To change or not to change... your last name, that is

[Outcast]

It can be argued that her taking her ex-husband's name is a symbol of her love for the other man and not taking her current fiance's name is quite tasteless.

 

It could be. Or it could just be that the first guy's name was preferable to her own maiden name and the second guy's isn't in terms of convenience, etc. The symbolism you attach to a name is all in your head. It's just a word. You might as well change your name to 'schoolhouse' or 'diaperpail', objectively speaking. So you can choose to make a huge deal of it or you can decide it's just a few insignificant syllables and move on to something of real concern.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Outcast

It could be. Or it could just be that the first guy's name was preferable to her own maiden name and the second guy's isn't in terms of convenience, etc. The symbolism you attach to a name is all in your head. It's just a word. You might as well change your name to 'schoolhouse' or 'diaperpail', objectively speaking. So you can choose to make a huge deal of it or you can decide it's just a few insignificant syllables and move on to something of real concern.

 

Yes you could. But if that were the OP's mindset it should follow that she wouldn't have the concern she expressed about the difficulty of spelling her fiance's last name.

[Debster]

Some men are traditional. My husband is - at least when it comes to his last name.

Taking his name was not negotiable.

 

I can see your argument:

You want the same name as your child.

 

However, IMO, the bit about your sister and your career are excuses, not valid reasons. Unless your sister was on the same level as Karla Homolka or something like that. I too have a career where I built a name for myself and had contacts that 'know' my name. You know what? It wasn't a big deal. Yes, changing my name was a hassle (all the paperwork!) but it meant a lot to my husband. And now, I love being a Mrs. The other thing, at least in Canada you can change your name legally to your husband's but still also go as your maiden name at times.

 

And I can see his arguments:

 

The way I see it, you changed your name before. Why aren't you changing it now?

Why do you want to keep the name of a man you divorced?

It is a slap in the face to be married to me and have some other man's name.

 

It's a tough decision - yes. But is it a dealbreaker?

[Outcast]

she wouldn't have the concern she expressed about the difficulty of spelling her fiance's last name.

 

Not at all. That makes my point that the fiance's last name is inconvenient.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Outcast

Not at all. That makes my point that the fiance's last name is inconvenient.

 

But doesn't that strike you as kind of a lame reason?

 

"Honey, I love you soooooo much. I want us to get married on top of a mountain and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And I will bear your children and we will live happily ever after. But your last name has too many letters. My hand is going to cramp up having to sign that all the time so we're gonna hafta shorten that shyt up if you want me to use it. K, thanks."

 

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by tanbark813

"Honey, I love you soooooo much. I want us to get married on top of a mountain and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And I will bear your children and we will live happily ever after. But your last name has too many letters. My hand is going to cramp up having to sign that all the time so we're gonna hafta shorten that shyt up if you want me to use it. K, thanks."

 

 

Trombones?

 

 

What is that, the wedding of the baby elephants?

 

Then again, it makes about as much sense as the arguments here. I think the OP just really isn't ready to marry this guy.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Trombones?

 

 

What is that, the wedding of the baby elephants?

 

It's an Anchorman reference.

[apples]

Pretty much everyone has posted legitimate things that I agree with. I'm not pretending that I'm some perfect person and I fully admit that for some of these things I am being a bit petty-I am only human. But, in my defense, I sometimes feel backed into a corner with regard to this issue. But, I think that everyone who has posted a response will agree that every time you come up with a possible solution it just creates another problem! Welcome to my world! I feel like there is no way to resolve this and have both of us be happy.

 

As for him changing his name to his father's, I said that in one of my petty moments. I wouldn't really want him to do that. He's very proud of his last name. Also, I wouldn't want him to have to explain to his mother why he's doing that. She and I have gotten to the point that we can be polite and civil to each other and I don't want to ruin that. (I don't want my next topic posted to be about why my mother in law hates me. Ha ha!)

 

One thing I would like to add, though, is that this isn't a major fight that we're having, we've only talked about it a couple of times and couldn't come to a resolution. I posted this because I was curious what people's opinions were that weren't directly involved in the situation. What's really funny is that everything that's been said he and I have already said.

 

I also want to say that for me this isn't a feminist issue. I don't hate men and I don't hate my ex-husband and I don't hate my fiance. This is really and truly all about me not seeing a legitimate reason why I should change my name. Like I said in my first post, I only changed my name the first time around because I was young and dumb and didn't realize that you didn't have to change your name. If I had to do it over again, I would not have changed my name. So, this isn't some creepy way of me trying to hold onto my ex-husband.

