Last night I got into a big argument with my wife

[millerband86]

Last night I got into a big argument with my wife which ended up in me leaving the house for about an hour.

 

Essentially I got fed up because I feel like I'm constantly being told like I'm not doing enough or the things I do aren't appreciated. We're (I'm) currently renovating our bathroom, redid the floors, tiling the tub walls, even made fancy niches that my wife just had to have.

 

This has taken a while because money, timing (it's our only bathroom so I have to work around being able to shower etc.), school 2 nights a week, and i work a full-time job with about an hour commute.

 

I cook, do all the cleaning when I can (house is a wreck bit she makes almost no effort), feed the dogs (6), take care of bills and banking etc.

 

She does work part time, she has a host of health issues so she needs a lot of sleep which is fine but basically 90% of everything is on my shoulders alone.

 

So after I got back she was crying a lot and asked if I wanted to divorce her and I said No, bit when I asked her she paused and said "not yet" and then went on to say how nothing gets done, It's stressing her out, and she is tired of things not getting done.

 

Now, to be fair I am a procrastinator, and its true i dont take every single opportunity to work on the house. the other day we were talking and realized that I probably have adult ADHD. The symptoms line up EXACT. So I'm going to see a psychologist next week.

 

But my attempts to have her understand my side, the pressure I feel, the lack of gratitude I get for my good traits, and how I have a lot on my plate just fell on deaf ears. It seems to be all about what she is dealing with.

 

The strangest thing is she says contradictory things, she says how much she loves and misses me all the time, even today it's like everyting is all good.

 

But I still can't shake this feeling that I am currently not good enough and never will be by her standards regardless of what I do. being the breadwinner, and caretaker of the House, furthering my education, and being the one that deals with essentially everything hasn't seemed to be enough.

[Woggle]

You will never be enough. I see some guys just struggle and struggle to stay out the doghouse and they always end up there anyway so stop twisting yourself into pretzels. Next time she gets like that just leave and go off to enjoy yourself.

[act00]

Maybe you two need a mediator. You need an outside source to help work through your issues. Everyone is too highly emotional right now. Her health issues create problems, and having a half-functional bathroom is an issue. Her stress level could be contributing insanely to her inability to contribute and her need for you to fix everything. You're working double time, need a break, and are picking up the slack...getting beaten down for not being "on" all the time. I don't know that either of you are doing anything wrong, but based on your post, I question if she puts in any effort. Basic chores suck, but are not that hard to deal with...dishes, dishwasher, basic wiping and dusting, trash and recycles, putting things away, just making the house ready for the vacuum if she can't run a vacuum, and it seems you are accepting of her "bad days," but are there good days? Honestly, I don't know where you find the time to work on the bathroom and maintain all the chores of a household with work and school.

 

Counselling - a mediator - like anyone has the time. But seriously, an outside resource could help define some boundaries and expectations of which you will both have to stick to, and accept lapses, as long as the bigger picture is still moving forward. I would say marriage counselling is what you need.

 

Suddenly the lack of keeping up with the house is YOUR issue, adult ADHD...okay, maybe that's a part of it, but you're still shouldering the burden of 90% of the household responsibility. You sound very understanding of her limitations, and accepting of them, but you don't get the same respect and understanding. Let me guess...she's the one that takes in the next new dog...six dogs? You deal with the major care involving these pets, and she gets a fun puppy.

 

Counselling/mediator.

 

Mr. Adult ADHD covers a job and school and household chores and six dogs, hair and poop, and takes care of a sick wife, but doesn't deal with bathroom renovation fast enough...ADHD is not the big issue. Some freaking downtime is is the issue and having a little bit of help with some of these household tasks.

[Chilli]

So your working full time , doing a course and doing all the house work plus renovating too ,hell yeah you def' need to do more you slacko .

No offense but l think you gotta stop making excuses for her unappreciation and put your foot down ,just what exactly does she do then anyway doesn't sound like there's much left for her to do.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Chilli

[act00]

I can't edit or add to my previous post, so here's a second post of a new thought:

 

Do you come up with brilliant ideas that seem like a good idea at the time and then you don't follow through? That is YOUR issue, and I can understand your wife's anger and frustration if this is what you're doing. She might lament about this project or idea because she knows how you are, but ultimately gives in to your prodding and convincing. Get done with this bathroom and do not embark on any new projects without a solid plan of action, including the money required to hire outside help if DIY is not working.

