Any other successful women with man issues?

[tivogrrl]

You folks assume alot.

 

Money is just money. Success is alot of things.

 

For some reason, if you talk about money, you appear to be materialistic. I'm not. But I'm ambitious.

 

You all have that part all wrong.

[Daybyday]

Originally posted by tivogrrl

You folks assume alot.

 

Money is just money. Success is alot of things.

 

For some reason, if you talk about money, you appear to be materialistic. I'm not. But I'm ambitious.

 

You all have that part all wrong.

 

 

 

You are correct that success is a lot of things and the sad truth that "success means nothing unless you have someone to share it with" is also true (my favorite quote from Mahagony with Diana Ross )

 

Like you tivogirl when compared to my H I am more successful...but guess what....that's in his eyes....like you it never came from my mouth....however, my brother once told me that my ACTIONS said what my words didn't...in other words when you buy expensive things that you know your man can't possibly match you are telling him through your actions that you are doing this thing because you CAN and not necessarily because you love him...

 

Now don't get me wrong....some men and they have already spoken up here....would love to have you splurging your many dollars on them...they would love to be your boy toy...but it seems as though your guy does not fit this description...and so, you must do some soul searching...you must decide if it's healthy for you to continue an emotional roller coaster with an explosive, unpredictable man (I fear for your safety) who finds you and your success a cause of resentment.

 

It is a tough situation...and my H had an affair as a result of my being in my own world where everything I touched was turned to gold...my solution has been to become VERY humble...to express great value in his opinions and ideas...and to let him know that he is my King even though I didn't always treat him like it...also I make like I'm short on $$$ so that he has to pay for our dinner...buy the tickets to the show, etc... I deal with my H b/c he is so sweet and kind by nature...he has NEVER lifted a hand at me or made me feel unsafe....

 

With that said...I think it is possible to be a successful woman with a man to boot...but you've just gotta be patient and not settle for just anyone...Can you deal with that

[EndoftheRope]

I have to agree with Craig on everything. Having myself had my husband go on marriage forum and make me out to be a nutcase, I am well aware how much more there always is to the story.

 

He may be that awful, in which case it sounds like time to leave.

 

But trying to filter through it all, I would say, being a man who is effectively being cared for by his girlfriend, he may feel like a "kept-man" and despise himself AND YOU for it, which comes out in lashing out at you. The more you spend on him and lavish him with gifts, the worse it will get.

 

When he says he can't compete, I tend to believe that's EXACTLY the problem. He feels he has nothing to offer you that you can't go out and get for yourself. He knows that any party he throws is going to be a public acknowledgement that he can't provide for you what you can provide for him. He would have been ashamed by the contrast, ashamed to have it so publicly displayed.

 

I would say that by some measures, many people might consider me 'more successful' than my husband. For instance, I have far more education and earn quite a bit more per hour. I have said in other posts that I feel this may be a factor in some of the hurtful things he's said to me.

 

However, from the beginning of our marriage, I have stayed home with the kids (I work part time) and he has supported the family. Economically, it would have made more sense for me to put my degree to work. However, to MOST or possibly all men, there is an instinct and NEED to care for their families. It's an issue of pride (and I mean pride in the good sense) and self-respect. My husband (and I believe virtually all men) need to be needed and KNOW that they are needed. Had I insisted on being the breadwinner, I would have taken that from him. All the money I could have earned was not worth taking away his self-respect and his need to care for his family. 16 years later, this is one decision I have never regretted.

 

As I said, maybe he's that mean or maybe he's a very hurt, demoralized man. You would of course be in the best position to know that.

 

Good luck. I hope you'll update.

[tivogrrl]

I will gladly elaborate later, but why should I give up my hopes, dreams, ambitions in life to make some man feel good?

 

If he loves me, he loves ME. I am a gifted, ambitious woman.

 

Maybe he would love a less ambitious version of me. It isn't gonna happen.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by alphamale

this is exactly the reason why successful females want to be with men who are as successful or more successful than them....a mismatch in socio economic scale between lovers can cause a big problem, especially when thewoman is much more successful.

 

there is not much u can do. if you have so much money why not set him up in a business or something so that he can get some self esttem and make some $$$.

 

I completely agree with the first paragraph. I would never date anyone who is financially less successful than myself. It's kinda like a 6' tall-200 lbs woman with a 5'5'' 100 lbs man. I just feel that the man should be the provider, that it's more natural. And it seems that your BF feels that way too. He doesn't even appreciate you buying him a car, that much he is bothered by his position although the money was possibly one of his motivations to enter the relationship.

 

Regarding setting up business for him, he would probably waste it given his personality. You're not government's program for social assistance, you don't owe him anything.

[Jolene]

This guy sounds liek psycho.

 

Another way of saying this that may cause you to reconsider this relationship:

 

From what you describe, this individual sounds like he suffers from bi-polar mood disorder which is usually coupled with a personality disorder such as schizophrenic personality or sociopathic personality disorder.

 

The signs and symptoms are always there, but over time, the purpetrator will trust you and let his guard down and he will unleash himself completely until he is controlling you physically, emotionally, and financially. You will be lucky if you come out with the shirt on your back, and your children will witness every last vibration of his loud and explosive temper.

 

It is also hereditary. Not only did his mother likely pass it on to him, but he will produce the same defect. Do you want a lifetime of misery, chaos and destruction.

