To change or not to change... your last name, that is

[apples]

I got married very young and changed my last name to my husband's name. I had a couple of reasons for doing that... 1) I was young and just assumed that was what I was supposed to do. 2) I have an older sister with a reputation for being crazy, and as much as I love my sister I desperately wanted to distance myself. While married I have a baby and, of course, the baby has his dad's last name, which is also my name. Pretty quickly, we end up getting divorced (that's a whole different story) but I keep his last name.

 

Fast forward to present time... I am dating a wonderful man. We've been together for almost eight years. I am extremely nervous about getting married again, and he's been very understanding. A year ago he proposed, and I accepted.

 

Beautiful story, right? Yeah, except for one, tiny little detail. I don't want to change my name again, and he feels VERY strongly that I should. Again, I have my reasons... 1) He has one of those million letter last names that no one can pronounce. 2) His parents were never married and he has his mother's last name. She and I currently pretend to get along, but in reality hate each other. We had a huge blowout several years ago during which she told me she didn't like me so this is not paranoia on my part. I don't feel I should have to share a last name with someone I don't like and doesn't like me. 3) I have gotten two college degrees, opened my own business and have several business related licenses and business memberships all in my married name. I don't want to have to change those. 4) I still live near my sister, and her reputation is still going strong. 5) I have the same last name as my son, and I don't want to change that. 6) Finally, if I had known then what I know now, I would have never changed my name in the first place. To me it's totally archaic-I'm not his possession. I told him that if he could give me a good reason why I should change my name then I would. So far the best reason he's got is "because you should". Sorry, but that's not a good reason.

 

His response to this is that I have two choices... 1) Change my name to his or, 2) Change my name back to my maiden name. My response is that I will change my name if he changes his name to his father's name. Why should I be the only one that has to change names?

 

What do you all think?

[Outcast]

I think he's being stubborn and unreasonable. It's just a name. It will be a huge inconvenience to you to change at this point. Tell him that while it might have been somebody else's initially, it's yours now and you're no different from any of the other folks in the phone book with that name. He obviously thinks that somehow it's an emotional tie to the other guy. Put him straight about the fact that it's just a blasted name.

 

People put WAY too much significance on foolish things like this! Life is just too freakin' short to get your knickers in a twist about something so insignificant.

[bab]

I'm having the debate with myself right now. My biggest reason for wanting to change my name is because I want to be a family, and all of us have the same name. I don't have any kids, so I can see how this is a bigger problem for you. On the other hand, by the time we get married, I will have completed a doctorate degree with my maiden name, and published a few papers. Not to mention, my dad was the only son, my brother has all girls, and my sister changed her name. I'm the last remaining of my father's name. So, I'm torn. My fiance is supportive if I decide to keep my name, but insists that our kids will have his name. Hmmm...

 

How involved is your ex-husband with your child? I only ask because of what happened with my brother. My brother has a different dad, and so when my parents got married, my mom changed her name and my brother was the "odd ball" out so to speak. It wasn't my mom that was bothered by this, but my brother. When he turned 12, he was legally old enough to decide for himself to change his name, and my mom took him to the courthouse, and he changed his last name to my father's. Most people assume that my father adopted him, but he didn't. I'm not suggesting this is what you should do for your child, especially if your ex-husband is still involved, it's just what happened in my family.

 

I'm in the process of finding out about how annoying it would be to have a professional name and a personal name. i.e. Dr. Maiden Name and Mrs. Married Name. I'm not sure how this would work, but I'm leaning to this as a solution. I did at one point ask my fiance to change his name to mine. He was less than thrilled. I dropped this after hearing on NPR how difficult is for men to do this. For instance, on children's birth certificates there are places for the mother's maiden name, but nothing similar for the father. Now that everything is computerized, there isn't even the option of "penciling" it in, since the computer will just delete it anyway. Despite this, the NPR story was about a couple that combined their last names, and it seemed to work well for them.

 

There is also hyphenating. I personally don't like this but it seems to be a good compromise for lots of people.

