ex has moved on

[hotwheels]

Good Day Everyone,

I need to vent. Like the title says "the ex has moved on" and Im not dealing with it well. Im 46 and she is 35. We have been together for 14+ years as best friends and lovers. In that time we have been through many of life's ups and downs. I am a strong communicator, will help with anything, pay for most everything kind of guy where she tends to be a little more selfish, but somehow we find common ground except for one issue. I wanted a life companion to the end and so did she, but she also wanted the ring. This has been a sticking point for years. Over the last couple of weeks, just seeing and talking to her everyday I noticed a bright and bubbly change in her (hair, nails, makeup, etc...). My instinct told me there was a new guy in her life, so on our way to a family picnic I asked her. She told me that she met someone at her work (her 2nd job) and enjoys his company. I told her that I was happy for her (because I truly am). At first I felt a relief, but now I am feeling crushed. I am masking my emotions as best as I can, but it is hard. We still see or talk to each other once a day and I am the manager of a company where she works (her 3rd job)

I can put on a good front, but under it I feel bad. Its hard to stay focused, motivated and my confidence is shot. Along with the emotional state I feel I am also taking care of a ill parent and a pet. At my age many of the people I know are to wrapped up in there lives to talk to and at my age it gets harder to meet new people. I can go on and on, but I won't. I will not start talking down on her, because its not the kind of person I am. Thanks for reading. Any input would be appreciated.

[Soak]

You say she wanted the ring, you didn't, although i'm not sure why.

 

I guess she has found somebody who may give her the ring.

 

You had your chance, but did not give her what she desired, so it's time to either step up (if you want to), or let it go and deal with it in private.

 

Good on you for not taking it out on her at work. Perhaps the age difference was an issue, she might have seen you as a 'stable' other and not realised how invested you were in the relationship, due to not wanting to get married? Although fourteen years is a long time.

[HiCrunchy]

Not sure why you didn't want to take it step further with a ring considering you had been together for so long. Why is that op?

Edited September 21, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[DKT3]

14 years

 

Come on man, that is a long time to reasonably expect someone to be denied something they clearly felt was important. She left to have a chance to realize that dream, something you were unwilling to give you. If you really love her let her go and wish her the best.

[springy]

14 years is a very long time so I would imagine you are going to experience a range of emotions even though it seems maybe you didn't want her around anymore ( you said you felt relieved). Add to that the fact that she appears to be living a happy carefree life while you are working with an ill parent - perhaps that is where some of your pain is coming from?

 

I agree that as we get older it's a bit harder to find someone. We get stuck in habits - get up, go to work, come home, go see parent(s), go home, go to bed. Have any single friends you can hang out with? Time to put yourself out there, perhaps, when you are ready of course. When the ladies start coming make sure (at a reasonable time) that you don't want/believe in marriage. I'm sure there are others who will feel the same.

 

Take up a hobby or find something to participate in that gives you joy. Change up your routine some if you can. You might benefit from it; might put some spark back in your life

[hotwheels]

Thanks for for taking the time out of your days to send input. I agree that 14 years is a long time, but I was hoping that things would change. As I reflect on the relationship I see maybe something wasn't quite right. I am a communicator and she holds holds it in. Don't you think that after 14 years you would think you would be able to talk to your partner about your feelings towards them? She is also passive aggressive and sometimes lacks empathy. I am also the reason things are the way they are today. It's like she would be more happy being angry with the world rather than opening up. She also admits she is selfish. I have told and showed her over the years how much I love her and talked about how the above typed words upset me, but nothing has changed. I am not perfect and am always work in progress, but I am a good person and have treated her very well, except for backing out of a once talked about marriage. It takes two to make it work. Yes I am heart broken

[SevenCity]

Thanks for for taking the time out of your days to send input. I agree that 14 years is a long time, but I was hoping that things would change. As I reflect on the relationship I see maybe something wasn't quite right. I am a communicator and she holds holds it in. Don't you think that after 14 years you would think you would be able to talk to your partner about your feelings towards them? She is also passive aggressive and sometimes lacks empathy. I am also the reason things are the way they are today. It's like she would be more happy being angry with the world rather than opening up. She also admits she is selfish. I have told and showed her over the years how much I love her and talked about how the above typed words upset me, but nothing has changed. I am not perfect and am always work in progress, but I am a good person and have treated her very well, except for backing out of a once talked about marriage. It takes two to make it work. Yes I am heart broken

 

You listed a bunch of reasons why you'll be happy about this in the future. My ex was not a good communicator until she dumped me and 7 years of holding back all came out at once. A lot of it was just untrue as well.

