Spouse is ok with my drug habit ????

[DarkestLight]

I was a functioning addict for 10 years.

Meaning that I didn't hang out with drug users or engage in reckless or weird activity. I would go to work everyday and school PT.

 

Drug addiction was my only real hang up. I met, my now wife, and really wanted to pursue it. A friend who knew I used told her I needed to be honest right off the bat. So I was. I told her I use drugs every day. She didn't judge,

she didn't run away. I have never lied to her about it, if I had to leave to pick up, I told her where I was going. I never used in front of her.

We got married, bought a house.

 

She knew I've always wanted to get sober. The only issue is, I didn't have time to recover from with drawl.

 

School ended, I left one job for another and had a nice 2 week gap.

 

I decided to get sober (9/20/2016). It was brutal.

 

I stayed clean until May 2017, short relapse (2 day thing)

then again in June 2017.

 

I've always told her it is really hard. While the drug is destructive and life was better without it, I still had these moments where I just ... wanted it.

 

When I would try to deal with it by talking to her, she would just tell me, "It's ok, you can go get some if you want" ...

 

I'm a little confused by this and am looking for some insight.

 

I appreciate that she didn't judge at the start, I understand why she was distant as I detoxed (she has never seen it, wasnt sure how what to do to help me) ... but in my moments of weakness (and yes I've discussed it with her before posting online) she encourages me to return to drugs rather than be that ear, or be the comforting support.

 

I don't use it as a free card or reason to go run out and get loaded ...

I usually just try another way to distract myself until the craving goes away.

 

It just seems odd to me.

 

Most people are given the ultimatum by their spouse to stop.

I've seen spouses of a recovering addict celebrate dates, milestones of sobriety ... not mine ...

 

Anyone have any insight on this situation ? or been in this situation ?

 

I've even asked her to not suggest drugs to me in those moments, and she still does.

 

Is there a better way to ask for her support ?

 

It kinda seems to me, that .... she just doesn't care. I'm at a loss.

 

Thank you to those who took the time to read this ......

[stillafool]

Perhaps if she feels if you stop using drugs you will no longer want her. This happens. Don't let her stop your fight for sobriety.

[DarkestLight]

Good point. I love her just the same. Still treat her the same.

I asked if she noticed any changes in me addicted vs. sober

and didn't get much of a response.

To me my actions are the same, still affectionate, still get the door for her,

still try to do what I can to make her life brighter.

 

I will ask again to make sure. Thank You.

[grays]

Thst is kinda odd. What kinda drugs are you doing? It seems to me that all of the serious ones are usually hard to live around.

[DarkestLight]

I'd rather not say just because I know the stereotype, and I don't fit it, and cant stand the behaviors that 98% of them display.

 

It was a hard drug.

 

I used because it helped me focus, my job history prior was terrible, Id' lose interest and quit. I know kinda weird but on drugs my employment history was stable, even got promoted. Attended 2 years of college.

 

I also took care of myself ... eating, sleeping,bathing everyday, everything normal people do, so I didn't end up looking wrecked.

 

It didn't damage my relationship because I didn't lie, I didn't steal money, I didn't hang out with sketchy people, I don't have any legal issues (ok I have traffic tickets), I'm stable.

[Popsicle]

Maybe she's happy either way because you treat her well either way. Maybe she just wants you to be happy and doesn't understand the struggle.

 

My ex bf was an alcoholic and I never told him to quit. He quit on his own but when he'd mention that he sometimes wanted to take a drink again, I'd not say anything at all. I didn't comment. We ended up breaking up because of other things, not his drinking, but I will say that he treated me better when he was drunk.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Popsicle

[basil67]

I'd rather not say just because I know the stereotype, and I don't fit it, and cant stand the behaviors that 98% of them display.

 

It was a hard drug.

 

I used because it helped me focus, my job history prior was terrible, Id' lose interest and quit. I know kinda weird but on drugs my employment history was stable, even got promoted. Attended 2 years of college.

 

I also took care of myself ... eating, sleeping,bathing everyday, everything normal people do, so I didn't end up looking wrecked.

 

It didn't damage my relationship because I didn't lie, I didn't steal money, I didn't hang out with sketchy people, I don't have any legal issues (ok I have traffic tickets), I'm stable.

