Is it wrong to want someone to lean on?

[preraph]

It is not asking too much. That last guy sounds like my ex charging me $7.50 for half a pizza.

 

When he was the one who wanted the pizza, right?

[preraph]

My ex takes good care of his family. He makes sure his mother drives a reliable vehicle, which is great because she is low-income and elderly. He also takes care of his unstable sister. The fiancé before me lived with him along with her three children and he claimed he financially supported them.

 

 

For some reason he was not very supportive or protective of me - even emotionally.

 

 

So . . . . seeing how a guy takes care of others doesn't work for me.

 

 

I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.

 

He didn't care that much about you or he would have. I mean, I care more about my best friend than that.

[GoodOnPaper]

Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.

You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

 

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.

 

That's how I took it, too. Definitely nothing wrong in wanting that. Personally, I just assumed being thoughtful and kind to one another whenever possible is how you are supposed to go about the day-to-day operation of one's relationship.

 

I'm almost 50 myself and our generation - the children of the '80s - is the first in which long- and short-term attraction qualities really became divorced from one another. Short-term qualities prevailed, so now young men learn that kindness and sensitivity only count if one also has great looks/build and can attract women for short-term flings, anyway. For the rest of us, kindness is interpreted as weakness, spinelessness, etc. We end up making compromises because hardly anyone shows us attention.

 

Then as we get older, both men and women become less flexible about how we live our lives, making day-to-day compatibility in a relationship more difficult.

 

I once read an article with a title that tried to sum up today's dating/relationship environment, "Women feel unloved and Men feel undateable". It may be pretty close.

[kazen]

What you are looking for is a nice guy. And there are plenty of them around. They generally get discourage to ask women out since women rejected them all their lives. So I encourage you to initiate when you see a kind man. Let your friends know you are looking so they can help set you up.

[basil67]

I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.

 

Primer, almost everyone is tired of adulting. I know I am. I think it would be lovely to hand over our decision making responsibilities and live like a child again, but we do need to continue to take care of our own stuff.

 

Generally speaking, I think that it's too much to want another person to do our adulting for us. Especially when they are tired of it too.

[spiderowl]

I do know what you mean, you want someone who has a generous spirit. A guy offering does not mean a woman will take advantage of him. Some would, yes, but many would make sure the offer something themselves.

 

Guys who are counting the pennies, going halves all the time and never offer anything just come across as mean. If you care about a friend, you will do what you can to help them. I feel it is the same in a relationship, that both will do their best for the other and according to their means.

[todreaminblue]

I would like a partner that cares about me and wants to do nice things for me. Is that asking too much? I will still work and be capable of taking care of myself, but I would like someone that makes nice gestures, such as:

 

hey primer do you think you would feel happy with something like this

 

1) Hey - You are going to be 50. Let me take you on a nice little trip.

 

you are going to be fifty how about we go camping for the weekend.I have these free tickets to a weekend away

 

2) Oh my, your car is unsafe. Let's find you a better one.

 

hey im worried about your car being unsafe.....my mechanic will do mates rates want me to book you in....

 

 

3) Let's put your cell phone on my plan so you can get a discounted rate. Same for car insurance.

 

 

primer lets put my cell phone on your plan to get a discount and same for car insurance.....

 

 

for me i understand tiredness.....but i dont believe a man you are dating and in a relationship owes anything...just as i believe you dont owe anything.....financially......

 

 

but i do understand you are tired of being the giver ...the supporter.....

 

to give naturally and out of love is a different story to obligation......maybe you also need to be with a giver......the only argument then will be who gets to give first......

[MyOphelia]

I would like someone to "take care of me," but I think that needs clarification and a definition. I'm currently in an abusive marriage, over 15 years, where he clears six figures plus and he always has money for his cars, his vacations, his events, his gun and weapon collection, his computers and games, his toys, his telescope and bikes and, and, and... But I've gone without dental work for 6 years back in 2007 because "we can't afford it" and "you don't need it."

