Had Affair, Was getting Divorce, NOW

[confusedcr]

Approximately 3 years ago, I started a relationship with a married man and we quickly fell in "love". He left his short marriage, of less than two years, a few months after we were together. He indicated that his marriage occurred not because of love, but because of a both individuals wanting a life partner. However, he indicated that they were not compatible and even if we had not met he wanted to leave.

 

Shortly, after being together I learned that he has had multiple failed marriages. Five to be exact. This completely surprised me. But I saw something special in him that made me continue on.

 

I remained married and had been looking for the right moment to leave. I was diagnosed with a serious illness a few months ago and that really urged me to put life in perspective. I made the decision to leave. I haven't told my husband about the affair. But we both know we no longer make each other happy.

 

My affair partner became very distant during the week after my surgery. I tried to reach him by text and phone and there was an awkwardness to our interactions. I received news from the doctor and he wasn't there for me when I felt I need him. When I asked him about he said that he was going through some issues and didn't elaborate.

 

I ended up hiring a PI and found that during that timeframe and a few weeks after he went out several times to really nice restaurants. On one night he was at a hotel. I confronted him about and he indicated that he took a "friend" to the hotel and had conversation with them. He didn't bring them to his house because he lives with others that know about me and didn't want to start confusion.

 

When I pressed him more about it he indicated that he was trying to decide if he wanted to be in a committed relationship again or just date. He incubated that he had decided that he wanted to continue with him and I.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later, I had surgery again. He brought me to his house to recover for almost two weeks. When I was headed back home we got into a conversation in which he disclosed to me that he's attended swinger lifestyle parties in his past relationships and that he enjoys the atmosphere. He indicated that we didn't have to involve others in our sex life. But that he really fulfilled by being in the atmosphere and that he needs that.

 

So......now I am wondering who is this person. I feel like he should have disclosed this along time ago and do I even know who he is. There is so much I love about him and how he treats me. But how he's treated me over the last few weeks have been nothing like the last few years.

 

I asked him if he wants to be done with us....he keeps telling me know. When I kept asking him questions about the restaurant and the hotel he said he didn't want to be stressed and accused of anything so maybe we should be done. I told him okay. Packed my stuff to leave his house and then he stopped me.

 

I'm hurt, confused, don't want to miss out on the love of my life. But, I also can't afford to make a big relationship mistake especially right now as I am in the midst of a serious illness.

 

Should I believe that he would be content with just watching.....am I stupid to believe that he went to the hotel and only had drinks, smoked and talked overnight.

 

I do know that since I confronted him about the hotel the PI has not tracked him to any suspicious places.

 

He also won't tell me who the woman was that he spent time with. I do know where she lives because of the gps.

 

Where do I go from here.....

[smackie9]

LEAVE! continue going out the door! This guy is a serial liar/cheater. Now that he knows you are suspicious, he's gonna be extra careful, and spruce up his lies even more. How much more sense can I knock into you. This guy is trouble.

[somanymistakes]

If you are looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, this guy does not sound like a good bet for you.

 

If it were JUST the swinger parties or JUST the previous relationships or JUST the suspicious outing with the friend, that would be one thing, but it's one thing after another here.

 

He sounds like he's seriously addicted to the appeal of New Sex.

 

Obviously I don't know him or you but based on the evidence I would guess if you got together he would quickly be chasing someone new.

[confusedcr]

LEAVE! continue going out the door! This guy is a serial liar/cheater. Now that he knows you are suspicious, he's gonna be extra careful, and spruce up his lies even more. How much more sense can I knock into you. This guy is trouble.

 

You are right Smackie9....I need that sense knocked into me. I'm not sure if it is the cancer I'm dealing with that has my esteem a little lower and trying to hold on to something in my head that makes no sense or what!

[confusedcr]

If you are looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, this guy does not sound like a good bet for you.

 

If it were JUST the swinger parties or JUST the previous relationships or JUST the suspicious outing with the friend, that would be one thing, but it's one thing after another here.

 

He sounds like he's seriously addicted to the appeal of New Sex.

 

Obviously I don't know him or you but based on the evidence I would guess if you got together he would quickly be chasing someone new.

 

 

Chasing someone new is my fear. I'm afraid that his enjoyment of these parties is just the need for new sex and that I wouldn't be able to satisfy him. Hell, I'm not able to do it now because he wants to attend the parties now under the auspice of not doing anything.....just watching. He is about 20 years older than me and I thought there would be a level of maturity there for a relationship....but his pattern is to be with women 20-30 years younger than him and your though about new sex is probably what it is....