 

No, it's not weird. You were self medicating.

 

Now that you're not using, are you still functioning as well as you were while you were on the drugs? If not, have you thought of discussing this with your doctor?

[DarkestLight]

Actually no. I have the attention span of a gerbil.

 

Havent talked to a doc because they will think I am pill seeking .....

[CC12]

Havent talked to a doc because they will think I am pill seeking .....

 

I don't think you should let this stop you from seeing a doctor. Maybe they'll think that, maybe they won't. Your attention-span issues seem serious enough that they have a negative impact on your life. If one won't help you, see someone else. Maybe seek out a doctor that specializes in drug addiction.

 

As for your wife, it is odd. I don't think you should jump to the conclusion that she doesn't care about you, though. If she's generally an uncaring, distant partner, then why are you with her? I going to assume that in most areas concerning you, she shows care and compassion and interest. So it has to be something else.

 

I have some theories. Is she completely naive and innocent? Maybe she just simply does not understand anything about drug use or addiction. Or maybe she's the type of person to completely avoid unpleasant thoughts or situations? Is she in denial that there's a problem?

 

You should ask her these things. Use those questions to open up a dialogue. I feel like you probably haven't really had an in-depth conversation with her about this. When she has suggested that you just go do some drugs, do you explain exactly why this is unhelpful? Or are you maybe also the type of person who avoids unpleasant topics, just like her?

 

I'm just thinking that she does not get it, for some reason, and you probably haven't tried hard enough to make her understand. Do you think that's the case, at all?

[newmoon]

my brother was on meth and who knows what else for years. he's been clean now for maybe 10 years. he married a woman whose family owns a marijuana farm or whatever and so she actively does marijuana in my brother's presence/awareness, knowing full-well he's a former addict of drugs. my brother has not taken drugs and she doesn't offer it to him. whatever it is, it's inconsiderate and uncaring of her, at least as my family sees it. he has the strength to not do it on his own, but it seems so inconsiderate of the partner. does she care about you? i'm going with a no. she's basically leaving you to self-medicate and self-direct with no major assistance/input from her. maybe she wants to remain blameless if you make wrong choices - 'i didn't tell you to do/not do that', maybe she's in denial, maybe she doesn't understand drugs and the impact, and maybe she just doesn't give a .... about you. i would stop looking for her support and just do what you need to do. sounds like she's indifferent, so make choices for your own health and welfare. as w/my brother's situation, you don't necessarily need the wife to support you with addiction/recovery, it can be something you handle alone if you know more about the situation and your tolerances. it's not the norm, but if it works for you.

[anika99]

It doesn't sound like you have a very close and supportive marriage. It seems that your wife wants to maintain the status quo and doesn't like any situation that rocks the boat. There could be any number of psychological reasons for this that we can only guess at. As another poster suggested she may feel more secure and confident as your wife when you are using. If you change too much then maybe you won't need her anymore and being drug free will make you more attractive to a much larger group of women. I'd say your wife feels threatened by your sobriety in some way.

[amaysngrace]

Or maybe she just likes YOU better when you're high

[TheWoman]

Sounds to me like you have ADHD, have you ever tried the prescribed medications for lack of attention, stick-ability? Might help with the functioning issues you describe.

With regards to your partner, difficult to know why she isnt all over it. Perhaps she doesn't want to be or feel like your mother. That's how Id feel, but best to ask her and talk about it.

[TheWoman]

Oh and just in case you didnt know, ADHD medications are stimulants too, that is how it works. But under proper medical care, you can get the dose right and not have the stigma of 'drug addict'.

[jay1983]

Sounds like meth. I don't know how long a recovery would take. A couple of years ago, I took a software modeling class. Basically they gave us written instructions and let us figure it out. The kid next to me smoked my ass. He blew through the first plant design before the end of the day and even helped me when I got stuck. Well on the third day, he just stopped right in middle of running a pipe. The next day I look over and he's still just starring at his half finished drawing. Turns out, he ran out of Adderall and his doctor was in San Antonio.

[Cali408]

How about having enough courage to stop making excuses? Because you are knowingly killing yourself.

 

How about having enough self esteem to realize you deserve better?

 

How about going to marriage counseling with your wife, because she is fearful of losing you?

