Is it wrong to feel hurt?

[yolo87]

Ok. Stupid question - and I brought it on myself, only myself to blame. But I still feel totally hurt and just need to vent.

 

Earlier this year I decided to have a 3some with a married couple. We chatted leading up to it and the husband and me hit it off. Not to go into the details but it didn't really work the 3 of us but I left with keep in touch etc. I sort of felt a connection with the husband but thought nothing of it.

 

The next day to my surprise he text me. This started us texting constantly. By the end of the week we had been chatting on Skype and talking nearly every minute of the day. We ended up having to have a concessation about respecting boundaries and friendship. This only lasted a few days then we were back to flirty exchanges etc. It got a bit too much where I had to take a break for a few days to clear my head. One minute it was full on, next we were mates. Anyhow, this went on for about a month. He was nearly caught chatting to me on Skype and he freaked out. Said it felt like an affair. I was totally honest and suggested we left it there but he was adamant we could be mates. Suggested another break, and didn't speak for a few days. When we did it sort of fizzled out. Maybe talking one day a week to once every few weeks then we didn't speak for about 3 months. I thought he came to his senses and just left it how it was.

 

All of a sudden 3 months later I got a text out of the blue. I just felt like - great here we go again. Within talking a few days once again we had to have the chat again. He told me that if he was single it woUldale be different and he could never cheat on his wife. I agreed and everything was OK. Then he became a bit jealous when I would have said I was going out. Always asking who with. If I was chatting with other guys etc. We had been chatting a few weeks - same stuff Skype constant texting etc. One night he had a few drinks in him. We were talking about meeting up for a drink just as mates. Then he asked me outright was i happy with mates or did I want more. I was taken aback and said that it was unfair he said that to me. Anyway, it was just awkward after that. I tried talking but there was an elephant in the room. It got to the stage where I called him out on it. Apparently he was just interested in me as a friend and if I couldn't handle it I knew where to go. So I left. Blocked him.

 

After a few weeks or so I was wondering if we could just be mates. I enjoyed talking to him. We got on well. Had same sense of humour. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Decided to text and got back straight away. That very day he invited me to his house later on in the week. Every thing was how it was before. Then he ghosted me all week. Afer that it was just weird again. He was acting strange and didn't seem to care. Then it got a bit better. Anyway, over the weeks the talking intensified. We were on Skype or talking on the phone every day. But he kept inviting me up when the Mrs wasn't around. But he kept saying it then changing his mind. It got more frequent. He invited me up then changed his mind. I got pissed off. I ended up telling him not to mess me around. If we're mates we are mates etc.

 

We didn't speak for about a week after that. I messaged cause I missed chatting to him. Straight again it was inviting me up. I was like OK but this is it. Not messing around. I agreed to come up but I was half expecting it not to happen. So later that week we got talking and he said he wanted to be completely honest. He asked what i wanted and i said fun. He said he wanted more than thar. He told me he wanted me but wasn't prepared to leave his wife. He told me he had feelings for me. He said he didn't want me to go with anyone else. He wanted me to himself. I just said we will talk about it in person. I expected him to back out. The day before I went up I gave him a chance to change his mind. I said i understood and I'd have no hard feelings if he changed his mind. But he didn't.

 

I went up not knowing what to expect. I didn't know if we would do anything. If we would just talk or it would turn sexual. We met up and within 5 mins it did turn sexual. Not to go into too much details but it didn't feel awkward or anything. About 30 mins later the atmosphere changed. I sorta felt it straight away. I asked him was he ok and he said he felt awful. He said he can't do this he's not the type etc. I said I'd understand if he wanted us to stop talking but he said no he still wants me as a friend. I could see the guilt rise in him and in a way he hinted for me to go. Before I left he told me to delete all our messages and we would start fresh. I asked him about 5 times if he thought it was best we stopped talking and he always said no.

 

I came home feeling hurt. Obviously no reason to be given what I did. But I just couldn't understand how he was just so abrupt about it after. The next day I messaged and it was like he didn't want to know. I asked him how he was feeling etc. And as I said he just passed himself. I messaged a few days later and it was the same. Didnt even ask how I was and just stopped talking mid conversaction.

