Broke off with guy I dated for a whopping 2 days

[Cookiesandough]

Hi. I feel sad. I broke up with a guy I've been seeing 3 weeks. He didn't understand, obviously. I don't quite understand. I think this is one of the rare instances where "it's not you it's me" is truth. I'm sorry I hurt him(if I did),but they were shoes I couldn't fill. I am proud of myself for how I handled it. Ideally, I wouldn't have started it, but you know what they say about hindsight.

 

We had 4 dates and on the phone thurs he asked me to be his gf(is this red flag too soon?) I said yes because the way in which he asked was so sweet. I felt flattered. He is way out of my league. But he doesn't know *me* and I barely know him. He would have inevitably end up dumping me, anyway.

 

 

I felt really out of place with him, but that's nothing new. This is what bugs me the most. I'm so interested in people who are very different than me. It's like they are a case study or experiment, and each one I get a little attached to. Or I get attached to wanting to figure them out? Be like them?

 

I don't understand how people become romantically attached to each other. I assume you have to be open with the person, which is where I'm going wrong, but so you need commonalities too? Everyone says "be yourself" but I have no idea what that is. I've always done "the fake it till you make it". I see myself as a malleable, constant work-in-progress.

 

 

This hurts.Partly because I feel I might have mistake letting a good guy go and hurting him(even though I feel way better and at peace about this), but mostly because I've been on a downward dating spiral since my ex and I broke up(officially last May).

 

I tell every guy I meet early on I still have feelings for my ex and they remind me of him. Lately, I've been using my dates as therapists. I had pizza with a guy I ghosted(I paid, don't worry) and he listened 2 hours as I talked about my ex and my romantic issues, He still wants to see me again, probably for more pizza.

 

 

Whenever I people ask what I'm looking for, I always say, "to like someone and have them like me back". Sounds simplistic and weird, but that's true. Is it wrong to date that way? The way I see life is just a bunch of impermanence. I just want someone loyal to blow the days with...hang out, have fun. But that's contradictory? Is that asking someone to commit to my lackadaisical whims? Can I expect a meaningful relationship with such a nihilistic perspective?

 

 

I'm back to dating again but I've already messed some decent people over(pizza guy, for example) soon as I ended it, I went back to talking to strangers on apps. I have dates lined up this week because I don't want to get apathetic. Age 18-25 I didn't go on a single date or talk to any man romantically. I didn't miss it. I don't know if I should go back to living vicariously through others in my fantasies or "fake it til I make it" hoping someone could syndiffeonic relation between us and we click?

[stockyoldfrump]

Sounds like you shouldn't be dating, frankly.

 

If you have to tell guys you're not over your ex on the first date, that's a huge red flag. No one wants to be a stand-in for someone else.

 

I would also bet that a lot of your lack of identity stems from the fact that you're holding onto something that isn't there and haven't adequately created a fully realized identity for yourself as a single person.

 

I don't think you're necessarily being unfair to people, because anyone with any common sense will take your statements about your ex as a HUGE red flag and not invest further, but I don't really think you can expect to find much lasting happiness or sense of self here.

 

I'm very much like you in the sense that I rarely really get over exes and basically can't date because every girl reminds me of her. If I were content with just physical flings with no emotional engagement, I could probably date, but that's not what I want. It seems like it's not what you want either, and I think it's hard to expect loyalty from someone when you're asking them to accept, from the very beginning, that they're essentially just a fill-in for someone else.

 

Obviously, just my opinion, but you should probably take some time to figure out who you are outside of relationships, get as much emotional distance from your ex-boyfriend as possible (even if you never truly get over it), and then try again when you feel like you know who you are.

 

The biggest red flag is that you have no clue who you are. You can't expect relationships to complete you or show you your true self. You have to know that going in or they literally can't succeed. It's actually impossible. I've learned this over the course of my own life.

 

Don't keep dating because you want to avoid apathy. If anything, that mentality is putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Continuing to engage in hollow dating before you fix yourself isn't actually getting you any closer to what you want. A far more productive, less apathetic way of dealing with the project of dating right now is to take time off, figure yourself out and position yourself to date in a way that's healthy and likely to succeed.

[elaine567]

Why are you even mentioning your ex on the first date?

 

Just about everyone has an ex, but dating is not about exes, it is about moving forward onto the next chapter.

Exes need consigned to the past. They have no place being in a first date or even subsequent dates for that matter.

They can be dismissed with a few sentences and never mentioned again.

Using a guy as a surrogate therapist is totally unfair and a complete waste of his time too.

Dumping people hurts them and can ruin their confidence too.

If you are not ready to date then keep away until you are ready to date.

[Logo]

What they said.

 

The fake it till you make it part bothers me.

 

 

Can you elaborate more on how you feel?

 

 

Are you trying to behave the way you think the other person expects you to behave?

