Should I allow my 3 year old around my mother-in-law that doesn't like me?

[understanding4you]

As much as I've wished from day 1 of meeting my mother in law that we would have a great and loving relationship, the reality of the matter is that we don't. I didn't have a good feeling when I met her and she has since given me every reason to feel that way. I've researched and researched the negative behaviors she's exhibited towards me and have came across Narcissistic Sociopath. She seems to fit this description to the tee. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4. And the sad truth is, I wonder everyday if I've made the right choice of marrying him because of my relationship with his family. We want another child, but I'm hesitant to even bring another one into this world with this nightmare I'm dealing with. I just feel like having another baby makes me even more committed to being around his family and I don't feel good when around them. Let me just start off my giving a brief synopsis into why I've never had good feelings about my MIL:

 

In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, she told him that one day when I was waiting outside for him in my car, that I shut the door or window in her face when she went outside to briefly talk to me. A complete lie. Just off of that one incident, I knew I was dealing with trouble. Throughout the years, she would just treat me differently in subtle little ways. I always felt like I wasn't "Spanish" enough to be worth her time. Although I am part, I do not speak the language fluently. And although she speaks English perfectly well and has been here for 30+ years, she'll always choose to speak Spanish, which I understand is her first language, but there have been times where both her and one of my SIL's have carried long conversations in front of me, knowing I didn't understand their conversation and I felt that was rude and done purposely just to be bitches. She's also done that on several other occasions, even if she was talking in English, she has talked over and through me as if I'm not sitting right there next to her. When we first became pregnant I had lost the baby and she felt the need to come to the hospital with my 8 months pregnant SIL which made me feel even more bad to see a big ol belly in my face. My SIL never said a word to me..not a sorry for your loss or anything..my MIL felt the need to tell me that maybe I have an infants uterus and can't carry a child. Over time, I've just felt unwelcomed in her home and I feel like her insensitive ways rub off on my SIL's too (husbands brothers wives). She controls them and in return does pretty much anything for them so it seems like a win/win for them both. For example, she always has to have a say in their parenting decisions and when it comes to her grandchildrens parties, she will throw the entire thing for credit and recognition where the parents don't ever have to lift a finger and they love it. She has tried doing this once for my baby shower, but my mother unlike the others wanted to be involved in her own daughters shower and would not let her hold the reigns. My mother told her she can help out in anyway, making decor or favors, etc., but she was not to be fully in charge of it. My mom was the one choosing the place and food—rightfully so as she was the one who was paying for it. I later found out that when my mother told her what theme I wanted, she wanted to change it to what she thought would be better!?? Well she got all bent over for once being told what she can simply help out with instead of controlling the entire thing and bad mouthed my mother to my husbands whole side of the family and threatened not to go to the shower. She was also upset that I didn't want her in the delivery room as she was for all her other grandchildren (not even my SIL's own mothers were in the room for their births). It's always mind boggled me over the years how much control she has on the others. They all stick to each other like glue. No one can do anything by themselves. Everyone has to be all together all the time. They invite my MIL to every single thing. She's never not in the mix, whether it be going to an amusement park, pumpkin picking, etc., she's there! We can never just invite one of his brothers over with their wife and kids without the whole rest of the family coming along. My mother in law knows no boundaries. She even invited herself to my husband's aunts house(on his fathers side, whom she's been divorced from for 15 years) because him, his brothers, their wives and kids were invited to the family function. Last year they had the same gathering and she was expressing to everyone how she felt very offended to not be invited?! Why would you be invited?!!?! So this year she took it upon herself and just showed up with my two SIL's. Her two pets, one on each arm--so sickening to watch. My husband was very upset by this as she's not part of that family & it just made it an awkward scene, most of all for his actual father and his wife who were now forced to be around her. My husband pulled his aunt to the side and asked if she invited her. She said she didn't, as we assumed!