 

When a person begins to freak out on you in front of parents and family, it should mark the first sign of a very destructive relationship. He won't think twice about abusing you in front of the children either, and you want to bet that if children's aid gets wind of that you won't see your kids again unless you leave him in the dust only to visit the kids in an access centre.

 

Get him diagnosed and on medication. Then leave him.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but if you think it is draining now, wait until you are bankrupt, emotionally drained, and you've lost everything you ever owned because of him. Meanwhile, his sudden indifference in the end will devastate you, because you didn't realize his capability to betray you with such ease. Mental illness can be a very cunning disguise, and you will meet people like this who seem charming initially but who will eventually eat you alive if you let them, because they thrive on it. Stems from childhood trauma and anger issues coupled with chemical imbalances which are claimed to be hereditary. It's a vicious cycle.

 

Consider what I have said and read some books about bi-polarism. It used to be called manic depression. There is also no cure.

[EndoftheRope]

Originally posted by tivogrrl

I will gladly elaborate later, but why should I give up my hopes, dreams, ambitions in life to make some man feel good?

 

If he loves me, he loves ME. I am a gifted, ambitious woman.

 

Maybe he would love a less ambitious version of me. It isn't gonna happen.

 

I don't think it requires giving up your hopes, dreams, and ambitions, because, honestly, was it ever your hope, dream, and ambition to support a grown man?

 

Once again, he may just have a mean streak, he may be bipolar as someone else suggested, in which case nothing said here is going to help you.

 

But IF the problem is the difference in income, it's not a matter of giving up anything to make him feel good. It's a matter of him FEELING (even though it may not be true and you may not intend it that way) that you are rubbing his nose in it with the lavish gifts.

 

The way I see it, if he's just that mean, there's not much YOU can do: put up with it or leave. If he's bipolar, there's not much you can do: discuss possible treatment for it and decide whether to stick out a rough ride or leave.

 

But if the problem is that he feels emasculated, there IS something you can do. You can stop the lavishing treatment. In a sense, you're right-- it's not your job to 'make him feel good.' On the other hand, you (like everyone in a relationship) would like him to treat you in ways that make YOU feel good (for instance, throwing you a party). IF lavishing him with gifts is the problem and IF you don't change, then the relationship is not going to change.

 

These are all things you need to decide.

[EndoftheRope]

And a side note: I don't feel in the least as if I gave up my hopes and dreams by staying home with the kids. I have been happy to let him support us both because it gives him the self respect he needs AND because it gives me time to pursue my hopes and dreams!

 

But you certainly don't have to quit your job or curtail your ambition. All you really need to do, if he's a half-way reasonable man capable of dealing with a successful woman (and of course you know that better than anyone here) is not GIVE him so much. Quit giving him expensive presents. Step back and let him figure out how to get his own car or set up his own business.

 

Best of luck to you.

[tivogrrl]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

I wish I believed this were merely a matter of income discrepancy. I also wish I believed that I could fix it myself by just changing my own ways. I don't believe any of that.

 

First, regardless of the reason for the conflict, he doesn't handle conflict in an adult manner. He gets mad, calls me names, does alot of very inappropriate things. Second, he literally seeks out things to be upset about. I think perhaps there is a reason this 50 year old man has had a series of longterm girlfriends but no marriages. I hear an endless stream of complaints, the substance of which may range from "and then you went to WALMART (ooooohhhhh.) to and your PARENTS parked in the driveway (so?) to just any little thing, even if it isn't really grounds for complaint. All charges are listed as though I'm a defendant at the Salem Witch Trials.

 

Third, emasculated or not, he certainly likes to show off. I am not a flashy person. He loves to run around town telling everyone what we bought, how much it cost and so on. Awhile back, he discovered a very sizeable sum of cash in the safe. A week later, one of his coworkers made reference to it and to the amount. I was mortified. Who tells people you have money in your house?

 

He basically doesn't like the fact that I am always moving forward, always thinking of ways to improve my business, always working on some big project. He feels controlled when I ask him to do anything, so I don't ask. He accuses me of being controlling and mentally abusive.

 

As I said before, his mother, who I never met, was insane and mean, by all accounts. I have heard stories about things she did out of spite and hatefulness. He definitely inherited his mother's inability to know when to stop.

 

I don't call people names, even if I'm mad or hate them. I'm not perfect, but namecalling was wrong in second grade and it's still wrong.

 

I'm working on an exit strategy. It's a hard decision to give up on someone and I know it will be very hard to convince him I'm serious. He says alot of things he doesn't mean (like threatening to leave me whenever he gets mad about anything) so he doesn't realize that I try to only say what I mean.

 

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. They have given me alot to consider.

[EndoftheRope]

Judging by this additional information (and of course remembering for myself as I speak that I know only one side of the story), it sounds like he's just mean and immature. So the whole discussion of whether he can deal with a successful woman was really a red herring.

 

I am curious, if this behavior of his is routine, why you stay with him?

[wizdom]

Here's my take on it. He is jealous, insecure, and just a plain old dick to not appreciate what it seems like someone taking care of him and loving him enough to plan a party for him. I don't think he love you because love doesn't tear someone they love down. I think he resents you for making more money than he does and for you not needing to depend on him for anything. I honestly think the outburst and his tearing you down is a control issue. He needs something to control you so he yells.

 

This is just my take but you guys aren't even married so what are you going to couseling for? If your going to couseling now what to you think your marriage would be like. you need to get rid of him because he is only going to bring you down because it seems to me he is not happy with his life.