I became the other man and broke apart a family

[BoboFett]

Hello,

 

A couple of months ago I got a new job and was assigned to a project with N. We started talking and immediately felt a great connection. Pretty soon I learned that she is married and have a 3 y.o. child. I'm a couple of years older than her and never been married, and have no children. Meddling with a marriage, especially when a child is involved is a taboo for me, so I did my best to keep our relationship as friends only. As time passed, I noticed that I'm pulled to her more and more and enjoy our time together quite a lot. This made me very uncomfortable as our relationship was verging on becoming inappropriate, since we spent more and more time time together.

 

I was not very satisfied with my new job, so I started looking for new opportunities, and soon found a new position with better pay and opportunities. When I mentioned this to N., she immediately asked me not to leave and I could see how sad she was. This became a catalyst for what happened next. She picked up smoking, she was often very sad. One evening she asked for a talk. She basically said that she wanted to be, that I made her very happy with me and I said that while she is very important for me, there are some boundaries I cannot cross and asked her to keep our relationship as friends only.

 

A few days after that she asked me to have a walk with her. In the middle of our walk, the rain started. We were under one umbrella together, and she hugged me. We stood like this for a long time, I'm doing my best to hold myself back. After a very long time she kissed me and I couldn't control myself any more. I answered her kiss.

 

I felt extremely bad and depressed after we parted our ways. I felt like a very bad person, who crossed a very important boundary. Next day I repeated that I can not do that, and it was very hard for her, she basically said that she is unsure about her mental health if I won't be in her life. So I said that I will be in her life, but repeated that I don't want to be involved with a married woman.

 

I'll skip some events and go right to today. She has woken me up with a message that she wants to pick up something at my place before work. She has given one of her things to me a day before that, so I assumed that's what she wanted (although it didn't make a lot of sense). She came, and one thing lead to the other... We kissed again. We left for work together... I couldn't control my affection for her.

 

After a couple of hours she said that she can't live like that and didn't want to hide any more. I urged her to talk it out with her husband and not break apart her family, and said that I can ignore my feelings. She said she couldn't and that if she never met me, she could tolerate her husband, but now that she feels these things, she can't. I asked her to take things slow and not rush into anything. She agreed and made me promise that I won't disappear from her life.

 

Later this evening she wrote me that she talked to her husband about me, he understood and that she and her child will live on their own.

 

I feel very bad and guilty about this whole thing. I know that I'm the reason that this family falls apart. N. is very important for me and I'm pulled to her, but I feel like things are going very fast and I am pressured into making decisions I'm not comfortable with. I just don't know what to do. I promised her I won't disappear, so any form of no contact is out of the question. I want to be there for her, but as a friend, not a lover (at least, not at this point). Being childless, it's very hard for me to understand how to build a relationship with her child. I know that my parents won't accept this either and it will lead to a very big conflict. I feel obligated to her and her child, because I am the reason for her family situation.

 

I just want to make it clear that all we did was kiss, although I know that is cheating nonetheless. I wish I had a greater will to hold myself back.

 

I'm in great turmoil right now. I feel very bad and like a fraud. My work like has suffered too (and, as I mentioned, I will be leaving my current employer shortly), my whole life is upside down. I'm happy with her, but all the other time I feel a great black pit inside my stomach. I know that I need to help her in this situation. While I can say that I'm in love with her, I don't know if I want this, not at this cost... Everything is very fast and out of my control. I feel backed into a corner.

 

Please help me to find a solution to this. I simply don't know what to do. I asked her to be with her family every step of the way, but she said she is unhappy there. I can't just start seeing her - I feel that it's just wrong, unless she is divorced and I'm prepared to marry her. Everything less would be betraying her trust. I feel guilty for ruining her child's life - I know how family troubles can be traumatizing. I just need some rational advice. Please help.

[Sampson]

I think if you truly look at your relationship with this married woman you will see that boundary was crossed many times and long ago. Just minus the sex or the opportunity for sex.

 

Private messaging

Dates

Talking about her marriage from the outside

Physical touch (kissing, hugs, etc..)

Promises to each other

etc...

 

You have been dating a married woman if you look hard enough.

 

I caution you on continuing even a friendship with her, she needs help to figure herself and who she is out. Your relationship was all high minus the real life drama and responsibilities (a bubble relationship). Caution Caution

Edited September 20, 2017 by Sampson

[aileD]

You're not going to like the advice many give.

