Tips on recovery from potential BPD relationship

[CeciliaCylara]

Hello everyone,

 

I am currently eight days NC from my ex. Since then, I feel like I went through a roller coaster of emotions as I tried to figure what's happened to me and our relationship. This man who has told me he loves me and wanted to earn me back (even though he was the one who dumped me first) just picked up a new girl just weeks after I told him I couldn't be with him until he got help for himself and cut contact. I have tried to reconnect as friends, only for it to blow up in my face when he started sharing personal details about his new gf to me, so I went back to NC since. I told him I couldn't be friends and told him to not reach out to me again until he actually had something important to say to me.

 

Upon reading the forums, especially replies by Downtown, I suspect he's got BPD or some kind of personality disorder. He has gotten a few appointments of DBT therapy but I don't know if he's still going. Probably not considering he's "all better now" with his new gf.

 

Since then, I've made an appointment to take therapy from the ordeal. I feel like my patience and love were taken for granted by him. He tossed away 2.5 years with someone who truly loves him for something new and shiny. I feel like it would have been better if he had cheated, it would have been easier to move on by just painting him black. But unlike him, I can accept good people can sometimes to bad things, which makes it a harder pill to swallow for me because he's sick.

 

I want to reach out and yell and scream and beg that he's just going to set himself up for doom because I don't believe he can resolve his deep seated issues in a matter of a couple months and ready to jump back in the saddle. (He's 32 and has a history of failed relationships btw) I know I can't do that because he'd probably paint me black thinking I'm trying to ruin him, like most of his exes. Plus he was the one who left me. He chose that disconnection from me.

 

I'm sticking to NC because I know in my mind, it's the best course of action for him (not enabling his behavior by retaining the connection) and me, I did my best and he just missed out on someone who actually gave a ___ about him.

 

Any recovery stories you have for me from people who went through a similar experience? I'm trying to adjust to life without him. Like I said, I know in my mind this was the best choice... it's my heart that's still learning to cope. Our past relationship has some the fondest memories I have.... only for it to turn cold right when I let him in my heart and he ripped himself out.

Edited September 17, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[Downtown]

I know in my mind this was the best choice... it's my heart that's still learning to cope.

Cecilia, I am familiar with the struggle going on in your mind between your "intuitive child" and "logical adult." Because I had been in a 15 year relationship, it took me at least a year to bring my child's feelings into close alignment with my adult's understanding.

 

After just two weeks of intense reading on the Internet, I had a pretty good understanding of what I needed to do to get out of the toxic relationship and why I needed to do it. Yet, because my child was over a year behind my adult, the child sabotaged my every effort to break away.

 

It hindered me with nagging doubts, terrible guilt, and a strong feeling of obligation. It kept telling me that the theory floating around in the adult part of my mind was an insufficient basis on which to wholly abandon a loved one. Even after I had left her, I still refused to go No Contact for eight more months, at which point I finally realized she is incapable of ever being my friend. It seems that -- for all human beings -- the inner child makes at least 90% (if not 95%) of the important decisions. I was 50 years old before I understood that simple notion. And it took me 12 years to do it.

 

What happened was that, for 12 years, I took my bipolar foster son to a weekly family group meeting with the psychologist who was treating him. Whenever the psych challenged me on something, I always had an elaborate well-thought-out explanation for doing whatever I had chosen to do. Never mind that what I had chosen was not working with my foster son and never mind that I kept repeating the same pattern year after year.

 

The psych was always greatly amused by my explanations. He would chuckle and point out, in his kindly fashion, that my elaborate rationalizations could not disguise the fact that my inner child -- not my adult -- was calling all the shots, making nearly all the decisions. In any contest between the adult and child, he claimed, the child would almost always win. But I just could not swallow that concept.

 

Yet, after twelve years of his gentle rebukes, it dawned on me one night -- right as I was about to drift asleep -- why he had to be right. My inner child, I suddenly realized, is the sole judge of what is fun and what is not fun. That decision is all powerful. The adult part of my mind will nearly always conclude that it makes no sense -- indeed, would be preposterous -- to do something, go somewhere, or date someone I do not enjoy. My adult logic thus nearly always has to end up in the lap of my inner child.

