I'm not ugly so why do I have a hard time getting a man/keeping one?

[dichotomy]

One of the things about being a gal - is no matter your body type there is a subset of men getting hard over it.

 

Go to any Pron site - and you will see sections for big, and even super big women. Also midgets, old, black, white, Latino, Muslim, small breasts, big breast, etc... you get the point.

 

Also plenty of tall or big tall guys out there.

 

but getting laid and having a long term BF is a different issue.

[Tinie]

This post really resonated with me because I've also had the same problem.

 

Like you, I'm 25. I'm also tall, 5'11, 135 lbs. I'm athletic, I've always dressed very well, ate super clean, and took good care of myself. I have a good taste in clothes, wear jewelry and perfume, and look impeccable with not a hair or thread out of place. Yet I've always struggled to keep a man too.

 

Eventually I also developed a problem of being overly self critical- I too would analyze my cuticles, panic over any zit that sprouted on my face, worry about my large pores or the fact that sometimes I got ingrowns on my legs after shaving. I spent a lot of time plucking my leg and arm hair out one by one, cutting off any split ends of my hair I could find, reading every beauty article I could get my hands on believing that someone would tell me the magic trick on how to attract men. Any minute detail that would make me "not perfect" would worry me. Despite the fact that all around me, other "not perfect" women were getting into relationships and finding good men who treated them well so clearly, men don't notice these details like cuticles.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with your weight or body type. A close friend of mine is short and overweight, and has never had any problems finding men. Another friend has had really bad cystic acne on her face, and wears pounds of makeup, but men throw themselves at her and she's always had them lining up on her doorstep. As long as I've known her, she's always had multiple guys interested in her at any time.

 

You need to look for the validation you seek within yourself. You shouldn't feel like you need to rely on a guy to make you feel pretty. You need to KNOW you're pretty. Its not someone else's job to convince you that you are.

 

I think you are placing too much importance on men and whether they are interested. You are letting this define you. You are so young! If you look on this website, there have been many posters who also struggled with relationships, and dated abusive men, cheating men, etc. And eventually found the perfect guy and got married to him.

 

You're probably also focusing on the attention other men give other women because of the insecurities that you have. I found I was often downplaying the number of men who were interested in me, and focusing on the number of men interested in my female friends because those men weren't interested in me as well. But the thing is, there are a lot of men, with varied tastes. Some men might like how your friends look, and some men will like how you look. You need to be patient. You're not a 40 year old spinster so you don't need to keep picking yourself apart trying to figure out why you're not with the perfect guy yet. You only need ONE guy, so it doesn't matter whether there are droves of men running after you or not.

 

I think you need to spend some time cultivating your interests. What do you like to do? What do you want to do but haven't tried doing yet? I found that I was obsessing over my looks because I wasn't spending my time doing anything else. My mind wasn't being occupied. So I started salsa dancing, which gave me a lot of confidence because there are a lot of men who come to social dancing events and they would give me a lot of attention. I also started going to the gym, trying new recipes, listening to music, volunteering, and generally filling up my time so that I wouldn't be browsing through pictures of my friends on facebook and wondering why they are worthy of dating men and I'm not. You need to learn to love yourself. And doing the things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself is a start. I would also talk to a counsellor about your issues.

 

I've noticed that there are a lot of ugly, mean, stupid people who get into relationships and find love. Its not as impossible as you think. Please don't feel discouraged. I know its hard not to dissect yourself when a guy dumps you, but it really doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you especially at such a young age.

[newmoon]

Looks have nothing to do with it. You probably do come off as intimidating because of your height/stature. But not ALL men like short or skinny women. In fact, most women in America are overweight and short. Every guy isn't going to get the "hot girl" I have seen overweight women snag attractive men who love them. And I know women with "hot bodies" who get used for sex or money.

 

You do attract attention so clearly some men do find you attractive. You just haven't been the right man yet, which is hard for most women regardless of looks. You should try do hang out in different areas, take different hobbies or even try online dating. Also, smile more, it can make all the difference!

 

And you sound very nice. I suggest reserving that for men who are worth it and show that they care and respect you. Don't be very nice to all men or even most.

 

Also, IDK if you care about IR dating but many Black/Latino/Arab men like bigger women. I noticed white men tend to prefer skinny women. I am generalizing but that's just what I notice.

 

Also, you shouldn't date until you are more secure in yourself. Men can sniff that out and some will try to use you because of that. If weight is a big thing, try to work out and eat cleaner. Get a gym membership and see a dietician.

 

i'm her height but 100 pounds less, so in all honesty i think the OP would look pretty intimidating at that height and weight to a lot of men. even at 5'10 and 130 i sometimes feel gigantic. for women who are significantly taller there can come a sense of not feeling attractive/feminine/pretty because you just don't have that petite look that men of many races gravitate towards. the OP might be down on herself for a variety of reasons but as a taller woman a definite part of that comes from the height, and if the weight is that high it wouldn't help. a fitness/healthy eating plan would build confidence, for a start. but i have never - as a tall woman - had trouble finding a bf, ever. there is someone for everyone but positive changes to help the body image make you feel so much better about yourself and how you come across to others

[don't talk to me]

It's not a matter of appearance. There will always be people who think you look ravishing. The problem is attracting people who actually like and respect you. You see, I've been in your shoes my whole life. I get men interested in me and when they get to know me better they re turned off by how needy i am (I dont even have to do anything, they just sense it).