 

First this will destroy you. It already is.

 

Second you could be anyone. She just needs SOMEONE to use to escape a life she's not happy with. If you leave she'll find someone else to replace you.

 

Third, walk away. Tell her to contact you when she's actually divorced and you'll be 100% in but till then the respectful thing to do is to let her end her marriage and family with dignity and alone without you.

[Alinna]

You seem like a decent guy who is doing something terribly dumb. I am not going to 'sugar coat', so apologies if you are offended. Although I hope you are the opposite and will appreciate the candour.

 

Love the username .... moving on

 

1. Lets assume 'N' is 100% genuine. She is deeply unhappy in her marriage and after meeting you realises that she wants a chance to find someone who will make her happy.

 

So is her best outcome going to be relying on you, and ditching the husband? NOPE.

 

You are actually toxic to her, and will inhibit any recovery or decision she makes. You NEED to bow out. You are not a 'safe place to fall'.

 

2. Whatever you have is not a 'snowflake' kind of love, or destined to be, or kismet. You barely know each other and one of you is married.

 

Realistically you are two people in lust with each other at BEST. And you have had the decency to realise that's wrong/terrible idea.

 

Stop acting like it's anything else. You are taking way to much ownership of the situation.

 

Put it in perspective, if she was single would you even be thinking this way after 'a couple of months'. Heck no.

 

So why are you trying to make decisions as if it's some astounding cosmic event that just happened? It didn't.

 

Do NOT get involved in their marriage, her mental state, her decisions or anything else. You are not the answer.

 

3. You don't get away 'scot free'. You say what you did was 'wrong' and you did it anyway.

 

Ask yourself would you have participated in an affair if she had handled this quietly, and decided that's what she wanted.

 

I think you would have. How long it might have taken is another matter, but eventually yes, and probably quicker than you think.

 

Putting aside any 'moral issues', 'healthy' is the last word I would use to describe an affair. So you need to decide if you are happy with your behaviour, or is there something you need to change?

 

It sounds like you may be seeking a partner to 'settle' with, whether you knew that's what you wanted or it's caught you buy surprise. So where to from here? .. I'll give you advice for free that a married women isn't what you should be looking for.

 

This is becoming massive. So I'll let the LS community do what is does best, and bow out. But I wish you well. MOVE ON and learn, and you'll be fine

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Later this evening she wrote me that she talked to her husband about me, he understood and that she and her child will live on their own.

 

 

What!? Just like that?!

[Alinna]

What!? Just like that?!

 

It is also possible 'N' is telling you whatever you need to hear so that you will have sex with her.

 

Again putting aside any morality, that's a BAD idea too.

 

The only way you 'win' here is NOT to play...

[Birdies]

I will preface this by saying that I am in a relationship with my former AP - we were both married when the affair started. So I'm not judging your situation at all! And I can relate to the guilt you feel, for sure.

 

Sorry to say this dude, but she sounds CRAZY! Two kisses and she's leaving her husband and breaking up her family for you? Honestly you don't even sound like you want it to happen. If you examine your inner thoughts just a little bit, I think you can recognize that this is waaaaaay too much too quickly, and that you are getting pulled into something you never expected or asked for. Are you ready to be a step-dad and know that you're part of the reason that little kid is separated from his dad? You don't sound ready for that.

 

You should back away from this hot mess of a situation. It's great that you have a new job, so you won't have to interact daily. Tell her this isn't what you expected to have happen, it's not right, she should try to reconcile her marriage, and then CUT OFF CONTACT!

[whichwayisup]

So give this some thought. What makes YOU more special than the man she married and had a child with? The man she said vows to in front of family and friends, promised to love forever.

 

If you believe her, you're choosing to believe lies and manipulations. I highly doubt this woman is going to up and divorce her husband then move in with you and start a new life and then you play step daddy to their child. I doubt too that her husband is just willing to hand her over and his child to you and walk away quietly. Someone is lying here.

 

Tell her you want to talk to her husband, then watch her reaction. If what she says is 100 percent true then she'll have no problems with your suggestion. If she freaks out, gets angry or back tracks, then you know she's playing you for a fool, selfishly.

[travelbug1996]

She is extremely impulsive and when the fog clears this could be bad.

 

 

Run don't walk!!

[Darren Steez]

You're not happy at all are you? You say you are but you clearly aren't, why?