[d0nnivain]

Sit her down & have a real talk about what you can both do to improve the situation. Make a chore board & a schedule. Then make an effort to stick to it. It's hard. DH & I both procrastinate but sometimes it will get to be touch much & I'll explode demanding that it all be done now.

[Sunlight72]

But I still can't shake this feeling that I am currently not good enough and never will be by her standards regardless of what I do. being the breadwinner, and caretaker of the House, furthering my education, and being the one that deals with essentially everything hasn't seemed to be enough.

Here's the weird thing - the more you act beat down and guilty about this, the worse she's going to treat you. She's desperately trying to find your limit. Not your limit against her - your limit of chaos in general.

 

Don't be angry. That is not the counter balance she needs, and not the kind of strength you need.

 

She is not dissatisfied with your effort or amount of work (even though that's what her words say). She is feeling unsafe, and uncertain about her health and her future (even though she can't find the words to understand that herself). She doesn't need you to do more work. She needs you to show her that you are unshakeable, steady, not going to be damaged. Then she'll know you are strong enough to take care of her, and keep her safe no matter what happens to her.

 

She feels emotional chaos. She can't understand it, and it's scaring her.

 

She wants you to relieve that fear by being a rock-solid mountain that is way stronger than the storm.

 

She wants to see you act like that mountain. To test your strength, she is creating the storm and throwing it at you.

 

Right now, you are not acting as strong and immovable as a mountain. You are acting like an anthill, being worn away by the wind and rain.

 

She needs you to stand up, and become a strong mountain of a man who will not be shaken by chaos.

 

What you need to do is tell her directly, not angry, not shouting, but directly, "I love you, and I am committed to this marriage and this house. If you are upset about not being able to do things the way you would like to, I understand. That is not a reason to take out your frustration on me."

 

Then let her say what ever she is going to say. Don't respond. It's difficult. Don't react.

 

After a while, if she just keeps going off, tell her, "I'll be back", and leave the house. Don't be wishy-washy, sad, angry... Be very neutral and calm. Walk slowly, deliberately. Leave and get some construction materials, or cleaning supplies, and take your time to calm down - even call a guy friend or family member to meet for coffee for a few minutes.

 

You need to start showing her that when she criticizes you, yells at you, or acts superior to you, you will not be there to listen to it. When she tries to generate chaos, you will not engage in it with her. You aren't angry or scared, but you won't be present for it.

 

Don't tell her what to do. Just show her that you won't stand around and be insulted. You have more productive things to do with yourself.

[Sunlight72]

I got divorced through this scenario you have described. The worse my wife acted, the more guilty and apologetic I felt and acted. The lower I felt and acted, the more she piled it on.

 

You know the worst thing? Once I completely gave up hope of us working it out (during the divorce), and stopped pussy-footing around worrying about being rude, I told her I did all I could and I'm a decent man. She started respecting me and treated me like I am a good man, and told me that I am a good man.

 

Ugh. Why didn't she feel that when we were married and I was killing myself with work and worry to make our lives better? A wife in a couple that I'm friends with clued me in later.

 

If you don't show respect for yourself, she won't either. This is why I say it's weird. She doesn't say this, but she wants you to be The Man. That would make her feel safe.

 

You bowing down with shame and guilt, even though you are doing as much as a husband should do (more probably), doesn't make her feel better like she's 'winning' or something, it actually makes her feel nervous that you can't manage this scary situation of her illness and loss of control of her life.

 

What you want is for her to feel safe, because you are strong and confident, and know your value and will be the rock of strength and stability while her world is uncertain and out of her control.

 

This process will take time - and NOTE THIS - your words will not be nearly as effective in showing her that you are strong and have value, as your ACTIONS.

 

When she starts treating you like a whipping boy, don't get upset, and don't worry about using a lot of words. Don't pout (that's weak for sure), but also don't stick around to put up with that.

 

Tell her, "I love you, and I know you are hurting. When you want to talk about that, I will listen. Right now, I'm going to take care of us by....... (going to buy groceries / going to work early / going to see your doctor / going to (do something good that contributes to your marriage or your house))". And leave.

 

You'll probably have to do this several times. Don't do it as punishment, do it because you are valuable, and you don't deserve to be told you're not. It's actually some fearful area inside her that this is coming from.

 

That's what I think.

