Why is it a deal breaker for so many women if a man does not have a social circle?

[cyphorX]

Now let me first say this, I don't like people much, I can like a person I can even love a person, but people not so much, so I keep my social circle extremely small. My Ideal life would be a wife or longterm girlfriend and maybe one friend. But that's seems to be a redflag for some of the women I have met in recent years, even when we get along great they seem to not like that I am a loner. even though I let them into my life and hide nothing. To me being a loner should be a benefit as any potential partner would not have to compete with others for my attention.

[ZayKayWill]

If I had to guess I would probably say they see it as a red flag in the sense that, "This guy is a creeper why don't people want to be his friend? There's gotta be something wrong with him." But you're right for the most part people really only need like 2 or 3 close friends they can count on. I personally have quite a bit more than that but we don't talk very often... maybe a few times every fee months.

 

If you say you only have one close friend, IMO, that should be fine. Maybe perhaps tell your future gfs that you just prefer it that way? It's not like you don't have the ability to make friends...you just choose not to. Nothing wrong with that. Honestly having too big a social circle can be stressful. Always having people texting you, wanting favors and feeling bad if you don't follow through..it really can be pretty overwhelming.

[knabe]

There are 2 reasons. 1st, a lack of any social connections often indicates a lack of social awareness, emotional intelligence, and a good amount of social awkwardness. 2nd, if I am going to be a man's only social outlet, or only social outlet with the exception of one friend, that's a whole lot of pressure. I am basically completely responsible for every bit of his happiness. That isn't fair to do to 1 person.

[Redhead14]

Now let me first say this, I don't like people much, I can like a person I can even love a person, but people not so much, so I keep my social circle extremely small. My Ideal life would be a wife or longterm girlfriend and maybe one friend. But that's seems to be a redflag for some of the women I have met in recent years, even when we get along great they seem to not like that I am a loner. even though I let them into my life and hide nothing. To me being a loner should be a benefit as any potential partner would not have to compete with others for my attention.

 

Loners, often, by the nature of that itself, are often lacking in social experience and don't have a lot to talk about, or conversation topics are limited to their life history, politics, etc., sometimes kinda boring. Women like to go out usually. Not stay in too often. Loners also don't usually have much relationship experience -- so how can they maintain a relationship properly?

 

Whether these things are true for you or not, it's something that rings a bell for some women.

 

I myself like a lot of alone time and I have an SO who does too. It works for us. But, we are also a lot older, I'm 58 and he's 64. We see each other a couple of times a week, do things on the weekends sometimes when there's something fun to do, we go on vacations but we are home a lot by ourselves too. I have things I do by myself that I love doing and do does he. We were both married before, I was engaged in between my divorce and now (he passed away), but we both know what a relationship should look like and how to maintain the relationship.

 

My point is, you just need to find a woman who is more like you are, that's all. Maybe that pool is a little limited, but if you find the right fit, it's worth the wait.

[Gaeta]

It depends how old you are.

 

Social circle is important to younger people, when you get to a certain age not so much. My boyfriend and I are both 50. We both have a very small social circle we can count on 1 hand and we're perfectly happy with that.

 

Now, having a small circle of friends is different than being anti-social. We are both very social, we love getting out and be in a crowd, we talk to everyone around, we attend all bbq, dinner, birthdays invitations coming our way.

 

If my bf was anti-social and I had to fight with him to attend a simple family dinner, or a simple night at a festival, it wouldn't work between us.

[cyphorX]

There are 2 reasons. 1st, a lack of any social connections often indicates a lack of social awareness, emotional intelligence, and a good amount of social awkwardness. 2nd, if I am going to be a man's only social outlet, or only social outlet with the exception of one friend, that's a whole lot of pressure. I am basically completely responsible for every bit of his happiness. That isn't fair to do to 1 person.

 

I have social awareness, and emotional intelligence, and I'm not really that awkward I just don't like being surrounded by people. I do much better one on one, but yes I can be the life of the party when I have to, I have had jobs in the past that required it, and you could not tell by looking at me that on the inside I could not wait to get the hell out of there.

[cyphorX]

Loners, often, by the nature of that itself, are often lacking in social experience and don't have a lot to talk about, or conversation topics are limited to their life history, politics, etc., sometimes kinda boring. Women like to go out usually. Not stay in too often. Loners also don't usually have much relationship experience -- so how can they maintain a relationship properly?