 

Because those red flags waving in the middle of the road and you keep ploughing through them.

 

She basically found a flunky boy whom she can twist around her little finger and she likes it.

 

I ask you a question, as a man. Imagine yourself married to a woman you loved and some guy came in and she ran off with him? Wouldn't you at least talk to him?

 

Have you talked to this guy? Her story seems weird and bizarre. From telling you not to go to your new job to leaving her husband after just a kiss.

 

Man up and talk to the husband just to verify what's going on and for heavens sake man if you're not happy and you do not want this relationship, heed the red flags and say no and leave.

[darkmoon]

do not be the part-time love that cheered her up at work

 

her husband might have said something he did not really want to live by to save his pride mid-quarrel, then they reconcile for the sake of the child

 

if any couple are done, they are done, and that has little to do with any outsider, s/he would leave because s/he couldn't stand the spouse any more at all, and this is not quite the case here

 

divorce is a big expensive step, specially with a lil child, it may never happen

 

well done for no sex, keep your sanity and avoid the three-ppl drama, do not play side-piece

 

I think she likes you very much for your principles and sensitivity, but now stop

Edited September 21, 2017 by darkmoon

[freengreen]

She is happy to leave the marriage

Her H is saying 'ok'..

No one cares about the child

 

Now, what do YOU want.. if you dont want all this to go haywire, just let her know that its done and that you are moving forward. DO NOT engage in any provoking acts for Gods sake( you have done well in not having sex). Give her her space and everything will get clear for her... and you... get off the shlt already.

[pheonixrisen]

So she discussed with her h .And he understood and said sure take our child and live separately .

 

N may be lying or her h may be on in a business trip now ...but that's besides the point this is a very painful road to travel .so stop

 

Stop kissing a married woman or inviting them to your home under pretence of picking up something you are a grown up I am sure you saw that coming from a mile .

[BoboFett]

I'm as stupid as they come.

 

She came to my place before work. She said that she feels that she made the right choice, her husband handled everything very calmly and just asked how they should proceed with the finances. He also asked her to take off their wedding ring. And that he hopes they can stay good friends. Her mom and her step-dad are supportive too, though sad.

 

I asked her if we can go to work, but she said she had a very hard night and asked me if she can rest at my place for a while. One thing led to another, she hugged me and started passionately kissing me and I made the stupidest thing - I let us have sex. So all people who said I've done a good thing - I actually lost control and made things worse. I really wish I was stronger to push her away.

 

I really feel that I don't have another option, but to see things through with her. I never asked for the responsibility, and it's killing me, but my actions led to this. I do care about her and it's hard to imagine what me leaving will do to her. I also promised to her I won't disappear. I know this sounds very childish "I made a promise", but I try to live by my promises.

 

You guys right I'm not happy, because everything feels rushed and my inner voice keeps yelling at me that something is wrong. I feel like I went to sleep being single and woke up with a wife and a 3 years old child. She says that her meeting me just made her realize that she can't be with her husband any more, that she can't lie to him while she has feelings for me, so she was prepared to end things without firm assurances, just to be able to pursue this chance for happiness. She said that she left work crying yesterday and when she got home he asked what's wrong and she just couldn't lie to him. Before that we agreed that we won't rush into anything.

 

I have this feeling like I'm just too nice and weak to say a firm no to her. I say no, but she somehow finds a way to lead me into doing what she originally wanted. This doesn't mean that I'm off the hook for my actions, it actually makes them worse.

 

I'll ask her for her husband's contacts. I think it's only fair that I hear his side of the story. I know that today made everything 100% worse, but maybe there is still a chance. How should I handle this meeting, if she gives me his contacts? I want to explain to him that the last thing I want is to break apart a family. I gave in to my impulses and made mistakes, but this is just wrong on so many levels. He sounds like a stand-up guy, and she said they are very close, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she can leave him like this. This makes me wonder if she will leave me just this easily for the next guy when the sparks stop flying (and I know they will).

 

I know exactly how it feels when another man takes away somebody you love - I lived through that a year ago and am not fully recovered yet. This makes me feel like a piece of ****, and no better than the guy that took her away from me... In my case I wasn't married to her, so this happening in a marriage and with a child makes things so much, much worse. I actually explained that I had this experience and don't want to do this to anyone else, but she brushed it off.

 

I keep beating myself up, like this is somehow would help. I really am trapped. I guess the only next step is manning up and talking to her husband.

