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EthanSPK

By EthanSPK,
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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Okay, it's 5 a.m. in the morning and I don't have anyone to talk seriously about this issue.

 

First of all, english is not my first language, sorry if I don't use the right words to express something.

 

Now to the important part. I'm 23, I'm at college, living alone mostly (away from my family and friends, though I see them twice a month). Dated several girls, but never had sexual intercourse with any of them. Last time was a year ago or so, dumped her because she was too immature and said nasty things to me. I also have an anxiety disorder, for which I've been prescripted some pills (I'm feeling muuuuch better than before).

 

Two years ago my ex (from a long distance relationship) broke with me, which basically messed up with my mind in a very bad way. I've talked to her a few days ago, and realized she had moved on with her life while I'm standing still.

 

Well, it's not like I haven't done anything with my life at all. I moved out from my parents' house, got a scholarship, started new proyects, but am not doing so well with my internal feelings.

 

Why is that, you may be asking. I realized she lost her virginity, which basically made me question the importance I give to "having my first time with someone I truly love". I mean, it's getting harder and harder to find someone I can truly love. And I tried so hard, but oh boy, I don't know where can I find someone who meets my standards (not saying they are too high, but... you know, I'm not into sleeping over with strangers/people I recently met).

 

I swear I'm not a "Mr. Nice Guy", neither a full-blown *******, though I tend to be socially selective. Should I give up my virginity to a sex worker so I can finally stop thinking about it, or what? Help this poor soul in distress

 

Random song:

 

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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If you are at university make friends there. Join a group on campus. Enlarge your social circle & have fun. Yes, College is about academic learning but it's also about learning to be an independent adult & learning who you are as a person.

 

Find out if your school has mental health services available to students. Many in the US do but I don't know about where you're from. Do some talk therapy to help figure out things.

 

I'm not a big fan of using sex workers. It may jade you in the eyes of a future potential partner. You are still young. There is time for it to happen naturally.

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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If you are at university make friends there. Join a group on campus. Enlarge your social circle & have fun. Yes, College is about academic learning but it's also about learning to be an independent adult & learning who you are as a person.

 

Find out if your school has mental health services available to students. Many in the US do but I don't know about where you're from. Do some talk therapy to help figure out things.

 

I'm not a big fan of using sex workers. It may jade you in the eyes of a future potential partner. You are still young. There is time for it to happen naturally.

 

Hi donnivain, thanks for the answer.

 

I have some friends here, yeah. Mostly people getting their Ph.D or workers (yeah, that sounds kinda strange). For several reasons I couldn't/can't be friends with my classmates, not that I mind at all because I'm used to such thing... well maybe not, it still pains me from time to time.

 

My university has mental health services, but I'm not willing to use them since I don't want the authorities to know I'm under psychiatric treatment (been a member of the College Council and know for a FACT that the members of the Council know everything about anyone if they care enough).

 

Btw, should I be interested in meeting girls again, or should I give my heart some more time to heal by its own?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Your desire to save your virginity for someone you love doesn't track with your consideration of utilizing a sex worker. Don't do that. Maybe just adjust your expectations about sex and don't put so much pressure on finding "the one for life" and being ok with dating "the one right now."

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Your desire to save your virginity for someone you love doesn't track with your consideration of utilizing a sex worker. Don't do that. Maybe just adjust your expectations about sex and don't put so much pressure on finding "the one for life" and being ok with dating "the one right now."

 

A few days ago I went to a friend's house who told me the same. But it's hard since I can't keep a relationship for too long (the longest one lasted for just 5 weeks or so, except for the LDR).

 

How do girls feel about dating a boy who never had sex before?

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Some women will think it's great. Others won't be thrilled & may dump you. They are the wrong women for you. Don't lead with the info about your status Just date them. See when it goes. When the time is right, instinct will guide you along

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Some women will think it's great. Others won't be thrilled & may dump you. They are the wrong women for you. Don't lead with the info about your status Just date them. See when it goes. When the time is right, instinct will guide you along

 

Thanks for your advice, donnivain. I will keep everything you said in mind :)

 

Regarding my ex, I'll stick to that NC thing you guys always mention. Kinda painful but I think it's the best, haha.