 

My future mother in-law kept her maiden name when she got married, but got tired of all the hassles and eventually changed it when they bought their first house. I'm sure that in today's society it's not nearly the annoyance it probably was when she got married. But I'm glad that she did it that way, because it means that she's not going to be upset if I decide to keep my name, at least in some form.

 

My only piece of advice for your situation, is that just like you aren't defined by your husband, you also aren't defined by your sister. You have just as much right to your maiden name as she does. If your area is small enough that if you have the same last name people will know that you are sisters, they probably already know that you are sisters anyway. And if they judge you by this, they are morons.

 

I can also see his point about not wanting his wife to have the name of another man. It doesn't exactly symbolize starting fresh. Maybe you can focus with him on the fact that you don't think of it as your ex-husband's name as much as you and your son's. The two of you are already a family, and it's your family name. I'm not so sure this will fly, but it's an angle anyway.

[april]

To change or not to change... your last name, that is

 

apples....

 

I read and considered your post for quite awhile.

 

In YOUR partcular situation, I recommend keeping the surname that you have right now.

 

just my $0.02

[apples]

If you think about it long enough this whole topic can turn into a can of worms! I can absolutely see his point, but he should see mine too. For me, I feel like changing my name at this point in my life will only be disruptive. I think it would be more ridiculous for all of us to have different last names (me with my maiden name, my son with his father's name and my fiance with his last name) than it would be for me to just keep my name as it is. It just seems silly.

 

My fiance has raised my son like he was his own child since my son was three. He would love to adopt him and give him his name but I don't want to do that. While my ex-husband isn't very involved in our son's life I feel like that is his choice and it's something that he will have to live with and make amends for. He does live somewhat nearby, does occasionally call, and is alive and kicking, and for my son's sake I'm not going to pretend that his father doesn't exist or that he was a horrible mistake from my past that I wish to try to erase. What would that teach my son about where he came from? I think that by either asking my son to change his name, or by just changing it for him, then he is being put in a position of having to choose between his father and his (essentially) step dad and I don't think that's a fair thing to ask of him. His last name is his last name and he shouldn't have to feel pressured to show loyalty to one side or the other. I have worked very hard to keep our failed relationship about us and not about my son. My son can have any kind of relationship with his father that they work out and I'm not going to try to influence him differently.

 

But, I'm getting off topic...

 

I still see no reason why I should have to change my name, so I'm sticking to my guns! Out of respect to my fiance, I have already told him that if we do have more kids that they would have his last name. I mean, isn't this really what it's all about? Being sure there's someone to carry on the family name?

[Cecelius]

It's a gift; if my fiance didn't want to take it, I'd find someone who would. Second, I'd never even consider being married to a woman with some other dude's last name...

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I have one of the coolest last names ever! I am NOT changing mine! When I was with my ex he thought I was weird b/c i was unorthodox. White picket fence, 2 kids and your name the same as mine was his motto...! F U! Its your own personal preference. Don't change it b/c that's what society tells you that what should be done.

[New_Wife]

I knew a couple who had a similar dillema. They compromised, and hyphenated. He and she BOTH now carry the hyphenated name. She basically said "I'll take yours if you take mine"

[apples]

I can't do the hyphenated thing because I would never in a million years expect him to use my ex-husband's last name. That would leave me having to change my name back to my maiden name and then hyphenating that with his last name. Which takes me right back to where we started and me not wanting to have the name association with my sister. For those of you that think it's not a big deal it's just because you don't have anyone in your life who is and can be so disruptive to your world. Like I said, I own my own business and I've had situations that I've had to lie about whether or not I had any siblings because it was a person that knows my sister and I would have lost the deal otherwise.

 

Cecelius, you're basically saying exactly what he's saying, but that's what I don't understand. Why is it such a big deal? (I don't mean this in a confrontational way-I really don't understand why it matters.) For as long as he's known me this is the only last name I've ever had, so as far as he's concerned it's my last name. He didn't know me before my marriage and he didn't know me during my marriage so it's not like he has a bad association with the name. This is my legal name-it's on my diplomas, my drivers license, my business license, my taxes, my social security card, my car title, etc. As for it being a gift, how is it a gift?