 

I just feel so used if that's the word. This situation has shattered my self esteem. What gets to me more is it was more of an emotional affair. How can you feel guilty about physical sex but not feel guilty about telling someone you want them? It's been a few days with no contact but it's been awful. I don't know how to feel. It just feels like he got what he wanted all along then when he realised it wasn't for him he has just tossed me to the side.

 

I would respect him more if he said he didn't want contact. I'm not proud of myself. I feel awful at what I did. But is there anyway you can be friends or on taking terms with someone after this? My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish. Sorry for going on but I needed a vent. I just don't know what to do? I don't even feel like I could tell him how I feel cause it's like he won't want to know.

I.

.

[somanymistakes]

But is there anyway you can be friends or on taking terms with someone after this? My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish.

 

I think your friend is right. The guy is clearly into you and is probably never going to be able to maintain boundaries for long.

 

When you're still attracted, trying to 'just be friends' with someone tends to, at best, lead to occasional outbreaks of resentment and frustration about all the things you want to say and do and can't. So either you have a friendship punctuated by occasionally blowing up at each other and refusing to speak to each other, or you have a friendship punctuated by occasionally falling into bed together and then feeling awful about it.

 

You keep trying to leave it up to him, but what HE wants is "everything". Leaving you, just to protect you, is not something he wants. If you want to protect yourself from this mess you will have to make that choice yourself.

[stillafool]

I think he just wanted more sex and to see if it was more exciting without his wife being there. He obviously felt guilty for cheating and thought he would take this opportunity to have OP delete all the texts between them so there would be no proof.

[yolo87]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I think what makes it more frustrating is the talk we had a few weeks ago. He made it more than just sex. He was the one that said he wanted more and now he feels guilty? As I said, sex is sex. You can literally have sex with anyone. But the emotional stuff - I just can't get my head around it. And the whole 'starting fresh' stuff. How can you possibly forget about what happened?

 

I keep trying to walk away. I'm not being dramatic when I say it's been an awful situation to be in. It has messed with me head. Controlled my emotions. It's been awful. But I just can't seem to let go. It's like I'm addicted to him. Every time I block or stop talking I start to think we're just being stupid and we can just be friends.

 

My mate also said to me that if he truly felt guilty he would just cut contact. She said that if he felt as bad as he was saying, nothing woUld jeopardise his marriage. She had a similar situation where she felt something for someone and she just had to cut it out.

[pheonixrisen]

I think you need to figure out what you want first

 

This mm most probably will be back when he have urges again .

 

But he has made it clear he wants you ..but will not leave his wife ...the question remains what do you want ?

 

Men do not invite other woman as friends to thier home on occasions where wife is away .his intentions were set and clear from beginning.

 

He even told you to delete all msgs between you guys ...he is covering his tracks so his wife does not find out...what do you feel about that ?

 

Where do you want to take this?

Are you okay to play the ow ?

 

From your post you are already way in deep .this what happened so far would be the content of your relationship with him it would just rinse and repeat. Months and years .

 

Yes you do have the right to feel hurt .

 

But

 

What do you want for yourself ?

[stillafool]

Look, as far as all the emotional conversation goes most men know they have to talk along those lines to get laid. They know that kind of talk is what lands women in between the sheets. So don't put too much thought in what he said but look at what he does.

[yolo87]

Look, as far as all the emotional conversation goes most men know they have to talk along those lines to get laid. They know that kind of talk is what lands women in between the sheets. So don't put too much thought in what he said but look at what he does.

 

I understand fully. But at the same time it was pointless cause whenever he always suggested meeting, I always agreed. It wasn't like he had to hook line and sinker me with the smooth talk. First time he said about meeting I was up for it. But I do agree with the whole actions speak louder than words.

[yolo87]

I think you need to figure out what you want first

 

This mm most probably will be back when he have urges again .

 

But he has made it clear he wants you ..but will not leave his wife ...the question remains what do you want ?

 

Men do not invite other woman as friends to thier home on occasions where wife is away .his intentions were set and clear from beginning.

 

He even told you to delete all msgs between you guys ...he is covering his tracks so his wife does not find out...what do you feel about that ?

 

Where do you want to take this?

Are you okay to play the ow ?

 

From your post you are already way in deep .this what happened so far would be the content of your relationship with him it would just rinse and repeat. Months and years .

 

Yes you do have the right to feel hurt .

 

But

 

What do you want for yourself ?

