7 Years...now he's back

[BC1980]

I guess my question is: No Contact...is it the right thing to do in this situation?

 

I'm going to go against the advice of the other posters and say that NC is the right thing for you. In this situation, your priority is your own emotional well being, and staying in contact with him will sacrifice your well being. I stand by my opinion that you are getting used as the emotional sounding board as he goes through his divorce. You want a relationship out of this, so your motives aren't pure. That's not a knock against you because we all want something out of relationships, so there's nothing wrong with wanting that. But you've been giving more than you are getting.

 

Don't forget that he hasn't responded to you, and you resorted to texting him from an alternate number to get his attention. You are putting yourself out there emotionally for someone who doesn't want it. I speak from experience when I say that's a big gamble to take, and it rarely pays off. When it doesn't pay off, the price is steep. He'll be fine without your support. You're not in a position to be his savior.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm going to go against the advice of the other posters and say that NC is the right thing for you. In this situation, your priority is your own emotional well being, and staying in contact with him will sacrifice your well being. I stand by my opinion that you are getting used as the emotional sounding board as he goes through his divorce. You want a relationship out of this, so your motives aren't pure. That's not a knock against you because we all want something out of relationships, so there's nothing wrong with wanting that. But you've been giving more than you are getting.

 

Don't forget that he hasn't responded to you, and you resorted to texting him from an alternate number to get his attention. You are putting yourself out there emotionally for someone who doesn't want it. I speak from experience when I say that's a big gamble to take, and it rarely pays off. When it doesn't pay off, the price is steep. He'll be fine without your support. You're not in a position to be his savior.

 

I agree with this provided that your intentions are NOT to be of support and selfless. But, if your intentions are to be a friend and he is truly in trouble AND you are suffering from this emotionally, I, personally, would appreciate a friendly voice/letter/email to know that someone cares about what I am going through.

 

As I said in an earlier post, provided he is not manipulating you, I feel that you may be helping him right now.

[anika99]

I'm going to go against the advice of the other posters and say that NC is the right thing for you. In this situation, your priority is your own emotional well being, and staying in contact with him will sacrifice your well being. I stand by my opinion that you are getting used as the emotional sounding board as he goes through his divorce. You want a relationship out of this, so your motives aren't pure. That's not a knock against you because we all want something out of relationships, so there's nothing wrong with wanting that. But you've been giving more than you are getting.

 

Don't forget that he hasn't responded to you, and you resorted to texting him from an alternate number to get his attention. You are putting yourself out there emotionally for someone who doesn't want it. I speak from experience when I say that's a big gamble to take, and it rarely pays off. When it doesn't pay off, the price is steep. He'll be fine without your support. You're not in a position to be his savior.

 

Glad to see I'm not the only one thinking this. This is a guy who ditched the OP years ago to be with another woman. Now, 7yrs later and after a couple of months of talking, everyone thinks the OP should be his saviour? They are long distance. She doesn't really know anything about his life outside of all the "oh, woe is me" drama he is feeding her. Why is he deliberately ignoring her messages but responding immediately to a stranger? Personally I think the OP needs to go no contact to keep her own head screwed on straight. This guy has a whole life that hasn't included her and I don't believe for second that she is the only person who can help him.

[BaileyB]

Glad to see I'm not the only one thinking this. This is a guy who ditched the OP years ago to be with another woman. Now, 7yrs later and after a couple of months of talking, everyone thinks the OP should be his saviour? They are long distance. She doesn't really know anything about his life outside of all the "oh, woe is me" drama he is feeding her. Why is he deliberately ignoring her messages but responding immediately to a stranger? Personally I think the OP needs to go no contact to keep her own head screwed on straight. This guy has a whole life that hasn't included her and I don't believe for second that she is the only person who can help him.

 

I completely agree, and was about to say the same... but then, it felt appropriate to be compassionate and send the occasional message of concern and support. If this can be done while maintaining her own emoational well being, it is the compassionate thing to do. But, she is most definitely not his savior and should not feel that responsibility. Nor should she ever consider a romantic relationship with a man dealing with such profound mental health issues... I'm glad to hear that you have at least come to that realization, OP.

[Samantha.Leo]

It's a hard situation to be in for sure. On one hand, he could very well be manipulating me. On the other hand, he could very well be depressed and need a friend. I wish that things were black and white with this situation.

 

I wonder if this kind of behavior is why his wife left him. I know that there is much more to the story than he tells me. There always is. I mean after all, they did try marriage counseling and she told him that she hadn't been happy for years before deciding to divorce. He's also told me of his need for space in the relationship where they did take time away from each other. Maybe I have a manipulator on my hands here.

 

I am truly trying to be a friend right now. I did want a relationship with him, I will admit that, and he seemed ready and willing to begin with. He came on strong and was very caring and affectionate before becoming distant. When I asked him about it, he blamed the distant nature on his divorce and depression. Why would I think he was lying? I've been grappling with this for months now. I have in fact backed off from him, letting him know that I know he's not ready for anything else, telling him that I just want to be here for him because I know he needs a friend. Or he's led me to believe he needs a friend, at least until he started ignoring my messages. I texted him from an alternate number to make sure he wasn't dead, honestly. He's made me think that he doesn't care about his life. It's hard to know for sure if he is manipulating me. I just know that he's never just ignored messages or not responded for this long before. Even 8 years ago when he left me for his ex, he was still trying to keep in contact.