[coolheadal]

I was a functioning addict for 10 years.

Meaning that I didn't hang out with drug users or engage in reckless or weird activity. I would go to work everyday and school PT.

 

Drug addiction was my only real hang up. I met, my now wife, and really wanted to pursue it. A friend who knew I used told her I needed to be honest right off the bat. So I was. I told her I use drugs every day. She didn't judge,

she didn't run away. I have never lied to her about it, if I had to leave to pick up, I told her where I was going. I never used in front of her.

We got married, bought a house.

 

She knew I've always wanted to get sober. The only issue is, I didn't have time to recover from with drawl.

 

School ended, I left one job for another and had a nice 2 week gap.

 

I decided to get sober (9/20/2016). It was brutal.

 

I stayed clean until May 2017, short relapse (2 day thing)

then again in June 2017.

 

I've always told her it is really hard. While the drug is destructive and life was better without it, I still had these moments where I just ... wanted it.

 

When I would try to deal with it by talking to her, she would just tell me, "It's ok, you can go get some if you want" ...

 

I'm a little confused by this and am looking for some insight.

 

I appreciate that she didn't judge at the start, I understand why she was distant as I detoxed (she has never seen it, wasnt sure how what to do to help me) ... but in my moments of weakness (and yes I've discussed it with her before posting online) she encourages me to return to drugs rather than be that ear, or be the comforting support.

 

I don't use it as a free card or reason to go run out and get loaded ...

I usually just try another way to distract myself until the craving goes away.

 

It just seems odd to me.

 

Most people are given the ultimatum by their spouse to stop.

I've seen spouses of a recovering addict celebrate dates, milestones of sobriety ... not mine ...

 

Anyone have any insight on this situation ? or been in this situation ?

 

I've even asked her to not suggest drugs to me in those moments, and she still does.

 

Is there a better way to ask for her support ?

 

It kinda seems to me, that .... she just doesn't care. I'm at a loss.

 

Thank you to those who took the time to read this ......

 

I don't judge either. She's like me in many ways. So you have someone who stands by you.. Sounds like she doesn't want to know what your on control substance abuse. Are you still taking drugs or did you quit Bit confusing sound like your on and off again. She still with you just accept that and stop worry over things. I take it she doesn't do drugs either?

[S2B]

She doesn't understand the dynamics of the disease... so you can't expect her to.

 

She simply doesn't know.

 

This is only up to you. Have you looked for support in an AA or NA meeting? That's where to go to get supportive people that understand the disease and what it's like to recover.

 

Also, seek professional help. A great trauma counselor can help in many ways. Go long term every week or two for an extended period of time - that really helped me.

 

Good job on quitting... it's not easy but it is worth it! Keep on keeping on.

 

Be you. Let your wife be herself. She doesn't have to carry your burdens - especially since she doesn't understand this one. Handle this on your own by getting the help you need.

[S2B]

Actually no. I have the attention span of a gerbil.

 

Havent talked to a doc because they will think I am pill seeking .....

 

My doctor knows to never offer me any medication that alters, ever. He's also a very good support to me.

 

YOU set the standard for your care - you tell the dr what you won't consider.

[Nothingtolose]

First of all, I want to say congratulations for taking this big step. I don't even know you, and am already proud - I'm proud of any human being who chooses to better themselves. You are strong!

 

My ex was an ex-meth addict. He hadn't used it for 10 years when we met, but what he did after quitting meth was turn to pot and regular drinking to cope. He gets stoned every night and drinks most nights, and it was one of the things that ruined our relationship. He had a lot of emotional issues that were not dealt with, I kept asking him to get counselling for it, and to work on the addictions, and he never did. Being a stoner made him lazy, apathetic, he got laid off/fired from multiple jobs, didn't help me around the house, had no goals or ambitions, was a terrible listener etc, and drinking on top of that didn't help either.

 

I would have been so so proud of him if he had taken the steps to quit that you did (I know he quit meth before, but essentially replace one vice with two others), and if he had, I believe our relationship could have been saved, maybe. I'm not sure why your wife isn't being more supportive, I find it odd for sure, but I think maybe she's scared that by bettering yourself you'll realize you don't need her, that you can do better etc...people have all sorts of internal insecurities that they are sometimes ashamed to admit.