 

My love history has always been like this, each and every time:

1) me being desperate for some guy's attention

2) managing to somehow get his attention and interest

3) me being overly giving. but having the feeling the other person is with me for convenience and just because im there

4) me feeling sick of myself and smothered by my own feelings, breaking up with the person one good sunny day and never seeing them again. Just to save me some dignity.

 

 

Truth is, im a miserable person. And i always wanted someone to save me from my misery. To prove me that im worthy of being loved and valued like everyone else. I think this basic human need is so amplified on me that makes me seem disgusting. I don't really know how to handle this so I avoid boyfriends alltogether. Hopefully I will gather the courage to try again soon.

[OpenBook]

It's not your looks, it's your lack of confidence.

 

I am overweight, and have been really over weight in my life, yet I have never had a problem keeping boyfriends (some of which where "hot" and incredibly fit).

 

But I am gregarious, I am very easy to approach and talk to. I make eye contact, smile and talk to strangers on a daily basis.

 

I really enjoy talking to men, and tend to find common interests.

 

Amen! You've got to be comfortable in your own skin. People sense it when you're not, and they don't want to be around the "uncomfortableness." It's awkward for them. Nothing against you personally. They just don't want to wrestle past that awkwardness.

 

I also think on some level they sense that you're looking to them to make the call on how valuable and worthy you are. That's never good. Don't give away your power and let other people's evaluation of you determine how you feel about yourself. That should be a "non-negotiable." It's your call, not theirs. It doesn't matter what they think. You're pretty, you're smart, you've got your act together, you have a lot to offer and nothing to prove, and it's ok if you don't hit it off with every-single-person-you-meet. Nothing wrong with that. Just keep on keepin on, and have faith in the certainty that you WILL run across someone who you DO hit it off with.

 

And a general observation - people like being around people who make them feel good. It's more about THEM, not you. Just be nice (to everybody), be calm (not desperate to do much of anything really), be content (no matter what is happening around you), have a "live and let live" attitude, go with the flow. You don't have to try so hard. Especially when your state of mind is contentment with yourself. You're the complete package, you don't need anyone else to help you feel that way.

[RecentChange]

Amen! You've got to be comfortable in your own skin. People sense it when you're not, and they don't want to be around the "uncomfortableness." .

 

So true - and when I "feel hot" I get SO much more attention than when I am just not feelin' myself.

 

I am pretty sure I look just the same as I did the week before - but when I am "on". When I feel good, think I look good - when I have that glow I turn heads.

 

When I think "man I feel fat and gross today" it seems like everyone's reaction to me confirms it.

 

I have experimented with this and it's really true for me at least. The internal dialog in my head makes a huge difference in how people perceive me.

[Cersei]

I think this is the best advice so far. I have met women like you describe here and it is infinitely irritating. Relationships are all about connections. Have to find ways to make connections with people.

 

You want to do well with men? Pick up some male-oriented hobbies. Get yourself a Playstation and start playing video games. Head down to your local hobby/gaming/comic book shop and check things out there. Find a group of people playing pretty much anything and try to get interested. Maybe ask someone to teach you. That crowd of guys will make you feel right at home and they are all dying to meet a girl who will do nerdy things with them.

 

Oh this is great advice! I went to one of our local video games stores and it just happened to be the day The Witcher 3 came out. Lots of guys were talking to me. And once they realized I actually play some of the same games they have played we had some great conversations.

 

Do it!

[What-2-Do]

I didn't read the entire post so I apologize if I'm repeating what others have said.

 

You're too hard on yourself. You're putting too much emphasis on physical qualities. The issue most likely is that you're just not meeting the right people. It's always hard when we feel that we aren't good enough for whatever reason but typically that's never the real case. It's most likely you're simply not meeting the right guys or that you're looking for the wrong type of guy.

 

Keep your head up I'm certain you're a beautiful woman.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You are focused too much on looks. In addition, you might have the female equivalent of "nice guy syndrome" in a way... You think that if are 'hawt' and nice and do everything for a guy he will like you more. Evidence actually supports people like you more when THEY invest in YOU, not the other way around. What makes them want to invest you? You're a confident, fun, good person who gets and accepts them, not insecure about your looks because you know you have way more to offer than that.

 

You do need to be more confident and value yourself more. If you put yourself out there and accept any behavior in men, you will keep getting hurt. Be more selective and see yourself as a prize (not being stuck up or vain). If a man sees a weak woman (doesn't matter what she looks like), he will use you. When I started online dating this year, I made that mistake and I learned how to value myself enough to walk away. If you have this attitude, you will filter out the types of guys that hurt you.