share. I have never said to him that I spent X dollars on his birthday. And I did it so he would feel elevated and loved. He is very social and loves parties and really loves impressing people. I don't.

 

I was going to pay for his new SUV because he can't. He would pick it out and I would put it in his name and that would be the end of it, because it is our money. The End.

 

He hasn't called. I know he is sitting in a bar because that is what he likes to do. As I said, he is very social. He needs to be around people. I am enjoying my alone time, quite frankly.

 

I fear that a frank discussion about dividing our stuff will enrage him. So be it. He makes idle threats. I don't. So, anyway, we shall see.

 

Thank you for all of your advice, once again.

[tivogrrl]

Also, I just found out from my best friend (who he keeps me away from, also a successful woman) that she has been calling him for a month, trying to schedule a birthday celebration and he wouldn't return her calls. She called Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of last week and he didn't call back.

 

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS CALL BACK

 

I think, on some level, he didn't do that because it would kill him to see anybody celebrating my existence. He complains that our world is "all about me" and nothing is about him. Bleh.

 

I am successful, but not obnoxious. I honor him in public and in private. I have earned my way and continue to do so. I will not be punished for that which I have earned.

 

Anyway, thanks again.

[New_Wife]

Why isn't he successful? Anyone can be successful if they put their mind and effort to it. It doesn't have to be about the money - a person could be successful if he or she got by alright and enjoyed what he/she was doing.

 

My husband does NOT enjoy what he is doing. So he is going back to school part time (college) to find something else. He's putting in the effort to get to where he wants to be - to me, he's already successful for that alone. That's the rub though. Whining alone never made anyone successful.

 

It doesn't sound to me like your success is the issue. It sounds to me like his insecurity and behavior is. If you're getting nothing but frustration from the relationship, and therapy isn't helping, what more do you need to know?

[Sal Paradise]

Why isn't he successful? Anyone can be successful if they put their mind and effort to it. It doesn't have to be about the money - a person could be successful if he or she got by alright and enjoyed what he/she was doing.

 

Many people judge success by the amount of money they make. He is probably one of them. She may be as well.

[Woggle]

Success isn't money alone but it helps to have financial security. I love what I do and I want to start my own business pretty soon.