 

This is why, as I discussed earlier, learning about my exW's problem (BPD) and my problem (codependency) is the easy part. What is difficult is internalizing that understanding, i.e., transforming knowledge into wisdom, which requires that my feelings catch up with my intellectual thoughts.

 

Simply stated, I must persuade my child that my adult views of my ex's illness and my own codependency are correct -- an objective I have mostly attained because I've been working on it for several years. Had I failed in that effort, I would remain stuck in a destructive pattern, repeating my past mistakes over and over, because my child will be calling nearly all the shots.

[TheBathWater]

Oh dear, sorry to hear about your situation. You are obviously understanding and able to see him as a 'whole' person, rather than as all good or all bad - an ability that most people with personality disorders lack. It is so unfortunate when we can see the potential in someone and in a relationship, only for it to not be fully reciprocated. But what makes things harder is when we feel discarded afterward and left with the emotional baggage of the relationship that the disordered partner can't seem to confront in their own life.

 

As for recovery, I think going NC is a great idea. It's not the be-all-end-all, but it's a start. Yes, you will experience a lot of intense emotions, and often cycles of them. Some weeks you will think you are starting to heal, only for something to happen that triggers memories of the relationship/person, and then you question aspects of the relationship as you knew it in new ways. This is the grieving process. It is hard, but each time you finish the cycle, it feels a little better and easier.

 

Have you thought about the possibility that he's a narcissist? You might find some solace in watching videos on YouTube about recovering from a relationship with this sort of person. I found this helpful in my own recovery, although it was also hard because I had to confront why I was willing to put myself in such a relationship. Maybe you need to cogitate such a question yourself. We aren't victims if we were 50% of the relationship and willing to put ourselves in such a situation. Understanding why can help to prevent it from repeating with the next person.

 

Also, journaling can help. Focus on what you learned from the relationship instead of only writing about how wronged you feel by him. It's also good to surround yourself with new people, since you will likely not talk about the ex with them (we tend to only talk about our exes with our current social circle). Practice good self-care, such as sleep, eating habits, and exercise. Basically, you want to work on yourself so that things don't get worse for you emotionally. They won't start to feel better consistently for a while, but if you keep at it, you should notice progress with time. I'm two months into NC and recovery, and I'm slowly getting better. You can too.

 

Finally, do NOT go back to this guy. He will likely contact you at some point or reappear somehow and verbalize the ways he's changed if he is lonely and wants you back. Remember, talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words. If his actions don't match up, which they likely won't, you shouldn't give it the slightest chance or else you'll risk starting at ground zero again. You don't have to 'hate' him, and it's certainly healthy I think that you have a balanced perspective of him, but wouldn't it be nice to ultimately be with someone who has the ability to see people and relationships from that same healthy perspective? This man does not have the developmental maturity to do that, and he never may.

 

The prognosis for personality disorders is really not good, even with therapy. The prognosis for a broken heart in a healthy person, however, is very good and can lead to a great relationship with the next person if you're willing to do the work on yourself to not repeat the past.

[CeciliaCylara]

Hi all, I'm posting a link revealing more details of the dynamic of our relationship. I do not believe he's a narcissist, but someone who feels TOO much. He tries solving this by putting walls around himself and just not dealing with his emotions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/633929-my-ex-i-broke-up-after-2-5-years-ldr-one-year-later-he-s-dating-someone-2.html

[Chilli]

Hi CC.

How ironic that l should be having the day off and not feeling too good - my own sitch, and l come here and find your thread.

l haven't read the link yet so l'm not sure if it was what l was use to on my sicth , or what.

 

l haven't posted the latest in my old thread, DT would probably crack me over the head with a brick haha. And l think l need it.

But we've been trying the friends thing to after breaking up while back , together 18mths before.