 

I had a breast implant rupture and needed it revised but "you don't need it" (and for over 2 years I had "one breast"...it wasn't until I went to the doctors and discovered I had breast cancer did we get it fixed but only because insurance covered it). My medical bills or college debt "we can't afford" or clothing "you don't need"... I wanted a ring for surviving cancer. I "didn't need that" so I saved up from my disability check to put this on layaway. For myself. I've driven myself to the hospital with broken bones and concussions.

 

What are my vices? I'm a gym rat and pay for personal training. He's got two full closets, dozens of boots and shoes (I have 2 pair and 1/4 of one of the closets with clothes). I feel like a pauper.

 

So let me tell you, yes, getting out of this, I do want things different. I do want someone who would never watch me fall apart and decide I'm not worth their time and effort or money. I am a giver, and I give out of love, because if I care for someone, it's love - I WANT to do things for them, and make them happy and to see them smile and glow and BE there for them.

 

And yes, I want that back. I want to be tended to and know no harm will come to me again, my needs will be met (not just a roof over your head...there were times we "couldn't afford groceries" or "the vet bills" so he could go on vacation or because he bought something).

 

So my opinion might be unpopular, setting women back years expecting to be provided for. But by my definition, I do not mean make decisions about my everything, but I mean I want to be thought of, tenderly and cared for, surprised yes with goodies and cuddles and loving and affection, and sure, maybe a weekend away or a trip. I don't know because I have not been treated that way in so long I don't know if people like this exist anymore. But I won't be a doormat anymore, and it's not just that I want, it's also that I want to GIVE to my lover the exact same thing in exchange because that gives me pleasure too.

[whatnot]

My dad died in '92. Mom remarried in '97. The were in their 60's. He was a widower as well. His wife had died of cancer....and it took several years for her to go. He retired to take care of her.

 

When he married my mom...I had not had any real chance to get to know the guy. After the ceremony....for the reception...everyone went to a restaurant to eat. Just the way it worked out...I sat on the opposite side of the round table from my mom and her new husband. I happened to be sitting beside my new step dad's sister in law. We ate...I'm kinda quite really....everyone talking....none of us really knew each other all that well.

 

After the meal....it seemed things were winding down...and I made my announcement that I needed to be going. As I began to get up to leave....his sister in law...tugged at my sleeve. I bent down for her to tell me what ever it was that she had to say to me. When I did...she whispered into my ear....because she knew I did not know him all that well maybe....but she whispered into my ear....."Don't worry....this man will take care of your mother". she didn't know me from Adam...but she knew who my mom had married.

 

He sold his home....and moved into my mom's house....where they've lived for the last 20 years together. Neither one expected anything from the other. I think he might have paid the electric bill...and she paid the insurance. That sort of thing. Then....after 8 years of marriage...my mom began losing her memory. It got worse and worse. They lived a very good life for the first 10 years or so.

 

For the last 10 years....my mom has suffered from Alzhiemers disease. If anyone knows anything about this disease...it's so ugly. It take the person...right out from under us. As it progresses....the care taker (him)...it's a very real and serious burden to be a full time care taker of an Alzhiemers paitent. She cannot remember much of anything now. And she's now 88. He's 89. He's taken over paying all the bills (she doesn't even know this). He cooks all of the meals. He sees to her meds (she can't help herself at all). I believe it keeps him alive...taking care of her. We've approached him several times....and told him that we can put her somewhere nice if he cannot do it. It upsets him when we do. He couldn't bear to see her in a facility. So...even though she can be really belligerent (sometimes combative...because of her disease...she can really be....worse than anyone can imagine) he continues to care for her.....alone. He does this because he takes his vows seriously....and he also knows...she's probably happier at home than she would be in a facility.

 

They started out as kids at heart....each paying their own way.....neither expecting anything....

 

That day at their reception.....the sister in law....boy...she was right.

 

There's more important things than money.....things that no amount of money...will ever be able to buy....

