What practical steps do I need to take to prepare for a life as a single person?

[Eternal Sunshine]

As I am entering late 30s and observing the limited options that are left over in terms of single men, I truly can't see myself ever finding someone I will be happy with. It's just not going to happen.

 

What worries me the most, as I enter old age is the lack of people that genuinely care about me and that I can count on in case of emergencies. I have my family (well only my parents really) but they live in another state and they won't be around forever. I have 1 close friend that lives in another country. Other than that, I have a ton of acquaintance type of people in my life, none that I would be comfortable in calling.

 

When everything is going well, I love my life. People tend to love being around you when things are fun. It's when things go wrong that I feel most alone. I recently had a stroke of bad lack, had to go to ED and was in hospital overnight. In the city where I lived for about 3 years now, I didn't have a single person that I felt comfortable calling. When asked who will come to pick me up, I had to say "an uber". It's tough. Even when I have a flu, I have to drag myself to the pharmacy with high fever and go to the doctor by myself. I have to fix everything around the house by myself, I have to carry/move heavy furniture by myself. It's so HARD and it sometimes gets me down.

 

I had ex boyfriends help me move couple of times before but they only did it because they secretly hoped we would get back together or at least sleep together. I felt bad for leading them on but I really needed the help.

 

What happens if I get struck with chronic illness and am no longer able to do all the running around by myself? I have no idea.

 

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

[Els]

Well, realistically, lots of partnered or married women end up needing to be cared for by nursing home folks in their final years of life. Women tend to live 3 - 5 years longer than men on average, so the majority of widows are women. This is exacerbated if a woman chooses to be with an older man, in which case sometimes they are looking at a decade alone or more. Children are not really a guarantee against this either, as many children have lives of their own or live far away.

 

That being said, it's tough. I empathize. I was traveling alone for work once when I fell quite sick. I was in a foreign land without anyone I could rely on, and I needed Google translate to even read anything! Getting medicines from the pharmacy was insanely difficult in that situation. Having a partner around can really help with things like that.

[carhill]

As an older single, here's my .02....

 

1. Live safe. Don't take unnecessary risks. Don't let the ego write checks the body can't cash. This can be an issue if one is used to taking risks or doing otherwise dangerous things. Mellow out.

 

2. Plan ahead. Learn about assistance options. They are out there but require something other than a solitary existence, meaning interacting with the local community and making an effort to learn.

 

I'll give one example as an older single. Medical.... need a routine colon examination. Traditional colonoscopy requires anesthesia and someone to claim the body, so to speak, after coming out of it post-procedure. No one available to transport or provide care. Plan B- since no history of colon cancer in family, opt instead for stool examination as screening. No need to arrange for transport/retrieval/care at distant medical facility. Take a dump, package and send to lab, get results. If cancer is detected, then move to next plan, care and assistance, at a cost.

 

Form up an advance care directive even if no health care POA is currently available.

 

Pre-pay a simple death plan.

 

Make a will and trust, if applicable, as normal. Same with financial POA.

 

Set up life to be self-sufficient. Don't count on others. Of course, enjoy friendships and social contact but don't depend on the generosity or care of others for survival.

 

I did this by substantially downsizing and simplifying my life post-marriage and choosing a place I want to die. With that decision in place, moving forward to implement the rest of the plan while vertical and healthy. We all die. That is guaranteed. How we get there is up to us.

 

Plan on growing old alone. That doesn't mean one will or has to, just have the plan in place and revisit it periodically.

 

My parents, even though married for life, did this, and it greatly benefited my mother in her older years, as she lived alone as a widow for life and I took the place of a disinterested manager for the time she was demented. Someone else could have handled it too, at a cost. That was all in the plan. I still happened to be alive so I did it.

 

So, when I'm up on the roof nailing shingles or one-handing the chainsaw in a tree trimming branches, the plan is on my mind

[RecentChange]

Can you do something about strengthening your social circle?

 

I think it is important to have people that you can turn to for support, and that you can support as well (because it's rewarding!)

 

For example - I don't have any family in my immediate town (but I do have a dad about 2 hours away), I have some friends who I have kept close since high school (one in particular is my rock, I can turn to her when S hits the fan and vice versa) - and I have been in my new city and have accumulated a large group of aquaintances.

 

I am married.... So, of course I have him.... BUT

 

He was out of town for work all last week- and my mother died suddenly. For a moment I felt so alone.

 

But I called my dad and he offered support, I called my life long bestie and she offered support, but no one was around for a hug... Which I really needed.