Yours sounds like it blew up for a different reason but in mine we last spoke last wk , as friends this was.

l still had so much love for her and a little new plan in my head of how to tackle things so that maybe we could fix it and even get back . Not waste the incredible goods that we had and shared.,

That morng we were talking, she woke me up , on whatsapp this is, First she dumped me, next she wanted to come over and next she just poked and prodded and soon after it all just blew to hell. l'm still not even sure what happened. That's the other reason l didn't put it on my thread, how do l even explain it.

Stilll have it all here on whatsapp, but l can't go over it yet, dunno if l ever will.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Just took a look , DT's the expert but that doesn't sound anything like BPD to me, more like depression or something, not sure.

Bp is nasty , they totally poke and mess with your head but acknowledge absolutely nothing, well mine didn't anyway,forget that facts or anything they did or said, it's all evil you , all your fault.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Chilli

[CeciliaCylara]

I don't think he blamed me for ALL his faults, but there were times he didn't take responsibility. Like when I got mad at him for his insensitive joke, he claimed it was my fault for believing him (uuuh sorry?).

 

I didn't speak to him for a week and before I did, I told him to use the time to try to understand why I'd be mad at him. When I broke silence after a week, he still didn't understand! Just carried on life as if I didn't exist. I explained why over and over. I was emotionally neglected for months by now, and it was cruel to make jokes like that while I'm already emotionally vulnerable. Everything l tried to do to bridge the gap he just pulls away. Sometimes it doesn't matter who's right, you don't just ignore your partner's feelings.

 

And yet he never apologized since. I think what spared me from the blame game was I've always managed to keep a level head and I'm naturally a logical person. However, I'm sure he's done it in the past with his exes, because apparently most of them were crazy and selfish to him. Nothing I did was good enough. I wondered how we even got together in the first place if he just dissociated like we were never in love. He wanted to be loved but apparently he loved being alone with his self-loathing more.

Edited September 18, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[meta.morphate]

We aren't victims if we were 50% of the relationship and willing to put ourselves in such a situation. Understanding why can help to prevent it from repeating with the next person.

 

 

This. This is helpful. Instead of playing the victim, and feeling as though anyone who is insensitive to your plight is victim-blaming, look at what part you played in the situation. (NOTE - I am not in any way saying you're playing the victim or feeling put-upon by anyone else, I'm speaking in general terms, knowing what it's like to be in a situation like this).

 

 

Also, I am in love with Matthew Hussy and to reiterate what he's said on his videos that have been helpful to me - respond to your reality, not to his excuses (or explanations, or potential diagnosis that you think he fits). Whether or not he's got BPD or any other disorder, you have to look at the results that you're getting from that. Its not your responsibility to fix him, or nor is it your cross to bear to put up with negative and hurtful treatment from him, based on whatever "diagnosis" he may potentially carry. We can all be diagnosed with something, but it's our responsibility to handle ourselves and how we treat other people. If you treat someone like crap, you can understand why they don't want to be around you - if someone treats you like crap, they'll be able to understand why you don't want to be around them, no matter what they might say to you, they know what they did. its easier for them to let you take care of whatever their "sickness" might be but that's just hurting yourself.

 

 

Also, personal observation, men don't need to mentally or emotionally get over one woman to engage with the next. They use the next as distraction. Women need to do the whole processing what happened thing, getting closure, bettering themselves, getting into another relationship bit ... men will go with the next woman they see, and don't process or grieve or do anything else until later, which is why they always seem to come back after you've moved on.

 

 

And, another one from Matthew Hussy - the path to getting him back and getting over him are the same, so you might as well start taking care of yourself and bettering yourself and making something great out of your life, because whether you're hoping to get him back or you're hoping to eventually move on, you have to do the same things anyways.

[CeciliaCylara]

Also, I am in love with Matthew Hussy and to reiterate what he's said on his videos that have been helpful to me - respond to your reality, not to his excuses (or explanations, or potential diagnosis that you think he fits). Whether or not he's got BPD or any other disorder, you have to look at the results that you're getting from that. Its not your responsibility to fix him, or nor is it your cross to bear to put up with negative and hurtful treatment from him, based on whatever "diagnosis" he may potentially carry.

