Are there ways to tell if your boyfriend is gay?

[Marie]

Hi,

 

I was wondering if someone could help me. I have been in a relationship with this man for about 2 and half years. I am really starting to notice a change in him since the start of the new year. We didn't spend new years together nor did I have him over for the holidays simply because at the time, our relationship was a bit rocky.

 

I know that he resents me for it but I know deep down this guy wants nothing to do with my family. Still I have not given up on him, because I love him so much.

 

My question is that I am now starting to believe all the rumours that surround my boyfriends sexuality. I have heard from some of his coworkers that he is gay. It could be that he was so close to a former boss( who is gay). I too find it odd that he would be spending so much time with the man who is gay. What could a heterosexual man have in common with a man who is not heterosexual. I am not homophobic at all, but it really hurts me to think that my boyfriend is gay. He has told me that he thinks gay people are more honest and sincere as opposed to straight. He also frequents a gym that is situated in a predominately gay neighbourhood. It is a known fact that gay men go there to 'pick up'. Now that his 'boss' is leaving the country, he seems very much stressed and upset about it. I know it could very well be that he was close to this man, but could there be a possibility that he is sexually involved with this man too???

 

Many times when we are walking I would spot gay men who wink at my boyfriend, and much to my surprise he didn't even notice. He is now more than ever starting to be more distant from me and not wanting to spend time with me as much as before. He is not as initimate with me either.

 

He currently lives with his flatmate who recently starting seeing this girl. Again, he is voicing his unhappiness that his flatmate is seeing someone. It seems he is jealous. I also notice that before when his flatmate became single he would always treat him better than me. I also feel that his flatmate is somewhat asexual or could possibly be gay himself. I don't know him too well but there is a possibility. I no longer feel like a gf to him but now I feel I am more of a buddy to my boyfriend.

 

I find he only recently wants to be affectionate again because his flatmate is seeing someone. At times I feel he is thinking of him when we are being initimate. The timing of everything just seems too weird. He would tell me that he finds these male actors ( which girls would find very attractive) to be good looking and he would rent movies with whom the actor stars in ... and of course I am not there to watch the movie. Can it be that he is in the closet still.. afraid to come out? He has recently gone out to dinner or whatever with his former boss and claims other people were there too with him, but I have a suspicion it was just the two of them. How could I approach this??

 

What can I do to really find out once and for all, without saying anything. I want to know now because I really want to know whether or not staying in this relationship is worth it or not.

 

I hope someone could help me.

 

Thanks,

 

Marie

[Tony T]

This is a pretty serious situation. Although you have no hard or absolute evidence that your guy is gay or bisexual, you need to nail this down.

 

The fact that you even suspect that he might be, in my opinion, is grounds for moving on. I personally would not stay with a woman who gave me reason to suspect she might be a lesbian or even bisexual.

 

I really don't see how you can carry on any kind of dignified relationship with a man under the circumstances and suspicions you describe.

 

In this case, you need to come right out and tell him what you're thinking and why. It really doesn't matter what his reaction is...but if he's straight, he'll probably get a good laugh. If he's gay, he'll be relieved. You need to get the truth here ASAP!

[Marie]

So Tony,

 

Are you saying that what I have told you that maybe he is TRYING to tell me something???

 

Do you think he might be gay. So you are telling me that by the things he is saying and his actions that there is a chance that he might be gay and afraid to come out and say it?

 

Just with my suspicions alone, you think that its good enough(though not based on facts but observation or gut instincts) reason to leave him after almost 3 years together.

 

I feel being with someone for this long, I think I deserve to be told this in the beginning. I feel like I have been strung along and led on to think something good will come out of this relationship.

 

Tony, could you please give me something more positive or as a guy you already think that what I have written here is serious enough as it is and there is no way that I could be wrong.

 

Thank you Tony.

 

Marie

This is a pretty serious situation. Although you have no hard or absolute evidence that your guy is gay or bisexual, you need to nail this down. The fact that you even suspect that he might be, in my opinion, is grounds for moving on. I personally would not stay with a woman who gave me reason to suspect she might be a lesbian or even bisexual. I really don't see how you can carry on any kind of dignified relationship with a man under the circumstances and suspicions you describe.

 

In this case, you need to come right out and tell him what you're thinking and why. It really doesn't matter what his reaction is...but if he's straight, he'll probably get a good laugh. If he's gay, he'll be relieved. You need to get the truth here ASAP!