 

Take care

Edited October 2, 2017 by whatnot

[anika99]

My dad died in '92. Mom remarried in '97. The were in their 60's. He was a widower as well. His wife had died of cancer....and it took several years for her to go. He retired to take care of her.

 

When he married my mom...I had not had any real chance to get to know the guy. After the ceremony....for the reception...everyone went to a restaurant to eat. Just the way it worked out...I sat on the opposite side of the round table from my mom and her new husband. I happened to be sitting beside my new step dad's sister in law. We ate...I'm kinda quite really....everyone talking....none of us really knew each other all that well.

 

After the meal....it seemed things were winding down...and I made my announcement that I needed to be going. As I began to get up to leave....his sister in law...tugged at my sleeve. I bent down for her to tell me what ever it was that she had to say to me. When I did...she whispered into my ear....because she knew I did not know him all that well maybe....but she whispered into my ear....."Don't worry....this man will take care of your mother". she didn't know me from Adam...but she knew who my mom had married.

 

He sold his home....and moved into my mom's house....where they've lived for the last 20 years together. Neither one expected anything from the other. I think he might have paid the electric bill...and she paid the insurance. That sort of thing. Then....after 8 years of marriage...my mom began losing her memory. It got worse and worse. They lived a very good life for the first 10 years or so.

 

For the last 10 years....my mom has suffered from Alzhiemers disease. If anyone knows anything about this disease...it's so ugly. It take the person...right out from under us. As it progresses....the care taker (him)...it's a very real and serious burden to be a full time care taker of an Alzhiemers paitent. She cannot remember much of anything now. And she's now 88. He's 89. He's taken over paying all the bills (she doesn't even know this). He cooks all of the meals. He sees to her meds (she can't help herself at all). I believe it keeps him alive...taking care of her. We've approached him several times....and told him that we can put her somewhere nice if he cannot do it. It upsets him when we do. He couldn't bear to see her in a facility. So...even though she can be really belligerent (sometimes combative...because of her disease...she can really be....worse than anyone can imagine) he continues to care for her.....alone. He does this because he takes his vows seriously....and he also knows...she's probably happier at home than she would be in a facility.

 

They started out as kids at heart....each paying their own way.

 

That day at their reception.....the sister in law....boy...was she ever right.

 

There's more important things than money.....things that no amount of money...will ever be able to buy....

 

Take care

 

Well of course it breaks his heart to think of the love of his life being shipped off to live in a facility while he is left to live old and alone. What the heck kind of offer is that? Why don't you and others in your family offer the poor old guy some real help? You say he takes care of your mom...alone. Well stop making him do it all on his own. Pitch in and help or hire someone to help. Do something that gives him a break, like having a caregiver come in a few times a week, or a once a week housekeeper. Or bring him some home cooked meals. If the only thing your family has offered is to take your mother away from him and put her in a home, well that's not a helpful at all and it's a rather cruel offer in my opinion.

 

OP I don't think there is anything wrong with what you want. What you're basically saying is that you want someone to care about you. Well who doesn't want that? I'm single and 100% independent and I'm proud of my strength and independence but I also have the occasional longing for a someone to care for me. Not take care of me, but to care about me. Someone to occasionally bring me a coffee, or ask me if I need anything from the store or make me feel a little bit special here and there. Of course I would reciprocate and do nice thoughtful for that person too. It's human nature to want love and care. I'm the biggest introvert I know, I never tire of my own company, and even someone like me understands the need for love and companionship.

[whatnot]

Well of course it breaks his heart to think of the love of his life being shipped off to live in a facility while he is left to live old and alone. What the heck kind of offer is that? Why don't you and others in your family offer the poor old guy some real help? You say he takes care of your mom...alone. Well stop making him do it all on his own. Pitch in and help or hire someone to help. Do something that gives him a break, like having a caregiver come in a few times a week, or a once a week housekeeper. Or bring him some home cooked meals. If the only thing your family has offered is to take your mother away from him and put her in a home, well that's not a helpful at all and it's a rather cruel offer in my opinion.