 

It was also my birthday

 

In the end I decided to go out, and I ran into those "aquaintances" and you know what? I discovered many of them are truly friends. I felt so loved and supported. It reminded me of the importance of social connections (I have a tendency to hermit).

 

Strengthen your bonds - offer to be there for them, so that they can be there for you. We all need support sometimes, to give and receive.

Edited September 18, 2017 by RecentChange

[CptInsano]

It's when things go wrong that I feel most alone. I recently had a stroke of bad lack, had to go to ED and was in hospital overnight. In the city where I lived for about 3 years now, I didn't have a single person that I felt comfortable calling.

 

That's indeed an issue, and one that you will need to work on. When I look at my mother for example, who has been widowed for 15 years, she very strongly relies on friends for many things. Luckily, you still have time. And it also appears to that people rediscover friends once they are not that busy with work and family anymore.

 

But you are not alone. One of the people working for me designated me as the agent in her living will before she underwent some serious surgery. She couldn't think of anybody else but her boss.

 

But yes, I would try to work on those friendships, if possible. You will not only rely on them for physical/tangible support, but they will also strengthen your resolve to carry on.

Edited September 18, 2017 by CptInsano

[nospam99]

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

 

Off topic to the quoted question, late 30s strikes me as too early to 'abandon hope'. But that's just a personal opinion.

 

On topic, I am currently an 'older single' (early 60s so not 'that old'). I expect to be able to rely on young relatives if and when the time comes. Aside from my children, an option not applicable in your case, my cousins all have children and the family, though not super close, is close enough that I would be surprised if 'the kids' would not be willing to step in to, at the very least, perform POA tasks. For those not so fortunate to have relatives, at least in NY state there are several Social Service Agencies e.g. County Office for the Aging whose purpose it is to assist older singles (couples too). Ditto churches and charities. Were I not lucky enough to have family, I would certainly be establishing relationships with those agencies and organizations .... in another 15 years or so .... maybe .

[darkmoon]

learn to like your own company, if you do not already

 

you can hire handymen on-line by posting jobs, choose an on-line outfit where customers leave ratings so that you hire the right handyman

 

you can watch TV all night, eat what you like, dress ditto, meditate all day, the internet provides extra company, which I think is a trend we are all enjoying

 

eat right each day, to stay healthy

[Sweetfish]

As I am entering late 30s and observing the limited options that are left over in terms of single men, I truly can't see myself ever finding someone I will be happy with. It's just not going to happen.

 

What worries me the most, as I enter old age is the lack of people that genuinely care about me and that I can count on in case of emergencies. I have my family (well only my parents really) but they live in another state and they won't be around forever. I have 1 close friend that lives in another country. Other than that, I have a ton of acquaintance type of people in my life, none that I would be comfortable in calling.

 

When everything is going well, I love my life. People tend to love being around you when things are fun. It's when things go wrong that I feel most alone. I recently had a stroke of bad lack, had to go to ED and was in hospital overnight. In the city where I lived for about 3 years now, I didn't have a single person that I felt comfortable calling. When asked who will come to pick me up, I had to say "an uber". It's tough. Even when I have a flu, I have to drag myself to the pharmacy with high fever and go to the doctor by myself. I have to fix everything around the house by myself, I have to carry/move heavy furniture by myself. It's so HARD and it sometimes gets me down.

 

I had ex boyfriends help me move couple of times before but they only did it because they secretly hoped we would get back together or at least sleep together. I felt bad for leading them on but I really needed the help.

 

What happens if I get struck with chronic illness and am no longer able to do all the running around by myself? I have no idea.

 

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

 

Self-actualization. Truly under stand your self and the world around you.

[No_Go]

Straighten up all your financial affairs: especially retirement accounts, other investments etc.

 

I personally never relied or anyone, even family, in time of need or not. I ended up hospitalized with life-threatening emergency last year, like you uber was my best friend I told some friends later after it was all finished. They may have helped, I don't know, but I didn't see the need.

 

Single or not, for me that's the plan:

- pay off my mortgage before retirement

- have long term investments aside

- research nursing homes if need be

- write a proper will

- learn home maintenance as much as I can to reduce expenses, and have a list of reliable contractors if needs arise

- enjoy life, and if need arises - have the funds to pay for live-in assistant or nursing home.

 

If I am not single, it is exactly the same, just more complicated because I'll need to take care of my bf/husband/kids on top. It will be nice if someone thinks about me but I neither need it nor expect it.

 

As I am entering late 30s and observing the limited options that are left over in terms of single men, I truly can't see myself ever finding someone I will be happy with. It's just not going to happen.