[BoboFett]

There is so much text and so little meaning.

 

I never asked for any of this, but wasn't firm enough, so I gave her hope and she made a choice for both of us. I knew what I was doing, but fooled myself into thinking I'm a knight in shining armour. Me switching jobs was partly because I wanted to create a distance between us and think things through clearly. Didn't have the chance.

 

I can't say firm no to her because I see how every time I said no hurt her, and the I just can't hurt her... So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

My inner turmoil doesn't matter. I need to make concrete steps to resolve this. My conviction is to try to do everything to save their marriage, even if she says that ending it is the right choice.

[elaine567]

Very bad idea to try and speak to the husband as he may actually know nothing about you as she hasn't told him anything, cheaters are very good liars

OR

he may be a psychopathic crazy with a gun...

 

This is the world of extra marital sex not the world of bf/gf so anything is possible. Lying is the norm.

 

STEP back, you do not want to saddle yourself with a cheating woman and a kid and an irate husband for the next God knows how many years so just be sensible and get rid of her and her baggage out of your life, is my advice.

Find a nice uncomplicated single woman to "save"..

[wmacbride]

op,

 

you are being used.

 

some people in this world are just that...users. They will drain people's emotional resources until they are a husk, then move on to the next.

 

That what this woman sounds like to me.

 

I suppose that in the end, when you get right down to it, one has to be okay with the person looking back at them in the mirror every morning. You are not. You are engaging in behavior that goes against your values system, which is at the core of who "you" really are.

 

You know this is wrong for you. you know you are not happy. you know she can't be trusted.

 

What will you do? Stay and get even further and further down the rabbit hole until you have lost who "you" are and are emotionally barren, or will you rip off the band aid and protect your emotional and mental health?

[pheonixrisen]

I'm as stupid as they come.

 

She came to my place before work. She said that she feels that she made the right choice, her husband handled everything very calmly and just asked how they should proceed with the finances. He also asked her to take off their wedding ring. And that he hopes they can stay good friends. Her mom and her step-dad are supportive too, though sad.

 

I asked her if we can go to work, but she said she had a very hard night and asked me if she can rest at my place for a while. One thing led to another, she hugged me and started passionately kissing me and I made the stupidest thing - I let us have sex. So all people who said I've done a good thing - I actually lost control and made things worse. I really wish I was stronger to push her away.

 

I really feel that I don't have another option, but to see things through with her. I never asked for the responsibility, and it's killing me, but my actions led to this. I do care about her and it's hard to imagine what me leaving will do to her. I also promised to her I won't disappear. I know this sounds very childish "I made a promise", but I try to live by my promises.

 

You guys right I'm not happy, because everything feels rushed and my inner voice keeps yelling at me that something is wrong. I feel like I went to sleep being single and woke up with a wife and a 3 years old child. She says that her meeting me just made her realize that she can't be with her husband any more, that she can't lie to him while she has feelings for me, so she was prepared to end things without firm assurances, just to be able to pursue this chance for happiness. She said that she left work crying yesterday and when she got home he asked what's wrong and she just couldn't lie to him. Before that we agreed that we won't rush into anything.

 

I have this feeling like I'm just too nice and weak to say a firm no to her. I say no, but she somehow finds a way to lead me into doing what she originally wanted. This doesn't mean that I'm off the hook for my actions, it actually makes them worse.

 

I'll ask her for her husband's contacts. I think it's only fair that I hear his side of the story. I know that today made everything 100% worse, but maybe there is still a chance. How should I handle this meeting, if she gives me his contacts? I want to explain to him that the last thing I want is to break apart a family. I gave in to my impulses and made mistakes, but this is just wrong on so many levels. He sounds like a stand-up guy, and she said they are very close, and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she can leave him like this. This makes me wonder if she will leave me just this easily for the next guy when the sparks stop flying (and I know they will).

 

I know exactly how it feels when another man takes away somebody you love - I lived through that a year ago and am not fully recovered yet. This makes me feel like a piece of ****, and no better than the guy that took her away from me... In my case I wasn't married to her, so this happening in a marriage and with a child makes things so much, much worse. I actually explained that I had this experience and don't want to do this to anyone else, but she brushed it off.

 

I keep beating myself up, like this is somehow would help. I really am trapped. I guess the only next step is manning up and talking to her husband.