 

 

You should be yourself from the start.

 

 

And what makes that person "Out of your league?"

[Imajerk17]

It's hard to keep track of your threads OP. I remember you recently meeting a guy you really liked who told you he wasn't over his ex. I take it this isn't the same guy.

 

A lot of people tell you that you need to take a break from dating, you haven't really listened, but the advice still stands. That you need to be using your first dates as therapists talking about your ex is a dead giveaway that you just aren't over him. At any rate, this thread is Exhibit A about all this--your confused, (extremely) erratic behaviour is probably frustrating a lot of guys.

Edited September 17, 2017 by Imajerk17

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hi. I feel sad. I broke up with a guy I've been seeing 3 weeks. He didn't understand, obviously. I don't quite understand. I think this is one of the rare instances where "it's not you it's me" is truth. I'm sorry I hurt him(if I did),but they were shoes I couldn't fill. I am proud of myself for how I handled it. Ideally, I wouldn't have started it, but you know what they say about hindsight.

 

We had 4 dates and on the phone thurs he asked me to be his gf(is this red flag too soon?) I said yes because the way in which he asked was so sweet. I felt flattered. He is way out of my league. But he doesn't know *me* and I barely know him. He would have inevitably end up dumping me, anyway.

 

 

I felt really out of place with him, but that's nothing new. This is what bugs me the most. I'm so interested in people who are very different than me. It's like they are a case study or experiment, and each one I get a little attached to. Or I get attached to wanting to figure them out? Be like them?

 

I don't understand how people become romantically attached to each other. I assume you have to be open with the person, which is where I'm going wrong, but so you need commonalities too? Everyone says "be yourself" but I have no idea what that is. I've always done "the fake it till you make it". I see myself as a malleable, constant work-in-progress.

 

 

This hurts.Partly because I feel I might have mistake letting a good guy go and hurting him(even though I feel way better and at peace about this), but mostly because I've been on a downward dating spiral since my ex and I broke up(officially last May).

 

I tell every guy I meet early on I still have feelings for my ex and they remind me of him. Lately, I've been using my dates as therapists. I had pizza with a guy I ghosted(I paid, don't worry) and he listened 2 hours as I talked about my ex and my romantic issues, He still wants to see me again, probably for more pizza.

 

 

Whenever I people ask what I'm looking for, I always say, "to like someone and have them like me back". Sounds simplistic and weird, but that's true. Is it wrong to date that way? The way I see life is just a bunch of impermanence. I just want someone loyal to blow the days with...hang out, have fun. But that's contradictory? Is that asking someone to commit to my lackadaisical whims? Can I expect a meaningful relationship with such a nihilistic perspective?

 

 

I'm back to dating again but I've already messed some decent people over(pizza guy, for example) soon as I ended it, I went back to talking to strangers on apps. I have dates lined up this week because I don't want to get apathetic. Age 18-25 I didn't go on a single date or talk to any man romantically. I didn't miss it. I don't know if I should go back to living vicariously through others in my fantasies or "fake it til I make it" hoping someone could syndiffeonic relation between us and we click?

 

 

Sounds as if you really do need to take some time off from dating and possibly even get into therapy. How old are you and do you work? Asking if you work because the above bolded sounds as if you may not.

 

Do you have anything that is consistent in your life? Something you have to do? Something you're committed to and have been for a long time?

[Cookiesandough]

What they said.

 

The fake it till you make it part bothers me.

 

 

Can you elaborate more on how you feel?

 

 

Are you trying to behave the way you think the other person expects you to behave?

 

 

You should be yourself from the start.

 

 

And what makes that person "Out of your league?"

 

I understand. Fake it till you make it is a misleading phrase. The fake part makes it sound bad but has to be there in order for the idiom to rhyme. Basically what I doing is imitating who I want to be. So yes, I am behaving how I think the other person wants me to. Over time, it is supposed to come naturally. ''Myself' is simply not datable, unfortunately. Ohhh and he is socially out of my league. He's very popular.

 

 

Thanks!!

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds as if you really do need to take some time off from dating and possibly even get into therapy. How old are you and do you work? Asking if you work because the above bolded sounds as if you may not.

 

Do you have anything that is consistent in your life? Something you have to do? Something you're committed to and have been for a long time?

 

26 and yes, I work for my father who is in med field. I have found it hard to commit to anything and bounced around careers.

 

 

What do you think of telling guys in my dating profile I'm looking for a relationship?

[Imajerk17]

26 and yes, I work for my father who is in med field. I have found it hard to commit to anything and bounced around careers.

 

 

What do you think of telling guys in my dating profile I'm looking for a relationship?

 

But, it's going to be hard for you to find a relationship if you always flake on a guy after the 2nd date Or if you keep on dumping guys (who haven't dumped you first that is) because of your own insecurities.