 

What worries me the most, as I enter old age is the lack of people that genuinely care about me and that I can count on in case of emergencies. I have my family (well only my parents really) but they live in another state and they won't be around forever. I have 1 close friend that lives in another country. Other than that, I have a ton of acquaintance type of people in my life, none that I would be comfortable in calling.

 

When everything is going well, I love my life. People tend to love being around you when things are fun. It's when things go wrong that I feel most alone. I recently had a stroke of bad lack, had to go to ED and was in hospital overnight. In the city where I lived for about 3 years now, I didn't have a single person that I felt comfortable calling. When asked who will come to pick me up, I had to say "an uber". It's tough. Even when I have a flu, I have to drag myself to the pharmacy with high fever and go to the doctor by myself. I have to fix everything around the house by myself, I have to carry/move heavy furniture by myself. It's so HARD and it sometimes gets me down.

 

I had ex boyfriends help me move couple of times before but they only did it because they secretly hoped we would get back together or at least sleep together. I felt bad for leading them on but I really needed the help.

 

What happens if I get struck with chronic illness and am no longer able to do all the running around by myself? I have no idea.

 

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

[No_Go]

Exactly that! I can't put my head around why in this day and age people say they *need* spouse for any kind of assistance - life nowadays is so simple and automated, any task can be done with a click of a finger, apps exist for everything.

 

Health maintenance is self task anyway.

 

Company is another story, but it is a *want* not a need.

 

learn to like your own company, if you do not already

 

you can hire handymen on-line by posting jobs, choose an on-line outfit where customers leave ratings so that you hire the right handyman

 

you can watch TV all night, eat what you like, dress ditto, meditate all day, the internet provides extra company, which I think is a trend we are all enjoying

 

eat right each day, to stay healthy

[Kamille]

I once read that the best way to make friends is to ask for help. It might sound counter-intuitive - especially to someone like you, who I perceive as proud, strong and independent. But the best way to find friends who will be there for you when you need them is to not be afraid to reach out to them when you need help with the small stuff. Personally, I consider getting picked up from the hospital a fairly small ask - but you could have started with asking a friend to keep you company by texting with you while you waited out the results. (I did both just this summer too. Hope you're okay health-wise! ER visits are not fun.)

 

When you find yourself at the hospital needing a ride home, call a friend and ask them if they will come pick you up. That will make your bond stronger. Why? People like to feel useful. People will feel closer to you if you reach out to them. So it doesn't go: build friendship and then allow yourself to show vulnerability. Showing vulnerability is the raw material of friendship.

 

I had surgery this summer and had to ask for help a lot more than I've ever needed to before in my life. I swallowed my pride and asked friends for help with groceries, rides, company, heck even cooking. The benefit is that it's helped me realize that yes, I do have friends who will be there for me. And now, I really don't feel lonely even though I'm single*.

 

To sum up: practice asking for help.

 

Amidst surgery woes, the romance I had at the beginning of the summer also took a nosedive.

[clia]

What happens if I get struck with chronic illness and am no longer able to do all the running around by myself? I have no idea.

 

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

 

Social circle. My mom and many of her friends are single (all ladies in their 50s-70s). They rely on each other when they need rides to doctor's appointments or anything else. My mom took her best friend back and forth for months when she was having cancer treatments.

 

If that doesn't work for you, I think there are services you can hire that will help out with care and things like that. Maybe it's worth exploring that so you can have something set up in advance if you need it.

[JuneJulySeptember]

As I am entering late 30s and observing the limited options that are left over in terms of single men, I truly can't see myself ever finding someone I will be happy with. It's just not going to happen.

 

What worries me the most, as I enter old age is the lack of people that genuinely care about me and that I can count on in case of emergencies. I have my family (well only my parents really) but they live in another state and they won't be around forever. I have 1 close friend that lives in another country. Other than that, I have a ton of acquaintance type of people in my life, none that I would be comfortable in calling.

 

When everything is going well, I love my life. People tend to love being around you when things are fun. It's when things go wrong that I feel most alone. I recently had a stroke of bad lack, had to go to ED and was in hospital overnight. In the city where I lived for about 3 years now, I didn't have a single person that I felt comfortable calling. When asked who will come to pick me up, I had to say "an uber". It's tough. Even when I have a flu, I have to drag myself to the pharmacy with high fever and go to the doctor by myself. I have to fix everything around the house by myself, I have to carry/move heavy furniture by myself. It's so HARD and it sometimes gets me down.

