How can someone just leave everything?

[Kisar]

Hello, I posted before about my extreme sadness over the my husbands cheating, and leaving his daughter, unborn child and I. Well, thank God I have managed to make it through the weeks without dying. I still have very bad days and suicidal thought some nights when I am lying in my bed alone, but I really feel like I can get through it.

 

I guess I am passing through the stages of grievance. The racing thought that continue to go through my mind is, How can someone just up an leave like that? How can I not feel insecure? I never thought that my husband would leave me. I never thought that he would not communicate with his daughter anymore. What kind of person does that? Is the other woman that much more important that our children, our home, our life together? He calls and acts so non chalant about things.

 

I have learned to do the same although I am dying inside. Unfortunately we do need to communicate on some level for financial reasons, but I am pretty sure the way that he's acting one day that will soon stop. I have just prepared to call myself a single parent. But how do you continue to be strong when someone has stripped you completely of all your self worth.

 

Tomorrow I have a prenatal appointment and I am going alone (makes me sad). He says that he does not call to communicate with his daughter because he has to go through me and that he would rather not do that. So I have a six year old who is cognitively advanced (more like a 12 yr old) who is depressed and has told me that she is just going to try to forget about her dad because he has not come back to live with us.

 

I need help on moving on. I miss everything feeling him in my bed, sex, knowing a man is in my home, knowing he is my children's father etc...the other day he told me that he thought that I was having an abortion and that the new baby is my "issue", he will only focus on our 6 year old. How do I move on hearing these things and knowing that someone completely does not love me? I will file for a separation in the next week or so...I do not know the proper avenues to do so. I would like to get a divorce at this point but I am scared to start all of this because I am secretly hoping that he will come back to me and love me. I know I am sick Just need some help.

[beverly]

i can relate a little to what you are saying my ex left me 4june and like you i missed every thing about him i even got up one night and put his dressing gown on ,

 

but unlike your husband mine left because of a emontional affair with my best friend and neighbour they say they didnt start having a relationship untill 2 wks after he left , he changed so much in those weeks leading up to when he left and up untill a coupe of weeks ago ,

 

he would do anything to avoid contacting me because i allways cried and argued with him when i found out that they were having a relationship i cut all ties with them and only contact was to arange the vists with the children and money issues , we eventually could talk to each other without arguing then she fell out with him ,

 

and yes he phoned to speak to the children when he was speaking to my 11yr old daughter he broke down and i spoke to him he was in a state , i said i would meet him and that is what i did he was in a state having chest pains ,

 

when i went home i said he could pop down for a coffee if he wanted , he came down but by now he was that bad he needed help to get to my house and the person who helped him called the paramedic but he wantedto speak to said girl friend i let her into my house so she could be with him (it was a panic attack brought on by stress) but we didnt know this at the time , she called relationship of the next day and i let him come into my house to spend time talking and being with our children he even had a conversation with my eldest (she isnt his)

 

but all the stress got to me by the wed night 4days gf started texting again and by the fri i couldnt cope i went of in my car and tried to kill my self but he spent time to find me and saved me but by the time i got home from hosp he couldnt speak to me and texted me that i had pushed him back into a relationship with gf ,

 

that was 2 wks ago we still dont talk we now pass notes to arrange when he has the kids , i managed a conversation this morning but it didnt get anywhere ,

 

i have started divorce percidings and intend not to have him back ever i will go and talk to him when and if he needs to but i understand that there is no turning back ,

 

please get help dont suffer on your own suicidal thoughts dont go away when u r low talk to ppl or get on here andtelleveryone why you are low ,

 

i also use a chat room which has been great help to me ,

 

i wish you all best for your daughter and your unborn child and your self,

 

it does get better

[dgiirl]

Kisar, let me first tell you I'm so sorry for your pain. I am very familiar with the pain myself when my husband left me in feb. The best advice I can offer you is time will heal you! Trust me on that one. It took me a lot of tears and yelling and anger sitting on the bathroom floor praying to god to give me the strength to get through this heartache, and he made it possible. Day after day i put one foot in front of the other. You can get through this!

 

Second, make sure you are financially secure. See a lawyer for an initial consultation and make sure you protect yourself. Right now, your husband doesnt care about anyone but himself. You need to make sure your assets are safe and that he doesnt create any debts that you'll be responsible for. See a lawyer to make sure you know your rights. The first thing I did was to take my savings out of our joint bank account and put it in a new account with only my name on it. He also left the home, so I quickly changed the locks. You are not legally allowed to do that, but I wanted to make sure I was safe. My safety is above all else the most important. I also made sure I didnt do anything stupid like spend or break any of his assets. I just wanted to protect what I had access to.

 

Third, seek out a support group. If you can afford it, go to therapy. I imagine being pregnant alone is a lot of stress, let alone being pregnant and facing a divorce/separation. You need help to protect this baby and handle your own emotions.

 

Fourth, read up on marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com to understand a little of the mind set your husband is going through. Believe nothing he says and half of what he does. He's not in a good emotion state of mind right now, and you need to keep a clear head (as much as that's possible).

 

For your kids sake, take good care of yourself.

[Kisar]

Your words are so helpful and I am happy to see that someone has come through it!

[dgiirl]

I'm still struggling. I take each day at a time. But I do feel a lot better than d-day If you need anyone to chat to, feel free to pm me or rant here. You'll see many posts by me too lol Stay strong, have faith in yourself, you will come through this a much stronger, wiser person. Someone your kids will look up too.

[Jayhawks]

What a PIG!!

 

He is a spineless weasel and the reason he doesn't want to talk to his daughter is because of his guilt at abandoning her. To tell you to abort your and his child is beyond contempt. He is totally thinking of HIM and to distance himself from his family makes it easier on HIM.

HE has not forgot about you or his family. He just chooses to behave this way. HE must be in dream land if he believes that he is not responsible for his unborn child. Get a good lawyer when you file and make sure of all your rights.

 

How sad for you that you have to endure such treatment from someone you loved. All I can tell you is that there are men out there who take responsibility for their family wither divorced or not. I would find support groups that help mothers in your situation and they can help you grieve and become strong again.

 

Us on LS feel your pain and loss and don't hesitate to use us as a support group. There are many people here who have gone through what you are now and they can be a great strength to you. Keep us updated on your situation.

 

We will listen.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Kisar

I miss everything feeling him in my bed, sex, knowing a man is in my home, knowing he is my children's father etc...

 

Do you miss him holding you and kissing you and telling you how much he loves you? Showing his love in many ways? Doing little things for you? Helping you when you need help? Consoling you when you're down? Encouraging you when you feel insecure? Being a great father to your daughter? Taking care of her, kissing her, and loving her up? Worrying about your problems? Feeling sorry for you when you vent? Having patience with you? Respecting you?...

 

Or do you just miss the sex and the empty knowledge that he is some male in your life masquerading as a husband and father?

Think about what you really miss and who you really love: him or the idea of what he should be?

 

I was in a similar situation. The ex-husband left me with two small kids, no job, no friends... I was in love, I suffered and humiliated myself.

 

But I stood up on my feet again and I am happier than ever and definitely happier than I ever was with him.

 

The pain just fades away sooner or later. It took me a couple years actually. Now I Can't believe I ever loved him. I laugh at myself for that. I am in love with another man, my kids love him and he loves them too and everything is great (so far).

 

As I always say, the divorce turned out to be the 2nd best thing in my life. Cheer up! Things will be great much sooner than you expect. And some day you'll meet Mr. Right and be happy again.