 

Whether these things are true for you or not, it's something that rings a bell for some women.

 

I myself like a lot of alone time and I have an SO who does too. It works for us. But, we are also a lot older, I'm 58 and he's 64. We see each other a couple of times a week, do things on the weekends sometimes when there's something fun to do, we go on vacations but we are home a lot by ourselves too. I have things I do by myself that I love doing and do does he. We were both married before, I was engaged in between my divorce and now (he passed away), but we both know what a relationship should look like and how to maintain the relationship.

 

My point is, you just need to find a woman who is more like you are, that's all. Maybe that pool is a little limited, but if you find the right fit, it's worth the wait.

 

Extremely limited, unfortunately by nature women tend to be more social than men even men who are considered to be social don't hold a candle to the average woman in juggling friends, a relationship, family work etc etc....

 

In general we put 70% of our energy into which ever of those we value most.

[Cersei]

I think the fact you have a small social circle may lead females to believe you won't want to go out and have fun. I mean it may not be the case by it may appear that way.

[Redhead14]

Extremely limited, unfortunately by nature women tend to be more social than men even men who are considered to be social don't hold a candle to the average woman in juggling friends, a relationship, family work etc etc....

 

In general we put 70% of our energy into which ever of those we value most.

 

Given the fact that you are a loner and that's the way you like it and what you are used to, if your 70% energy theory is correct -- for you, you'd likely only be giving 30% of yourself to a relationship.

[cyphorX]

Given the fact that you are a loner and that's the way you like it and what you are used to, if your 70% energy theory is correct -- for you, you'd likely only be giving 30% of yourself to a relationship.

 

Nope for me the relationship would be the 70% the rest divided among the 30% in that theory I said a guy gives 70% to what he values most. I don't get as much out of friends, relatives, work etc etc.... as I do out of a romantic relationship. not the same rush.

[basil67]

You can give reasons why you have these preferences, but those reasons won't change the views of the women who aren't interested.

 

As for me, I want a person who likes others. So, a person who doesn't have much in the way of like for others wouldn't fit the bill.

[Redhead14]

Nope for me the relationship would be the 70% the rest divided among the 30% in that theory I said a guy gives 70% to what he values most. I don't get as much out of friends, relatives, work etc etc.... as I do out of a romantic relationship. not the same rush.

 

You might find that since you are a loner that that ends up being what you value most. You may find that a typical relationship with a typical woman is smothering for you . . . women like lots of attention, comfort, reassurance, etc. You may think you can give that and probably could for a while, but you might find it difficult to maintain. That is the typical loner seeking a relationship scenario.

[road]

There are 2 reasons. 1st, a lack of any social connections often indicates a lack of social awareness, emotional intelligence, and a good amount of social awkwardness. 2nd, if I am going to be a man's only social outlet, or only social outlet with the exception of one friend, that's a whole lot of pressure. I am basically completely responsible for every bit of his happiness. That isn't fair to do to 1 person.

 

I do not see a man not having a lot of

friends has to require that his GF has

to provide full time 24/7/365 social outlet

service.

[cyphorX]

You might find that since you are a loner that that ends up being what you value most. You may find that a typical relationship with a typical woman is smothering for you . . . women like lots of attention, comfort, reassurance, etc. You may think you can give that and probably could for a while, but you might find it difficult to maintain. That is the typical loner seeking a relationship scenario.

 

Actually I get mislabeled as needy. Thats not the case though, I just tend to choose my SO over other things, say I have a girlfriend and she wants to hang out one night and my few friends wanted to hang out the same night my girlfriend would win every time.

[nospam99]

I think the fact you have a small social circle may lead females to believe you won't want to go out and have fun. I mean it may not be the case by it may appear that way.

 

One phrase in this post raised a 'red flag' for me. The implication is that it's a statement about what females want to do. When I hear the words 'go out and have fun', the mental image I get is late nights, large noisy crowds, and alcohol. Am I right? If not, what might be some of the other meanings that (in particular 50+) females are thinking about when they talk about going out and having fun?

[preraph]

It's a red flag because you will be hugely dependent on her and probably intolerant of her wanting to lead a full social life apart from you. She's feel smothered and yes, you'd be overly needy as in dependent on her.

