MM's Soon to be Ex unblocked me on Facebook

[anika99]

If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

 

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to

get back to us

 

So he went through IVF, knowing all along that he was going to leave his wife and fight her for joint custody and give his kid a broken home. That is pretty disturbing, almost downright psychopathic. Who deliberately chooses this for a child before they even exist?

 

In your other thread you said the plan was for you to move in as soon as his wife moved out. When are you moving in?

[LGBJUNHAO]

So he went through IVF, knowing all along that he was going to leave his wife and fight her for joint custody and give his kid a broken home. That is pretty disturbing, almost downright psychopathic. Who deliberately chooses this for a child before they even exist?

 

In your other thread you said the plan was for you to move in as soon as his wife moved out. When are you moving in?

 

Like I said in other thread, he had two options at the time, he chose the one that he thought was best for her. One thing I learnt from all this is that never judge some unless you are in their shoes. you are entitled to your opinions, we are no going to lose sleep over this.

 

We are doing out best to make most of this mess. Yes, we are moving together. We already had a date just working all the logistics.

[whichwayisup]

Talked to my BF, he said since my setting is private and I don't need to do anything, Cause if I block her she would notice since i am sure she is checking my facebook. They are still going through the mediation so I don't want to do anything to hinder the progress of their divorce.

 

Filing a restraining order is not an option because they have a kid together.

 

Eventually you and him need to meet with her because some day their child is going to be around you. That's not going to be easy for her. I'm sure if the situation was reversed you'd feel the exact same way. This is why I suggested you make peace with her and rid of your anger towards her. Everybody has to put the child first.

[whichwayisup]

If you read my previous posts, you should know I am not the issue here regarding the kid. I have no issue for the kids to stay with us. It is her that doesn't want that.

 

Yes, he is seeking joint custody and will pay child support, but she is fighting the joint custody, she wanted 100% custody and asking for supervised visit which is ridiculous. We are not the problem , she is which i understand because she is resentful toward use she is using he kid to

get back to us

 

Have you met the kids? I think family counseling is in order here, (how many kids do they have? You implied one but now you've said 'kids').

 

This whole facebook thing isn't the issue, you may think it is but it actually it's not. She wants to know more about you because if some day you are going to be helping raise their children she needs to know you a bit and build some trust that you are going to love and treat their kids well and not bash her to them or try to take her place as their mom. Please put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

 

Maybe visitation at first especially if you move in with him soon is a good idea. This way the kids have time to adjust and accept what is happening. It hasn't been that long since he moved out, right?

[whichwayisup]

Like I said in other thread, he had two options at the time, he chose the one that he thought was best for her. One thing I learnt from all this is that never judge some unless you are in their shoes. you are entitled to your opinions, we are no going to lose sleep over this.

 

We are doing out best to make most of this mess. Yes, we are moving together. We already had a date just working all the logistics.

 

Bolded, then you need to not judge her since you've not walked in her shoes. Just sayin' if you put that out there, you gotta take that in and see the irony here.

[LGBJUNHAO]

Bolded, then you need to not judge her since you've not walked in her shoes. Just sayin' if you put that out there, you gotta take that in and see the irony here.

 

 

thank you I see that.

 

And I know she hates me because in her mind, i steal her husband and burst her bubble of having a family with him I get that. I didn't get involved in this knowing he was MM, but i know it is no excuse to have a relationship in MM. Like many OW here, I never thought I would be OW, but it happened.

 

I feel sorry about the whole situation. and feel sorry for her too. That's why when she sent me nasty message/emails, I never responded or said anything. I just deleted. Even when she contacted the HR department of y company which caused a lot of problems for me, and threatened to come to my house to harm me. I still didn't file restraining order against her.

 

I am willing to make peace with her and be civil for the kid they have, but I think the ball is in her court and it will take times for her to let go all the anger and resentment.

 

No i have not met the kid. MM proposed to for me to meet him when he was taking out to the park I refused because I don't want to do this behind her back and without her permission. after all she is the mom.

 

They are working on a parent plan , i am sure issues such as visitation will be brought up. It is between them two. They will have to work it out.

[wmacbride]

thank you I see that.

 

And I know she hates me because in her mind, i steal her husband and burst her bubble of having a family with him I get that. I didn't get involved in this knowing he was MM, but i know it is no excuse to have a relationship in MM. Like many OW here, I never thought I would be OW, but it happened.

 

I feel sorry about the whole situation. and feel sorry for her too. That's why when she sent me nasty message/emails, I never responded or said anything. I just deleted. Even when she contacted the HR department of y company which caused a lot of problems for me, and threatened to come to my house to harm me. I still didn't file restraining order against her.

