Husband and his ex are each other's "back up plans"

[Rxwoman]

Hi,

I recently married my bf of 5 years. We're both middle aged so we both have exes. I'm still friends with my ex because we have kids, so when my now husband told me he was "platonic friends" with his ex I was ok with it. They dont have kids, but they both assured me their friendship was 100% platonic.

She also had a bf....at one time.

Here's my issue. I caught him, more than once, flirting with her by cell phone while I was out of town.

He has also complained about me to her and would contact her when ever he and I argued and text her that we were now "broke up".

It seemed to me like he was trying to keep her as a back up plan.

All this is over several years.

To her credit I never really saw anything that looked like she was flirting back ( and yes, I was checking his phone and occasionally emails).

That is until he announced on FB that we had set a date.

That's when she started inviting him to barbques and road trips (with her other single gal friend along) and texted that she missed him and was sad he was getting married. He also told me she tried to change his mind, however he now back pedals and says it wasnt her, it was her girlfriend who discouraged him from getting married.

This ex is supposed to be one of his best friends who is like a sister to him, yet she pretended to "omg..completely forgot you guys got married last week...congrats!" Even though it was all over FB.

He even admitted he didnt believe for one second that she forgot.

 

So here's my issue. Even though I havent seen any further flirting, and he now admits it was wrong and was cheating and lying, I still think

they BOTH were keeping each other as back up plans.

She was quite jealous of us getting married, but he doesnt see it! He still defends her as if she's some sort of angel! Somehow I end up being the one who is the bad guy even though I tried really hard to be friends with her.

Oh and the best part, I eves dropped on a phone call with her, apparently once she jumped into the pool naked in front of him while was he fixing some crap on her house.

He thinks it was harmless. I do not.

 

He cant seem to see my side or see her as being disrespectful and selfish. He thinks I'M the one who's being immature. It's makes me crazy!

Am I wrong to think she is jealous and might have been trying to sabotage our plans?

Am I being too nice and should I insist he cut her out?

Help me out here.

[lostgirl87]

You're being WAY too nice. There's no room for such close friends of the opposite sex when you're in a relationship and definitely not when married. What's worse is that this person is an ex! If you don't get her out of yalls lives now, I guarantee you that in a few months, you'll be back here writing about your new husband cheating. There's still plenty of time to keep that from happening but I'm almost positive that if this isn't nipped in the bud soon, it'll end up happening.

 

I'm sure your husband is a great man but at the end of the day, he's a man. We women know and understand other women. We can always tell when a b*tch is up to no good

 

I'd try and have a calm, loving conversation with him. Let him know why you feel uncomfortable and why you'd feel better if they put some distance between them. Ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed. Obviously you being on good terms with your ex is different b/c you 2 have kids but ask your husband how he'd feel if you were having conversations like that with an ex. If you gently speak with him and use a lot of "I feel" instead of "you need to do this and do it now", he'll hear you and be receptive to what you're saying.

 

Good luck!

[Rxwoman]

Thank you lost girl. That's what I told him. Us girls KNOW other girls. But he still defends her as if she is his sainted mother or something.

He tells me that the flirting is all on him, all his fault, and that he regrets it and has not done it anymore.

I believe him on that.

What continues to annoy and irk me is his denial of her motives or jealousy or her disrespect of our relationship by trying to lure him to outings and swimming naked in front of him.

He'll say, " she's not like that..she's nice. You'd like her if you gave her a chance. Stop being all jealous of her."

I did give her a HUGE chance.I tried to be friends with her and I trusted them to behave in my absence.

I feel I WAS the nice one and the ( too) trusting one.

And even after all that bs I havent insisted he no longer be friends with her.

But I'm still the bad guy for feeling betrayed and believing they were keeping each other as not quite platonic safety nets.

If I suggest that may have been going on, he blows up.

He refuses to consider that she might not be quite so "nice" as he claims or that she's capable of jealousy and that bothers the hell out of me!

[Rxwoman]

Oh, and let me add this. I'm certainly not envious of anything about this person as he suggests. She's not particularly anything to write home about.

I'm not concerned that she could steal him from me or anything like that. If he wanted to actually get back with her he would have.

But.. get a guy drunk enough and mistakes happen.

Of course I worry about that possibility!

 

Men ARE men.