 

Anyway, you ask this question right after acknowledging the posts from almost everyone here telling you that you just aren't ready to date. AND after noting yourself of the confusion your erratic behaviour is causing others. I am guessing that you plan on ignoring this advice and plan to keep on trying to "self-medicate" by dating anyway?

 

Whats the definition of insanity again

Edited September 17, 2017 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

I understand. Fake it till you make it is a misleading phrase. The fake part makes it sound bad but has to be there in order for the idiom to rhyme. Basically what I doing is imitating who I want to be. So yes, I am behaving how I think the other person wants me to. Over time, it is supposed to come naturally. ''Myself' is simply not datable, unfortunately. Ohhh and he is socially out of my league. He's very popular.

 

 

Thanks!!

 

There's nothing wrong with trying to be the person you want to be. That's how change comes about. You remake yourself. So don't stop faking it until you make it. The reason it usually works is because if you act different people treat you different and you get different results so if what you were doing wasn't working then trying something new is smart.

 

But it does sound like you are confused as to whether you want a relationship or not or whether you can handle a relationship or not. Now meeting new people and getting to know them can all be part of change but it's probably not reasonable to think something is going to take off like a rocket in work while you are still knee Deep in changing yourself. You may have meaningful relationships but they may not be permanent because you are still changing.

 

So change your expectations. You seem to be going after a traditional long-term relationship but then stopping yourself so you're not ready for that and that's okay. Stop pushing yourself stop rushing yourself. Move at your own pace.

[LivingWaterPlease]

26 and yes, I work for my father who is in med field. I have found it hard to commit to anything and bounced around careers.

 

 

What do you think of telling guys in my dating profile I'm looking for a relationship?

 

I think you should probably take your dating profile down for now while you work on yourself! You have so much potential, as you must know!

 

When you're between careers how do you survive financially?

[Cookiesandough]

I get what you're saying imajerk. I'm just very lonely. . .

 

 

I will try to take advice here and a small break from dating to improve myself at least.

 

TY so much all

 

 

Oh and I have a nest egg

[LivingWaterPlease]

I get what you're saying imajerk. I'm just very lonely. . .

 

 

I will try to take advice here and a small break from dating to improve myself at least.

 

TY so much all

 

 

Oh and I have a nest egg

 

Good answers, Cookiedough! One thing you have going for you that is above and beyond normal, imo, is that you face things squarely and don't shrink from looking issues full in the face! Seems to me that will be part of why you'll be able to work through this faster than most!

 

How did you come to arrive at having the nest egg? Although it's a personal question, in trying to work through this issue with you it's most likely a part of your journey in establishing a solid base to continue your journey!

[bluefeather]

I had never heard the word "syndiffeonesis" before, so I looked it up. Interesting. I'm sorry it didn't work out, Cookies. I was rooting for you. But I won't tell you not to date. It only seems like a problem came up when you got into a relationship. So to this...

 

What do you think of telling guys in my dating profile I'm looking for a relationship?

 

I think that would be dishonest, or at the least, misleading.

[Popsicle]

Cookie, you're blowing it. If I was your age and in your position, I'd be killin' it with the menz. One day you're going to look back on this time and ask yourself why you didn't accept your blessings.

 

The only thing I can think of as to why you're farting around so much is that you don't really want it bad enough. Or maybe you're just not all that attracted to the guys you've gone out with.

Edited September 18, 2017 by Popsicle

[Imported]

Cookie, you're blowing it. If I was your age and in your position, I'd be killin' it with the menz. One day you're going to look back on this time and ask yourself why you didn't accept your blessings.

 

The only thing I can think of as to why you're farting around so much is that you don't really want it bad enough. Or maybe you're just not all that attracted to the guys you've gone out with. (I struck that, because I think it's actually relevant)

 

 

Or no.

 

She is younger than your age and already knows better or better yet ( for the guy that ends up with her), acts out inherently better.

 

Trust your instincts OP, it...might work out. Who knows.

 

Unless you really would like to be killin it with a bunch of menz you have no actual interest in.

[clia]

I don't understand why you broke up with this guy. it seems like you are intentionally trying to sabotage yourself.

 

It's completely normal to feel a little unsure and weird about things in the beginning of a relationship as you are getting to know someone. You don't just jump right from strangers to knowing each other well (comfort zone) -- it takes time, which may involve some uncomfortable times.

[Cookiesandough]

I know you guys are right, but I feel better with my decision so I guess it wasn't bad? Maybe I will look back and regret.

Thanks for the insight.

And thanks again livingwater It's inheritance and savings. But I am working right now. I am looking for a new job as well

[knabe]

Not to sound weird - I am genuinely curious...

 

What exactly IS there to even break off after just 2 days??????

[LivingWaterPlease]

I know you guys are right, but I feel better with my decision so I guess it wasn't bad? Maybe I will look back and regret.