 

I had ex boyfriends help me move couple of times before but they only did it because they secretly hoped we would get back together or at least sleep together. I felt bad for leading them on but I really needed the help.

 

What happens if I get struck with chronic illness and am no longer able to do all the running around by myself? I have no idea.

 

I am just wondering how do older singles deal with this stuff? I am more looking for practical advice.

 

Look for new friends.

 

Before I met my current GF, I was looking on Meetup and the internet, trying to find some new people I could buddy around with and possibly grow a relationship.

 

I have a couple of strong friendships, but they all have kids, and are basically completely MIA.

 

I even went on Craigslist and answered and posted ads looking for new same sex friends (that was weird). These are types of things you do when you're single and over 40.

 

In any case, when you're 40 or over and single, you can pace yourself. Some weekends, I was perfectly content to do my own thing. Other weekends, I was kind of lonely, so I tried to branch out.

 

There's lots of people I know that age and still single and they all handle it in different ways.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I am married.... So, of course I have him.... BUT

 

He was out of town for work all last week- and my mother died suddenly. For a moment I felt so alone.

.

 

Sorry about your loss...

[JuneJulySeptember]

I would also like to add that, when you find somebody to date who really, truly cares about you and will do the things like drive you to the hospital and listen when you are down, that becomes a de facto majorly attractive attribute.

 

I know women kind of think that any shmuck that they agree to date generally takes on those characteristics, so it's not really a plus, but in a practical sense, it is.

Edited September 18, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Els]

I would also like to add that, when you find somebody to date who really, truly cares about you and will do the things like drive you to the hospital and listen when you are down, that becomes a de facto majorly attractive attribute.

 

I know women kind of think that any shmuck that they agree to date generally takes on those characteristics, so it's not really a plus, but in a practical sense, it is.

 

Of course it is hugely attractive. That doesn't mean it can't be a basic requirement either - IMO if you're in a relationship with someone who DOESN'T do any of that, might as well be single.

[Shanex]

That's a nice self-reflection and I recognize myself in most of it, except I am a guy.

 

I am slightly younger, have no siblings and some cousins who are too far away to actually give a stuff about me. We cheers during Christmas and sometimes during summer when they come over, and that's about it... aside from that and like you, I have my aging parents around. They are not eternal not to mention they had me in their 30s so they aren't getting any younger.

 

The point about vague acquantainces seems true. We all have some acquantainces, but we don't really call or text them. I thought in my 20s I had oh so many friends, all being 'party pals' and aren't around anymore. The true friends are a small circle of 4-5 friends among which the closest are two about my age and single and childless obviously. The married ones don't hang out with 'loners' like us.

 

Oh I do have a girlfriend, but we are not planning marriage or children and although things go well and she's a great company and lover, I'm not delusional, she or I could get bored or meet someone else. I'm past being heads over heels at the beginning of any new relationship, I've been dumped or heartbroken enough to get a clue, but I cannot allow myself to be bitter right now.

 

See? You're right that your ex boyfriends could be reliable and relatable but if they have in mind secretly or not to get back with you and you don't want to, you are going to hurt them, maybe yourself in the process.

 

Why is it harder for people to make friends past 30? I once posed the question. Most people are either coupled up, hyper busy with their career and have children, or the all three. It's a bit sad to be ''left in the dust'' when honestly people like you and those who can relate are fairly interesting, attractive and succesful. Don't give up yet, work on making friends or call aquantainces or find real life hobbies. I know too many older people who are happy to make me think there's something better for you to look forward than a lonely death.

Edited September 19, 2017 by Shanex

[Popsicle]

Recent Change, I'm very sorry about your loss.

 

ES, I understand. I was hospitalized a few years ago and went through this thought process. I've observed over the years that I'm not alone in this, and even seen celebrities go through it (where all they have around them are assistants that they are paying). I like the suggestions to make friends and foster your bond with them. I also liked Carhill suggestions and No Go's suggestions about keeping your finances up to par.

[Popsicle]

To sum up: practice asking for help.

 

This is actually true. I think all friends have a purpose and place in your life. Some are closer than others and it's all good as long as you know where you stand. Start by asking little things when it's not an emergency.

Once you find out which ones will be there for you and which ones won't, you can make a mental note of who to call and who not to tell. Just don't be upset if they all won't run to your aide. Not all friends will but they still may be okay to hang out and do things with or talk to for entertainment.