 

Of course you are hurt - you cared for her. It's tough when you are not the one to end things but it will get better in time.

 

Also, you will get many passive aggressive responses about not marrying her from posters here. Like you did something wrong. I'm a firm believer that something was telling you not to do it. The reasons you spelled out were enough. There is nothing wrong with wanting a life partner rather than a legal contract but that upsets a lot of people here because their beliefs conflict and you will become the bad guy.

 

I would get out and start dating as soon as possible. Work on your yourself and realize mistakes you made. Practice and find a new woman.

[hotwheels]

Thanks for your response Seven City. The other night she asked for my thoughts. I chose my words carefully not wanting to put her on the defense and in a calm and compassionate manner I told her I love her.

 

I talked to her about problems we had and passive aggressiveness were from poor communication on both of our parts. Its not her fault or mine.

 

She sat there stone face, fighting back tears and didn't say a word. She got up and said she was going home then mumbled something under her breath. I did text her once in the last two days with a short hope you have a good day kind of text, but I never got a text or call after my talk with her.

 

I put it all out there, spilled my guts and to not even get a smile or anything is devastating. In the 14 years there were times where we were on and off again. Times where I wasn't a good listener and was distant, but I always wanted it to work with her.

 

She has said she loves me and wants to marry me, but she really didn't want to admit there was a problem or work on communication.

 

14 years + is a long time to know someone and when things take a turn for the worse I feel lost. The routine is gone, there is a huge void in my life almost like a death.

 

We were kind of off when she met the new guy, but I think how? The thought never crossed my mind to move on with someone espicaly when we were still seeing and talking on a daily basis, I would feel so much guilt. We talked about being close friends, after all 14 years is a long time, but I don't know.

 

I wonder if she will ever thy to come back, or say sorry? What will I do if she dose?

[elaine567]

I wonder if she will ever thy to come back, or say sorry? What will I do if she dose?

 

Why does she have to say sorry?

YOU were "off", when she met the new guy were you not?

On and off relationships usually reach a stage where one says enough is enough and the fact you made it clear you were not going to marry her I guess made her think then "What is the point?"

She is 35, time is marching on.

Life is too short to spend it in relationships that are not working, it was working for you, but not for her obviously, so she did what anyone else would do in the circumstances, she moved on.

That is hard for you to take, but last straws do eventually break camel's backs whether we want them to or not.

YOU cannot be close friends, as you are emotionally invested. Now you have pledged your love, she realises that she cannot be just friends, as you will always want more, and that just doesn't work...hence why i guess she has now cut you off.

 

Marriage and all the trappings are a huge deal to some, they don't "just get over it", they eventually realise that love by itself is NOT enough and it does not conquer all, and they tend to move on to people who want that they want too.

[hotwheels]

Elaine 567. I agree and putting my self in her place of wanting marriage I would reach my limit too.. I would hold some resentment to me for being wishy washy on the marriage subject, but I admit where I was wrong. When someone admits where they were wrong, it can be worked on.

 

I am not at fault for speaking how I feel about her. If she feels she don't want to talk, hold everything in and ignore me?, well then that will be the weight she has to carry.

 

After 14 years if she isn't emotionally invested in me then I don't know what to say. Yes, I told her i love her a ton and I don't regret it. People need to be able to speak these words with the one they love and to be honest, if our communication was better 14,13,12, 8 years ago the outcome would have been the total opposite.

