In a relationship with an older man

[Infinitylove]

Hi guys, i'm new here.

 

I'm 27 years old and my boyfriend is 41 years old. We've been in a relationship for 4years.

 

Lately, i always feel that he takes me for granted, that he neglects me, that he doesn't make efforts to contact me, message me or call me. He is not like that before. He always tell that its just busy at work. There are too many works to do.

 

And since me being a woman, i try to ignore him, im trying my best not to contact him. I want him to feel what he does to me.

 

Do you think i made the right decision on ignoring him for a while?,

 

P.s. i do love him still so much, i just want someone to talk.

 

Thank you guys.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Infinitylove

[d0nnivain]

Do you have a specific set of behaviors that would make you happier / more comfortable? Tell him what you want.

 

 

I expect my husband to kiss me hello & good-bye & I expect to say I love you's when we part from each other, including hanging up a phone. It's a scary world we live in & I never want to worry that my husband didn't hear those words as the last thing I ever said to him. I also had this thing about greeting cards & how they were addressed. I explained all of this to him & especially with the cards, even though he didn't understand my need, he gave me what I asked for because it's wasn't all that much & it was quite specific. Now he's the one who is more vigilant about the ILY's

 

 

If you just keep saying I want "more" without defining that for him, you won't get it. But spell it out, & you may be pleasantly surprised.

[Gaeta]

Since this has started only lately what happened? Did something happened at his work? in his family? got bad health news? you had a fight that started all this? Did you put pressure on him for something?

 

What jumped at me is that you've been dating 4 years. Usually couples have moved in together after all this time.

[kazen]

 

What jumped at me is that you've been dating 4 years. Usually couples have moved in together after all this time.

 

Most of my friends got married after 3 yrs around that age. They are not kids anymore so don't know what OP wants out of this relationship.

[Infinitylove]

Hi D0nnivain, thank you for the message.

 

We are currentlly in a long distance relationship since 4 months ago because of my work. Actually i always tell him straight what i want and what he's lacking, but sadly everytine i always tell him we end up having misunderstanding, he say that i don't understand his work, how demanding his work is.

 

Have a great day donnivain

[Infinitylove]

Since this has started only lately what happened? Did something happened at his work? in his family? got bad health news? you had a fight that started all this? Did you put pressure on him for something?

 

What jumped at me is that you've been dating 4 years. Usually couples have moved in together after all this time.

 

 

 

Hi Greta, thank you for the message.

 

Yes it just happen since we've became in a long distance relationship because of my work since 4months ago. He always though that i don't understand how demanding his work. That he can't message me all the time.

 

I just don't understand the fact that, why i can message him all the time, asking him how he is. While he's not.

 

Have a great day Greta.

[Infinitylove]

Most of my friends got married after 3 yrs around that age. They are not kids anymore so don't know what OP wants out of this relationship.

 

 

Hi Kazen, thank you for the message.

 

According to him, he just want me to enjoy my life, since i just graduated from university 6 months ago, he wants me to help my parents first before we married.

[Springsummer]

Should we say "he is just not that into you?"

 

nothing you can do but move on...it seems. Probably he is having an affair?

[d0nnivain]

The distance is part of the problem. When will it end? When you go back to normal, things should improve.

[Infinitylove]

Should we say "he is just not that into you?"

 

nothing you can do but move on...it seems. Probably he is having an affair?

 

 

 

Hi Springsummer, thank you for the message.

 

I always told him, if ever he don't love me and want me anymore. Just say so, so that i will not expect anything from him anymore. Always told him, he tell me straight. And he's answer always was there were no other woman.

[Infinitylove]

The distance is part of the problem. When will it end? When you go back to normal, things should improve.

 

 

 

Should i give up my carreer over him?, it seems unfair on my part, while i always support him on every decision he made.

[Blanco]

She was asking if this long distance is a permanent thing. It wasn't clear whether or not you had to temporarily relocate for work.

[Infinitylove]

She was asking if this long distance is a permanent thing. It wasn't clear whether or not you had to temporarily relocate for work.

 

 

Hi Blanco, thank you for the message.

 

Its temporary only. I god a job away from my homeland. But it will be for 2years.

[elaine567]

How was your relationship before you got the new job?

Was he supportive of your new job?

How often are you meeting in person now?

For a LDR to work there needs to be a good bond.

I think he is losing that bond and usually for men the lack of sex does not help.

What is the long term plan here?

Kids? At 41 does he even want marriage or kids, or more kids with you if he already has some? At 27 and four years in, you need to know exactly what his thoughts are. YOU cannot afford to waste any time with a guy who may be just using you as a "fill in" relationship and his heart is not really in it.