[tanbark813]

The reasons you have for not changing your name regarding not being his possession and your current educational and career situations are understandable in general and would apply even if you still had your maiden name. It's having your ex-husband's name that I think is complicating things.

 

Personally, I would feel the same way as your fiance. To take your ex-husband's name but not his is probably pretty insulting and emasculating to him.

 

To put things in perspective, I think the role-reversal equivalent would be if, for example, he were previously married but got the engagement ring back from his ex and then gave it to you this time around.

[apples]

Oh, that is a good point! I never thought of it like that. Hmm. I'll have to think about that.

 

Okay, but that said, it doesn't change the negative impact my maiden name has on most people because of my sister. (Obviously he knows my sister and half the time he doesn't want to admit that I'm related to her either so I'm not just being overly dramatic.) I already told him that if he were to change his name to his father's name then I would change my name to that, so it's not that I'm unwilling to compromise, but he has to be willing to compromise with a solution that's fair to both of us. He has also made a name for himself with his "maiden" name and it would be just as disruptive to him to have to change all of his professional documentation just to make me happy.

 

If I were to go back to my maiden name and it negatively affected my business then that would be income that we lost as a family and we would be impacted financially. How does that make any sense? I think we need the money we're both making more than we need to soothe his pride. Isn't it enough of a compromise to promise that his children would have his last name?

[tanbark813]

I think all of these are rationalizations. Come on, if you changed your name, do you REALLY think it would affect your business? Unless your name is Trump I highly doubt it.

 

The fact that you're willing to change your name in general to his father's or your maiden name (aside from the issue concerning your sister), but not his current name specifically, makes me think that it's your pride that is the problem and not his. It seems like you're proud of your business (and rightfully so) and that you just want to inconvenience him as much as it would you.

[tanbark813]

Star Gazer, you make a good point (btw, I edited the end of my post slightly after a second thought). It basically depends on what she does for a living. I'll admit that if she's a doctor or lawyer, then it would affect her. However, if she owns a restaurant or retail outlet, chances are it would have no bearing. So the job issue depends on her particular career.

 

But the fact that she's willing to take his father's name--which would involve just as much inconvenience as if she took his name--but not his makes me think that the career thing is just a convenient justification.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by apples

My response is that I will change my name if he changes his name to his father's name. Why should I be the only one that has to change names?

 

This is not a good point. All the others are valid and I think it should be your decision, but it's not healthy to do things out of spite. You shouldn't start your marriage like that.

This may be your excuse to avoid marrying him. You are successful and financially independent and already have a child. It seems to me that you fear that the romance and your good life will end if you marry him. And your fear is justified in my opinion.

 

Perhaps you could add his last name to yours? Or use the current last name at work but a new one otherwise? In any case, I agree with you that changing your last name would be inconvenient. You could simply tell him "Sorry, darling, but I am keeping my name and let me explain to you my reasons. That is my decision and not a subject of discussion and negotiation."

 

P.S. I don't see why you're bothered with him carrying his mom's and not dad's name. What are you, a male chauvinist?

[Outcast]

Being sure there's someone to carry on the family name?

 

And if you have nothing but girls the name ends. It is JUST a stupid name.

 

To take your ex-husband's name but not his is probably pretty insulting and emasculating to him.

 

He hasn't much masculinity to lose if that's all it takes to 'emasculate' him IMHO.

[Thinkalot]

I havent changed my name. My husband would prefer i did, but after strong initial objections, came to accept my decision.

My reasons are because my name is very unique, I am in my 30s and very attached to it...my profession as a journalist means I am known by this name too.

So I had a few reasons I guess.

 

Having said that, I am usually referred to as Mrs xxx (husband's last name) by many people. That's OK by me. I keep working with my name which is the main thing.

And when we have kids, I have accepted the fact, that for convenience /family stuff I will probably go by that name. I suppose it's confusing using different names in different situations, but it suits me fine, and of course my husband loves it when i use his name.

