Friends with ex without pressure

[muffinman1127]

Hi,

 

I've posted in the past about a relatively recent breakup, dated five months only off now for four. We are both young (22/23), which is the main reason for the breakup - there were no problems, just neither of us really ready to settle, and it was a pretty intense relationship for its length. She just started dating someone long distance but is trying hard not to rush, so she always says it isn't serious.

 

So recently she came back into town (was gone for the summer) and we started talking again. Things were unclear so we had a conversation and decided to try to be friends. We were both totally honest here - I told her that I still have feelings for her and hope that we can try again sometime after having been friends (we weren't before we dated). I also said that I know it wouldn't work if we got back together now anyway, even though I admitted to wanting it. She said that she still has feelings for me too and is open to the possibility that a friendship leads to more down the line, but is dating this other guy for now. We understood each other and I'm trying to handle the whole situation maturely. Since this we talk every day and see each other about once a week, even though we're both busy. We talk honestly and are pretty close again already, but not in the same way (which I think is good).

 

Of course this is pretty difficult for me, so I just wanted to ask if this sounds like a good idea or not. I'm aware that it may blow up but I want to try. Should I be doing things differently? Also, as an aside, how do people find value in young relationships? It's so hard to try to search for the right person knowing that I'm still probably too young to settle down. thanks

[Blanco]

As long as someone is holding romantic feelings, true platonic friendship is a sham.

[dumbass2]

You absolutely cannot just be friends with a girl you have romantic feelings for and if you try hoping it will lead to more, then you will permanently put yourself in the friend zone and never have a chance again. You may have to go ahead and learn the hard way because you are young, but you will just be torturing yourself. You need to find a girl that wants to date just you and see where it goes. Once you are romantic and developed feelings for another, friends just never ever works unless its years down the road after romantic feelings have gone away.

[muffinman1127]

That makes sense, I'm thinking on it a lot now. You're right that I'll probably do it anyway, not that I don't value the advice but just so that I know I tried and learned for myself. I just wish things weren't so black and white, I understand that true platonic friendship wouldn't work out but I don't think friendships and relationships fit into such strictly defined categories. What if I told her I didn't think I could try while she was dating someone? She already knows my intentions but that way there would at least be room for something to happen, or if she kept dating him then I could just move on.

[hgriffin17]

She wants you as a backup in case things don't work out with the other guy. If you can handle it, wait as much as you can. Just know that your value in her eyes is diminishing. She might believe that you will always be there, always be waiting, So why rush right?

 

Also imagine if they breakup and then tells you that she's gotten comfortable with the idea of being friends with You, and nothing more. That would crush you wouldn't it? I know it would.

 

You must remove yourself from the situation. It's only going to cause you more grief and pain. So this is what I would do/say.

 

In person I'd tell you that you tried being friends, but that you like her too much to simply be platonic. Then say, if she ever changes her mind, to contact you. Then walk away.

 

Then this gives her the chance to miss you, reevaluate everything and you'll be given the opportunity to move on.

 

You can't be waiting on someone especially if there isn't a guarantee that you'll be together.

 

But I know you will do what your heart desires and that's fine. We live and learn and whatever outcome happens, you'll learn from it.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what "being friends" means to you in this context.

 

 

To me a friend is somebody I talk to, spend time with, do things with & discuss every aspect of my life including new relationships.

 

 

Dating is very similar. It's all of the above plus kissing & other intimate acts. To date successfully you need to spend time together.

 

 

What do you think any new people you try to date are going to think of your interactions with this EX? And what are the new guys in her life going to think about your presence? they are not going to like it & they won't tolerate it because you are EXs with lingering feelings.

 

 

So either call it was it is -- getting back together but taking things slow (no sex) or have a clean break with no intentional interactions.

[muffinman1127]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advice. At the very least I plan on stepping back and taking a little more space for a while so that I can think things through, seeing as we've basically been communicating as though we're dating (without the relationship parts). I have thought about what other people would think - I'm not "waiting" for her in that I still intend to try to see other people, but I see where there could be significant issues with that. She just told the guy she is dating that we've been talking (~3 weeks in, though I don't think they talk super often) and said he is totally fine with it, which also seems somewhat odd to me. At least we've been honest thus far so I'm not afraid to talk to her about it once I have my thoughts in order.

[dumbass2]

Be very careful with her words. After a break up no one owes anyone anything. Be cautious and just don't put too much into what she says. Don't count on her to be fully honest with you. Don't project how honest you may be onto her. After a break up you often will see another side of the person you once dated. Stepping back and away from constant communication is a good step. Remember you are not dating her any more and the more you stay in contact without the romantic interaction may allow her to get use to having you as a friend as romantic feelings disappear.

[muffinman1127]

That's a really good point, I would like to think she's been honest but you're right that there's really no reason for her to talk to me about everything. I think I've projected my feelings also, just building on this thought that if I stick around, maybe not even as a friend but just leave myself open to contact, then she will have feelings for me again. But in reality she already chose someone and that person isn't me so I guess I just have to deal with that.

[muffinman1127]

I talked to her tonight and said the whole deal, that I cared too much to be friends right now while she was with someone else and that I can't keep expecting her to want to be with me again. Even though I know it's not true, I feel like I almost had her back and ruined it. I just want to take it all back so I can see her again. I hope that this was the right thing to have a chance in the future and that I didn't destroy something special. But mostly I'm just sad again. Crazy how you think you're done then it comes up and takes another bite.

[d0nnivain]

As much as it hurts & feels like you broke up all over again, being her friend while she's dating another man is just asking for trouble & on-going pain. This way, it hurts now but in time will fade because you are not constantly picking at the wound.

[Rxwoman]

I have to agree with everyone who said that you are letting her put you in the trunk as the spare tire for "just in case".

Friends with an ex is ok, but not in the situation youve described. You have feelings that are not platonic. Why let an ex keep you in their life as a safety net? Do you really want to just be an option or the second choice?

[muffinman1127]

I do agree that in a lot of ways I wasn't being fair to myself. My main problem is/was that we're still so young; i'd rather explore possibilities and really be convinced that I want to be with this particular person, just like I would want her to know that she really wants to be with me. So I don't really see myself as the second choice, though that may be true. Really just frustrating because I'm not the type of person to take relationships lightly but it's hard to get too serious so young.