 

The last sentence in my post, "say sorry", is me grasping for something. I am hurting and emotional.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for your response Seven City. The other night she asked for my thoughts. I chose my words carefully not wanting to put her on the defense and in a calm and compassionate manner I told her I love her.

 

I talked to her about problems we had and passive aggressiveness were from poor communication on both of our parts. Its not her fault or mine.

 

She sat there stone face, fighting back tears and didn't say a word. She got up and said she was going home then mumbled something under her breath. I did text her once in the last two days with a short hope you have a good day kind of text, but I never got a text or call after my talk with her.

 

I put it all out there, spilled my guts and to not even get a smile or anything is devastating. In the 14 years there were times where we were on and off again. Times where I wasn't a good listener and was distant, but I always wanted it to work with her.

 

She has said she loves me and wants to marry me, but she really didn't want to admit there was a problem or work on communication.

 

14 years + is a long time to know someone and when things take a turn for the worse I feel lost. The routine is gone, there is a huge void in my life almost like a death.

 

We were kind of off when she met the new guy, but I think how? The thought never crossed my mind to move on with someone espicaly when we were still seeing and talking on a daily basis, I would feel so much guilt. We talked about being close friends, after all 14 years is a long time, but I don't know.

 

I wonder if she will ever thy to come back, or say sorry? What will I do if she dose?

 

 

The way you describe your talk with her doesn't sound to me as if you were spilling your guts but rather as if you were being very careful and holding back (which you ironically say that is what she does, holds back).

 

Also, she's now dating someone else and you talk to her and tell her you love her and then focus on all the problems the two of you have/had? Sounds negative to me, and unattractive. Would seem to me that if this is the way you're approaching her after she has someone new, instead of talking to her in a positive way telling her you love her and the two of you can work on it all together and overcome your differences, no wonder she had tears in her eyes and left without saying much. My guess, and it's only a guess, is that you may come across as an authority figure to her (you're older, you pay for most things, etc, nothing wrong with that, but just the way you're communicating about her seems a little condescending to me) and she may be tired of the negativity you have toward the issues in your relationship with her.

 

You write that she admits she's selfish. Sounds as if she has communicated with you in the past. Is it possible she's pretty much at her wit's end with a relationship with you that seems to be going nowhere to her (after fourteen years you can't offer her marriage?)?

 

If you want her back you need to approach her and offer her hope and positivity. Not saying you'll get her back, but it sounds as if you really want her in your life. If you want her badly enough, then do what it takes.

 

Ultimately, though, if she wants marriage and you don't, or if you're holding out because you want her to change, then you've reached an impasse.

 

Sounds to me as if you love her enough to commit to her the way she is right now, but if not, let her go. She's not going to change after fourteen years unless the two of you agree to go to counseling together and you're able to make some headway in there.

[d0nnivain]

hotwheels

 

All I can do is share my experience.

 

I was with an EX for almost 12 years, lived together for 9, almost 10. We had good communication for the most part. In the beginning I was fine with how things were but around year 3-4 I started to want more which I got but then I wanted a ring. He "didn't believe in marriage." Eventually my resentment grew & grew; every day -- especially the major holidays -- when he didn't pop the Q, another little piece of my heart died. It did a number on my self esteem; I thought I must be worthless because he didn't want to marry me.

 

Finally I got the courage to end it. Our break up took a few months & there were times when we tried. He offered to buy a house & we fought about that. He said he was thinking about proposing which just pissed me off because it felt like another carrot he was dangling just out of my reach to keep me moving forward with him. After I moved out, he chased me but I was too angry to hear him out. Eventually he stopped chasing. Years later I learned he was in routine contact with my mom & several of my friends trying to win me back. All of them told him to leave me alone.

 

He & I have been apart for 16 years. I'm happily married. Going through the wedding process, I got my "closure". DH & I had very few problems & no financial problems but wedding planning was still stressful. I realized that as much as I loved my EX, there were fundamental differences that probably would have been magnified & caused us to break up had we attempted to marry / plan a wedding.