 

Getting back to me, I've felt like because I'm so independent from her, it pisses her off greatly. I have a good job, a college degree and just overall have my **** together. I don't rely on her like the others, who rather go to her house for dinner every night because then they don't have to cook for themselves. I think she hates that I am who I am—my own person and is jealous of me and the fact that I can hold my own, taking care of her son and our child. And to be quite frank, I wouldn't be surprised if my two SIL's felt the same way. I'm the only woman who came into the family as first dating my husband, then marrying him as the other two both were welcomed into the family because they became pregnant and it was at that time that they were introduced to everyone. I've always been very nice and polite to both of them, though more on the quiet side because I never felt like I had anything in common with them until we had kids. However, I found it a bit hard to befriend one of them as she happened to be my brother in laws sidechick. He was dating a girl for 10 years with whom he was engaged to when he was having an affair and got the other one pregnant (she knew he was in a relationship too). She was going to keep the baby and at that point was introduced to everyone as his new girlfriend as if his other relationship had never existed. I found it pretty disturbing how this girl was welcomed with such open arms all because she was carrying his baby. I began to notice how her and my other SIL had what seemed like an instant bond. They would plan outings together and I would never be given an invite. As much as I knew I was different and out of their league on so many different levels, I always kept that thought to myself and it would still hurt to feel left out being that I was so often around the entire family. I began to feel even more like the odd ball. I would know they'd go out together and sometimes even with my MIL, because of social media and picture posts. These were people I HAD to be around frequently because of how close my husband is to his family and regardless of the fact that I probably wouldn't hang out with them under any other circumstance, they are now my other family so naturally I still wanted to feel like I belonged.

 

Now let's fast forward to when the real problem started and why I don't want my child around her. Let me start off my putting out there right away that at this moment my MIL is neither talking to me nor my husband and has not contacted him or looked for our child in the past 3 months due to an incident that happened in the beginning of the summer. She has since then expressed to him how much she does not like me and that I am not welcomed in her home anymore. So this is what happened. I sent 'thank you' cards out with a picture of my daughter as a keepsake to everyone who attended her birthday party. When I sent the cards out to my husbands parents (mother and stepfather) I sent two separate thank you's as they both came separate, gave separate gifts, and are in the middle of a divorce. I also addressed her envelope with her maiden name not thinking anything of it since my husband verified before sending out the card, that she now receives mail to her maiden name, plus she had also changed her Facebook name back to maiden. Well, what a big mistake that was. She wound up texting me after receiving it telling me that she thinks I'm a rude person for not addressing her envelope with her married name being that their divorce isn't finalized yet. I preceded to tell her that it was never my intention to be rude, I apologized and explained to her how I didn't think it would upset her because she changed her name on FB and that her son told me that when he's been to her house he sees mail now addressed to her maiden name. Her response was that a) it's not true that her mail is addressed to her maiden name and b) changing her name on FB doesn't count ??!! It didn't stop there. From that day forward, she would post subliminal messages on FB about a person she did not like. I tried to ignore it and even tried convincing myself that the posts weren't directed towards me although I knew deep down they were! Everyday for the next month she would post something targeted towards "rude" people. At this time, my husband was still visiting his mother and would bring our daughter around her too. I never told him about the postings because I didn't want to sound petty. I felt like she wanted me to retaliate back and have some sort of cyber feud with her but I refused to stoop down to her level. I would always just ignore it. It wasn't until she posted something that was very directly directed towards me that I had had enough. Fed up and aggravated, I brought it to my husbands attention and explained to him the buildup and how I've been keeping my mouth shut. I told him this was bigger than a stupid "envelope". There's no way she's acting this harsh over an envelope and I know she's never liked me. She's just using this situation to her advantage and now she's disrespecting me. So he called her out on her bull**** and of course as with everything else, she played the victim role. He told her if she wouldn't respect me then she wouldn't be seeing him or our daughter. His brother also decided to put his input into the argument and told my husband that regardless of the situation, she's still his mother at the end of the day. Ok, so I guess that means her behavior is excusable because she's the "mother"! She even went as far as saying she would take him to court if he tried to keep the baby from her and that I'm a very disrespectful person, that he needs to be careful with me and that she knows bad things about me, but never told him. The last thing that she had said to him through a text was that she doesn't care for me but that her doors will always be open for him and my daughter whenever he decides to come around. I feel like they will always be on her side and will never see the real picture for what it is!This all happened a couple months ago and he has since not spoken to her. Recently, we went to his nephews birthday party at an amusement park where we knew she would be. I had so much anxiety leading up to this day and I did not want to go at all, but I knew it would give them something to talk about if I didn't go and the thought of his mother being around my daughter without me there didn't sit well with me so I sucked it up and just as I had expected, it was so awkward. She ignored us both (as did my SIL), but found her way to my daughter and tried to sneak off with her without my permission. I confronted her and told her my daughter stays with me. She rolled her eyes and walked off. My husband was so upset and noticed how my sister in law completely snubbed me when we arrived. She didn't say hi to my husband as well and just walked off with my MIL. I told him I honestly wasn't surprised at all. They're all her puppets and she has always had that control over them. We wound up doing our own thing and the rest of the family stuck together and did there's. We met up with them again so our daughter can at least go on some of the rides with her cousins and it was at that point where I saw my SIL and went straight up to her and gave her a nice big exaggerated hello. She said hi back and that was it. Walked away again. Within that hour the majority of them left and we were just with the hosts of the party (other SIL) for the remainder of the time.