[GemmaUK]

Actually I get mislabeled as needy. Thats not the case though, I just tend to choose my SO over other things, say I have a girlfriend and she wants to hang out one night and my few friends wanted to hang out the same night my girlfriend would win every time.

 

That right there is what I wouldn't like about it.

 

I would much rather he kept with his original plans because that means he respects his friends and also will respect me when I have previously laid out plans. He won't expect me to drop what I am doing and choose him over everything else.

[elaine567]

There are lots of people who think as you do.

The trick is not to find a woman with loads of friends and outside interests who will feel smothered by you and you in turn will feel lonely and unloved.

 

The trick is to find someone who will prioritise you as much as you will prioritise her.

Yes, you may become overly dependent on each other but maybe better that than trying and failing to find fulfilment elsewhere.

Square pegs tend to fit nicely into square holes.

[Redhead14]

Actually I get mislabeled as needy. Thats not the case though, I just tend to choose my SO over other things, say I have a girlfriend and she wants to hang out one night and my few friends wanted to hang out the same night my girlfriend would win every time.

 

 

In the very beginning, most people, even loners are kinda wrapped up in the endorphins and newness of the relationship/person. And, when you're a loner, that's going to feel especially good. And, you're pulling on the other person probably too much. That gets kinda smothering for the other person usually. And, that turns lots of people off. That's another reason that some women feel that it's a red flag when they hear the word loner -- "oh, I'm going to end up being this guy's sole source of entertainment".

 

On top of that, romantic relationships often start out like that. Both parties immerse themselves fast and they usually burn out.

 

Women are also wary of men who come on too fast and too strong. They know that "torch" blows out just as quickly as it lit up. And, in your case, if you got past a certain point, that might happen.

 

But, think of a pendulum. Until you're dating someone you really like, the pendulum is sitting in the middle - loner time. Then you are feeling the excitement of dating someone, so the pendulum swings way to the side of the relationship. And, it swings back and forth for a bit. But, over time the pendulum goes back to the middle -- it's natural resting place. It's comfort zone, if you will.

 

It's really important for you to know and understand yourself really well. You are labeling yourself as a loner. That kinda says that's just the way you are. And, that's OK. But, if you want to break out of that mold and seek a relationship, you'll need a little more well rounded life experiences so that you'll have a better understanding of how relationships should be in general. Experiencing how different people interact and how you interact with them.

 

All I'm saying is if you're used to being alone and then attempt a relationship, you need to try to strike a balance especially in the beginning. It's not a good idea to cling to a new dating partner and spend all of or such a large part of your time with her.

 

Expanding your social circle will actually help you. It may feel a little foreign and uncomfortable in the beginning, but if you push your comfort zone a little, eventually you will be able to tolerate that uncomfortability and it won't be uncomfortable anymore.

 

But, if you really feel like being a loner is what you're happiest with, then you just need to wait it out until someone comes along who is similar. There's somebody for everybody

 

Enjoy your life, the way you like it and let things go their natural course.

[TheWoman]

Perhaps loner is not the right word? I am an introvert, that means I recharge my energy by spending time on my own, or quietly, say a comfortable silence if another person is present. I find many social interactions draining, especially large groups of people and lots of small talk. I need alone time and start to feel very stressed when I do not get enough of it. I value deep conversation and relationships and have a small social circle of people who I know extremely well. Might be something worth reading about and then looking for someone similar if you think it rings a bell.

[Redhead14]

Humans as a specie, are social creatures for the most part. And, if someone is operating outside of that natural construct, it's often times because they've been hurt/injured, abandoned or shunned for some reason or another by some. And, when that's the case, they will assume that everyone can't be trusted or won't like them, etc. So, they will isolate themselves, rather than expose themselves to more of that.

 

I'm just saying, you need to reflect and consider whether or not that's the case for you. If not, great. If so, you really do need to figure all that out and reconcile for yourself that some things should be left in the past and you can get out there and try to explore more.

[K.K.]

It wouldn't be a deal breaker at all to another loner. It would be heaven on earth.

[Cersei]

One phrase in this post raised a 'red flag' for me. The implication is that it's a statement about what females want to do. When I hear the words 'go out and have fun', the mental image I get is late nights, large noisy crowds, and alcohol. Am I right? If not, what might be some of the other meanings that (in particular 50+) females are thinking about when they talk about going out and having fun?