 

.

.............................delete Edited October 2, 2017 by whatnot

[knabe]

What you are looking for is a nice guy. And there are plenty of them around. They generally get discourage to ask women out since women rejected them all their lives. So I encourage you to initiate when you see a kind man. Let your friends know you are looking so they can help set you up.

 

No, what she wants is a GOOD MAN. A good man will be good regardless of the return.

 

A "nice guy" is nice because he wants something (aka sex), and when he doesn't get it or gets rejected, he gets nasty and bitter and goes on RedPill to blame all of female-kind.

[knabe]

Well of course it breaks his heart to think of the love of his life being shipped off to live in a facility while he is left to live old and alone. What the heck kind of offer is that? Why don't you and others in your family offer the poor old guy some real help? You say he takes care of your mom...alone. Well stop making him do it all on his own. Pitch in and help or hire someone to help. Do something that gives him a break, like having a caregiver come in a few times a week, or a once a week housekeeper. Or bring him some home cooked meals. If the only thing your family has offered is to take your mother away from him and put her in a home, well that's not a helpful at all and it's a rather cruel offer in my opinion.

 

OP I don't think there is anything wrong with what you want. What you're basically saying is that you want someone to care about you. Well who doesn't want that? I'm single and 100% independent and I'm proud of my strength and independence but I also have the occasional longing for a someone to care for me. Not take care of me, but to care about me. Someone to occasionally bring me a coffee, or ask me if I need anything from the store or make me feel a little bit special here and there. Of course I would reciprocate and do nice thoughtful for that person too. It's human nature to want love and care. I'm the biggest introvert I know, I never tire of my own company, and even someone like me understands the need for love and companionship.

 

Maybe not the best place for a self-righteous scolding...just saying...emotional intelligence and all that.

[whatnot]

Well of course it breaks his heart to think of the love of his life being shipped off to live in a facility while he is left to live old and alone. What the heck kind of offer is that? Why don't you and others in your family offer the poor old guy some real help? You say he takes care of your mom...alone. Well stop making him do it all on his own. Pitch in and help or hire someone to help. Do something that gives him a break, like having a caregiver come in a few times a week, or a once a week housekeeper. Or bring him some home cooked meals. If the only thing your family has offered is to take your mother away from him and put her in a home, well that's not a helpful at all and it's a rather cruel offer in my opinion.

 

.

 

This is the most misguided...ill-informed...and insulting thing...I believe I have ever heard in my entire life. Even as I quote it...I cannot bring myself to read it again.

 

I'm on my way to the hospital. My step father is having surgery...and my mother cannot be left alone. There's 3 of us children...who have been working with, and dealing with this situation for years. It's ever present.

 

What I'm struggling with...internally....is why I am even responding to it at all.

 

I just felt I should....all the while knowing...that feelings are often wrong.

 

I think my mom would probably say..not to.

 

David

[whatnot]

I think the reason I responded to it is selfish. It's my own wanting an apology...even though....my mother has always said...."David...you just can't change other people".

 

I know she's right (in my better moments).

 

I know that the person who could write or say...such a thing...also lacks the internal wherewithal ... to understand what they're actions can do to others.

 

No apology is expected....or required. because....I already know...it's not in your playbook.

[Soak]

RedPill to blame all of female-kind.

 

That redpill thing is aweful, what is it about? Seems like some of the philosophies are close to rape. I'm a lesbian, but find it VERY disturbing that there are guys like that out there.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Soak

[Cookiesandough]

That redpill thing is aweful, what is it about? Seems like some of the philosophies are close to rape. I'm a lesbian, but find it VERY disturbing that there are guys like that out there.

 

It's really angry men lol

[Soak]

What is wrong with them Cookies? Some of them seem dangerous, but most seem disgruntled. Weird. I wonder if they realise it will be women who will be changing their nappies and hand-feeding them vitamised food in the nursing homes they will likely access when they get older?