 

I am willing to make peace with her and be civil for the kid they have, but I think the ball is in her court and it will take times for her to let go all the anger and resentment.

 

No i have not met the kid. MM proposed to for me to meet him when he was taking out to the park I refused because I don't want to do this behind her back and without her permission. after all she is the mom.

 

They are working on a parent plan , i am sure issues such as visitation will be brought up. It is between them two. They will have to work it out.

 

- please stop referring tot he child as " the kid". That's rude.

 

also, none of this will be up to you. this child, quite frankly, is absolutely none of your business. I'm saying this gently,because unless you want to create an even bigger mess, stay out of anything to do with their child. You are not his stepmother, right now, you are, in the eyes of the law and in any other way, nothing to this child.

 

That may change in time, but for now, leave that situation alone.

[pheonixrisen]

We have discussed about this. I am in no hurry to be close to his kid. I understand it is going to take time giving the situation. after we finally move in together, if the kid has to stay over night, he could stay at his brother's place when it is his turn to have the kid.

 

I have no issue the kid to stay with us for that, but i understand she would not want it at least for the foreseeable future. I am not trying to be his son's step mom. I am his father's gf. That's all.

 

Op sorry you may have mentioned but i am not sure

Currently where is the mm living ? While hashing out the details of his divorce .

Still at his marital home or are you and mm already living together .

[elaine567]

Op sorry you may have mentioned but i am not sure

Currently where is the mm living ? While hashing out the details of his divorce .

Still at his marital home or are you and mm already living together .

 

Seems the marital home is his "family" home and is a premarital asset, but I guess his wife will be fighting over that, as she now has a child to consider.

[LGBJUNHAO]

- please stop referring tot he child as " the kid". That's rude.

 

also, none of this will be up to you. this child, quite frankly, is absolutely none of your business. I'm saying this gently,because unless you want to create an even bigger mess, stay out of anything to do with their child. You are not his stepmother, right now, you are, in the eyes of the law and in any other way, nothing to this child.

 

That may change in time, but for now, leave that situation alone.

 

OMG, didn't you read my post I have absolutely have no intention to get involved and specifically said I will leave them to work things out in terms of their child. Geeze.

[LGBJUNHAO]

Op sorry you may have mentioned but i am not sure

Currently where is the mm living ? While hashing out the details of his divorce .

Still at his marital home or are you and mm already living together .

 

It is a premarital home so she doesn't have any right to that house. She moved out last month. He is currently living there. I own my own place. I don't want to move in his house a place they lived together for over a decade and a place she just moved out.

 

The plan is for him to live with me for a while while he remodels the pre-marital home.

 

The attorney suggested that he wait to move in with me as this may anger her and make her irrational during the negotiation process. He suggested that we wait till after the agreement is signed and entered into court.

[pheonixrisen]

So the least bad choice in a situation is bringing a child into a marriage where he's having an affair, is extremely unhappy and wants to get out.

 

He basically, knowing full well he had no plans on staying in the marriage, was a-okay with condemning his child to forever be in the middle between him and the wife he wanted to leave. My guess is that one of two things went on.

 

(a) he's an absolute self centered idiot with the emotional intelligence of a clam

 

(b) he's lying about the state of his marriage

 

For the sake of the op, as bad as it is to say, I hope it's that he's lying because he's trying to cover his rear. The alternative is that he is a man who would sacrifice the mental well being of is own child to assuage his guilt. That's got to be one of the most disgusting ideas I've seen on here, which is why I really hope he's lying.

 

Being deceptive is bad, but it's a heck of a lot better than this. At least if he's lying, the op may be able to encourage him to get into some therapy so he can sort through all of this and hopefully come out the other end as better partner who won't hurt the op the way he is hurting his wife.

 

Also, if it was a bs who went out of her way to get pregnant when she knew her spouse was cheating because she thought it would make him stay, I fully expect there would be a huge backlash, which is just as it should be. you don't use children that way.

 

Op, I know it might seem like we are beating up on you, and I can certainly understand how it could feel that way. Many of us simply don't want to see you end up being hurt by this guy. I know you want to be with him, love him and hope to spend your life with him. Those are all good things, just be very, very careful to not let rose coloured glasses keep you from protecting yourself.

 

I think all of us and the op included may be getting way ahead of ourselves..from what is put here from op and various posters is..

 

-The mm starts an affair

-Then while in an affair ..goes through ivf and the couple are successful the 8th time and are blessed with a child (which according to op the mm did not want .but gave his wife one last gift .)

 

-continues the affair last 3 years

-Still living with his wife and child

-told the op that wait for wife to move out so he can move her in (which I don't see happening as now thier is a child so any moving now has to be either done by him or sell the home .