 

It's a very hard situation. I think the solution is for you to take a more distanced viewpoint right now, and not take this personally.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited September 23, 2017 by Sunlight72

[millerband86]

I can't edit or add to my previous post, so here's a second post of a new thought:

 

Do you come up with brilliant ideas that seem like a good idea at the time and then you don't follow through? That is YOUR issue, and I can understand your wife's anger and frustration if this is what you're doing. She might lament about this project or idea because she knows how you are, but ultimately gives in to your prodding and convincing. Get done with this bathroom and do not embark on any new projects without a solid plan of action, including the money required to hire outside help if DIY is not working.

 

Well no, to be honest most of the ideas or goal for projects come from her and want she wants. Which that's fine but sometimes I think she doesn't have a grasp on the complexity or time/effort involved in some things.

 

Like this bathroom/hallway... absolute nightmare, everything was out of level to start, replace subfloors, redo plumbing, and of course she wanted 5 niches in the wall so there was a place to put shampoo/soaps because those metal racks you can buy at walmart for $25 just wont do.

 

This sparked because i had planned to work on it last night after work but during the day she asked if we could spend quality time together. I get home a bit before her and decided to tidy up outside while i wait.

 

She gets home and we spend an hour or so together and about 7:30 she asks if i was going to work on it, i said "ok are you gonna feed the dogs?" and she says no, so i decide ok well i'm not going to work on it when i have to stop and deal with the dogs in a half hour then it'll be like 1.5 hours before bed at that point and i'm already exhausted as is.

 

That's when she starts yelling, giving me major attitude because "you didnt tell me you wouldn't be able to work on it then" and how it messed up plans for the next few days (not really, just changed the timeframe on when things would happen with the bathroom, doesnt affect what she does in any way) and I got fed up and left, and like i told her when I get back i know i'm not perfect but i'm also not an a-hole. I had every intention of working on it but she wanted to spend time together. But it all fell on deaf ears.

 

And i still would have done it but not when she couldnt be bothered to feed the dogs and take that off my plate, when I almost never ask her to do anything for me.

 

As i said i am a procrastinator, I can be lackidasical with things, I admit that. But thats the crap im going to see a psychologist for. I'd bet my next check i get diagnosed with ADHD. Which is whatever we all have problems, but i'd like to see a little acknowledgement of the things I do well as opposed to everything I don't, as well as a little look in the mirror on her side.

 

but thanks for all the replies, it helps. and probably just getting this all off my chest

[millerband86]

I got divorced through this scenario you have described. The worse my wife acted, the more guilty and apologetic I felt and acted. The lower I felt and acted, the more she piled it on.

 

You know the worst thing? Once I completely gave up hope of us working it out (during the divorce), and stopped pussy-footing around worrying about being rude, I told her I did all I could and I'm a decent man. She started respecting me and treated me like I am a good man, and told me that I am a good man.

 

Ugh. Why didn't she feel that when we were married and I was killing myself with work and worry to make our lives better? A wife in a couple that I'm friends with clued me in later.

 

If you don't show respect for yourself, she won't either. This is why I say it's weird. She doesn't say this, but she wants you to be The Man. That would make her feel safe.

 

You bowing down with shame and guilt, even though you are doing as much as a husband should do (more probably), doesn't make her feel better like she's 'winning' or something, it actually makes her feel nervous that you can't manage this scary situation of her illness and loss of control of her life.

 

What you want is for her to feel safe, because you are strong and confident, and know your value and will be the rock of strength and stability while her world is uncertain and out of her control.

 

This process will take time - and NOTE THIS - your words will not be nearly as effective in showing her that you are strong and have value, as your ACTIONS.

 

When she starts treating you like a whipping boy, don't get upset, and don't worry about using a lot of words. Don't pout (that's weak for sure), but also don't stick around to put up with that.

 

Tell her, "I love you, and I know you are hurting. When you want to talk about that, I will listen. Right now, I'm going to take care of us by....... (going to buy groceries / going to work early / going to see your doctor / going to (do something good that contributes to your marriage or your house))". And leave.

 

You'll probably have to do this several times. Don't do it as punishment, do it because you are valuable, and you don't deserve to be told you're not. It's actually some fearful area inside her that this is coming from.

 

That's what I think.

 

It's a very hard situation. I think the solution is for you to take a more distanced viewpoint right now, and not take this personally.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

 

Thanks a lot, that's insightful.