 

Honestly - I need to work that out. I always said I wanted fun. But the way it's been left - with the whole no more fun If that's all I wanted I would just walk away. So obv I must be wanting more.

 

Maybe it's the attention I crave? Maybe in a weird way I love the attention I've been given and that's what is hard to swallow at the minute.

[stillafool]

Honestly - I need to work that out. I always said I wanted fun. But the way it's been left - with the whole no more fun If that's all I wanted I would just walk away. So obv I must be wanting more.

 

Maybe it's the attention I crave? Maybe in a weird way I love the attention I've been given and that's what is hard to swallow at the minute.

 

Do you have any single men who are interested in you?

[Darren Steez]

It has literally been awful from start to finish.

.

 

Just a question? Are all your friends like this? I'm asking because you refer to this "relationship" as a "friendship" or you want to keep it "friendly", I'm putting words in parenthesis because you're calling this one thing when it's clearly another.

 

Again using your definition of friendship if all your friends are like this then you're a person constantly surrounded by drama, confusion, indecision and hurt. Those really don't sound like the ingredients of a "friendship". And there's not so much confusion in you are confused about what's going on, rather that you know what's going on and in seeking to justify it or reason with it you're going against your self esteem and moral boundaries.

 

Again this guy you want to be friends with but is cheating on his wife, dragging you through the mire and as you put it this whole situation has been awful from start to finish.

 

Friend.

[yolo87]

Just a question? Are all your friends like this? I'm asking because you refer to this "relationship" as a "friendship" or you want to keep it "friendly", I'm putting words in parenthesis because you're calling this one thing when it's clearly another.

 

Again using your definition of friendship if all your friends are like this then you're a person constantly surrounded by drama, confusion, indecision and hurt. Those really don't sound like the ingredients of a "friendship". And there's not so much confusion in you are confused about what's going on, rather that you know what's going on and in seeking to justify it or reason with it you're going against your self esteem and moral boundaries.

 

Again this guy you want to be friends with but is cheating on his wife, dragging you through the mire and as you put it this whole situation has been awful from start to finish.

 

Friend.

 

100% you're right.

 

I think at the start I was naive about it. I saw this person as someone I had a connection with, got on with and I was believing it was a friendship. But I think if you need to constantly talk boundaries with your friends there is something wrong.

 

I also think it's easy to downplay a situation by saying it's just a 'friendship'. Whenever you're in over your depth or whatever saying oh we're 'mates' in a way downplays it

 

I was always under the impression that cheating was kissing, fooling around or sex. I didn't realise that cheating can come in many forms. I was told that the wife knows we still talk. But it took me a while to realise that if she did, she obviously didn't know the extent of it.

 

But on the topic of friendship - I agree this isn't one. It's 2 people who are in the wrong who *think* they can be just friends. The fact is he said he felt guilty afterwards. That is 100% fine. That's why I suggested us stopping it there and then, to cut contact. But to still want to talk and to say once again we need to respect boundaries is a recipe for disaster.

[yolo87]

Do you ever sit and think what has my life become? I'm in my early 30's and essentially chasing a married man. Is that how pathetic I have become?

 

I messaged today and got the total brush off. Text back he wasn't well and would speak to me later. I know he won't. I don't even know why I even bothered to text. Maybe I somehow thought he had been thinking of me...but obviously he hasn't. It's obviously in my head. He hasn't even given me a second thought.

 

I feel so frustrated. I have invested so much of my time and feelings into this. He was the one that originally started this. He was the one that came back into my life. That filled my head up, that instigated a lot of this. Then now he doesn't want to even know? And I'm just meant to be ok with it?

 

I'm not innocent..I've never claimed to be. What I did was unfair and wrong I admit it. And I probably deserve to feel like this. But how can he not even feel something? How can he just go about his day like nothing happened?

 

It's easy to try and make yourself feel better. To say oh he will be back etc. But fact of the matter why would I even want that? I've had to delete his number cause I've just embarrassed myself too much now. But I know for a fact if in 2 weeks a months time he text I'll be straight back. It's like I can't break the circle. My self esteem has been rinsed.

[stillafool]

I don't see where you guys had that close of a relationship that you feel you totally can't resist him. This is just a guy who wanted more sex (specifically one on one sex) with you after he had the 3 some with his wife. It's not like he promised you a relationship, told you ILY, etc. I don't know why you find it hard to let him go. Again, are any single men pursuing you?