 

like others have said, this should be personal choice. It should not be a decision dictated by the man i dont think.

[loony]

Originally posted by Cecelius

It's a gift; if my fiance didn't want to take it, I'd find someone who would. Second, I'd never even consider being married to a woman with some other dude's last name...

Ugh. I can imagine that you would also expect your fiancée to kiss your feet in order to show her gratefulness...

 

 

Originally posted by tanbark813

To put things in perspective, I think the role-reversal equivalent would be if, for example, he were previously married but got the engagement ring back from his ex and then gave it to you this time around.

It's not the same. The engagement ring was a symbol of his love for the other woman that's why giving it to his current fiancée would be quite tasteless.

 

It seems that guys have problems with the woman carrying another man's name because they think that by marrying she will turn into another man's possession symbolized by taking his name. It's like she was branded with some other dude's last name and now the future husband wants her to erase the name so he can sign his name on her butt with a hot iron.

 

Marriage is about two independent people joining their lives together, not about one person becoming another one's property. Taking over your husbands name is just a custom in your society, in other cultures women will keep their maiden name.

 

I think it would be nice if all family members had the same name but in Apple's case they won't in any way, whether she changes her name back or not.

 

Apple's, I wonder if your fiancé's insistence that you take his name is just a symptom of some underlying issues he has with your ex-husband. He just might be suffering from some antique male misbelief about the position of men and women in a marriage or he has problems with the relationship you have with your ex-husband.

[Woggle]

Why not see if he will take your name. In a logical level you are right for wanting to keep your own name but on a subconcious level many men feel like if a woman keeps her own name she is not fully commited to the marriage. This may be a very dumb idea but it is the same as men feeling emasculated if their wife is successful. Men's identiyy is very much tied to being the provider that takes care of a woman. Keeping your own name asserts a certain amount of independence that threatenes most men even on a subconcious level. Not defending this mentality but some men feel like if a woman is not dependent on them what purpose does he serve in her life. This may explain your fiancee's stance a little bit more. Not trying to justify it though.

[Outcast]

It's like she was branded with some other dude's last name and now the future husband wants her to erase the name so he can sign his name on her butt with a hot iron.

 

[Mz. Pixie]

I guess I'm lucky. I was in your situation as I just got married recently. My current husband asked me if I'd like to keep my exh's last name because of my two children. I'm also known professionally by that last name as I was married the first time for a long time.

 

I'm just kind of old fashioned about this- I believe unless the woman is a dr or a lawyer she should take her husband's last name. There is no way I'd be married to one man and carry another's last name- especially in my situation where that last name carries so many unpleasant memories. My husbands exwife hyphenated her name, which I thought was hilarious because- she was from another town and no one knew her here- and she definitely wasn't a dr or a lawyer. The first time I saw it written down like that- I said, "Was she a lawyer or something?"

 

To me, it was wonderful that he was considerate enough and selfless enough to ask me if I'd like to for the kids. If he would have pitched a fit about it I probably would have given in if I'd been objectionable about it- but I wasn't. To me, though, it speaks volumes that he would even offer.

 

I'd be less concerned about the name issue if I were you than why you guys are having such a huge unresolved conflict about this!

[rble618740]

I had been attorney for a few years when I got married. Changing my name meant that my firm had to order all new letterhead, business cards, etc. My e-mail address had to change and my clients had to be notified that my name had changed. However, changing my name was important to my husband. In my mind, if I had EVER really had my own name, I might have leaned more towards not changing my name. But...not to get anyone's ire up...I have never understood the position that a progressive, liberated woman shouldn't change her name. Anytime a woman considers whether to change her name, she's deciding between two men's names. Usually, the question is her dad's name or her husband's name. In this case her ex-husband or her new husband's name. If I'm going to have a man's name, which I am in ANY scenario, I'm going to have my husband's. That's just my two cents. I can, understand, the argument that changing your name is inconvenient if you've established yourself in a career. Just my two cents (and it's probably not even worth that).

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by loony

It's not the same. The engagement ring was a symbol of his love for the other woman that's why giving it to his current fiancée would be quite tasteless.