 

Were there times where she seemed bi-polar in a way? Like today she was exceedingly nice, lovey dovey and such. Which is welcome but I don't understand how last night it go so crazy and her saying "not yet" when i asked if she wanted a divorce.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As i said i am a procrastinator, I can be lackidasical with things, I admit that.

 

Maybe you're just tired! Last night was Friday night! Your wife sounds quite demanding. Do her health issues make it impossible for her to feed the dogs?

[Marc878]

Marriage is supposed to be 50/50. Not 90/10.

 

Obviously you care more for this lopsided arrangement or you wouldn't be in this.

 

I suspect time will take its toll until then you're gonna get more of the same

[LivingWaterPlease]

The reason your wife is so demanding of you is because she feels so inadequate about herself. She has low self esteem but thinks you can do anything and expects you to do everything.

 

From what you've written about your schedule...you're the man! She has struck gold with you because you can do for her so much she can't or won't do for herself.

 

I like Sunlight's posts and would try what he suggests. In the end it may or may not work. You may need to sit her down sometime (not when you're having an argument) and explain to her you're only human and that even when there's a lot to accomplish you still need some down time. And you definitely should take some time just to chill!

 

Take care of yourself! Sounds as if you're the only one who's going to do so!

[Sunlight72]

Thanks a lot, that's insightful.

 

Were there times where she seemed bi-polar in a way?

Hmm. No, my ex didn't seem bipolar (I've had a long relationship with a woman who was diagnosed bipolar, so I have a general understanding of that).

 

She was divided though. She obviously loved me and wanted to be married, sometimes. Then again, sometimes her expressions were 'out of scale' to what she was saying was wrong. That's what I think indicated that there was another, bigger problem bothering her that she rarely spoke about.

 

Basically, my ex was almost filled up with worry and fear, and then when something small happened, she sometimes had no space left in the reservoir to handle the immediate problem, even though it seemed manageable to me.

 

She was looking for a way to fix her concerns. I was an easy target to find. The longer she saw me as the image of problems, the less likely she was to work on 'fixing' any problem herself. It all devolved to me actually becoming the problem to a degree.

 

I didn't understand, and just felt pretty responsible and awful about her being disappointed in life, and did not step back and get calm about the entire scene soon enough.

 

Like today she was exceedingly nice, lovey dovey and such. Which is welcome but I don't understand how last night it go so crazy and her saying "not yet" when i asked if she wanted a divorce.

Well, from my understanding of what happened, deep down your wife is feeling confused/scared/disappointed/angry about something in her life/situation. She is trying to change the dynamic of her life/situation to relieve that confusion/fear/disappointment/anger.

 

If you're not "making her feel" safe/protected/(something), then she's wondering if it was a mistake to be married to you.

 

In my understanding of what's happening, she probably doesn't want a divorce, but what other major thing can she change in her life? She is asking herself this, and looking around for what she can take control of and change to make her life better/more predictable/more peaceful/safer/(something).

 

**Please note** I hope to be helpful, with a perspective from my own life experience. But I don't know the whole situation, and this is the type of stuff a good counselor is trained in, and should be better able to help with than me.

 

You are already doing well by asking folks on this board for some perspective and advice, but of course to really rebuild things, at some point you will probably need to get professional help for your marriage. It's a difficult process. And worth the effort what ever the outcome. Taking charge of your own life is important!

 

For the moment though, you could use some time and space yourself to just get a handle on what the hell is happening. So, keep trying to get a feel for what is going on, and try not to rush or do anything rash.

 

I have found this forum to be a really helpful tool. But, I didn't find it until about 2 years after my divorce.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Sunlight72

[preraph]

Go find out and see what you have and if there's anything to do about it. It's stressful being in the middle of renovation and having a home torn up. She probably has very little energy if she's ill and just needs to get things back in order asap. But it does sound like you're doing a lot. Maybe time to get some help for housecleaning so you can concentrate on the renovations if that's a problem.

[Sunlight72]

I was thinking about what you wrote, and actually, it sounds like you could do alright getting through this, because you haven't abandoned your manhood. I still recommend counseling.

 

Good job (in bold)!

That's when she starts yelling, giving me major attitude.... and I got fed up and left, and like i told her when I get back i know i'm not perfect but i'm also not an a-hole....

I think that (in bold) is why she was lovey-dovey the next day. Because you acted like a ManlyMan who has self-respect and won't put up with that sh*t.