[somanymistakes]

 

I'm not innocent..I've never claimed to be. What I did was unfair and wrong I admit it. And I probably deserve to feel like this. But how can he not even feel something? How can he just go about his day like nothing happened?

 

Because he has a wife to focus his attention on.

 

It's much easier to shove you aside and not think about you at all when he's got other things going on. He doesn't feel lonely, or lost, or bereft. He's totally fine.

 

Oh, eventually he'll think about you again and feel a bit lonely, but not right now. He's got other things on his mind.

 

I don't think he 100% only cared about sex. Men do have feelings too, I think he does enjoy talking to you. But he enjoys his marriage more.

[elaine567]

I think the threesome gave him an opportunity to cheat and he couldn't quite get that out of his head so eventually took up the offer but either he was wracked with guilt or the reality did not live up to expectations maybe or perhaps once he called you up, he had sex and then he summarily dismissed you, that may have been the end of his fantasy, who knows?

 

Also some married couples will play sex games and if his wife was aware of the talking between you two then she may have been aware of more than you think and may have been turned on by it too or even watched..., it is a possibility, especially with the threesome history.

You are not talking about some normal guy at work who you got close to, this was an arrangement for "kinky" sex, so you do not really know what you are dealing with here...

 

Best forget and move on.

 

(btw I hope you did not have bareback sex with him but if you did, get yourself checked as soon as possible, as I guess he is a high risk contact).

[stillafool]

Also some married couples will play sex games and if his wife was aware of the talking between you two then she may have been aware of more than you think and may have been turned on by it too or even watched..., it is a possibility, especially with the threesome history.

You are not talking about some normal guy at work who you got close to, this was an arrangement for "kinky" sex, so you do not really know what you are dealing with here...

 

 

That's funny because I have a sneaking suspicion that his wife knows about this game as well. His wife is pretty open sexually if she allowed a 3 way with her husband so she obviously doesn't mind sharing him if it get's her off.

[somanymistakes]

Not necessarily if it was the first time and didn't work out that well. Many people have a curiosity about that sort of thing and consider trying it once, or get talked into it once because their partner was into it. There's all sorts.

[FoundMyStrength]

My friend thinks he only feels bad now cause of the guilt but in a few weeks or months it'll pass and he'll come back again. It has literally been awful from start to finish. Sorry for going on but I needed a vent. I just don't know what to do? I don't even feel like I could tell him how I feel cause it's like he won't want to know.

 

Yes. This. He's had a taste but feels guilty. That will pass, and he'll be back. First as friends, which will spin into more.

 

I was physical with my xMM just once. His overwhelming guilt, which he described as sobbing as he drove back to his friend's house, lasted all of 12 hours. At which point we began texting nonstop. Within 2 weeks, he was suggesting I fly up to where he was staying for work, and have a 3 day reunion/sex romp. I squashed the idea out of my own guilt.

 

These men may feel guilty. But they're out to have an affair, and will shove the guilt and regret down to do it. Something is driving it. And until your MM figures out why he's doing this, he's unlikely to stop.

 

That means YOU have to stop. And don't delude yourself. You CANNOT be friends. It just doesn't work. Your posts suggests you've already proven this over and over (friends, flirting, serious talk, less contact -- and repeat).

[elaine567]

You are getting all lovesick over a guy who when it came down to it, treated you more or less like a booty call, and he couldn't wait to get rid of you after having sex.

Get real.

 

MM are often good at this, and any women who will put up with it is a fool to herself.

 

He will blow hot and cold, keep her waiting on a string and at his beck and call, give her enough emotional connection to make her think there is something there, get sex, then blow so cold until she is distraught, then turn up again once he is horny blowing kisses...

It is addictive the highs are so high, the lows so low.

Do not believe me, just spend some time on the OW forum and listen to the stories...

 

Run away as fast as your little legs will take you or you will still be here in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years time, moaning about how he never keeps his promises, how happy he, his wife and kids look on FB, how he is never going to leave his wife or how on Dday he threw you under a bus...

[jah526]

You are getting all lovesick over a guy who when it came down to it, treated you more or less like a booty call, and he couldn't wait to get rid of you after having sex.

Get real.