 

It has been almost a month that has past since the party and here we go again, with another party coming up (his brothers second kid)..I really do not want to go. And I know it's going to give his family something to talk about if I don't. I also feel bad for my daughter, but I don't know how to avoid his family without her not being affected by it. She's 3 and she will at least once a week ask about her grandmother to us. She will say things randomly like, "I want to give her flowers" or "I want to go to her house". She's a very smart little girl and must have heard us talking out loud about the whole situation over the past couple months. A couple weeks ago she said to me, "Mommy, I need to have a talk with my Abuela. I need to tell her to like my Mommy and Daddy." I just don't know what to do. I don't even want my daughter around her without me. I don't want someone that dislikes me around not only me, but my child. I just feel so different from all of them. I have never felt warm and friendly vibes from any of them. I truly feel like they talk about me behind my back because I'm not like them. It's funny and this might sound super trivial, but my SIL since this whole ordeal hasn't even acknowledged any of my postings on social media—of my daughter of course. Here and there I post pictures of her and she's always glued to social media. I can see when she likes our other SIL's pictures whenever she posts something and she will never miss a "like" but of course it's so convenient to dismiss anything that I post. And these are things I keep to myself. I'll never vent to my husband about it because it's trivial, but it's just the little things that I notice. I have to say, the longer I've been away from them, the harder it is for me to even think about having to be around them again. I've felt so different this past summer not having contact with them. Like a sense of relief. A weight lifted off my shoulders. I noticed changes in myself. I was more focused and at peace in my life. I'm just at a point in my life where I'm done. I'm don't submitting myself to toxic people and toxic environments. I'm done putting my feelings on the back burner so my husband can be content like nothing's wrong. For years, I've battled these feelings. And I never wanted to burden him with them. Because I did in the very beginning and it seemed to just upset him. I felt like he didn't understand. And I'm going to be honest, I think everyday if I made the right decision in marrying him. It's too much drama. If it weren't for our daughter, I'm not too sure I'd be dealing with this nonsense. Not sure why I even dealt with it before bringing a child into the equation. I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm been doing a lot of reflecting on my life lately. This is the first time she's actually vocalizing her dislike towards me and it feels almost like a blessing because it has allowed my husband to put his foot down and in turn I've gained some peace from not having to be around them. 8 years of my life. I just can't stress enough how much of a burden I feel has been lifted off of my shoulders. This little ounce of peace I've been feeling feels so good and I don't want to give it up.

[preraph]

If your husband isn't talking to his mother, then no, don't let her see the kids either. But this may not last forever. I think now that they are on the outs is a good time to draw up some rules for if she ever gets to see the kids, and I think the only rule you may need is she doesn't get them alone and one of you has to be present at all times so she can't badmouth you to them. She may not care. She may be glad to not have to babysit. Also, just a tip. People who are onery tend to be more cooperative when not under their own roof, so any socializing with her ought to be done either at your place or on neutral territory.