 

You also threaded the needle, by saying you know you are not perfect, but you are also not an a-hole. Perfectly stated! You let her know you care, you are listening, but puh-lease sister, let's keep things in perspective.

..... But it all fell on deaf ears.

I don't think so. I think it took about the amount of time I would expect for it to sink in to her subconscious level that you are the Man She Wants You To Be. It doesn't happen as part of a conversation, it happens due to actions (she needs this on a gut level, not an intellectual level).

Like today she was exceedingly nice, lovey dovey and such. Which is welcome but I don't understand how last night it go so crazy and her saying "not yet" when i asked if she wanted a divorce.

Yes, this is what I am saying.

 

I know it will take time for you to digest it, but do keep working on accepting this.

 

You think - if you want her to be lovey-dovey that you need to be Mr. SnugglePuss. You are confused, because when you act like Mr. SnugglePuss and work super hard to do what she has asked, and what you think is best for both of your futures, she gets meaner and nastier to you.

 

That's because Mr. SnugglePuss is listening to her words, and replying with words. It is delicate, but in this setting, I think her words are only 25% of what's important to her.

 

When you act like ManlyMan - and show her with your actions that you won't let her be mean and nasty to you ("I got fed up and left"), she sees that in fact, you Are ManlyMan, which is apparently an element that's been lacking in your behavior.

 

When she meets Mr. ManlyMan, it turns her on.... after it's had time to sink in, past her intellect. I think this because, the next day she "was exceedingly nice, lovey dovey and such."

 

Think about that.

 

Try it out, and see which side of you gets the better result. Mr. SnugglyPants, or Mr. ManlyMan.

 

Remember, Mr. ManlyMan doesn't need to be abusive or neglectful (I'm not worried from what you've written).

 

Another way someone more roughneck would say this to you is - when you called her on her bullsh*t, she lit right up and loved you.

 

I think you've got a chance here.

 

More actions, less words for you young man.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Sunlight72]

... She probably has very little energy if she's ill and just needs to get things back in order asap. But it does sound like you're doing a lot. Maybe time to get some help for housecleaning so you can concentrate on the renovations if that's a problem.

It seems to me that hiring a maid would show her that being nasty to the OP (instead of nicely asking if they can mutually find a solution) will make him solve things, even at his expense. (if he hires a maid, he'll need to work more hours to pay for it too).

 

Remember, that's how he ended up with the remodel of the bathroom project in the first place. Taking on that extra load didn't make her content or supportive.

 

She needs to learn that she gets rewarded for being encouraging and supportive, so I would try to reward that type of behavior instead.

 

I would be very hesitant to reward her yelling and carrying on. If you nurture that behavior, you should expect to see more of that behavior.

[painfullyobvious]

Sometimes individuals with health issues take their frustrations out on all those around them. Is she perhaps unhappy in her current situation and taking it out on you? Has this been something going on forever in your relationship or since her health deteriorated? She may be depressed and angry at everything right now.

 

Still not an excuse to beat you up about everything. Talk with her about this without being judgemental. If this is not the reason for her frustration be assertive and discuss you not tolerating any more of this treatment from her. Her input is welcome on matters of the home as long as it is not offensive and judgemental.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It sounds like you are living in a house with a lot of projects, am I right?

And you are busy with your things so when you come home, the last thing you feel like doing is work on the house at 7pm?

Meanwhile your wife is flipping out because she is living in a construction zone and it's driving her crazy?

 

Welcome to home ownership and marriage. I guess you don't have kids as you didn't mention it. It makes it a million times worse. What you are experiencing is as common as the sunrise. I live it, I've lived with a bathroom undone for 2 years now and the other bathroom is unusable. I yell and scream sometimes but other times I just step around the debris.

 

The only real solution here is to pay someone else to do all this work. I told my guys that when they do the 2nd bathroom, I want it 100% done, not 90% done, under the assumption my husband can finish it.

 

I do not think your wife is crazy. I do not think you have AHDD. I think you are like everyone else here with too much to do and not enough energy or time. I think you need to figure out a way to pay someone to do the work you want done. And I know you will say you don't have the money. Divorce is expensive too, plus fighting is exhausting. Check Craigs List or FB groups. There is always someone willing to do what you need. What is your sanity worth?