Do not jettison your career over this guy, as his disinterest may actually be little to do with distance.

Sometimes distance gives people time to think clearly, it can bring people closer but it can also make them realise that their priorities need to be elsewhere.

[Infinitylove]

How was your relationship before you got the new job?

Was he supportive of your new job?

How often are you meeting in person now?

For a LDR to work there needs to be a good bond.

I think he is losing that bond and usually for men the lack of sex does not help.

What is the long term plan here?

Kids? At 41 does he even want marriage or kids, or more kids with you if he already has some? At 27 and four years in, you need to know exactly what his thoughts are. YOU cannot afford to waste any time with a guy who may be just using you as a "fill in" relationship and his heart is not really in it.

Do not jettison your career over this guy, as his disinterest may actually be little to do with distance.

Sometimes distance gives people time to think clearly, it can bring people closer but it can also make them realise that their priorities need to be elsewhere.

 

 

Hi Elaine, thank you for the message.

 

Yes he was supportive about my work, before i start. And he always tell me before that our relationship will never change. Yes he has kids already, the plan was we will wait for his kids to finish college first, it will take 2 to 3 years from now, it was fine with me. Since i still want to help my parents first.

 

What i just don't understand is why he cannot message me often.

 

Even if a person is super busy, that person should never forget that he/she still have a partner. On my point of view. Like ask her how is she. How she have been, hows her day.

 

The problem is, if i'm not the one who message him first. He will not message me.

[elaine567]

What i just don't understand is why he cannot message me often.

 

Even if a person is super busy, that person should never forget that he/she still have a partner. On my point of view. Like ask her how is she. How she have been, hows her day.

 

The problem is, if i'm not the one who message him first. He will not message me.

 

As I said he is most likely losing the bond, he doesn't want to text you, he doesn't feel the need to message you.

My guess is that someone else has taken your place. He tells someone else the little stories of his day, someone else shares his jokes, someone else is now his confidante, so he doesn't need you any more.

It may be a relative, or his best buddy/buddies or it may be a co-worker/co workers or he may be actually cheating on you, or he may indeed be so busy at work he has little time for anything else, I don't know, there could be a myriad of reasons, but he obviously no longer sees you as his "go to" for friendly banter and emotional support.

Edited September 21, 2017 by elaine567

[Infinitylove]

As I said he is most likely losing the bond, he doesn't want to text you, he doesn't feel the need to message you.

My guess is that someone else has taken your place. He tells someone else the little stories of his day, someone else shares his jokes, someone else is now his confidante, so he doesn't need you any more.

It may be a relative, or his best buddy/buddies or it may be a co-worker/co workers or he may be actually cheating on you, or he may indeed be so busy at work he has little time for anything else, I don't know, there could be a myriad of reasons, but he obviously no longer sees you as his "go to" for friendly banter and emotional support.

 

 

Hi Elaine, thank you again for the reply.

 

He always told me that he will never cheat on me, because he is old already to cheat. Sometimes i don't know anymore when to believe him. Most of the time i have this doubt on him.

 

As muh as possible now, i'm controling myself to message/call him first.

 

Have a Good Day.

[angel.eyes]

What i just don't understand is why he cannot message me often.

 

Even if a person is super busy, that person should never forget that he/she still have a partner. On my point of view. Like ask her how is she. How she have been, hows her day.

 

The problem is, if i'm not the one who message him first. He will not message me.

Unfortunately, he's lost interest.

 

He's no longer invested in your relationship. Why that is? Who knows? You haven't provided much info. What is clear, however, is that after four years of dating, you seem to be going backwards, not forwards in the relationship. Doubling down and quitting your job for a boyfriend, when you are the only one trying to keep communication lines open would be a big mistake.

 

Time to reevaluate. Don't just continue to tread water in a dead relationship.

[elaine567]

Hi Elaine, thank you again for the reply.

He always told me that he will never cheat on me, because he is old already to cheat. Sometimes i don't know anymore when to believe him. Most of the time i have this doubt on him.

 

If you are asking him if he is cheating, then OK, but if he keeps telling you he is NOT cheating or he will NEVER cheat, then that may be a red flag.

 

Unfortunately it seems to me that older men do tend to be quite adept at cheating, so the fact he is 41 does not mean he is too old to cheat, it is often prime cheating time.

 

The other problem you may have is that as a man in his late thirties he was pitching at under 25yo women, ie you.

If his dial is set on the under 25s, then you at 27 may now be time expired as far as he is concerned and his attentions may be again elsewhere.

 

What is his dating history? That may give you some clues.