 

Maybe I just want him to see what I'm seeing.

Does that make sense?

[whichwayisup]

She's not a friend of the marriage. A friend to him, yes but not to you and that spells trouble.

 

He probably doesn't want to end up with her, but he could put himself in a real dumb situation (spending one on one time with her, get drunk..... And we all know what can happen) causing some real pain and heartache for you.

 

It's one thing to be on good terms with your ex (due to the fact he is the father of your kids) vs an ex with no kids.

 

He needs to decide you or her. It really is that simple. She was upset that he was getting married, has tried to put a wedge between you two and for some reason he is putting her feelings above yours! Not a good choice for him as your husband.

[Rxwoman]

Thank you Whichwayisup!

That is dead on!

In fact I believe she texted those exact words to him once

"I'm YOUR friend..not HERS!"

There's so much insecurity and jealousy going on with BOTH of them. Theyve been each other's itchy security blankets for so long.

But he refuses to acknowledge any of it!

Theyre never going to be a couple again. But I dont put it past her to sabotage our relationship so she can have her safety net/ spare tire back where she likes him. Single and available.

Misery loves company.

[MJJean]

DH kept a friendship with his ex. We went rounds about it. I even heard "you can't tell me who I can be friends with!" I told him he was right. However, I did have the right to determine whether or not I'd be willing to stay based on his choices. He hasn't spoken to her since. That was over a decade ago.

 

Tell him his options are to end the friendship or pack his stuff and move on along to his back up plan.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Whichwayisup!

That is dead on!

In fact I believe she texted those exact words to him once

"I'm YOUR friend..not HERS!"

There's so much insecurity and jealousy going on with BOTH of them. Theyve been each other's itchy security blankets for so long.

But he refuses to acknowledge any of it!

Theyre never going to be a couple again. But I dont put it past her to sabotage our relationship so she can have her safety net/ spare tire back where she likes him. Single and available.

Misery loves company.

 

Oh and don't forget she feeds his ego!

 

Sounds like he's drama! How long have you been married? Do NOT have children with him, not until this is sorted out (she's out of your lives).

 

Please talk to him and let him know how serious this is. It's totally inappropriate to have a side chick/friendship that he has with her. It's unhealthy and damaging him which in turn damages your marriage and relationship.

 

Not saying you should divorce him or even separate but suggest marriage counseling to him. If he hears how shoddy he's been acting by a professional maybe he'll wake up and BE the husband he's meant to be. Right now he sucks!

[Rxwoman]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

I can do better. :-(

[dichotomy]

My wife (then dating and engaged) kept secrete strings to several sexual ex partners - one in particular that was a pure EA. Yes they were backup plans for sure.

 

After we got married it all came out.

 

I blew a gasket. I made a rather angry but simple request "us and the marriage or them (ex's)". Wife went no contact at the time. For a long while she was mad at ME for making her do this - but I could care less. Eventually she saw (like your guy) that what she was doing was wrong and a form of cheating.

 

This did not stop the one main ex (MM) from trying to contact her (one sided) for several years including going though a mutual GF and trying to restart EA and PA. Wife did not respond.

 

You have a choice and so does he. No Contact or done.

[elaine567]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

I can do better. :-(

 

Yes you can and do not EVER get involved with any one again who is still emotionally involved with the ex, as in hates the ex, loves the ex, is "best friends" with the ex, goes out socially with the ex, flirts with the ex.... etc. etc.

YOU will come off worst if there IS something going on or if there isn't you will drive yourself mad thinking there might be...

[MJJean]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

I can do better. :-(

 

Ok, then, get an attorney and file. He said he'd chose her, so leave him to it.

[amaysngrace]

He actually said that to you, that you would lose?

 

I'd happily let her have him because yes, you deserve much better! The only way you lose is if you think he is a prize.

[BTDT2012]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

 

Actually, you win. You now know that he values his 'friendship' with her more than his marriage to you.

[pheonixrisen]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

I can do better. :-(

 

What? ....take him up on the offer ..because you mean that little to him .

 

Please do and see how this all unfold ...if it's true then sorry your marriage is a disaster waiting to happen to you and your child.

And this girl will just be adding fuel to fire in a very nice way .

[Rxwoman]

Ugh. Thank you all for the advice.

I don't quite understand why he'd choose her.