[5x5]

Welcome to home ownership and marriage. I guess you don't have kids as you didn't mention it. It makes it a million times worse. What you are experiencing is as common as the sunrise. I live it, I've lived with a bathroom undone for 2 years now and the other bathroom is unusable. I yell and scream sometimes but other times I just step around the debris.

 

I've been married twice and have done/am doing the home ownership thing with my now wife. Yet we can't relate to any of that at all. In both of my marriages I have always lived in a place that was tidy, uncluttered, organised and not a construction site, with no renovations at all, nor have I lived with any unusable bathrooms either.

 

In my world and amongst many of my married friends such an existence isn't common at all. Plus exempting my ex-wife who unfortunately had a diagnosed mental illness, yelling and screaming has not been part of my marital life either.

 

As to having kids, my wife and I have found apart from before they were teenagers when they required more supervision which limited our ability to go out sometimes, they have not made our life worse or made much of an imposition upon us at all.

 

...

 

 

millerband86 if you humour crap from your wife, you will get exactly that. If you don't tolerate such nonsense, it will come to an end.

[Blanco]

You will never be enough. I see some guys just struggle and struggle to stay out the doghouse and they always end up there anyway so stop twisting yourself into pretzels. Next time she gets like that just leave and go off to enjoy yourself.

 

End of thread. I know some will say mediation, compromise, etc. Sorry, no, I disagree. People such as the OP's wife will never be content with their partner's efforts. The reason is simple: In these cases, there's something deeper going on, and the person handles it by projecting it onto someone else, usually the partner.

 

If the OP's wife has health issues, only works part-time, and doesn't do much else, I would imagine she feels grossly unfulfilled with her life. Rather than figuring out how she could change this, she goes for the low-hanging fruit and finds something that the OP is/isn't doing. Thus, she feels justified in her discontent, because after all, now she can attribute it to someone/something else.

[millerband86]

End of thread. I know some will say mediation, compromise, etc. Sorry, no, I disagree. People such as the OP's wife will never be content with their partner's efforts. The reason is simple: In these cases, there's something deeper going on, and the person handles it by projecting it onto someone else, usually the partner.

 

If the OP's wife has health issues, only works part-time, and doesn't do much else, I would imagine she feels grossly unfulfilled with her life. Rather than figuring out how she could change this, she goes for the low-hanging fruit and finds something that the OP is/isn't doing. Thus, she feels justified in her discontent, because after all, now she can attribute it to someone/something else.

 

I actually agree and disagree here.

 

Yesterday we did talk a bit and she pointed out how if the renovation wasn't going on we wouldn't be having this problem which I thought was a good point because we rarely have serious arguments and are very close.

 

But i do agree, she is definitely feeling unfulfilled at the moment, her plans for her life and what she had gone to school for got altered not too long ago (about a month) so she has been coping with that and I think that is why she is lashing out right now.

 

That doesn't excuse it, but I can understand how having your dreams and everything you worked for in life basically be squashed can cause someone to go into a rut and suddenly mole-hills become mountains, and things that are awry in life get more stressful.

 

I do thank everyone for their insights, much appreciated.

 

@Sunlight in particular for taking the time to write responses and helping me see that I need to be her stability even when she may be going overboard.

[Doublegold]

When a spouse says "Husband should be/do" or "Wife should be/do" then millerband you have a problem. That is one of the first things you learn in marriage counseling.

 

That being said, your wife is miserable. God Bless you.

[Woggle]

I actually agree and disagree here.

 

Yesterday we did talk a bit and she pointed out how if the renovation wasn't going on we wouldn't be having this problem which I thought was a good point because we rarely have serious arguments and are very close.

 

But i do agree, she is definitely feeling unfulfilled at the moment, her plans for her life and what she had gone to school for got altered not too long ago (about a month) so she has been coping with that and I think that is why she is lashing out right now.

 

That doesn't excuse it, but I can understand how having your dreams and everything you worked for in life basically be squashed can cause someone to go into a rut and suddenly mole-hills become mountains, and things that are awry in life get more stressful.

 

I do thank everyone for their insights, much appreciated.

 

@Sunlight in particular for taking the time to write responses and helping me see that I need to be her stability even when she may be going overboard.

Then you are becoming the scapegoat for all her disappointments

in life. Once a man becomes that symbol there is no coming back because your very presence will cause resentment.

[Els]

Sounds like she might be in depression. Has she talked to a health professional about this?