 

That is pretty much what I was meaning. Not all young girls want to go out and party and have late nights but in my younger years that is totally what my friends and I considered a fun night out.

 

Now in my 40s? Oh no, not fun at all. But an evening out bowling, mini golfing, a bbq, bonfire with friends. That is considered a fun night out

[Redhead14]

But, think of a pendulum. Until you're dating someone you really like, the pendulum is sitting in the middle - loner time. Then you are feeling the excitement of dating someone, so the pendulum swings way to the side of the relationship. And, it swings back and forth for a bit. But, over time the pendulum goes back to the middle -- it's natural resting place. It's comfort zone, if you will.

This is the analogy for a hot/cold relationship. For men or women who find themselves in that kind of scenario and are dating a "loner", this is the "visual". Not everyone who runs hot/cold is a loner either. That happens for other "types" as well. Hot/cold is just not a good dating scenario no matter who you are dating.

[cyphorX]

In the very beginning, most people, even loners are kinda wrapped up in the endorphins and newness of the relationship/person. And, when you're a loner, that's going to feel especially good. And, you're pulling on the other person probably too much. That gets kinda smothering for the other person usually. And, that turns lots of people off. That's another reason that some women feel that it's a red flag when they hear the word loner -- "oh, I'm going to end up being this guy's sole source of entertainment".

 

On top of that, romantic relationships often start out like that. Both parties immerse themselves fast and they usually burn out.

 

There lies a big problem in most of my relationships, for me its not an endorphin rush or if it is my brain does not stop producing them after a few months. so most of my relationships start of great, stupendous, blissful.

And just when I am starting to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship and thinking "I finally found her, maybe, just maybe my search is over" for her the newness wears of and she attempts to get back into her old routines and tries to squeeze me into it without breaking anything.

After she has gotten me used to her being supergirlfriend!!!

 

Women are also wary of men who come on too fast and too strong. They know that "torch" blows out just as quickly as it lit up. And, in your case, if you got past a certain point, that might happen.

 

Nope it does not, the only thing that can burn out the flame once lit is if she cheats on me, almost everything else I feel can be worked out.

 

But, think of a pendulum. Until you're dating someone you really like, the pendulum is sitting in the middle - loner time. Then you are feeling the excitement of dating someone, so the pendulum swings way to the side of the relationship. And, it swings back and forth for a bit. But, over time the pendulum goes back to the middle -- it's natural resting place. It's comfort zone, if you will.

 

I think you got me wrong here, I'm a loner but I don't like being lonely.

I'm a loner in the sense that I don't get much out of platonic relationships.

Most of my friends I've had since highschool, we don't have out very often and they may swing by once in a blue moon to hang out when they happen to be on my side of town. or when they are having computer problems lol.

And I like it that way. Romantic relationship on the other hand I get soooooo much out of. nothing feels better. And for me the honeymoon stage never wears off.

 

It's really important for you to know and understand yourself really well. You are labeling yourself as a loner. That kinda says that's just the way you are. And, that's OK. But, if you want to break out of that mold and seek a relationship, you'll need a little more well rounded life experiences so that you'll have a better understanding of how relationships should be in general. Experiencing how different people interact and how you interact with them.

 

I was a private investigator for a few years, and a bouncer for almost 20 years I understand human behavior and interaction. sometimes I wish I did not.

 

All I'm saying is if you're used to being alone and then attempt a relationship, you need to try to strike a balance especially in the beginning. It's not a good idea to cling to a new dating partner and spend all of or such a large part of your time with her.

 

A recipe for sadness and feeling unwanted.

 

Expanding your social circle will actually help you. It may feel a little foreign and uncomfortable in the beginning, but if you push your comfort zone a little, eventually you will be able to tolerate that uncomfortability and it won't be uncomfortable anymore.

 

I was not always a loner, at one time I was the opposite, back in my teens and early 20's life since then has taught me to keep my circle extremely small.

 

 

But, if you really feel like being a loner is what you're happiest with, then you just need to wait it out until someone comes along who is similar. There's somebody for everybody

 

Enjoy your life, the way you like it and let things go their natural course.

 

And that's the depressing part, women tend to be social and they don't seem to place a hierarchy on their relationships.

So finding a woman who want's the same type of relationship I do is like a whore looking for a unicorn.