 

I acknowledge my fault in the relationship for not putting my foot down when I felt he was being inconsiderate of my feelings. I instead forgave him again and again, thinking it was due to his depression. I didn't hold him accountable when I should have, because I wanted us to work out desperately but it was costing my mental health. I was codependent. When he crossed the line of showing off his gf to me, intentionally or not, that was last straw.

 

I don't know if he has full-blown BPD. Probably not from some of the stories I've read where it was severe, but he's got strong traits of it from what I've experienced.

 

It's just frustrating because I got help for myself. I got in touch with my feelings through therapy when before I refused to believe the breakup affected me so badly. I let myself feel the pain and loss. I didn't let the past define my happiness. Meanwhile, while I have to take the painful steps of recovery, he's still frolicking with a new girl. I'm enduring my feelings of loneliness so I don't hurt myself or someone else if I were to get into another relationship.

 

Matthew Hussy - the path to getting him back and getting over him are the same, so you might as well start taking care of yourself and bettering yourself and making something great out of your life, because whether you're hoping to get him back or you're hoping to eventually move on, you have to do the same things anyways.

 

I wholey agree.

Edited September 18, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[Downtown]

I don't know if he has full-blown BPD.... but he's got strong traits of it.

Cecilia, for purposes of deciding whether someone would be a suitable spouse, it really doesn't matter whether his BPD traits are full blown or not. A man having strong BPD symptoms that satisfy only 70% or 80% of the diagnostic criteria likely will be nearly as difficult to live with as one satisfying 100%.

 

As to whether your exBF is a "BPDer" (i.e., on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), you are in the best position to judge that because you've observed his behavior for several years -- and you are familiar with his past history. Keep in mind, however, that you are not describing a typical BPDer, which is why several members express skepticism about your view.

 

The vast majority of BPDers turn their anger outward into a display of drama and emotionalism. Indeed, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. This is why most BPDers show their anger outwardly. That is, they are "talkers" and thus act out strongly with lots of loud verbal abuse when their fears are triggered.

 

However, a small share of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- only rarely show outward rages. Most of the time, when you trigger their two fears, they turn their anger inward upon themselves. Not surprisingly, these BPDers are called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines."

 

Significantly, their being "quiet" much of the time does not mean their partners escape punishment. These BPDers typically punish their partners with passive-aggressive snide remarks, icy silence, cold withdrawal, and presenting themselves as helpless victims. Because these quiet BPDers constitute only a small share of the BPDer group, little has been written about their behavior. It therefore is difficult to find information about them.

 

I nonetheless have found several online articles that seem insightful. One is A.J. Mahari's blog article, The Quiet Acting-In Borderline. The second is the BPD.com article, What Is a "Quiet" Borderline? A third is Matthew Gemma's article, When You Don't Fit the "Classic" Definition of BPD.

[CeciliaCylara]

Cecilia, for purposes of deciding whether someone would be a suitable spouse, it really doesn't matter whether his BPD traits are full blown or not. A man having strong BPD symptoms that satisfy only 70% or 80% of the diagnostic criteria likely will be nearly as difficult to live with as one satisfying 100%.

 

As to whether your exBF is a "BPDer" (i.e., on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), you are in the best position to judge that because you've observed his behavior for several years -- and you are familiar with his past history. Keep in mind, however, that you are not describing a typical BPDer, which is why several members express skepticism about your view.

 

The vast majority of BPDers turn their anger outward into a display of drama and emotionalism. Indeed, the key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. This is why most BPDers show their anger outwardly. That is, they are "talkers" and thus act out strongly with lots of loud verbal abuse when their fears are triggered.

 

However, a small share of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- only rarely show outward rages. Most of the time, when you trigger their two fears, they turn their anger inward upon themselves. Not surprisingly, these BPDers are called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines."

 

Significantly, their being "quiet" much of the time does not mean their partners escape punishment. These BPDers typically punish their partners with passive-aggressive snide remarks, icy silence, cold withdrawal, and presenting themselves as helpless victims. Because these quiet BPDers constitute only a small share of the BPDer group, little has been written about their behavior. It therefore is difficult to find information about them.