Apparently she has a bf again. But he acts like I asked him to disown his mother.

I know he loves me. But I think this friendship with her is disfunctional.

I'm very sad.

[camillalev]

I would leave him. Call him on it. She "forgets" you guys are married, tried to convince him to not marry you, gets naked in front of him while he's over at her place, there's flirting on her side and his side when you're out of town. Now he's point blank told you that she, his ex, is more important to him that you, his wife. Everything about this is inappropriate and both he and she knows it. I would bet you he will someday cheat on you with her. You are only recently married, if this is how it is now, it WILL go downhill. Every marriage has it's ups and downs. Plenty of amazing marriages has had its moment where both parties thought it might be over. Where do you think he will go when those moments happen.

 

Your relationships shouldn't make you sad like this. You'll never feel 100% secure.

[whichwayisup]

Lol. Thank you Whichwayisup.

I actually did that tonight. Pinned him down.

"If you had to choose between your friendship with her and marriage to me..who would you choose?"

He said " If you did that..YOU WOULD LOSE".

 

I can do better. :-(

 

Tell him to pack his bags and get the F out and go to HER!

 

You can do better and you deserve a man who is going to put you first. Love and adore only you.

 

At least he was honest with you.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[whichwayisup]

Ugh. Thank you all for the advice.

I don't quite understand why he'd choose her.

Apparently she has a bf again. But he acts like I asked him to disown his mother.

I know he loves me. But I think this friendship with her is disfunctional.

I'm very sad.

 

He has to suffer some consequences. Not saying you have to divorce but you need to take control and make him see that you're not putting up with this crappy treatment from him. You're his WIFE, the woman he said vows to in front of your family and friends. Right now he's a pretty shi.tty husband to you by choosing another woman's friendship over you.

 

Kick him out and see what happens. It won't be easy but at least he'll get a taste of what life is like without you in it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rxwoman, looking in from the outside your marriage is a train wreck waiting to happen. If you want to wait till the bitter end then that is your choice but if you want to retain control of your situation you should be the prime mover in this matter. Whichwayisup and others who have written along similar lines are correct. Look for a guy with as little emotional baggage as possible otherwise you will get a repeat of this situation. Warm wishes.

[cocoa342]

I am so sorry you had to experience this. You deserve so much more. As his wife he should put you first.

Send him packing and find yourself a man who is worthy of your love.

[angel.eyes]

Ugh. Thank you all for the advice.

I don't quite understand why he'd choose her.

Apparently she has a bf again. But he acts like I asked him to disown his mother.

I know he loves me. But I think this friendship with her is disfunctional.

I'm very sad.

 

You seem to want to stay for some reason. It's irrelevant why he chooses her over you. The important fact here is that he chooses her, not you. He's made it crystal clear that his relationship with her is more important than his marriage to you. Whether their friendship is dysfunctional or whatever is irrelevant. He doesn't value your marriage. Backup plan or not, he prioritizes his friendship with this ex over his marriage to you.

 

You don't have kids and you're newlyweds. In the honeymoon phase of your marriage, he would rather lose you than this "friend" of his??? This will only get worse!!! I would get a lawyer and try to annul the marriage.

[Ana-Iva]

I agree with others and will not add any more to that.

 

Just look behind what HIS behaviour and words indicate, what kind of character, what kind of emotional support, what kind of level of maturity, care, friendship, etc. Not what you would expect from a married partner, is it?

 

Most disturbing part for me in your situation would be having someone who can clearly see how emotionally upset you are, and how it affects your relationship, but he is not willing to defend or protect his marriage or your feelings at all.

 

Today it is his ex, tomorrow someone else, or something else. His teenage needs ("but I want my friends, and you can't tell me whom to be friends with!") will always take precedence over anything you feel.

 

You married someone who was not ready to get married. He thought he did, but now that he's got you, it is more exciting having an ex jumping naked into pool than the girl he already won over.

 

You have to start living your life that perhaps involves getting uncomfortably close with your ex or finding some a bit inappropriate male company and when he objects to it you can always remind him it is no different than his friendship with his ex. You go and have a friend naked in the pool too. Good looking one too! Ha! Maybe he will see your point then.

I would personally not go through trouble of playing games. But if you are not ready to let go, then start playing a game. He is taking you for granted.