 

They are long distance. She doesn't really know anything about his life outside of all the "oh, woe is me" drama he is feeding her. Why is he deliberately ignoring her messages but responding immediately to a stranger?

I agree that I really know nothing about him and his life other than what he says. My question exactly. I was hurt that he responded immediately to a stranger like that. But then the response itself was not something you say to someone you don't know.

 

Personally I think the OP needs to go no contact to keep her own head screwed on straight. This guy has a whole life that hasn't included her and I don't believe for second that she is the only person who can help him.

He does have a whole different life that I know nothing about. He was out of my life for 7 years. A lot can happen in that time.

 

I completely agree, and was about to say the same... but then, it felt appropriate to be compassionate and send the occasional message of concern and support. If this can be done while maintaining her own emotional well being, it is the compassionate thing to do.

Herein lies the conundrum. Continue to reach out to a possible manipulator who probably loves this attention, and it hurting me more that he doesn't respond, or continue to reach out to a man who is considered a friend who is in quite possibly his lowest time in his life.

[BaileyB]

Oh, I can well imagine that this kind of behavior, among other things, is a good reason why his wife left him. This isn't just a "depressed mood," this kind of behavior is indicative of a serious depressive disorder.

 

Which is why, for me it would be pretty black and white. It wouldn't really matter to me if he was doing this for attention or trying to manipulate the situation... I would never be in a relationship with someone who has this kind of illness.

 

I personally don't think that he's trying to get your attention/manipulate you because he is not responding to your messages. He has effectively cut off all communication with you. If he is looking to manipulate anyone, I think he is looking to manipulate his wife... Just one thought.

[Samantha.Leo]

Oh, I can well imagine that this kind of behavior, among other things, is a good reason why his wife left him. This isn't just a "depressed mood," this kind of behavior is indicative of a serious depressive disorder.

 

Which is why, for me it would be pretty black and white. It wouldn't really matter to me if he was doing this for attention or trying to manipulate the situation... I would never be in a relationship with someone who has this kind of illness.

 

I personally don't think that he's trying to get your attention/manipulate you because he is not responding to your messages. He has effectively cut off all communication with you. If he is looking to manipulate anyone, I think he is looking to manipulate his wife... Just one thought.

 

Yeah, I can certainly see a serious depressive disorder too. He's got some issues. He hid them very well 8 years ago. I had no idea it went this deep. He has cut me completely out of his life, and it was rather sudden, and nothing happened on my side to make him do it, which has left my head spinning. I almost typed that he couldn't manipulate his wife because she has a protective order against him, but now that I think about it, he certainly might be doing just that. He's letting her think that he is sleeping in his truck when he is actually staying with roommates. Hmmm...

 

Well, I have decided that I've done what I can. He has to do the rest himself if he wants to get better. I have to protect my own (now) fragile mind. I can't let it tear me up any more than it already has.

[Samantha.Leo]

I'm really thankful for all of the outsider's perspectives that I am getting. It's helping me see this situation from other angles. Being IN the situation makes you blind to all the different reasons and happenings. So thanks again.

[BC1980]

Glad to see I'm not the only one thinking this. This is a guy who ditched the OP years ago to be with another woman. Now, 7yrs later and after a couple of months of talking, everyone thinks the OP should be his saviour? They are long distance. She doesn't really know anything about his life outside of all the "oh, woe is me" drama he is feeding her. Why is he deliberately ignoring her messages but responding immediately to a stranger? Personally I think the OP needs to go no contact to keep her own head screwed on straight. This guy has a whole life that hasn't included her and I don't believe for second that she is the only person who can help him.

 

This is a good point to make. When you don't live near someone, you don't really know what's going on in their lives. He's not even divorced at this point, so, for all we know, he could go back to his wife or have another woman that lives near him. I wouldn't dismiss the idea that he is saying he is super depressed as a way to put distance between him and the OP. It's normal to feel depressed if you are going through a divorce, but it seems like a convenient excuse not to talk all of a sudden.

[BC1980]

Yeah, I can certainly see a serious depressive disorder too. He's got some issues. He hid them very well 8 years ago. I had no idea it went this deep. He has cut me completely out of his life, and it was rather sudden, and nothing happened on my side to make him do it, which has left my head spinning. I almost typed that he couldn't manipulate his wife because she has a protective order against him, but now that I think about it, he certainly might be doing just that. He's letting her think that he is sleeping in his truck when he is actually staying with roommates. Hmmm...

 

Well, I have decided that I've done what I can. He has to do the rest himself if he wants to get better. I have to protect my own (now) fragile mind. I can't let it tear me up any more than it already has.

 

I don't know how likely it is, but I think you have to consider that he is trying to patch things up with his wife. That might be the explanation for his sudden severing of communication. Either that, or he's having second thoughts about talking to you again after all these years.