 

About meeting new people, I'm interested in participating on new activities/joining clubs/whatever. Found a perfect website for that, but since I live far from the city (3-hour travel) it's getting hard. But it's the best option since people from that page meet because they share a common interest (reading, cooking, technology, you name it).

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Join clubs on campus not in the city.

 

We don't have clubs here :( this campus is just a branch from the main one which is in the city, and it's located next to a small town.

 

Except for a science-meeting-thing at a bar we have once a month. But the people who goes there are mostly grown-up scientists, so I don't have much in common with them.

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Oh. That is unfortunate that there are no clubs on your campus. Can you change campuses?

 

Nope, unless I go back to the city which is not going to happen. So far I've been keeping my mind busy with projects and hobbies, but I need something more social.

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CeciliaCylara

CeciliaCylara

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As a woman, I don't mind if a guy hasn't had sex. Although I haven't had sex either yet (23). If you've managed this long, might as well save it for someone who's worth waiting for.

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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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As a woman, I don't mind if a guy hasn't had sex. Although I haven't had sex either yet (23). If you've managed this long, might as well save it for someone who's worth waiting for.

 

It's amazing to see I'm not alone in this path. Do you mind me asking how do you feel about it?

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CeciliaCylara

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Both

 

I feel pretty confident in my choice. I think it's a test of self-restraint for me and I don't feel like I'm missing out. I was close to wanting to lose it for my ex, who I truly loved and would give it for. After the breakup, I was devastated from a broken heart and the reality that I almost gave that part of myself him before he dropped my heart. Since then, I've decided to live celibate and not have sex until after I'm married. Only then would I trust someone enough to commit to me and expose that vulnerability to.

 

I've definitely heard my fair share of "WHAT?! YOU'RE A VIRGIN?!", but they usually follow up with comments of kudos. They're more shocked that I wouldn't have sex until marriage. I can't blame them, since it seems people are afraid to get married these days and are okay with staying bf/gf status for long-term.

 

However, I want to build an emotional bond with someone first before giving the physical part of it in a relationship. Personally, I feel living this way works for someone like me. I believe I'm someone worth waiting for, and I would wait for someone who I thought was worth it. It's not for everyone and I respect that. I'm happy as I am and that's what matters.

Edited by CeciliaCylara
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EthanSPK

EthanSPK

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Well, I admire you for that.

 

To be honest, I (almost) always lie about it because people often misinterpret things and I don't like that. For instance, my parents doubted about my sexuality because of that. Also I was always bullied at high school because of the same thing, so now I'm always like "oh yeah I f--ked her right in the p---y", when actually I'm married to college.

 

The one and only positive comment I heard about my virginity was from a friend (girl) who absolutely loved me and praised me because of that. Other comments go from "meh" to "what are you, gay?"

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CeciliaCylara

CeciliaCylara

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Well, I admire you for that.

 

To be honest, I (almost) always lie about it because people often misinterpret things and I don't like that. For instance, my parents doubted about my sexuality because of that. Also I was always bullied at high school because of the same thing, so now I'm always like "oh yeah I f--ked her right in the p---y", when actually I'm married to college.

 

The one and only positive comment I heard about my virginity was from a friend (girl) who absolutely loved me and praised me because of that. Other comments go from "meh" to "what are you, gay?"

 

Eh, screw what people say. Tell them at least my chances of catching an STD is 0% than the 25% average. Nobody messed with me in high school. I was a black belt and always kept to myself. I didn't mess with anyone, so nobody paid me much mind. Confidence is key.

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EthanSPK

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Eh, screw what people say. Tell them at least my chances of catching an STD is 0% than the 25% average. Nobody messed with me in high school. I was a black belt and always kept to myself. I didn't mess with anyone, so nobody paid me much mind. Confidence is key.

 

I kinda deserved being bullied because I was a little son of a bitch (I still am, in a different way). Always went against social norms and implicit rules, which made me an undesirable one.

 

Not gonna lie, my self esteem used to be on the floor, but it skyrocketed since past year thanks to my friends.

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CeciliaCylara

CeciliaCylara

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Addictions are bad, lol. Everything in moderation. Sadness is part of feeling. Rather than fight it, we accept sadness as part of our ability to be empathetic. It's okay to feel sad. We learn to appreciate the things that make us happy more. Losing it and feeling the resulting sadness reminds us we're alive and we feel.

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