[understanding4you]

Thank you so much for your input. I do know that this silence will be short lived. At least between him and his mother. I just have to learn how to cope with it once their relationship does evolve..

[d0nnivain]

If you want to stay away from her & your husband is OK with that, when he & she mend fences, don't deprive your child of the grandparent but have your husband be the one that facilitates the meetings.

[Miss Clavel]

secretly learn spanish. i understand a lot more spanish than i let on. it's fun to ease drop on convos that they don't realize i understand.

 

next, i have to say, this is not about "liking" someone. we all spend time, day after day, with people we "don't like".

 

this is about having good manners.

 

she has none. including trying to force her way into a room where you are spread eagle pushing a human out of your....uh,...privates.

 

you will have to brush up on your manners as well because pointing out other's lack of manners or their rudeness is, again, bad manners.

 

talking about people behind their backs, is bad manners. and that's what you are going to have to tell your child, when your MIL disses you behind you back.

 

it's bad manners to comment on an envelope that was sent with good intentions. FB is public, she "announced" her choice of how she wanted to be addressed to the entire family in public. you did the right thing saying you took your cue from her. and i would have followed up with, "regardless, did you get my card, because i meant what i wrote".

 

unless i miss my guess, some spanish speaking families regard their males as head of the household while the females are head of the family. meaning this is your husbands duty to see that you are respected where ever you go, as a family.

 

i put my foot down with my MIL when my oldest was 3. i swore i'd never step foot in her house again, and i haven't. however, her son took our children to her house, year after year, without me. they just loaded up the car and waved goodbye on most holidays, which i spent with my sibs or i was alone.

 

it never left my mind that my husband didn't stand up for me. he let her diss me and he chose her. no matter how he dressed it up, "they need their grandparents, she's not that bad, and my personal fav, she likes you, she likes you for me, she just doesn't love you or want to spend time with you".

 

stick to your family. keep your mouth shut. attend or don't attend depending on whether your husband can run interference and make it clear that your children will never be alone with her because it's not "safe".

 

have the kids learn spanish as well.

 

p.s. here's a cheery thought, one i hope you keep to yourself, someday, she's gonna die and then one of you will be in charge. and, there's a reason she's divorced. talk to her stbex. maybe he'd like to be in your family.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Miss Clavel

[Whoknew30]

You both sound petty & immature & looking for any reason to throw a fit...are you sure that you two aren't alike & see what you don't like in each other.

 

My parents are both of different nationalities & my mom's family would never speak English for my dad bc they felt more comfortable in their native language...never did my dad care, or anything other "married in" aunt or uncle.

 

So your SIL couldn't go to the hospital to visit you bc of your loss...I'm sorry that happened to you but what, someone should hide from you bc they didn't lose their pregnancy? Do you know how absurd & controlling both of your first paragraphs sound.

 

You seem to be looking for everything wrong & by doing that, you're always going to find wrong when you're sitting in a corner judging everything you don't like. As for you MIL going to a party she wasn't invited...how does it really affect you? If she embarrasses her self, why are you so worried about it.

 

I personally think it would get better if you we're so judgemental & controlling yourself. Your statement of her controlling everyone just sounds like you're controlling to...you're going to not have more kids bc your mil is controlling & you don't think that you don't sound the same of what you're saying you don't like her for...I say take a long good look in the mirror for a lot of these issues.

 

Good luck

[coolheadal]

Thank you so much for your input. I do know that this silence will be short lived. At least between him and his mother. I just have to learn how to cope with it once their relationship does evolve..

 

Well you see here, you have married into the family not only your husband. So you have to put up with a lot and I am sure you knew what you were getting into prior to this point. Now remember it's your kids, your family your husband. His mother needs to know you are in control not her. Do not let her get away with things. Your not there to make friends your there as his wife. Remember that. Stand-up and be counted as they say. That's why it's better to stay home with the kids and never go and visit his family. You will always be treated differently because your the outsider they're family. You bare his kids which are part of you and him. They see the kids as part of their family not yours. These people do not think like we do they have their own culture.