 

I nonetheless have found several online articles that seem insightful. One is A.J. Mahari's blog article, The Quiet Acting-In Borderline. The second is the BPD.com article, What Is a "Quiet" Borderline? A third is Matthew Gemma's article, When You Don't Fit the "Classic" Definition of BPD.

 

Thank you for your wise wisdom Downtown, as always. I'm probably going back to my suspicion that he's depressed. BPD sounds more like my stepdad actually, because his unfiltered rage and verbal abuse caused me and my mom to leave the house and we have to live separate from him. I think that's why I projected it onto my ex, but he was more of the covert or quiet variant of it.

 

No matter the diagnosis, he's still ill or just not interested. He has displayed numerous times that he can't sustain a relationship with me and I have to put my foot down. Thank you everyone for your responses as I've learned a lot. I think I'm ready to let go of figuring out why and just move on in doing what I want. I'll still lurk the forums, but I'll be climbing up from here.

[carhill]

I think you're doing a great job of recovery, working to cognitively assess and process the forensics and remain without personal contact. Pursuing or maintaining and invigorating healthy friendships and focusing on life away from romantic/intimate relationships for awhile would be my therapeutic suggestion. Alone time is wonderful for processing out this stuff, especially if having walked on eggshells for a long time.

 

If you happen to socialize again, watch for triggers and, if getting one, process that. Is it an emotion from the past or a valid assessment of the present? Triggers would be snippets of otherwise normal human behavior you *may* associate with past trauma with an unhealthy partner. We all deal with this to a certain extent, regardless of the mental state of past partners/spouses. Part of being human.

 

I still deal with a BPD'er on a regular basis and I tend to assess like a clinician would and not take any shots personally. However, that comes from long experience, nearly 30 years now, dealing with it. I sometimes find it sad that a person has to grow old in that prison and one behavioral/psychological set can wipe out the positive effects of the love and care they bring to the world. Such is life though. We all live our own lives. Good luck with yours.

[CeciliaCylara]

Day 11 of NC.

 

I had a breakdown today. Yesterday I was doing fine and enjoying my time. Suddenly a wave of anger and despair swept over me. I still feel scorned by the person who said he loved me. He broke up with me saying he didn't want to drag me down with him in his depression. I was strung along for months in a relationship limbo of "I love you, but I can't have a relationship with you". Finally when I had enough being in limbo, he suddenly felt ready to get into a relationship again weeks after. WOW. So much much for breaking up and wanting space in order to "fix" yourself!

 

I have never felt such a betrayal. I don't know whether to blame him or his disease. Suddenly all 3 years of my time and effort meant nothing to him. He had the audacity to reveal how much of a "kinky mother*******” his new gf is to me when I tried to be his friend. Do you even reveal that stuff to your friends?! Was he trying to hurt me or is he just sooooo dense?! It was if he was some ignorant teenager who's never been taught proper etiquette in what's appropriate and what's inappropriate to say to someone. AT 32 YEARS OLD. It wasn't the first time he did something like this by telling his father about a time we had an intimate moment, thinking it would be funny to tell. You don't tell parents those kinds of things that happen between us! WHY??? Such utter disregard to my feelings and ineptitude in understanding boundaries. He was loving and understanding in the beginning before his depression set in and now I don't know who he is anymore. It's all about him and how he feels about something. He doesn't think about how I'd feel or put himself in my shoes. How can still I feel love for him while I also feel so disgusted by him... I put up with his depression for so long and accepted so many excuses. NOT ANYMORE. HE'S SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM NOW! GOOD FREAKIN LUCK WITH HIM. I'M FREEEEE FROM THAT MAN CHILD.

 

I want to call him out on it so bad... but all the words would probably bounce off his thick skull. I have to rage and hurt alone, hoping one day he'll just become a faint memory. If he dared to show up in my life again somehow, I can at least look back here and remember just why I wanted to cut contact in the first place.

Edited September 22, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[EthanSPK]

Hi Cecilia, I'm not sure if my story is similar to yours but it might help you.