[BaileyB]

First things first, I'm sorry about your illness and wish you a speedy recovery from the surgery.

 

That said, it would seem that you trusted someone who should not have been trusted. You didn't really take the time you needed to get to know who he really is... and now that you know more, I think you are beginning to realize that there is a good reason why he has had five failed marriages.

 

You need to leave this relationship and focus on your own health and wellbeing. Best wishes.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that you have cancer, hope you're doing okay... Your health right now is the most important thing in your life, this guy is only bringing you pain and drama. He's not being honest with you and it seems what you're looking for from him, you'll never get. He isn't that guy. He's been married 5 times, (BIG red flag there) and seems to not want to commit only to you.

[Doublegold]

Sending you all positive thoughts for healing. This health battle is your number one concern right now and while he has helped you for the two weeks after your surgery his behavior is causing emotional turmoil which is not what your healing body needs.

 

The Swinging lifestyle is for many just that--a lifestyle. Not much chance of that changing at this point in his life.

 

You deserve better, you deserve honesty, you deserve peace.

 

Take Care.

[Marc878]

Sorry but cheaters cheat.

[anika99]

Five failed marriages, cheated his way out of at least one marriage, likes the swinging lifestyle. There is no way in hell that this guy is going to stay monogamous. If you aren't open to sharing him with many other women then you need to get out of this now. I would also recommend being tested for STDs.

[Bufo]

Wow. He sounds like a real prize.

 

He is truthful with you only on his own terms and at times of his chosing. Some call that Trickle Truth.

 

Did he ever give you N explanation for 5 previous marriages? Did he ever mention any A's in addition to the 5 marriges that bit the dust?

 

I don't even want to discuss your post surgical treatment lets just say his

Bedside manner isn't taught at reputable medical schools.

 

Are you better off with or without him?

 

If you've read a fair share of posts, you'll note that responses often split into two camps. One is the "leave" camp and the other is the "try to recognize ncile

Camp". Here however there is a dearth of those suggesting try to reconcile

That should also provide a clue.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

 

 

 

Where do I go from here.....

 

you run, to the nearest exit.

[road]

Sorry but cheaters cheat.

 

Hence the old saying: If they will cheat with you they

will cheat on you.

 

A young man already divorced five times. Run Forest Run.

And cheat no more.

[confusedcr]

He's not really young. He is 60 and I'm 38. But, I get your point!!

[confusedcr]

Approximately 3 years ago, I started a relationship with a married man and we quickly fell in "love". He left his short marriage, of less than two years, a few months after we were together. He indicated that his marriage occurred not because of love, but because of a both individuals wanting a life partner. However, he indicated that they were not compatible and even if we had not met he wanted to leave.

 

Shortly, after being together I learned that he has had multiple failed marriages. Five to be exact. This completely surprised me. But I saw something special in him that made me continue on.

 

I remained married and had been looking for the right moment to leave. I was diagnosed with a serious illness a few months ago and that really urged me to put life in perspective. I made the decision to leave. I haven't told my husband about the affair. But we both know we no longer make each other happy.

 

My affair partner became very distant during the week after my surgery. I tried to reach him by text and phone and there was an awkwardness to our interactions. I received news from the doctor and he wasn't there for me when I felt I need him. When I asked him about he said that he was going through some issues and didn't elaborate.

 

I ended up hiring a PI and found that during that timeframe and a few weeks after he went out several times to really nice restaurants. On one night he was at a hotel. I confronted him about and he indicated that he took a "friend" to the hotel and had conversation with them. He didn't bring them to his house because he lives with others that know about me and didn't want to start confusion.

 

When I pressed him more about it he indicated that he was trying to decide if he wanted to be in a committed relationship again or just date. He incubated that he had decided that he wanted to continue with him and I.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later, I had surgery again. He brought me to his house to recover for almost two weeks. When I was headed back home we got into a conversation in which he disclosed to me that he's attended swinger lifestyle parties in his past relationships and that he enjoys the atmosphere. He indicated that we didn't have to involve others in our sex life. But that he really fulfilled by being in the atmosphere and that he needs that.