 

To this day my EX lives in the same apartment we shared. He has a new GF. He's still not married. About 2 years ago he told me that not having children with me was the biggest regret of his life. I blew a gasket because while we were together he always said I wasn't good enough to be the mother of his kids. By the time I got married I was too old to have kids.

 

After 14 years together, something in your relationship told you it wasn't meant to be. In time the acute pain of the break up & the significant changes in your life will hurt less & you will again be at peace. However, if you really want her back -- THE grand gesture is the only option: you need to show up on bended knee with a ring. Short of that, let her go.

[elaine567]

Elaine 567. I agree and putting my self in her place of wanting marriage I would reach my limit too.. I would hold some resentment to me for being wishy washy on the marriage subject, but I admit where I was wrong. When someone admits where they were wrong, it can be worked on.

 

Yes, sometimes but not always.

YOU may think it can be worked upon, she may be fed up working on it... it is all about perspective.

I see too many guys on here regretting their actions once she has pulled the plug, but it is usually far too late, the horse has already bolted. The professions of love and the resolution to "change" then fall on deaf ears.

 

I am not at fault for speaking how I feel about her. If she feels she don't want to talk, hold everything in and ignore me?, well then that will be the weight she has to carry.

I guess she is done. There is only so much to say and she has already crossed the line of getting involved with someone else and that can be a huge step.

Most people actually break up in order that they can date other people.

If they want to work on something, they tend not to break up, they tend to stick around just in case they actually lose the other person in the fall out.

[MJJean]

Love is not now, nor has it ever been, enough. Compatibility in many other areas is also necessary and one of those areas is lifestyle and life goals. Marriage is part of that. A fairly significant part both for those who want to be married and those who do not. She wanted to be married. You did not. In this very key area you were incompatible as a couple. Unless she suddenly realizes she no longer wants to be a wife or you suddenly realize you want to be a husband, this situation isn't solvable other than by ending the relationship so that each can have what they want. She can seek out a husband and you can continue being a single person. She did the right thing.

 

Perhaps you should have less contact so that you can begin truly healing and letting go. After a long term relationship ends it's often very difficult to move on when in contact with the ex.

[hotwheels]

I am/was looking at things 1 demential through my emotions. She is starting a new relationship with someone new. Seem as they have a good bit in common. I would never ask about him because it is none of my business, I only know what she has volunteered to tell me. Shame on me for being wishy washy and maybe some of the hurt I feel now I deserve., I truly hope she is happy and get what she wants and deserves in love and life.

 

maybe It wasn't meant to be, time will tell.

 

Even thought we have a part time job together, I havent call or text in 4 days and neither has she. Im not going to bother her or beg her thats b.s. If she wants to talk she knows how to get ahold of me.

 

We were on the same shift yesterday at our part time job. This is the first time we seen each other since my talk with her. I greeted her with a good morning and was friendly. It took her bout a hour to say something to me. As the day went on I didn't bring up relationship b.s. to her just was cool with her. As the day went on she warmed up a little more, she went out for a coffee and asked if I wanted one. I told her I would like that and thanked her.

 

She called me a name that i will not type and said she is so freaking mad at me. I asked her why and she said because you were messing with me. I didn't want to get into it at work so I told her if she would like to talk to me we can when its best for her, she knows how to get ahold of me.

 

She started to bump into me as we were working and that contact led to a 20 min kissing on our brake. When we were finished she said I am mad at you and will always be mad at you.

 

She should feel the way she dose due to my b.s. Maybe I was a little selfish, needy, clingy in the past. Like I said many times, I will admit if I was wrong or messed up, she will not. She disrespected many times in the past and is a bad communicator

[hotwheels]

I want to thank you for input. I need to start my healing and do believe the no contact is the only way to go. It is easy for me to change my hours at work and our next day at work will be on opposite shifts. If two people are not on the same page with marriage and children then it is not going to work. I need to move on and work on my mental, emotional and physical self. Get rid of bad habits. Once again thank you all for taking the time from you days to help me. Everything will be o.k.