 

I realize that if he and I were to have kids then most people would just assume that I was "Mrs. Million Letter Name that No One can Pronounce", and that's fine. I just don't want to have to change my name legally. And of course all of the reaons that I've given for not wanting to change my name are excuses, but isn't every reason for doing or not doing something an excuse? But to me they are legitimate reasons. I'm the one that has to live with the results. His life won't change at all if I change my name, but mine will. Are some of my reasons more important than others? Sure. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how I feel.

 

What it boils down to is that I don't feel he has given me a real, true, legitimate reason for changing my name. I feel like I've given real, true, legitimate reasons for not wanting to change my name.

[Thinkalot]

I just want to say I sympathise with your position. Before we married...before we were even engaged for that matter, my husband and I had many discussions/arguments on this matter. We both felt strongly about it...him about me takingon his name, me about keeping mine. It seemed so hard to find a compromise.

 

In the end of course, he came simply to accept my decision, and I also agreed that the kids would have his name, and while not hyphenating my name, i am in the process of changing my name to include his name...as a sort of second middle name i guess. That way I can choose which name i use...they are both legally mine then...and i will also have the same name as the future kids. We have decided to incldue my surname as a second middle name for the kids also....it has a strong heritage and i want them to know that. I am an only child...i dont want it to end with me.

 

so we found a compromise of sorts. good luck- perhaps you can too.

[Cecelius]

Apples, I actually see your point, but then again I personally believe that marriage should have no legal effect on the parties. If its an ultra-modern world full of independent people, then I see no reason why there should be any legal requirement that either answer for the financial obligations of the other, etc.

 

Ultimately, as I pointed out and as Tanbark has discussed, I would not consent to marry someone who was going to be known as "Mrs. [The last guy]". Moreover, I think as noted above that the fact that you would change it for the first guy, but not this one, is a line in the sand.

[Outcast]

Ultimately, as I pointed out and as Tanbark has discussed, I would not consent to marry someone who was going to be known as "Mrs. [The last guy]". Moreover, I think as noted above that the fact that you would change it for the first guy, but not this one, is a line in the sand

 

Good thing she's not marrying you, then, isn't it? I wouldn't be interested in someone who would make such a big deal of insisting someone take his name. Sounds a tad controlling to me - and insecure. Mr. Last Guy's name is just a collection of syllables, after all.

 

Isn't it possible to have one legal name but use another in regular discourse? The name on my property is not the name I go by but it is the name on my birth certificate.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by Outcast

Good thing she's not marrying you, then, isn't it? I wouldn't be interested in someone who would make such a big deal of insisting someone take his name. Sounds a tad controlling to me - and insecure. Mr. Last Guy's name is just a collection of syllables, after all.

 

Isn't it possible to have one legal name but use another in regular discourse? The name on my property is not the name I go by but it is the name on my birth certificate.

 

Wanting something and having it be part of the deal you're willing to accept is not controlling; it's really just a question of how dopey you're being about it. I see this as a compatability issue first, and second one of modern life bumping into tradition. I got no problem with her (my hypothetical "her") not taking my name; but in that case, I just don't see myself lining up with all the power of law to answer for her debts, own property jointly by presumption, spousal support in case of divorce, etc. If its a new, modern, egalatarian world, then there's no need for marriage at all, so just side-step the issue.

[Outcast]

That's just what I mean - making far too big a deal out of it.

[Cecelius]

When I said "dopey" I meant is the man who believes she should take his name being whiny or angry and oppressive about it. My differentiation was she doesn't have to take the name, and I'm not going to force it, but I also don't have to marry her.

 

Lastly, in this case I think the best reason is that it is another dude's name. I was previously married, and I have complete sympathy with my g/f if she doesn't want to be "Mrs. Me Number II"

[SurpriseSurprise]

Many people bring diffent reasons to comply with tradition or to do something new. We are just beginning to mix things up in surnaming in marrage.

 

Create a single name that is a composit of both

keep your old name and work new name at home

or he can take your name

 

Woman are taking on more leadership positions and getting married later in life. This is a good reason to not replace her name. It is getting so that men are staying home and raising the children and being the homemaker. It is about being one. In this case it would be a vote of support to her if he took her name with the confidence that she will make them both honored to share that name.

 

For the traditionalists no worries. Most woman would not want to have there husbands take her name. In fact I believe 80 percent still take there husbands name.

The difference is the offset of female collage grades over male is about a 60/40 split. Woman are getting more degrees

 

The instersting part in this format is woman as much as men don't feel comfortable with this format.