 

So......now I am wondering who is this person. I feel like he should have disclosed this along time ago and do I even know who he is. There is so much I love about him and how he treats me. But how he's treated me over the last few weeks have been nothing like the last few years.

 

I asked him if he wants to be done with us....he keeps telling me know. When I kept asking him questions about the restaurant and the hotel he said he didn't want to be stressed and accused of anything so maybe we should be done. I told him okay. Packed my stuff to leave his house and then he stopped me.

 

I'm hurt, confused, don't want to miss out on the love of my life. But, I also can't afford to make a big relationship mistake especially right now as I am in the midst of a serious illness.

 

Should I believe that he would be content with just watching.....am I stupid to believe that he went to the hotel and only had drinks, smoked and talked overnight.

 

I do know that since I confronted him about the hotel the PI has not tracked him to any suspicious places.

 

He also won't tell me who the woman was that he spent time with. I do know where she lives because of the gps.

 

Where do I go from here.....

 

 

UPDATE: Today he tried to send me a pic from his phone and he accidentally sent another picture in addition to the one he intended to send me. This one was of a young one 20 years old that use to work for him. I asked him about it and he said oh it came from Facebook. I asked why would he have it in his phone and he said I have pictures of many former employees.....while I don't think that he's had a physical affair with this person; I do believe the photo was saved with unsavory thoughts....I have had enough!! We are supposed to be getting engaged and frankly I might just let him spend the money and leave him. Might as well leave with something of benefit....right?!?!?!

[MidnightBlue1980]

UPDATE: Today he tried to send me a pic from his phone and he accidentally sent another picture in addition to the one he intended to send me. This one was of a young one 20 years old that use to work for him. I asked him about it and he said oh it came from Facebook. I asked why would he have it in his phone and he said I have pictures of many former employees.....while I don't think that he's had a physical affair with this person; I do believe the photo was saved with unsavory thoughts....I have had enough!! We are supposed to be getting engaged and frankly I might just let him spend the money and leave him. Might as well leave with something of benefit....right?!?!?!

 

What do you want with someone 60? You are 38. In 10 years you will be 48 and he will be 70. I'm newly 45 and I could not imagine being with a 70 year old. This guy sounds like an exit affair for you. I'd move on, you have plenty of time to find a new and more appropriate guy.

[anika99]

spend what money? You mean money on an engagement ring? Acceptance of an engagement ring is a promise to marry. If you don't marry him you may be legally obligated to return the engagement ring to him. Why play silly games anyways. You would be crazy to marry this guy so just walk away with some dignity.

[confusedcr]

spend what money? You mean money on an engagement ring? Acceptance of an engagement ring is a promise to marry. If you don't marry him you may be legally obligated to return the engagement ring to him. Why play silly games anyways. You would be crazy to marry this guy so just walk away with some dignity.

 

 

You are right! And truly I am joking about that part of it. I would NOT marry this individual. He is not anyone I'd want a future with anymore. The reality is it takes the heart a moment to catch-up with the head:

[elaine567]

You made the mistake of thinking older man, secure and steady as a rock, but people rarely change as his five previous marriages have shown you.

YOU are only 38, ditch this untrustworthy old geezer...

[road]

UPDATE: Today he tried to send me a pic from his phone and he accidentally sent another picture in addition to the one he intended to send me. This one was of a young one 20 years old that use to work for him. I asked him about it and he said oh it came from Facebook. I asked why would he have it in his phone and he said I have pictures of many former employees.....while I don't think that he's had a physical affair with this person; I do believe the photo was saved with unsavory thoughts....I have had enough!! We are supposed to be getting engaged and frankly I might just let him spend the money and leave him. Might as well leave with something of benefit....right?!?!?!

 

You accept the ring to marry him not dump him and

get rich.

 

Or you think you are entitled to get PAID to be dated.

[JustJoe]

This is an easy one to answer. You need to leave this guy, AND you need to leave your marriage, too. This guy is a serial cheater......but what are you? You have no moral highground, either. In all of your posts you haven't mentioned your husband, family and what this affair has done to them. You are completely self-absorbed, and seem to have zero empathy for those you have betrayed. Get out of both relationships and get help.

[confusedcr]

This is an easy one to answer. You need to leave this guy, AND you need to leave your marriage, too. This guy is a serial cheater......but what are you? You have no moral highground, either. In all of your posts you haven't mentioned your husband, family and what this affair has done to them. You are completely self-absorbed, and seem to have zero empathy for those you have betrayed. Get out of both relationships and get help.