 

Like you, I had a long distance relationship that lasted for about a year. Everything was so perfect and nice, but she had depression and panic attacks. Sometimes she said things that would scare the hell out of me. But, leaving that aside, she was always kind and nice.

 

Because of her disease, she was always overthinking about everything including my feelings to her. She broke with me after the first 'fight' we had over the dumbest thing you can imagine. I tried to gain her back several times, until she told me she was dating someone... one night she showed me a teddy bear she was gonna give him as a gift, WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME SUCH THING? I was so jealous and mad that stopped talking to her. But, anyway, I didn't want things to end in a bad way so I said goodbye in a polite manner and went NC. After that, I developed social anxiety and panic attacks (just like her, oh what a turn of events...), and started having pain in the chest because of the stress. I failed every single test in college that year, almost dropped university and had to quit from my job as a lab teacher because of the previously mentioned disorders (went through some awfully embarrassing situations).

 

I hated her for months and months, I seriously wanted her to die for all the pain and suffering she made me went through. Some people in here will look down on me for what I'm saying, but I don't care, they don't know what I've been through.

 

After meeting some amazing people (and taking pills for the panic attacks, of course), my recovery started. But before that, I had to reach out to the world. You can't just recover all by yourself, you need love and support. My case was especially difficult since I couldn't get along with my family and my friends had their own problems (wouldn't blame them, who wants to take care of an anxious, stuttering, depressed, awkwardly-silent guy anyway?).

 

By far, this year has been the best since the breakup since I finally started getting along with my family, got better grades and made new friends. The point is, you can't expect to go through all the pain alone: you need help from others and, especially, from yourself. Take some time for yourself, love yourself before asking for love from others. Treat yourself with some chocolate bar, go for a walk in the park, hug a friend for no reason at all but to please yourself, watch the stars, dance alone...

 

And listen to this song:

[CeciliaCylara]

Hi Cecilia, I'm not sure if my story is similar to yours but it might help you.

 

Like you, I had a long distance relationship that lasted for about a year. Everything was so perfect and nice, but she had depression and panic attacks. Sometimes she said things that would scare the hell out of me. But, leaving that aside, she was always kind and nice.

 

Because of her disease, she was always overthinking about everything including my feelings to her. She broke with me after the first 'fight' we had over the dumbest thing you can imagine. I tried to gain her back several times, until she told me she was dating someone... one night she showed me a teddy bear she was gonna give him as a gift, WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME SUCH THING? I was so jealous and mad that stopped talking to her. But, anyway, I didn't want things to end in a bad way so I said goodbye in a polite manner and went NC. After that, I developed social anxiety and panic attacks (just like her, oh what a turn of events...), and started having pain in the chest because of the stress. I failed every single test in college that year, almost dropped university and had to quit from my job as a lab teacher because of the previously mentioned disorders (went through some awfully embarrassing situations).

 

I hated her for months and months, I seriously wanted her to die for all the pain and suffering she made me went through. Some people in here will look down on me for what I'm saying, but I don't care, they don't know what I've been through.

 

After meeting some amazing people (and taking pills for the panic attacks, of course), my recovery started. But before that, I had to reach out to the world. You can't just recover all by yourself, you need love and support. My case was especially difficult since I couldn't get along with my family and my friends had their own problems (wouldn't blame them, who wants to take care of an anxious, stuttering, depressed, awkwardly-silent guy anyway?).

 

By far, this year has been the best since the breakup since I finally started getting along with my family, got better grades and made new friends. The point is, you can't expect to go through all the pain alone: you need help from others and, especially, from yourself. Take some time for yourself, love yourself before asking for love from others. Treat yourself with some chocolate bar, go for a walk in the park, hug a friend for no reason at all but to please yourself, watch the stars, dance alone...