 

That's not your 3 year old child the child already has a father &

That's not your wife .

 

You had sex with a married woman .And you are going on about you woke up with a wife & child promises made and life tide up....calm down .

 

It has been said enough time it's a very long road from separation (If she is actually separated based on one talk) to an actual divorce .

 

Stop playing a victim ..as though you don't have control and everything is happening to you .

 

And she did not leave her family for you.

so stop taking that responsibility on your self .She did that for her own self .her own selfish desires .

 

Call her h and ask .do not meet him in person .

Let see what she says when you ask for the h number.

[BTDT2012]

You guys right I'm not happy, because everything feels rushed and my inner voice keeps yelling at me that something is wrong.

 

 

Listen to your inner voice. You know what you are doing is wrong. This isn't what you want. Let her leave her husband if that is what she wants to do. Don't let her move in with you. Tell her to come find you when she is divorced.

[Birdies]

What the hell dude. You fcked her once, that doesn't mean she can force herself into your life and make you into an insta-husband and stepdad!

 

Who the hell leaves their husband and breaks up their family for a friend they kissed twice. A CRAZY PERSON! Man up, communicate your feelings, and back away from this hot mess!

 

Copy and paste your posts here and email them to her. Tell her that this is how you really feel, but you are having a hard time saying it to her face.

[1966Seahorse]

Hi Bobofett,

 

I did something very similar to you ... got myself in to a situation where I "went along with it" as I didn't want to hurt other half's feelings ... and 20 years later I am still in the same situation because I CAN'T let go - I would rather make sure others are happy and sacrifice my own happiness in order to achieve this ... so to the outside world I am living a normal family life - but inside my head I am in torture every single day as this is not the life I wanted or want now ... however I wont ever change this as I couldn't cope with the devastation that others would feel if I did so ....

 

.... PLEASE DO NOT GO DOWN THE ROUTE I HAVE ... I get what you say about making promises and keeping them and being "the nice guy" ... I have done EXACTLY the same thing, by being "the nice woman" - but it is KILLING me EVERY SINGLE DAY ...

 

... and I guess by finally having sex with your "lady friend" this has probably shown commitment to her ... commitment that you apparently don't want!! ... I so wish you had been stronger and not done this ... but you don't need anyone ramming this down your throat - you know it yourself.

 

I can only urge you to be strong ... sit down with your lady friend and tell her how it is ... sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind .... stop this now - instantly - before you too are potentially 20 years down the line, unhappy, as I am ... don't waste your life ... please.

[1966Seahorse]

... and you say you are trapped - no you aren't - you just need to put a STOP to this immediately ... you are only trapped if you want to be - you have not made a commitment to your lady friend.

[freengreen]

comman man.. live up to your name.. Bobafett ...

[misspalmy]

no one can break up a family apart from the cheater. dont take the blame it was the cheater that did

[BaileyB]

There is so much text and so little meaning.

 

I never asked for any of this, but wasn't firm enough, so I gave her hope and she made a choice for both of us. I knew what I was doing, but fooled myself into thinking I'm a knight in shining armour. Me switching jobs was partly because I wanted to create a distance between us and think things through clearly. Didn't have the chance.

 

I can't say firm no to her because I see how every time I said no hurt her, and the I just can't hurt her... So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

 

My inner turmoil doesn't matter. I need to make concrete steps to resolve this. My conviction is to try to do everything to save their marriage, even if she says that ending it is the right choice.

 

Don't contact her husband. It is her marriage and he is her responsibility. You have no business interfering in their relationship and you have no right to talk to him. And, if he is angry with you... it will not end well.

 

Life is about choices. Everyday, we all make choices - some good, some bad, and some absolutely terrible choices. But at the end of the day, we are each responsible for our choices. The lives we create, are a result of the choices we have made.

 

You are responsible to make your own choices. You, and only you. If you decide to stay because you feel like you don't want to hurt this woman and you have no other choice (which of course, you always have the choice to end any relationship), well... that is a choice that you are making. You are choosing to allow this woman, who makes her own terrible decisions, to make the decisions for you... And that, is an absolutely terrible choice.

 

So, if you stay with this woman out of whatever very misguided obligation you feel towards her and your life is unhappy... don't be surprised. You don't get to play the victim and complain. Your life, just like everyone else, is a result of the choices you have made.

 

If you don't like the situation, make a different choice.

Edited September 22, 2017 by BaileyB