H had an A with someone because of her personality!

[Just wanna B me]

My husband recently had an affair but we are trying to work on our marriage. It was a drunken one night stand with a co-worker. He has been working with her for about 5 years so I knew her from company family parties, picnics, things like that.

Even though our marriage wasn't the greatest (because of his drinking problems) I never thought he would cave into this woman's advancements and have an affair.

He has told me he thought she had a neat personality, very outgoing. She has the personality of the Hostess's on Extreme Dating (if you have ever seen that). She is very out there and says whatever is on her mind.

 

My husband and I are total opposites. He is outgoing, was popular in high school because he was a big jock. He dated only cheerleaders in HS and college.

 

As for me, I am kind of shy. I was not in sports in high school, in fact I hated sports. I didn't like cheerleaders, thought they were stuck up. I was basically a Tom Boy when I was growing up. I didn't dress or look like a Tom Boy though, I was just interested in things that guys liked. I had more guy friends than female friends. I was/am attractive and was always getting hit on and asked out on dates, and to this day I still get hit on, until they I tell them I am married.

 

The woman he had the affair with isn't very attractive, she isn't ugly, but she isn't as attractive as me and even my husband told me she wasn't, but he liked her personality, that is what he was drawn to. The ex OW wasn't a cheerleader, but she was a jock who was in softball and track.

 

Anyhow, I could never really figure out what he seen in this woman until H and I were watching Extreme Dating awhile ago. He told me that he liked the Hostess's personality. She was outgoing, and just out there and said whatever she felt. Well, that is EXACTLY how the woman he had the A w/ is.

 

I refuse to change my personality and act like someone I am not for him to be attracted to me. If he doesn't like that I am not outgoing, and that is what he finds attractive, then he needs to find someone else who has that personality. He knew I wasn't outgoing when he married me so if he isn't happy with my personality then he needs to find someone else who has the personality he is attracted to. By the way, we have been married 15 years.

 

To any betrayed wives out there.....did your husband have an affair because of the other woman's personality, b/c it was different than yours?

[harleygirl92156]

Yep, same story as yours only mine had a one year affair with the OW. I am a professional, always took care of my looks, dress well and am a faithful loving wife who takes care of her family. Been married 12 years to alcoholic who recently got sober. I do not drink!

 

The woman he cheated with is ugly, coke bottle lens glasses, buggy eyes, lawn mower hair cut, but she was nice to him he says. OH, AND SHE IS AN DRUNKIN' BAR FLY WHORE. She would go drinking with him and I refused. He would get in bar fights and she would just haul him to another bar, she assured him it was ok for him to drink and I was being out of line.

 

It had nothing to do with her looks, I have her in the looks department hands down. What it has to do with is his ego, he wanted to drink and she said it was ok so he ask her to have and affair and she, being the kind of woman she was, had no problem sleeping with a married man for a year. She told me he broke it off with her, just kept making excuses that he couldn't get together with her because he was too busy. He says he felt guilty (no sh_t) but he didn't know how to end it so he avoided her.

 

It doesn't matter what the other woman looks like, they are cheating because they are looking for something they don't get from us. It is selfish, self centered and done strictly to stroke their ego. I wouldn't worry nearly as much about a one night stand that he confessed to as my situation. It went on for a year and there was no confession, a situation put it right out there and he had no choice but to tell the truth. He never confessed and won't talk about it at all. I have talked to the other woman and she is the one who told me what happened and he has confirmed what she has told me is true, but he won't tell me anything on his own.

 

Now he wants to save the marriage??

[StillHurtin]

Just, sorry about the A between your H and his co-worker. My H didn't have a one night stand. His A lasted for several months, however I really don't know when the emotional A started, that could of been years and I had no clue. We were seperated when I found out about the A. We were going to D but of course he realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side w/ the OW.

As for your ?, yes my H's exOW had a very outgoing personality, kind of like the hostess on Extreme Dating (I can't think of her name). I have seen that show a few times but b4 that I seen the same woman doing the weather while we were in CA and my H even commented on how she had a fun personality.

Is your H and the OW still working together? My H and the exOW worked together for several months after the A ended. I hated it! Every morning when I got up and thought he was working w/ her made me sick. TG she got him fired from his job (long story).

 

When I met the exOW I thought she was pretty funny, seemed nice, but she was annoying! She had to be the center of attention throughout the whole night. She always had to be the one talking, no one could get a word in edge wise.

 

After she left I told H I thought she seemed pretty nice. H said he didn't like her, said she always had to be the center of attention. Must of been hiding the fact that he was attracted to her. That was 3 years b4 their A.

 

Harleygirl, LMBO!!! I haven't heard that Bar Fly Whore saying in a long time.

 

My exBF's W (their D now) was called a Bar Fly Whore from one of his friends. I guess that is how they met, in the bar. She didn't change after they got M. She was still acting like a Bar Fly Whore so he D her.

[elijahBailey]

you're analysing too much and reading too deep into things. All that he said about the personality thing is just a load of crap to me. A man does not have to like a woman to sleep with her. We are able to compartmentalize.

[exoticdesi]

I seem to agree somewhat with EB. I have read almost all postings here, and can say that in a situation like yours where the relationship is more than 15 years, it is more of personal unhappiness than anything wrong in the spouse. He would not have been with you all this years if he didn't like your personality. And he may still love you for all it matters, it is just that the "need for change" or thrill/excitement in having another W, may have gotten better of him. My W of 12 years had a 2 month A, and gave the same reason of getting attracted to the OM personality, of how much common interest and hobbies they had. After two months, I told her to re-evaluate her statement and make a list of things that were common. Turns out the only two common things they had was a taste in music and coffee. Rest of it she had told earlier was just things her mind made up like they were both passionate, they both liked fun. I had those two qualities too, but at that point of time when she was having A, she didn't see it in me. In reality, she and OM were world apart. The fact I have concluded in my experience is that it was not the qualities of the OM which led her to A, as much as her disintrest in me. she had become "personally unhappy" and was seeking happiness elsewhere. I am not justifying that what our H did was/is acceptable, but I won't put too much importance to the crap of having similar personalities and stuff.

 

Instead, what matters is what is his attitude now? Has he given up the A? Has he gone NC with her? Is he genuinely repenting (again, this also does not come very quickly) for his actions? One thing you have to make it clear to him is he cannot have his cake and eat it too. If he accepts his mistake and wants to live with you, are you ready to forgive?

 

I wish you good luck

[Outcast]

People don't cheat to get sex. They cheat to get appreciated.