Can't get over him

[Tidlywink80]

I'm going through a marriage break up. 6 weeks ago out of the blue my husband left me we were together 6 years married almost 3. They were the happiest years of my life until the week before he left when he became withdrawn. He told me every day until then how much he loved me, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, how great a wife I was....I believed every word (and still do believe he meant it every time) long story short I found text messages to another woman on his phone. He denied anything happened but left me that day and I haven't seen him since. A few text messages at 1st mostly me begging him to come home. He said no he couldn't do it any more (do what?!?) He was seen with her 2 days later and has now moved in with her. New relationship posted all over social media within 2 weeks of him leaving me. I dont think he was having an affair before he left (apart from the messages from the previous week or so)I am finding it so hard to move on, I think about him constantly and wonder wtf happened to my wonderful living husband.

Any help or comments appreciated

[KBarletta]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, welcome to LS. You'll find lots of good advice and friends here.

 

I hate to say it, but I have serious doubts as to whether this affair started AFTER he left you. People don't just start talking to someone one week and leave their partner of six years the next week and move in together and start posting all over social media out of the blue. Chances are very good that this was an emotional affair that turned physical and that he withdrew because he knew he was going to be leaving you but couldn't bring himself to do it yet.

 

That's my two cents, having had this happen to me several years ago. I was taken by surprise when my ex wife left, though I didn't discover her affair until about six months or more after the fact. Still, the signs were all there - emotional withdrawal, constantly on her phone (and protective of it), going out at odd hours and coming home and avoiding me, etc.

 

If I were you, I'd start doing some digging to find out how long this affair has been going on, that could give you some clues as to his intentions.

 

Do you have any children together?

 

If not, I'd recommend establishing no contact with him and trying to move on as best you can. Six weeks in, you're going to miss him like crazy and want to contact him and see him and stalk him on social media, etc. Try to resist this temptation. Block him on social media, block his number on your phone and try to concentrate on other things. Spend time with friends, see a therapist, focus on hobbies, etc.

 

It's going to be really hard for several months at least, but your best bet at the moment is to put yourself in a position to move on. This doesn't mean that you can NEVER reconcile, but it does mean that you will be in a much healthier emotional state if and when you do need to move on for good.

 

Let him be for now, concentrate on your own well being and emotional health. Best of luck to you and keep posting.

 

KTB

[Tidlywink80]

Thank you for your advice. We dont have any children together and he has already collected all his things so we have no reason to contact each other. He originally blocked me on social media but then unblocked me, why?? To keep an eye on me. I have changed all my posts to public as I have nothing to hide and only post positive things as I want him to think I am getting over him. On the other hand I really want to message him to tell him I'm not getting over him at all, but frightened of the reply/no reply.

In reality I know things could never get back to how they were before so dont think I would take him back. I just want to know if he misses me? Does he think about me? Does he regret what he done? If yes to all of these it would make me feel much better, if no then I would be gutted all over again.

Why does it have to be so hard ?

[KBarletta]

Thank you for your advice. We dont have any children together and he has already collected all his things so we have no reason to contact each other. He originally blocked me on social media but then unblocked me, why?? To keep an eye on me. I have changed all my posts to public as I have nothing to hide and only post positive things as I want him to think I am getting over him. On the other hand I really want to message him to tell him I'm not getting over him at all, but frightened of the reply/no reply.

In reality I know things could never get back to how they were before so dont think I would take him back. I just want to know if he misses me? Does he think about me? Does he regret what he done? If yes to all of these it would make me feel much better, if no then I would be gutted all over again.

Why does it have to be so hard ?

 

I know it's hard, and I feel for you.

 

The fact that you have no kids and no reason to be in touch will be good in the long run.

 

And unfortunately, you may never get answers to your questions. It's been three years for me, and I have never really gotten an explanation for what happened to me. But I am honestly in a much better place than I was before. You will get there too, but it will take time, and work on your part, to get there.

 

Honestly, social media and that sort of thing at this point is not your friend. It's only going to prolong the pain. Your best bet is to block him completely. Ultimately, if he wants to contact you he will find a way. But putting yourself out there trying to elicit a response from him somehow is not healthy for you.

 

NC is hard at first, but it gets easier with time.

[Tidlywink80]

Today I blocked him on social media and his number from texts and calls on my fone. I arranged a weekend out with friends and plan to book a few days away next month. I feel better for it already.

In realize I will probably never get answers, he is a very selfish person (hindsight is a wonderful thing) he has Always run away from and blanked people out when he doesn't want to deal with the situation.

I have a life to be getting on with now.

Today was a good day, thank you for replying and thanks to all the posts I have read and will continue to read. It helps massively knowing I am not the only person who feels all these things, in fact most of us do!!

[Italiangurl808]

My husband did a similar deal to me, in the out of the blue im done thing.. it's been 4 months, we have 1 child together, he still lives at hm.. it's more like roommates.. he talks, hangs out with meets up with some 20 something year old.. I found out he was txting wit for like 2 years.. I knew something was off cause things changed, he got distant but never thought that,.. like 2 weeks b4 he said he was done, he was on a trip telling me how he loved me more than anything in this world and I had nothing to worry about.... I asked him about that and he basically said he didn't really mean it, he just said it half heartedly... I'm totally crushed.. oh yeah, and im just over 5 months pregnant..

I feel for u, ..

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tiddlywinks, really sorry to see you here. I am sorry Iave no experience of the kind that you are going through. However, from life experience and a lot of reading and interacting with folks on here I can say that your husband will be thinking about you from time to time as he has built up history with you which he does not yet have with the other woman. There is also the fact that when the newness with the other woman wears off and her faults and flaws, which she would have kept hidden from him as long as they were not living together, will now begin to show up and in time become more pronounced. That is the time he will remember you with longing and regret and that is the time you will have to guard against his advances and overtures to you as he tries to have the best of both worlds.

 

As Bartlett advised, you must remain NC with him and also initiate divorce proceedings and have him served. That will be the wakeup call for him but by then you should be miles ahead of him and have nothing more to do with him except as far as it relates to your divorce. Contact a lawyer ASAP and find out your rights and entitlements. I am assuming you work and I hope you are able to support yourself comfortably. Just remember that if you respect yourself you will come through with flying colours. Warm wishes.