 

It can be argued that her taking her ex-husband's name is a symbol of her love for the other man and not taking her current fiance's name is quite tasteless.

 

Originally posted by loony

It seems that guys have problems with the woman carrying another man's name because they think that by marrying she will turn into another man's possession symbolized by taking his name. It's like she was branded with some other dude's last name and now the future husband wants her to erase the name so he can sign his name on her butt with a hot iron.

 

Come to think of it, an engagement ring is kind of like branding your fiancee as well. Shall we do away with those too?

 

The situation would be different if she still had her maiden name and didn't want to change that. All the "liberated woman" nonsense can be argued back and forth forever as well. But the bottom line is: She took her ex-husband's name but won't take her current fiance's name so it's going to look like her current fiance isn't as important as her previous husband.

 

In the OP's first post she said she had hesitation against getting married this time around. I don't think it's unreasonable to theorize that she had bad feelings and unresolved issues left over from the first marriage that led to resistance about taking another man's name.

 

In general I can understand the argument about women never taking a man's name, but I'm just speaking in the context of this poster. She was married, took another man's name, got divorced which led to hesitation about getting married again, and now taking another man's name would be a big inconvenience for her. The only thing is, it's not even the inconvenience that's really the problem because she admitted she'd take her fiance's father's name. Well what's the difference? The bottom line is that the core issue is that she wants to inconvenience her fiance just as much so that she doesn't lose the upper hand. And I'm guessing it's the bitterness from the first marriage that gives way to the fear of losing the upper hand.

 

Anyway, to the OP: Whatever you guys decide to do is obviously your call, but I think it would be unwise to just brush off your fiance's feelings on the issue as archaic and meaningless.

 

On a side note, what the hell do guys even get by getting married these days? It seems like the entire focus and benefit is on the woman.

[Merin]

When I got married I took my husbands name BUT I also kept my own..

When I had Little People, they were given BOTH last names.

 

When I got divorced I dropped my now EXH's last name, and my Kiddo's still have BOTH last names and always will until they are old enough to choose what they want.

 

I don't want to get married again, but I know my BF is happy that I do not have my EXH's last name still attached to me...

[New_Wife]

Okay, what if you were to phase his name in? Say you take his name & in the business world you hyphenate it for six months to a year, then drop the first part after that? It would give your clients/customers time to adjust. Besides, they would naturally ask about the name change, and you could share you joy with them. Or, and my mother (a realator) did this: you could take his name for all things personal, but operate under your prior name for business only.

 

Quite frankly, it sounds to me like this is not so much a name issue as a control issue. And it's one you'd be best served to get worked out before you get to a position of any changes - name or otherwise.

 

My husband would NOT have been amused if I'd kept his predecessor's moniker, and it never in a million years occured to me to do so. Marriage is a merging of lives. You identify to the world that you are a solid unit. Is the name really more important than that?

[loony]

Originally posted by tanbark813

It can be argued that her taking her ex-husband's name is a symbol of her love for the other man and not taking her current fiance's name is quite tasteless.

If I understood it right all she wanted was to escape her maiden name because she shared it with her sister. I'm not sure if taking her ex-husbands name was really such a declaration of lover for her or more a question of convenience.

 

Come to think of it, an engagement ring is kind of like branding your fiancee as well. Shall we do away with those too?

I've honestly never bothered as far to think about marriage or engagement, so I'm not really sure if an engagement ring would be really that important for me. Also where I live I don't think that people make such a fuss about their engagement rings.

 

I have always thought that engagement rings are a very nice way to "bribe" the woman so she will stay with you, not a form of branding.

 

But the bottom line is: She took her ex-husband's name but won't take her current fiance's name so it's going to look like her current fiance isn't as important as her previous husband.

It's the name of his mom which she doesn't like and who obviously doesn't like her either.

 

In the OP's first post she said she had hesitation against getting married this time around. I don't think it's unreasonable to theorize that she had bad feelings and unresolved issues left over from the first marriage that led to resistance about taking another man's name.

I'd think that both of them had issues.