Thanks for the insight.

And thanks again livingwater It's inheritance and savings. But I am working right now. I am looking for a new job as well

 

Thanks for your answer, Cookies! I hated asking you that question because it's socially awkward to do so! But, I had a reason for asking and I admire your transparency in revealing that it's partly an inheritance.

 

For some multi-talented people it can be very hard to settle into achieving goals when you don't have to work and when you have a lot of options as to what you can be in life. And it's hard to have healthy self esteem when one is not achieving goals they would like to, imo.

 

You mentioned earlier that you were dating a guy who was out-of-your-league and that had you remained with him he'd later break up with you most probably.

 

But, if you can find work and stick with it, even when it becomes boring or the going gets tough you will find your self esteem will begin to grow and I believe you'll discover there is no one who's out-of-your-league. Hard work and tenacity are two great character builders! And strong character is at the base of sterling self esteem! It also catapults one to the top of the heap in the league of life!

 

Also, finding a goal and sticking with it will take your focus off of finding a bf.

Your avatar is very attractive and if that's you then it seems to me you most likely have a huge pool of men to date which would also be distracting and could easily tempt one to always be looking for something better.

 

I may be way off on all of the above but seems to me it's a distinct possibility worth considering.

 

Sometimes having a lot of advantages in life can be a disadvantage! Ironically, it may take a great deal of effort to overcome your advantages!

 

Just some thoughts to ponder from an anonymous poster who wishes you well and would like to see you prosper!

[Kamille]

Read about avoidant attachment styles, in particular dismissive-avoidants. It sounds like you might be struggling with this.

 

Also, you said twice in this thread that the "real you" isn't someone worth dating. ... Why not? This belief seems to be the crux of your issues.

[Cookiesandough]

Not to sound weird - I am genuinely curious...

 

What exactly IS there to even break off after just 2 days??????

 

 

I don't know??? It wasn't really a relationship if we only saw each other 4 1/2 times and barely talked through text (because I didn't really answer?) That isn't even a foundation for a relationship? So nothing was lost here right

,,,,

Just some thoughts to ponder from an anonymous poster who wishes you well and would like to see you prosper!

 

Thank you so much for you kindness!!!

Read about avoidant attachment styles, in particular dismissive-avoidants. It sounds like you might be struggling with this.

 

Also, you said twice in this thread that the "real you" isn't someone worth dating. ... Why not? This belief seems to be the crux of your issues.

 

I will look into this. Thank you :!

[olivetree]

Sorry it didn't work out Cookies.

I'm sure you must feel a bit hopeless and frustrated about the situation.

 

 

I'm going to preface this by saying that I hate how often a BPD diagnosis is thrown about here and also "get therapy".

However, I think it might be looking into to help you gain some self-awareness.

Have you ever read about BPD?

If so, does any of it resonate with you?

 

In some of your earlier threads, a lot of people were suggesting your behaviour did seem a bit reminiscent of the disorder, and now your lack of identity here also go along with that.

 

Here is a quote from this website: https://www.verywell.com/borderline-personality-disorder-identity-issues-425488

 

People with BPD often report that they have no idea who they are or what they believe in. Sometimes people with BPD report that they simply feel “non-existent.” Others even report that they are almost like a chameleon in terms of identity; they change who they are depending on their circumstances and what they think others want from them.

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry it didn't work out Cookies.

I'm sure you must feel a bit hopeless and frustrated about the situation.

 

 

I'm going to preface this by saying that I hate how often a BPD diagnosis is thrown about here and also "get therapy".

However, I think it might be looking into to help you gain some self-awareness.

Have you ever read about BPD?

If so, does any of it resonate with you?

 

In some of your earlier threads, a lot of people were suggesting your behaviour did seem a bit reminiscent of the disorder, and now your lack of identity here also go along with that.

 

Here is a quote from this website: https://www.verywell.com/borderline-personality-disorder-identity-issues-425488

 

Thanks, olive x Yeah, I have identity issues but I think it's linked more to my depression because looked into BPD before and I don't have many of the other symptoms. I don't have impulsivity at all, self harm, extreme behaviors to avoid abandonment in relationships, or black and white perception of others and stuff like that.. none. but that article was interesting

[olivetree]

Thanks, olive x Yeah, I have identity issues but I think it's linked more to my depression because looked into BPD before and I don't have many of the other symptoms. I don't have impulsivity at all, self harm, extreme behaviors to avoid abandonment in relationships, or black and white perception of others and stuff like that.. none. but that article was interesting

 

Yeah that makes sense.

Doesn't sound like it's BPD.

Probably the fearful avoidant stuff we talked about before.

 

I'd just really like to see you do something different so that you can get a different outcome.

Maybe explore that past bullying stuff with a counsellor.

 

Do you have people in your life that you are close to?