 

Well...I could see how you feel that way. I haven't mentioned my marriage because I made the decision to leave it. My husband also wanted out. He was no longer happy. AND, my affair began because of indescrecions of my husband. I was faithfully married to my husband for 14 years. Then he acted inappropriate in our marriage. I also experienced a significant amount of physical and verbal abuse in the marriage. To the degree that he broke his hand. I lost my grandparents that raised me and suffered from tremendous depression and felt that my husband was all I had so I stayed. Once I met this individual, I contemplated leaving many times but was hesitant because of he scetchy history. My husband does not know about the affair. He only knows that I'm leaving and he wants out to. My marriage was destroyed long before the affair. But because of my personal issues I chose to stay longer than I should have. My affair is wrong and the circumstances don't justify my actions. But hopefully that additional background helps.

[BluesPower]

Well...I could see how you feel that way. I haven't mentioned my marriage because I made the decision to leave it. My husband also wanted out. He was no longer happy. AND, my affair began because of indescrecions of my husband. I was faithfully married to my husband for 14 years. Then he acted inappropriate in our marriage. I also experienced a significant amount of physical and verbal abuse in the marriage. To the degree that he broke his hand. I lost my grandparents that raised me and suffered from tremendous depression and felt that my husband was all I had so I stayed. Once I met this individual, I contemplated leaving many times but was hesitant because of he scetchy history. My husband does not know about the affair. He only knows that I'm leaving and he wants out to. My marriage was destroyed long before the affair. But because of my personal issues I chose to stay longer than I should have. My affair is wrong and the circumstances don't justify my actions. But hopefully that additional background helps.

 

All of that is understandable...

 

As you move on, understand that no matter what, there is no way to justify having an affair. It is wrong no matter what is happening.

 

Don't be one of those people that convince themselves that what they did was ok because it is not.

 

I your next serious relationship, put cheating out of your mind as a way of coping with issues.

 

Not saying that you are doing this, but you have to be careful to keep your mind straight when you move on...

[confusedcr]

All of that is understandable...

 

As you move on, understand that no matter what, there is no way to justify having an affair. It is wrong no matter what is happening.

 

Don't be one of those people that convince themselves that what they did was ok because it is not.

 

I your next serious relationship, put cheating out of your mind as a way of coping with issues.

 

Not saying that you are doing this, but you have to be careful to keep your mind straight when you move on...

 

I completely agree with you. I would never say that having an affair is the right thing to do. And I do feel guilty for doing so because I violated my own moral compass in doing so. I never cheated on anyone prior to this and have no intentions on doing so again. I believe what you sow you reap and that is why I am in this situation today.

[DKT3]

Well...I could see how you feel that way. I haven't mentioned my marriage because I made the decision to leave it. My husband also wanted out. He was no longer happy. AND, my affair began because of indescrecions of my husband. I was faithfully married to my husband for 14 years. Then he acted inappropriate in our marriage. I also experienced a significant amount of physical and verbal abuse in the marriage. To the degree that he broke his hand. I lost my grandparents that raised me and suffered from tremendous depression and felt that my husband was all I had so I stayed. Once I met this individual, I contemplated leaving many times but was hesitant because of he scetchy history. My husband does not know about the affair. He only knows that I'm leaving and he wants out to. My marriage was destroyed long before the affair. But because of my personal issues I chose to stay longer than I should have. My affair is wrong and the circumstances don't justify my actions. But hopefully that additional background helps.

 

Well, honestly it doesn't help. Why? Because it's right out of the cheating wife handbook. It's on 99% of these threads. I was awesome my husband sucked.

 

Contrary to popular belief, affairs are very very rarely isolated incident, instead it's usually the Apex of the climb in contined selfish and self serving actions/decisions. Of course this is highly debated round here because so many refuse to fully accept the roll in not only their affair but also the crappy state of the marriage/relationship prior.

 

There is a fine line between setting the stage and controlling the narrative to gain sympathies or sway perceptions, in an effort to minimize ones own horrid behavior.

 

Even if all you say is 100% true, which honestly common sense says it's not, what exactly did your lovers wife do to you that you felt JUSTIFIED to insert yourself into her marriage. That ole there did this so that's why I did that, may offer short term relief but at some point to gain true growth you will have to come to terms with you did it, and it wasn't because of anything your husband did. It's because you wanted to.