[Tamrick]

I have a title so its a bit more complicated changing my name, but it also will have its advantages, so I will remain Dr .... and become Mrs someone else when I get married. For me changing my name is part of the "two become one" thing in marriage and my committment to my husband. I don't want a double barrelled name - its much too awkward - I knew someone whose surname was De La Hay Du Ponsel and another called Van Oordshoorn van Heerden. Poor children!

[LexiB]

I knew someone whose surname was De La Hay Du Ponsel and another called Van Oordshoorn van Heerden. Poor children!

 

 

 

how long did it take them make it past kindergarten? Very exceptional 5 year olds if they cld spell that!

[wx3]

If a woman is that independant and would not like to take her husband's last name, then most likely you would be aware of her stubborness/will to do things on her own. Aside from that, I would hope my wife would take my last name

[ladyinwaiting]

My husband-to-be and I have discussed this question at much length. It's not an easy one! I have no particular moral objection to taking my husband's name as I'm not biologically connected to it (I guess I might think differently if I was), but I will have real practical problems changing names at the moment. I work in a field were reputation is everything, and I can't figure how I could possibly change my name and still bank on my past record, especially as my first name and my husband's last name are about as popular as you get. This causes some angst in the relationship, 'cause the Man clearly thinks that I'm putting my career above my devotion to him - and I can't deny that, in this respect, I am!

 

That said, I'm happily going to refer to myself as "Ms [hubby's name]" in all our personal dealings once we're married. Banks, bills, telephone book, all that can be in his name. But much as I love him, changing my professional name is financial suicide - and given money worries are a major cause of marital disharmony, I think it's only sensible that he compromise on this!

[KatieMae]

DONT DO THE HYPHENATED NAME THING!!! I have to do that for the rest of my life, it totally sucks when your trying to explain to some moron at a bank or car lot that you have two last names. By law, my real last name is the name that is very last (the one that comes after the hyphen) so thats the one thats on all my legal papers but my entire life i have gone by the first last name. Its all very confusing, i suggest u stick with the name u got now, why not? I mean, is your last name going to make or break your marriage?

[Tangerina]

Hmmmm.... I kind of like what John and Yoko did.... John Ono Lennon and Yoko Lennon Ono... I like it best without the hyphen cuz you can just go with the last one... I want to keep my last name, but I think it would also be nice to have my husband's name, and it would be doubly wonderful if he wanted my name as well.... naming kids gets a bit trickier, but I will be nice and not give them a name that wont fit on a check...

[lilmoma1973]

Interesting post my h has his mom's maiden name so if i ever split with my h i guess i wouldn't change my name so my daughter and i would have the same name !!You do what you feel you should no one can tell you what to do on this guess go with your gut instinct!! Good luck:D

[tinktronik]

Ok ,it sounds like there are some probs going into this???

I too have my ex-H last name but have been involved with someone else for a long time. If we married I would maybe like to keep my ex-H name b/c I have 3 sons wth whom I share the same last name .It makes things easier reguarding their schooling and thru my ex-H insurance that my boys have.Whenever we have to deal with things together, people assume were still married reguarding my children and it makes things easier.I would also imagine it makes logical sense to my children that I have the same name as them too.There is also the added perk that my ex and his wife have to adress me in letters and such by the same last name. :p But seriously it makes things mch easier ,at school there are 2 Ms. ...... 3 ___-____-____ sons and a MR. ____ .Plus my ex-H has a new son w/ his wife that shares the same last name also, it keeps everybody feeling like part of the same family , and we will always be a family (reguardless of divorce) b/c we had children together. My s/o says this sounds like a logical argument to him and would have no problem with me keeping my ex-H last name if we married.So good luck to you I think your perfectly valid in wanting to keep the name.

[Judas Christian]

The last name issue can get messy because we all have different views and traditions regarding it. However, the one thing I do see here is that you are carrying around the last name of an ex-husband. Under no circumstances whatsoever would I marry a woman who insisted on keeping her ex' last name. I personally feel it's a slap to your SO's face, but I can't speak for him. True enough, celebrities have a tendency to maintain their original names for the sake of fame and popular identity - but the line surely should be drawn at maintaining a last name received from a previous marriage. I don't know, I suppose we just all have different points of view, but that's the real problem I see. Maiden name vs. current husband's name, that's an argument that is a bit more reasonable. Having your ex' name though, wow. I couldn't bear it, maybe he will.

[Outcast]

I couldn't bear it,

 

It's just a name, for pity's sakes. An abstract entity. It's not as if she's got it tattooed to her face that you have to look at it every day!

 

If a woman is that independant and would not like to take her husband's last name, then most likely you would be aware of her stubborness/will to do things on her own

 

And god forbid a female should have her own will and ideas It's the whole desire for submission on the part of men who think this way which gives me the creeps.