steenerz Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 so the bf and i were driving home from a date (we hardly go on dates, so it was kind of a special/nice night), and then he goes, i don't know if i could marry you...okayyyyyyyyyyyyyy....yes, we're only 19....but it still hurt my feelings. )He's told me a couple time sbefore how he wanted to marry me one day) Then i started to cry and he got mad that i started crying, and told me i was being uptight....he explained that he said it because we are so young, that ppl our age don't know what they want blah blah....was i overreacting? He is my first real relationship, boyfriend....I had opportunities to date in HS but all turned them down b/c nobody seemed special enough...then i met my bf last summer before college, and the fact that i am dating him is a huge deal. My belief is, it's kinda pointless to go out with someone unless you think that you will marry them. He believes that dating is a way to get to know people, but then why would he be with me for over a year? I'm confused, not as hurt, and want to know what he really feels about me Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Right now, he is probably horrified at the idea of spending the rest of his life with you. Not because of you, but because how clingy and insecure you are with your relationship. I'm surprised he lasted this long, to be honest. No one wants to spend the rest of their lives with that kind of emotional pressure. No one. If you want longevity with this guy, you have GOT to get your insecurity under control. At this rate, your relationship is probably holding together more out of guilt and obligation on his part than it is a genuine need to be together. I'm not trying to be mean to you or hurt you, but I will tell you this: if you want this relationship to work out, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Until you can stand happily on your own, there is no real chance for happiness in this relationship. Happy relationships are ones in which the partners contribute strength to the relationship in order to make it mutually stronger. People who use the relationship as a source of strength, with the inability to bring strength and confidence to it do not ultimately have happy relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 LucreziaBorgia - Fair point, but pretty harshly put there!!! steenerz - At 19, he's right, you aren't yet old enough to know what you really want. He may well feel he wants to marry you one day, but he also obviously felt he had to make it clear that it's NOT a promise!! While it's fine to have your beliefs you should understand that many people see dating a way of learning about relationships and what works for you and what doesn't. It can be about getting to know someone and discovering if you like them. You can't always be sure how you feel about someone when you first meet them, so dating over a period of a year or more, is often a great way to decide if you really have a future with someone or not. I'm sure some people will have the same views as you, but a small percentage of people will believe you should only 'date' men you want to marry. How can you be sure?! I've been with my current boyfriend for 5 months. We are both 30 and have discussed marriage and our future together. We are pretty sure how we feel, but we are also wise enough to know that we need a strong basis to work on. So we have agreed that we will date for a year before we live together, and live together for a year before we start to plan our wedding. This way we will know that we are a good strong team by the time we marry. It isn't that either of us don't feel that we want to 'one day', we just have both learnt that you need to know each other well, and have something strong before making that commitment. I hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Originally posted by littlekitty We are both 30 and have discussed marriage and our future together. We are pretty sure how we feel, but we are also wise enough to know that we need a strong basis to work on. So we have agreed that we will date for a year before we live together, and live together for a year before we start to plan our wedding. This way we will know that we are a good strong team by the time we marry. It isn't that either of us don't feel that we want to 'one day', we just have both learnt that you need to know each other well, and have something strong before making that commitment. Very nice! Now, you're 19 and shouldn't even remotely think about mariage. You will change, he will too. Life changes. Our tastes change. Our needs change. If you were 30, you could use Littlekitty's advice on your case, but you have so much to learn. It seems that your BF realizes that better than you. Cheer up! Your whole life is in front of you. You don't need to choose your last guy now and have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Now that I look back on it, it is pretty harsh - I guess it was exasperation after reading all the very many posts of hers before responding. It is sad to see where this is headed. Insecurity/clinginess is the problem, and its apparent that it is in the process of ending this relationship. Reading the posts from beginning to end is like watching a trainwreck in progress. Steenerz - you still have a chance to try to stop this trainwreck, and it doesn't sound too late yet - but its getting there. It is painful to see, and I'm sorry you are going through this - but... you hold the key right there in your hand. All you have to do is use it. See someone about your insecurity and tendency to cling. Get yourself stronger and your boyfriend may turn toward you instead of seeing you as someone he needs to escape from. I am sorry if I came off as harsh, and it wasn't intended to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Edited.... soz! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Now that I look back on it, it is pretty harsh - I guess it was exasperation after reading all the very many posts of hers before responding. It is sad to see where this is headed. Insecurity/clinginess is the problem, and its apparent that it is in the process of ending this relationship. Reading the posts from beginning to end is like watching a trainwreck in progress. . Ahhhh now I see....!!! Seems there's more than just some growing up do be sorted out here....!! Thanks RecordProducer!! Link to post Share on other sites
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