I want that second chance but might have to wait - so what do i do?

[aSadGirl]

I wrote about a guy i dated august-december last year here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/593048-should-he-have-paid-2nd-date-why-isnt-he-asking-me-out-3rd-yet-updated-23.html

 

He left ghosting me... now lately we have chatted more and more and it led up to us meeting again last wednesday for the first time in 9 months last week. We played pool, laughed/flirted a little.. ate dinner (which i actually payed for for once in my life for a guy) and grabbed a coffee all in total 5 hours... But during the last hour is when conversations got deep:

 

I asked him "what happened"? And it turns out he got burnedout from work! He started this long explanation about it, how he had to see psychiatrist and his mother was so worried that she chanced key-locks on his door and forced him to move home (so she could take care of him a bit) + he didnt work at all for a few months cause he barely could talk.. he sort of stuttered words for a while... then got back to work but only a few hours a day and then more again. Reason for him working so much is cause its a family business and he had felt responsibility towards his father and his father´s new small kids (4 of them he wanted to help secure a future for) so he was stuck but now he is applying to other jobs and hope he gets another cause he can´t stay at the family business anymore since he have went "personal bankrupt" due to all the workload (i remember he could work 6-22 sometimes...)

 

I told him it felt like a torn in the heart of him leaving and i couldnt understand why he didn´t say goodbye or anything back in december.. he didnt had any explanation but said he dissapeared from many people and lost friends due to his burnout and nobody did something wrong, nothing i did was wrong, it was all he who misbehaved he said.

 

I asked if he seen someone else back then and he said no but i do for fact know a girl was at his balchony at new years eve so he is hiding it.. and i didnt want to bring up this drama although it nags me to feel he isn´t completely honest.I just didnt want to look like a stalker cause ive seen the picture (on the view from his balchony) on her instagram... and they did heart-eyed-smileys to each other in january but i thought they weren´t that serious since he didnt mention her...

 

He opened himself up a lot about other things though, and told me he dated this girl 4 months but they both felt it would never work. Yet i see her posting texts like "So call me when you´re not so busy just thinking of yourself" (like she is waiting for his call". But he told me they are too diffrent. I asked in what way and he said she just wanted to sit home and watch TV which he felt was a bit boring with "netflix & chill" AGAIN and again... He likes to do stuff (and me and him ALWAYS did various stuff on our dates).

 

I asked him what he´ve thought about us and he said "That what we had was on the vege to something good, but that he doesn´t know if it´s really good time yet to continue something.... cause he still doesn´t feel well enough and can dissapear into his own world (i.e. mancave). so he doesn´t feel its right fowards me.

I asked about to take it slow and he said it can go but he doesn´t know if its a good idea. Cause he needs to find himself first, perhaps travel a lot more and he doesnt feel rested yet which he wants to feel to be able to build something and that he knows he is "somewhere inside himself but he has to find it first".

 

So i asked "if you feel well, is it me your last girl or another you want to see?" and he said "its you then.." and i asked "Are you sure? you doesnt just say it?" and he "no yes im sure".

 

We hold hands a bit and caressed a little but no kissing.

I said i´ve missed him an he said he missed me too.

 

In the last minutes of our "date" I said "I want to see you again" and he said "I see, i understand" and me:

"But i don´t want to wait again... cause then i´ll have to move on for real" And he said:

"ofcourse you shouldn´t wait.. you never know when im healed.. which sucks"

And i said:

"can we see each other a bit now forward?"

And he said " yes we can..."

And me "do you want it?"

And him "absolutely... but then i feel you can´t have too high expectations"

And me "like its too much to see each other once a week?"

And him "no i didnt mean like that.. i mean... that you shouldn´t expect it to be YOU & ME"

and i said "now or never?" and he stuttered

"exactly no.. now, as long as i dont feel well"

and i said: "ok, well then you go take care of yourself and contact me when you feel like.."

and he "absolutely. Thanks for tonight" we hugged and said bye.

 

Since then he hasn´t watched all my snapchats as much as before.. he is going OUT OF THEM after he watched 3 for example out of 7 i post in a day or so. He got iphone so i dont know how it works going out of stories (i got samsung) but on the date he said he doesnt mind me snapchatting him and i told him he is free to contact me aswell and he said "yes sure". but hasnt...

 

I wrote him this saturday "come to this dayparty its amazing here " but he sent me a picture of him fishing. so i wrote him "ah ok good luck, hope you get fishes ;)" but he didnt reply anything and ever since it has been quiet now for a few days.

 

On the date he told me he havent spoken so close to anygirl except his sister and mother, not even the last girl he dated. only psychiatrist but it felt to me he opened himself up a lot, also about his closest friendships he told me and just in general what he is up to etc. I could tell it all was true but i dont know if he told ALL truth.. there is more to the story but yeah, i didnt got the time to told him how bad ive been burnedout/Depressed from him giving me the scilent treatment from back in december... ive tried to forget it but i still feel hurt.

 

Now i dont know what to do cause i feel i love him still, i just want to be with him, cuddle kiss everything in my beeing wants to reuinite but im holding back. i even backed off with my hands etc from him on the couch when i felt i might be too forward/clingy..

 

I wish he could contact me and ask me out but im afraid it wont happen... I dont know what to do now, i dont want to move on but i guess the logical thing to do is just that. His last girl "gave him space" and im a fool to accept "crumbs"... at least now he doesnt lead me on, he doesnt try to hookup or something, only is completely honest i think, but it still huts i cant be with him the way i wish now.

 

I´m thinking of still ask him if he wants to excersise with me, or can fix something in my kitchen (so he comes home to me) or that we can go do some activity but im afraid it will backfire if i´m too pushy. I want it to be idea... so meanwhile im posting cute/nice/fun pictures and videos on my snapchat of me, food, friends, family, movei cool things im doing etc... hoping it will engage him and make him want to see me but im afraid i´m waiting in vain...

 

Please help, how can i handle this situation? I really dont want to move on, i still love him and just wish us to be together <3

I´m already 28 though and his previous girl only 23 so i feel im more stressed then her to make this work.. not that i want kids now but i feel i need to chose the right man it will work with forever, but i dont want anyone else then him... yet im afraid to wait in wain only for him perhaps chosing his last girl or someone else

[Zahara]

Please help, how can i handle this situation? I really dont want to move on, i still love him and just wish us to be together <3

 

OP, I was cringing reading this post. It reeked of desperation and you were almost begging him to affirm your position in his life. I can guarantee you it turned him off. Hence, he gave you a bunch of excuses as to why he is not ready for you. He is not interested in you.

 

You don't love him. You are desperate to be loved and validated and the moment a guy gives you a little bit of attention, you magnify it to such an extent that it becomes the love story of your lifetime. You love the idea of being in love.

 

This guy has shown you nothing in terms of compatible values, he hasn't shown you consistent and deep interest, he hasn't treated you with loving and nurturing care -- you however "love" him for the fun times you have had. That isn't enough.

 

Please again, as I have said this many times in your threads -- stop chasing men.

[Been]

Don't ever beg someone to want to be with you.

You are basically opening the door for him to do whatever he wants without setting boundaries. Your telling him its OK if he doesn't contact you daily cause you'll wait. Don't wait on anyone.