 

-as per op discussion of divorce has been happening for last one year ..but op does not mention if it's actually filed .instead mentions they are discussing child visitation plan ...which can be done after a divorce also when the case is for custody of the child .

 

Mm does not move out ...op has discussed with married man but are working out the logistic ..

 

I think o.p you are getting way ahead of your self and calling her soon to be ex ...if this mm is leaving good for you but i advice you to keep a low profile where all this custody plan and his child visitation plus where he can stay when child comes to visit talk ....this mm may not be going anywhere .

 

Did he actually file for a divorce ?as you already seem to know that child is staying with her and may come to visit .What exactly they are then hashing out for last one year ...i don't want to reign on your parade but dont get too ahead of your self ...you might want to detail the after life of his family after a divorce is filed and final. Just a suggestion.good luck .

[stillafool]

My facebook is private. only my friends can All posts/pictures. I set my friend list private so even my friends can't see my friend list. They can only see mutual friends. I also removed the picture tag of my in any of the pictures my friends posted with public setting.

 

I am a little scared of what she is going to do next. They are not officially divorced yet.

 

Scared of what? What could she possibly do to you that you have not done to her? Why on earth has it taken a year and they are still not divorced. He doesn't need her approval to divorce he can just do it.

[William]

A lot of familiar names causing a lot of familiar trouble here lately.

 

As another member had to point out, the OM/OW forum is just like any other forum here. It is designed for advice and to be helpful and supportive to the OP regardless of your personal opinion of the situation they have found themselves in. If you can't do that feel free to display your disapproval with your lack of reply.

 

As I said, many familiar names have been sanctioned already. You know who you are, you all know our guidelines, and have become adept at tap dancing around them.

 

Consider this fair warning that this won't be tolerated. No more pushing boundaries. Post out of line in the infidelity areas, be banned.

 

OP, I return the thread to you and encourage very liberal use of the "ALERT US" function. ~T

[LGBJUNHAO]

A lot of familiar names causing a lot of familiar trouble here lately.

 

As another member had to point out, the OM/OW forum is just like any other forum here. It is designed for advice and to be helpful and supportive to the OP regardless of your personal opinion of the situation they have found themselves in. If you can't do that feel free to display your disapproval with your lack of reply.

 

As I said, many familiar names have been sanctioned already. You know who you are, you all know our guidelines, and have become adept at tap dancing around them.

 

Consider this fair warning that this won't be tolerated. No more pushing boundaries. Post out of line in the infidelity areas, be banned.

 

OP, I return the thread to you and encourage very liberal use of the "ALERT US" function. ~T

 

Thanks much William. I am fairly new to the forum and don't post much, I will surely follow your suggestion using "Alert us" in the future when needed. thanks again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Divorce can take a long time. Mine took a year and I did not even have a checking account with him. He contested it, kept tossing the papers. I have male friends whose divorces took years and years. One, 4 years, another it's been 1.5 years so far and there is barely any progress. He filed over a year ago and just moved out to his parents house.

 

Probably she unblocked you to check up on you. But I will say I unblocked xmm's wife as a sign to myself that I was over all the drama and pain. Granted I realize it is a different situation but just throwing it out there.

[Chrionaa99]

Thank you Lostgirl for defending me. I thought I would be safe here since it is the other woman board. I am surprised by all the bashing.

 

 

I didn't realize you were getting bashed?

 

If you thought what I shared was aimed at you in some way instead of meant as helpful then I sincerely apologize... wasn't meant that way at all. It was only me trying to show concern.

 

My intent was to share a possibility that is, unfortunately, not out of the question. In fact, my opinion was based on more than just IVF. It's also the timeline you shared and the fact that his actions are closely aligned with narcissism and display a need for control over the women in his life.

 

I've been on both sides of that coin.

 

It's concerning to me, though, if you feel like people on this board are bashing you because their answers don't meet your expectations. If you feel the need to be defended that might be another red flag that you're being used. You might be connecting with that realization on a subconscious level that throws a wrench in your efforts to analyze and ask for advice. You feel like a victim deep down and it manifests in your outreach in this forum.

 

I think we all just want you to be careful because we actually do care... at least that's how I feel. I hate to see anyone hurting - the wife, you, the man, the child. No adult here is 100% to blame or 100% innocent. The only innocence that deserves protection is that child. All of you need to consider that, too.

 

It doesn't matter what your background is or which role you fill in this relationship if you feel called to share your story in a forum like this one you have to be prepared to hear things that you really don't want to hear.

 

That's not aggression aimed at you... it's more like playing "devil's advocate" which is always a good way to gauge possible outcomes.

 

That's why people write lists of "pros and cons" - because you need to inspect a situation from every possible angle to make well-informed, wise decisions about life.

 

Good luck to you.