[Kellens]

Although I currently have a boyfriend, I'm also in my late 30's (God I hate saying that ) and about 2 years ago when I was single, I went on vacation to CA to visit a friend. When I arrived back to NY, I turned on my phone and realized that I didn't have a single person (besides the one I visited) to text who would care that I arrived back safely. After this I was slightly depressed and realized that I didn't really have any friends and if something happened to me on a Friday night, no one would realize it until Monday when I didn't show up for work.. yes I know these are morbid thoughts but I understand your thought process in regards to thinking about the future.

 

I know from personal experience that making friends after 30 is difficult to do, especially if you're not outgoing. I used to have a bunch of friends 10 years ago. I have maybe 1 decent friend now and we don't speak very often and we hang out maybe once every 2 months. I have family but we are pretty dysfunctional and don't speak often, not the most caring bunch.

I don't expect my current boyfriend to be forever, I have also had my share of heartbreak and no longer believe in forever so I think having friends will be important for my future.

 

I have looked up meetups but I have been too much of a punk to attend any of them. I'm not sure if you're from a city but in NYC they seem to have a lot of them. Maybe you can meet meet some new friends that way? Or try to take a class on something that you're interested in. I recently took a sewing class but there was only 1 other person in attendance and she wasn't friendly but at least I tried! And you never know if you'll find something more since you're not really looking for it

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thank you all for replying. Just seeing that there are others in similar(ish) situations makes me feel less alone.

 

Kamille made a good point about asking for help. It's incredibly hard for me to do. I don't want people to be obliged to say yes. What if they really don't want to help but then feel like a bad person so they agree to help while secretly resenting me? Or what if they flat out say no? I would be crushed.

 

I also think making a point of having finances in order is the key. People can be hired and payed to do pretty much anything now.....except genuinely care about you

 

I am already investing my superannuation and have started looking into retirement homes. I actually had a co-worker walk into my office when I was browsing retirement homes recently and he thought I was looking into them for my parents. I was too embarrassed to say it was actually for myself :/

[The Urbanyst]

Thank you all for replying. Just seeing that there are others in similar(ish) situations makes me feel less alone.

 

Kamille made a good point about asking for help. It's incredibly hard for me to do. I don't want people to be obliged to say yes. What if they really don't want to help but then feel like a bad person so they agree to help while secretly resenting me? Or what if they flat out say no? I would be crushed.

 

I also think making a point of having finances in order is the key. People can be hired and payed to do pretty much anything now.....except genuinely care about you

 

I am already investing my superannuation and have started looking into retirement homes. I actually had a co-worker walk into my office when I was browsing retirement homes recently and he thought I was looking into them for my parents. I was too embarrassed to say it was actually for myself :/

 

 

Without a life partner.. MONEY is your best friend. It solves almost every problem and creates almost no problems. Without a partner to suck up your time.. you should focus on your career, investing and MONEY in general. I do this and I'm only in my early 30's.

 

The way I see it.. you can get a life partner, get married and blah, blah, blah.. then one day when you're 45, 50 or any other age that partner can get killed in a car accident, die of an illness or just decide to leave you for some reason. Then guess what? You are right back in the same situation of being single and alone.

 

I just don't bank on people because you just never know for sure what they will do. I hope I find a life partner that sticks around, but I'm making a Plan B just in case lol.

[fred123]

Give the nice guys who are into you a chance

[lucy_in_disguise]

Facing life's challenges alone is hard but you are not alone - in that many people, including those who are or at some point were married, are in the same boat.

 

I agree with what has already been said. Money is great for security and can buy any help that you need. Still, it's important for your emotional and mental well-being to have a strong community and people you feel you can rely on.

 

I second the comment about asking for help. Besides helping to weed out "true friends" there is another benefit - asking, and receiving help makes people like you more and feel closer to you.

 

There are two reasons for this. First, most people like feeling useful. It makes them feel good about themselves- important and generous. So, helping you may not be a burden so much as a pleasure.

 

Second, people think more positively about someone they have helped. It's a mental trick that validates their choice to do so. They are literally investing in you, and want to see a good outcome.

 

So, asking for help can actually be a good way to make friends. Not to mention, it helps break down that barrier in the relationship. I am sure you'd be surprised by how many of your acquaintances face some of the same issues sometimes. Asking for help shows them it's ok for them to come to you- tit for tat and all- something they may very much appreciate.

 

I think many of us would like stronger communities outside the nuclear family relationships. Reaching out can help pave the way.

[Redhead14]

Sit down with a good financial planner . . . then sit down and focus on making your life as full and rich as you possibly can. No don't sit down, get out there and have a great time! The world has a lot to offer. Use it to your advantage everyday. Treat yourself well. Do something nice for yourself every day, even if it's just something small.