 

Yeah, I read something recently along these lines that's helping me look at actions instead of words. It was that a guy doesn't really know how he feels about a woman until 30 seconds after he comes. At that point he'll either make a beeline for the door or he'll be thinking about how much he loves this woman.

 

It's confusing for us women because we listen to what he's saying BEFORE sex. You have to watch what he does immediately after if you want the truth.

[elaine567]

Yeah, I read something recently along these lines that's helping me look at actions instead of words. It was that a guy doesn't really know how he feels about a woman until 30 seconds after he comes. At that point he'll either make a beeline for the door or he'll be thinking about how much he loves this woman.

 

It's confusing for us women because we listen to what he's saying BEFORE sex. You have to watch what he does immediately after if you want the truth.

 

Yes, much better he says little but after sex, hugs you all night doesn't want to let you go and is happy sitting down for breakfast and planning your next trip away...

[yolo87]

Thanks for all the messages. I'm feeling a good bit better. I deleted the number. Unfortunately I didn't think to block first but I deleted it cause I was embarrassing myself.

 

It's funny reading the replies here cause they're so true. The whole guilty thing is just nonsense. It was after about half hour he felt guilty. Tried to say he did it cause things haven't been the greatest in the house the past few weeks. Funny, this has went on longer than a few weeks. Then it changed to - I think the problem is I can't relax here incase she comes home. I laughed with my mate saying how when she came home from work he probably told her how much he loved her and has worshipped her since.

 

On the topic of after sex. We sat in bed for about 2 - 3 mins kissing after it, then went down for a cigarette. After that it was kissing and cuddling until he felt guilty. Even when he said he felt guilty we were still kissing. Then he changed.

 

Tbh i think the main problem with me is it has tattered my self esteem. I have became a joke. It was always him, he controlled everything. He decided one minute it was friends, he decided when we spoke, he invited me up. One minute he was hot next cold. He decided everything and me being a mug went along with it. I tried too hard to please him. Yes I agree with what was wrote - one minute you feel on top of the world the next you feel like dirt.

 

But I know he will be back. I made it too easy for him. I threw myself at him. I'm not saying it will be this week, month whatever. But he will be back. Curiosity will get the better of him. He loved the attention I give to him and he'll miss it. He'll al so wonder what I'm doing and if I've met someone or anything. Yes now he doesn't want to know. Ignores me now and acts like I don't matter. But he'll sit one day after the 'guilt' passes and contact. If he was serious about it and that guilty he would of cut contact then. But I just need to get my head together and just tell him where to go. I'm worth more than a bit on the side fighting for scraps of attention. You'd rather be alone that being disrespected. Work on yourself.

[stillafool]

Why don't you just block him so he can't reach you if you really feel guilty? There's nothing for you to gain by not blocking him from contacting you.

[Trip2TheSky]

I agree with everyone on here, but waiting for him to contact you first by just removing instead of blocking his number is only going to wind up being detrimental to your health.

 

Save your ego and self esteem by getting off on the fact that when he does, he will be the one shot down.

 

You are eliminating chances of recovering with pride and dignity still intact and you can do so much better.

 

Let us know what you decide to do. I'm rooting for you to make the best decision by you.

[Veronica73]

I agree with everyone on here, but waiting for him to contact you first by just removing instead of blocking his number is only going to wind up being detrimental to your health.

 

Save your ego and self esteem by getting off on the fact that when he does, he will be the one shot down.

 

You are eliminating chances of recovering with pride and dignity still intact and you can do so much better.

 

Let us know what you decide to do. I'm rooting for you to make the best decision by you.

 

This may not apply here (or maybe I’m being dumb), but for me it depends on just how resolved I am. I recently deleted a man’s number instead of blocking, because I was concerned that in a moment of weakness, I might gloss over what a dick he is, and only remember the good times (which were really good), and I might find some excuse to contact him again and then end up in the same crappy cycle I’ve already been in. (I do find it is easier to forget the bad times as compared to the good times). Since I deleted him without blocking him, I have no way of contacting him since I don’t know his number and it is unlisted. So, IF and when he contacts me again, I’m hoping I’ll be over him and be able to do the smart thing and ignore it. Whereas if I was completely repulsed by the guy and was 100% done with him no matter what, I’d just block it.

 

(edit) And I’m just talking generally here. The man I am talking about in this post is single and unattached.

Edited September 27, 2017 by Veronica73
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