 

And listen to this song:

 

Thank you Ethan. I said all those things in passionate anger and indignation, but once fizzled, I find myself still caring about Mr. Stonecold. It's a very selfish disease... I have no doubt some of his mannerisms were caught by his toxic family. I've done research on depression and sometimes I wish I could go back and do things different in reaction to his depressive moods. However, now it's just for my personal knowledge since he's already left. I have a feeling he's chasing a fantasy and running from his depression issues he already knows about. It's tragically humorous now that it may be a compliment that I was the one he pushed away first if depression makes you isolate from people you care about.

 

And yeah, dealing with a depressed partner can really drain the happiness out of you. It's so exhausting to try to love someone who has a darkness around them that repels that love. I found myself failing college courses from this and eating excessively. Now I'm back in therapy and taking care of myself again. Through my knowledge of depression, I've learned that if he wanted space, I should just give it to him. He has to face his depression himself first. If I mattered in his life, maybe I'll return to his thoughts once he comes out of it one day. In the meantime, I'm focusing on myself and retaking my classes to get back on track. I'm not going to jump into another relationship until I'm ready. It's sad, but the breakup was probably the best choice as I wouldn't have learned to stand up for my feelings and regain myself. If we both wanted to try again later (much later) in the future and he's gotten help for himself, I feel I can do better since I've learned to not take myself for granted anymore and not take his episodes personal. If it wasn't meant to be, then I'll still be okay. I learned to accept living with hurt than trying to run from it, and let it flow through me until I breath a sigh of relief once it's released. Going through therapy and my stubbornness to believe there's still good in the world has helped me. Even now when I'm alone, I still have myself. Also plenty of guys scratching at the ankles for me already for a confidence boost.

Edited September 23, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[EthanSPK]

Oh dear, I wish I had lots of girls asking for me as well, hahaha

[CeciliaCylara]

Learning to love yourself seems to attract the positive attention. When you take care of yourself, you've got a solid foundation

[Soak]

I want to call him out on it so bad... but all the words would probably bounce off his thick skull. I have to rage and hurt alone, hoping one day he'll just become a faint memory. If he dared to show up in my life again somehow, I can at least look back here and remember just why I wanted to cut contact in the first place.

 

I know how you feel.

 

Am recovering from a sociopathic narcissist, and the ager at yourself (for being so stupid and thinking that everybody is like you: empathetic and a nice human being) is difficult to overcome. You're lucky you did not spend anymore time with him, and i hate to say it, but do you feel slightly relieved that you did not have children with him? Assuming you didn't that is, nothing mentioned in your thread.

[CeciliaCylara]

I know how you feel.

 

Am recovering from a sociopathic narcissist, and the ager at yourself (for being so stupid and thinking that everybody is like you: empathetic and a nice human being) is difficult to overcome. You're lucky you did not spend anymore time with him, and i hate to say it, but do you feel slightly relieved that you did not have children with him? Assuming you didn't that is, nothing mentioned in your thread.

 

Haha, I actually do feel relieved about that. Even better, I didn't get married and moved in with him. Not even have sex (although I was VERY close to). It was all a relief but also sobering. I feel my innocence and naivety was lost somewhat from the experience, but it also taught me to be more careful and learn when I need to put my foot down. I'm a good person. I'm not only going to attract good people because of it, but also bad or unstable people too. I won't let the bad stop me though and stay strong in believing there's still good out there for me.

Edited September 24, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[Soak]

I feel my innocence and naivety was lost somewhat from the experience, but it also taught me to be more careful and learn when I need to put my foot down. I'm a good person. I'm not only going to attract good people because of it, but also bad or unstable people too. I won't let the bad stop me though and stay strong in believing there's still good out there for me.

 

I feel the same way about what was left of my innocence, although i'm a hell of a lot older than you, so have no excuse to be making these mistakes

 

It sounds like you're in a good place with it all, and you are using your mind rather than just reacting.

 

More power to you for taking it as a lesson to be more careful next time. Had this conversation with a much younger woman i work with recently, and she believes in short term loss for long term gain. Eg, if she sees no future with somebody beyond the initial flush, she isn't afraid to end it 'before she gets attached' etc. I was so proud of her, she truely has her head screwed on the right way and will save herself a lot of heartache and pain in the longrun.